457. Discipline & Justice, Pt. 7 (O'Driscoll & Beehr, pt. 1)

This next article is a quantitative research study carried out in the U.S. and New Zealand.

O'Driscoll, Michael P. and Beehr, Terry A. (1994). Supervisor behaviors, role stressors and uncertainty as predictors of personal outcomes for subordinates. Journal of Organizational Behavior, 15, 141-155.

***

Two assumptions underlying the present study are (a) that one important realm of influence which control is the degree of uncertainty personnel have to contend with in their work environment, and (b) that uncertainty is a predictor of work-related effect, strain and behavior intentions.  We argue that, through their interactions with subordinates, supervisors may reduce or, alternatively, exacerbate the amount of uncertainty confronted by employees within an organization.  Supervisors' behavior may be quite critical for alleviating or increasing the ambiguity and unpredictability which subordinates feel about their job tasks, about managemenet, and about the social and political dynamics of the organization. (p. 141-142)

Bingo!  And if you just happen to be working for the Vienna mission, where ambiguity in the work place is a standard operating procedure - particularly during the socialization process, but not even completely isolated to that initial period of the worker's time with the mission.  It's just that at the beginning it's heaped on him/her and s/he is taken by surprise and doesn't have the coping skills yet to deal with it and hasn't come to grips with it yet.  Because half the battle is coming to grips with it; that is, you have to sort of decide agree to live in/with this ambiguity, which means that you aren't the one pulling the shots and you don't really know what's going on.  So you're taking a huge Kierkegaardean leap of faith and you have to really believe that the mission is on the straight, has your best interest in mind, is doing what it says it is doing, etc., because you're laying your life on the line that it is doing these things.  Literally, because you're going behind the lines into Communist countries doing church work and they might even think you're spies if they find out you're doing church work.  So that's pretty serious. 

But when I arrived in Vienna and the ambiguity I first face wasn't just from my "Supervisors' behavior." At least not directly and openly from his behavior.  But management can give other orders that don't come directly from them that cause ambiguity also, and I'm pretty certain that the computer problems and some of the other problems at work may have been of that nature.  But then I'm not sure how they decided how to "socialize" me, it may have been by committee, but that's still management and my supervisor, who was the assistant director of the mission, most certainly would have been involved in the process, no matter how unassuming he could come off.

Even things like at the end when I was working at the reception desk and I was supposed to keep track of who was in the building so I knew how to route calls or take messages, etc.  And people would NOT tell me when they left no matter how many times I asked them to do so.  This was deliberate and created a sense of ambiguity for me because it made me feel uncertain about my status in the organization and unrespected.  This wasn't done by the supervisor, but the organization was such an in sync organism that things didn't always need to come from the supervisor or management, and then this could free up the management and leadership from having to take any responsibility for doing the dirty work, which, of course, was a very convenient thing. 

All I can say is that I have never ever worked anywhere where there has been so much ambiguity, including in Siberia or Seoul, S. Korea.  That's part of why I had to do these studies with these articles because my mind was such a muddle about what happened but my life was so destroyed by those two years with the mission, and it was incredibly worse than anything Russia did to me.  It's like the saying that the American Jews graffitied on our mission working with Soviet Jews in the '80s in the U.S.: "The Nazis killed Jews bodies, but you are killing Jews souls."  Of course, we didn't see it as killing Jews souls, but the comparison was graffic, and you could see how from their standpoint they could feel that way.  So for me, the Vienna mission tried to kill my soul, but Russia tried to kill me.  I'm not exactly sure Russia tried to kill me, but I think it came pretty close because I was in pretty bad shape in their hospital there were some pretty shady things there that went on and no one knew I was there except my then husband. (Later believers from the house church I was going to ran me down, but it was after the worst was over.)  

