One of the hard things about doing this real time (vs. just publishing my autobiography as a complete work all at once) is that life interrupts the process of writing. After writing that last piece, especially the end part, I began to think that I might as well address it now because one major piece of evidence occurs during my Bible school days, which we just finished prior to starting on this spy file.
But before I go into that, I'd just like to say that I'm frustrated because I got all the way to my doctor's appointment and they are adamant the my secondary doesn't cover the co-pay left over from my primary insurance (all my other doctors and physical therapy accept it that way - that it covers the co-pay) and I couldn't get through to the secondary insurance, and don't have the money to pay my $30 co-pay, so I had to turn around and come home having not seen the doctor. We re-scheduled for next Mon., and I hope I have money by them (one of my sources of income isn't completely predictable as to when I get it). I hate living like this, but my $550 semi-annual car insurance bill is due next month too, so this living paycheck to paycheck isn't going to end soon.
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The issue I want to deal with is my political alliances (or lack thereof). Now that it's come up that ideology (the "i" in SMICE) is one hook that's used to recruit spies, and then I got into the ideology more in my discussion of Jerry Falwell in my last post. So I think I should deal with it more before moving on in this book I'm currently discussion.
Upon my return to the States in 1997 after living in Russia it gradually became evident to various people who had known me for a long time that I had developed rather liberal political views. There may have been some who thought that that was from an influence by Communists. That is most adamantly not the case.
I went to Vienna with strong anti-Communist views (anti the theory and system) not only because I didn't like how it was embodied in Communist countries, the various abuses and the like, but also because I thought the very theory of Communism itself was wrong, and I still think that to this day.
However, at the same time I have become more and more critical of the West and America in particular. This is not from influence by Communists on me, though. This is largely a by-product of the research I did when I returned to the States on a visit while still living in Russia. The files I am discussing with you are the very research that ultimately changed my views - it wasn't by any coercion (which is the absolute least effective way to try to win me over) but through careful study and deliberation that I did on my own with no one else even really knowing I was doing besides the friend I was staying with during that visit and maybe one or two other people I may have mentioned it to. So let's put that dog to rest once and for all. And besides, I really like the Russian Yabloko Party, not the Communists. And Yabloko adherents would abhor any insinuation that they are akin to Communists.
But before I move on from here, here's a piece from my Human Rights report that I initially put in the report for this very reason, but I skipped over it here on the blog because I wasn't sure how relevant it was at that point. This happens in the winter of 1982-1983 several months before my second trip to Europe. Here it is:
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"Also at this time I had an extended conversation (2 weeks) with a dishwasher at Pizza Hut, which bears on the topic of this report, and which others there might remember, especially the Lebanese Muslim manager, Mr. Monsour. This cook one day, out of the blue, said to me, "So you don't believe in evolution, then, do you?" Presumably he asked me this with reference to my being a student at [Bible school]. I agreed with him that, no, I didn't believe in evolution, and then proceeded to follow a track of logic learned in an apologetics course at [Bible school], wherein you take a person to the logical end of their belief, lifestyle, etc. I believe that the logical end of evolution is Marxism/Communism - so I led him down this trail. After a week or so I told him, quite bluntly, that if he believed this and so (which he had already agreed to) than he must be a Communist because Communism explains the social, political & economic evolution of man. He immediately agreed that he was a Marxist, which actually surprised me. He later told me that the perfect Communist state is Cuba, so I shouldn't look to Eastern Europe & the Soviet Union to give examples of how this philosophy doesn't work. Those countries are corrupt forms of Marxism. I, of course, pointed out that thousands of boat people from Cuba disagreed with him. Throughout this time my Lebanese Muslim co-workers backed me in support of creation. That's an unusual combination, Christians and Muslims siding like that, but that's how it happened. The point is, that this conversation is evidence of my firm disagreement both on logical and practical grounds with Communism as a theory and as experienced in modern-day countries."
The reason that conversation took so long (2 weeks) is because we were also working while having it, so it was a little bit here and there.
My opinions on this front never changed. What DID change was my opinion about America. Since I wasn't very political before trying to figure out my life, I wasn't particularly patriotic, but now I've become a lot more critical of my own country, in particular. Also, I eventually began to see America as a roadblock to my reaching my goals of ministry in the Soviet Union, and I really resented that - this is a free country isn't it? And it's not like I wanted to do something bad or immoral or unethical (well, some think mission work is unethical, but I won't go there right now). I felt like a nonentity. My best friend in Russia at one point said I was just a pawn and "they" didn't really care what happened to me. She was referring to the Russian authorities, as I remember it, but I think there is some evidence that this could be said for the USA too. But I haven't gotten that far yet in my story. The point here is that if anyone thought that the "ideology" in SMICE might have been a hook for me, they didn't do their homework very well because they were dead wrong and this was never a possibility.
~ Meg