The ambiguity in the Vienna mission was a given and everybody had a certain amount of it and it was just something you just had to get used to, but not like what I went through.  What I went through was over the top and to say it was intended as training for me to be able to contend with horses (Jer. 12:5) was beyond believability.  There is no way that what they put me through could train me for anything other than trying to get me out of there or having a breakdown (if I won't get out of there on my own free will).  And, of course, the other thing, is that they would have been interested in protecting my father, so they would have had that extra directive (the word is used intentionally - remember the H.R. staff are U.S. reserve chaplains, and one of the lead missions takes money from the C.I.A. and my father had an intelligence aspect of his job as SDI program manager at Boeing) to make sure I'm in a position that keeps dad safe.  My personality and background, values included, would not have made this very easy. 

So here we are back at my dad again.  It's hard to deny that my treatment by the mission was extraordinary and everyone knew it.   And when I started to get rumors, people telling me about different positions, possibilities of this or that thing going to happen that I might be a part of, I didn't know whether to believe it.  That's because the ambiguity was too much and I was too much on the outs so I did hope some, but I mostly chose not to act on these things.  This was ambiguity.  A very clear example of what I mean, but it was all the time and this is just one thing. 

***

Similarly, role conflict has been shown to be related to unfavorable personal outcomes, although typically the association is not as strong as for ambiguity. (p. 143)

There was some role conflict, if you will recall (if you have been reading along, that is), but even that involved some ambiguity because it wasn't out and out role conflict.  That is, my boss didn't outright say that I had to stop attending the Austrian church, for example or being told by H.R. that galavanting about on my own (such as taking the Spanish cooking class) was prohibited for staff to do.  Nothing was that straightforward or cleancut.  That would be too easy.  Rather, it was left to the world of ambiguity and social pressures and tips from the inner sanctum if one appeared ready and in the right spirit to learn more about the desires of the leadership.  Otherwise, the ambiguity remained.

There were, of course, roles that missionaries at the mission had to balance, such as family roles and responsibilities in the mission.  Those would be the main roles of this type, I think.  This includes issues around children and their schooling.  But the mission had taken this into account and this wasn't so much the issue that I'm talking about.  (Part of how this was dealt with, incidently, was that secretaries worked with their boss's kids and befriended their lonely homebound wives that might be jealous of them (the secretaries) spending all the time with their husband all day at work.  At least this is how it was explained to me.)

So then what it comes down to is other types of roles.  In fact, it might just only be my external roles to the mission because I dared to have roles outside the mission.  It is possible that I wasn't the only person that had ever had the problem of external role conflict that became a problem and led to some ambiguity, but I'm pretty certain that I'm the only one that stuck with it so long.

These were the preconditions that led to me having the role conflicts:

1) being assigned a position (secretary) that I was not satisfied with and felt overqualified for,
2) knowing the local language, at least somewhat
3) having Bible school training and some missions background
4) having previously spent 2 months (with a mission and also a few days with a university) in the city)

There was at least one other female staff that I think could have been a candidate for role conflict, but I'm not sure if she had or not experienced it because she had already been there so much longer than I and I didn't have any chance to really discuss this with her.

The thing, then, is that all these things had to converge together.  Then I felt this sort of ambiguous sense that there was a disapproval, but there was a disapproval for everything about me it seemed.

And then, of course, I'm told I have culture shock.  Is that their ultimate disapproval?  How ambiguous is that?  And all the time I'd been doing just great at the Austrian church and I much preferred being with the Austians over the Americans.  At least the Austrians made sense.  Let's just say I much prefer the Austrian and Russian horses to the American footmen (Jer. 12:5 - the verse the H.R. director/U.S. reserve military chaplain used in his send off back to America for counseling for "culture shock").

***

[O]ne proposition examined in the present research was that role ambiguity and conflict are perceived environmental stressors which induce uncertainty in a person about the performance of tasks of about the outcomes that are dependent upon successful task performance. (p. 143)

This is not as clearcut as it might seem.  For me in the Vienna mission, a good part of the problem was that I was constantly being moved about, so it was difficult to think that I was really leaving a mark on the mission.  And from the very beginning I was doing trivial things that were way beneath what I could have been doing.  Even just volunteering at a research center I was making more of a mark than what I was doing there in a two year mission supported term.  It was degrading.  And I felt absolutely demeaned.  That's on the macro level.

On the micro level I knew I was doing what I was supposed to do to the best of my ability and that they were pleased with it.  But at the same time, I also knew that the micro level was often - but not always grunt work.  At the very beginning what I was doing was absolutely nonessential and I might as well have not been there.  There was no good purpose in my being there unless they were seeing it as being for my socialization.

But a lot of the time I felt like it was just a test to see how I would do and they might not even care that much.  For example, when I was sent to the receptionist desk.  I had so much time on my hands it was ridiculous so I decided to re-organize the supply and ordering system, which I didn't have to do.  I guess they appreciated it, but it was sort of a joke too, because they just had me their as a retainer biding time until I left and that was all. 

There never was a benchmark or anything by which to determine if you had successfully completed a task; it wasn't that kind of place anyway and I don't know if anyone had that luxury.  But in my case I never even knew if successful task completion was what they were really after, or if it was something else and the task was just a ploy to get to something else that they were really after.  That's how it felt, but it was a moving target, so that I can't say that it was always the same.  And there you get more ambiguity. 

Can you begin to imagine how it could have been hell on earth and how hard it would have been to maintain one's sanity in this kind of context?  It was wild.  And to explain it is just... it's almost beyond words.  You had to be me living it, really.  I don't know how else to say it.

***

So now we get to the results of this study and here is one finding.

In particular, there were strong indications that role ambiguity was closely related to job dissatisfation and to psychological strain, while role conflict was associated with strain and with turnover intentions.  Uncertainty appeared to be directly connected with lack of job satisfaction, rather than with the two other outcomes variables. (p. 151)

So there you have it in black and white.  As some might say, it's not rocket science, no?  I mean it's not like you should be shocked out of your pants to learn this truth.  It's not like learning for the first time that the earth revolves around the sun or something, right?  Well, I mean, it might just solidify something you had a hunch about but now it's more certain, like a truth.  Of course, the way with research studies is that they have to study it in other settings, with other populations and other researchers have to confirm it, etc., etc. but you know what I mean. 

Was I happy in Vienna?  Well, I put on a good show, for sure, but I've been a wreck ever since I left there because they ruined me and inside I was anything but happy.  I was scared spitless.  More than anything else I was afraid of them.  But there was also a good dose of anger in there, and hurt, grieving because this was my career that I just buried somewhere and didn't deal with for 2 years till I came home to the States for good.

So it's clear I had job dissatisfaction, and for good reason, for all the times they moved me around - and they didn't treat anyone else that way, and I'm not stupid, so anyone in their right mind would have job dissatisfaction.  I had so much psychological strain it was a miracle I didn't come home in a straight jacket and that just testifies to my fortitude and scrappiness for finding a way to survive in that social climate.  So you just know that I am a turnover intention just waiting to happen because I meet all the criteria left and right and it's a wonder it didn't happen sooner except I was afraid to leave my term early.  So when my two year term was up you bet your booties my turnover intention was not just an intention it was a fact and it happened right on schedule at the end of my two years.

It turns out I fit the description perfectly.

I would also like to say that the mission leadership was pretty stupid for thinking that I might be happy working with them after how they treated me.  They didn't know who they were dealing with it seems.

***

That's the end of this article.  It's another pretty emotional one.  It looks like this file seems to be full of these kinds of articles.  They touch on subjects that really hit home and help me describe what happened when I was in Vienna.  It's these aspects that won't be picked up in a lot of other places because I was so scared to even write about my feelings realy.  The mission had me that terrified. 

No one should have to go through that.  And the worst thing is that these were Christians, Christian leaders.  So it has undermined my faith in the Christian church.  It hasn't undermined my faith in God though, just the Church.

You know this isn't the kind of thing I'd just make up or something.  I hope you understand that.   It's my real life.  It's hard on the Internet, and with me using a pseudonym it doesn't help.  I'm not ready to use my real name yet.  I'm afraid I'm going to have a lot of enemies bombarding me and eventually I guess I might have to get ready for that, but I'm not ready yet.

406. Military Chaplaincy, Pt. 24 (Trower, pt. 2)

Last time was pretty bad as far as how much of the text I covered; it was just too emotionally intense for me.  I'll cover more ground today though.

We're picking up where we left off last time in the same text.

***

 "...Even today, then, counseling, perhaps more provessionally structured and theologically oriented, is still the chaplain's stock-in-trade with all of his people.

All this is not to say that the military chaplain abandons the teaching of scripture, preaching the word of the Lord, administering the sacraments of his church, or visiting the sick and imprisoned.  Rather, counseling is what he does along with these functions.  It becomes his more rabbinic style.  It may be his more "securlar" work - even when he does it from his religious posture." (p. 441)

Have you ever known a person who has made a career of the military and maybe you know him or her in outside life?  Or maybe you've seen a person or people change from pre-military to post -military days?  Can you tell that certain military presence about a person that goes with him or her even when s/he is not in the military? 

Well, do you think it would be too unusual to suggest that if military chaplains do this kind of thing as incorporated into all their ministry that it might also have gotten incorporated into ministry post military service (or, as in the case with the Vienna H.R. staff, concurrent with military service)?  Because that is exactly what I would like to suggest here, that this kind of thing was brought into the Vienna mission service by the H.R. staff, at least by the director, as I didn't have interaction so much with the other staff to be able to tell so much about him.  But for the director I think his dimeanor was like this a lot of the time, and not just with me either, I don't think.  When I saw him in social situations even with others sometimes I thought he came across to me this way.  It felt like it to me anyway.

***

"Althought chaplains are able to refer individuals to such specialists where they are available, greater numbers of people are likely to see their chaplains first." (p. 441)

What a hypocrite!  I think we'll see more about this kind of thing, if I remember right.  I never had any kind of counseling by him and it never even occurred to go to him for anything like that or to anyone else for that matter.  What would have helped?  Them cutting back on the stressors that they were putting out on purpose for some reason intentionally.  Since I didn't know what the reason was, but I didn't like the possibilities I could think of, I wasn't about to fall square into their trap and come running to them about the difficulties. 

So the thing is that the H.R. director somehow based on some kind of bogus reasoning decided I had culture shock.  But I had never ever met with him before.  I've discussed this in great detail already, but the thing is that I never complained ever about the Austrian culture.  I never had any complaints about that at all; none.  That was NOT the issue.   

In considering my much-beloved logical fallacies, which I learned about in apologetics class and have since put to other use (as well as apologetics), as needed.

It could be said that chaplain used appeal to authority because he used the research article at that point in my life, although I felt pretty confident in a few areas, it was based on a combination of personal experience, knowledge gained from individuals on the front lines, and some research which would be more like research assistant work, work in a specialized library, etc.  But I didn't have the advanced research skills to feel comfortable discussion of research articles and the like.  By the time I was collecting these articles I'd almost completed my first Master's degree and had received good training in that regard so was a lot more comfortable in that sphere.

So basically, I think what he knew of me, and that would have been second hand, was that I was feeling a lot of stress.  But he had not himself, as in this text, attempted to meet with me to discuss what I might be feeling.  The possible reason for this was that the norm in the mission was, it seemed to me (at least for the secretaries) to have a sort of counseling-patient relationship between the secretary and her boss, especially during the socialization phase.  At least that would be part of the complex relationship.  So in that context, it would be improper for the H.R. director to step in and play that role.  The thing was, though, that I don't remember ever really confiding to my boss anything.  I never really felt comfortable enough with him in that way to do that.  He was nice enough, but I never really wanted to develop a closer relationship with him, so I never wanted to confide anything to him.  I've discussed that elsewhere too.  So the stress issue would have come from the other secretaries because there were I think two other secretaries that I shared this with and they would have reported this back to their bosses as part of the process of socializing me, although one was still in the process of being socialized herself, but she was farther along than I was, having arrived earlier than I.

So the military chaplain/H.R. Director, on the basis of rumors that I was under stress (for some reason or the other) and on the say so of the research article that he brought to the meeting with me decided I had culture shock.  With nothing else to go on, would you say that that is enough to want to send someone home for culture shock counseling? 

Since all the stressors were coming from the mission (and not the culture as they would have everyone believe), and I was going along with everything, and this was totally unexpected (there was absolutely no indication prior to this that this was coming, honestly; I had no idea they were going to do this at all and there was no reason to think this was warranted and there was no indication from anyone else at any point ever at the mission confirming that they thought I might have had culture shock, and that includes the people who knew me but didn't work close to me).

***

"He is never asked to abandon his religious convictions, those matters that are the focus of his specialty.  He may only need to ask himself whether a religious intervention is appropriate and whether his religious view takes into account respect for his 'client's' convictions." (p. 442)

This actually, when you think of it, isn't all that much different from a secular counsellors's perspective, because they also "take into account respect for his client's convictions." Many counsellors will encourage faith practices even if they themselves aren't religious or are of another religion.  So it's not that much different.  Is the chaplain counseling as a clear aspect of his religious duties - maybe on site of the chapel - or is it maybe in a more secular setting?  In the Vienna mission it felt more secular, except that a scripture verse was used and they sent me to a Christian counseling center.  How ironic that such a cloak of humanity should enshroud their treatment of me leading up to that time.  Incidentally, the stressors from the mission prior to going to the USA eased up, for the most part at least.  I'll get into that later though.

***

"Every military person experiences an orientation phase, called 'boot camp,' 'recruitment trainig,' 'basic training,' indoctrination.  For most men and women it is a limited time (four to eight weeks) of considerable stress and sudden changes in their sense of identity.  It is a period in which physical and psychological limits are pushed out to their maximal borders of containment.  Individuals are expected to adapt to highly structured routines.  Group performances are rewarded; personal efforts are approved only insofar as they contribute to the success of the team." (p. 446)

That sounds worse than "socialization," but that's the military's equivalent to socialization.  My socialization didn't go well and it could be considered that because my socialization/bootcamp didn't go well I was sent to the brigs (counseling in the USA).  Of course, that's a very unethical - if not illegal - use of counseling, but I wasn't the first person sent home to the U.S. for counseling so presumably however I was sent home at least 2 others were sent home for similar reasons, only they responded better than I did, evidently because they were in the USA for a much shorter time as I heard it told.  The thing is, though, that the Vienna mission didn't have that many options available to them as to what to do if a person wasn't doing well in "boot camp".  Having the person stick around with the possibility of him/her affecting other members would be totally out of the question, of course.  And if they sent him/her home they had to have a guise/front or reason or reason for doing so, no?  So counseling could provide a reason and also possibly help in the socialization process itself.  And insurance would cover it, to boot!  Such a deal!  It was too good to be true!

The thing was that when people go into the military they pretty much know what to expect and they have every opportunity to find out, especially these days with the Internet.  Even so, it can still be difficult to wrap your mind around the reality of what it's going to be like and you think that for sure you can do it and then when it comes down to it it's a lot harder than you think.  But in the case of the Vienna mission you really had no way of knowing because they didn't want anyone to know what goes on inside other than the public P.R. image.  Beyond that you had to just sort of piece things together from stories from different places and even missions and make an educated guess.  Even I who should have, I think, had a little better idea, didn't (have a better idea) of what it was like. 

Of course, in my case, it was a bad fit in the first place because if they were going to be testing me on being a team player which meant me being an all sold out secretary I should never ever have taken the position in the first place.  But my mission gave me other information leading me to believe that it would be okay to work with Austrians, and I thought I was a team player.  But they didn't like that I withheld my thoughts from them.  Because I did that that made me less than a full team player, I think.  But they're not God and I wasn't going to give them the place of God in my life.  Once you opened up everything then they could play God in your life.  It wasn't going to happen and it didn't.  Sorry, Charlie.  I'm a team player, but you're something short of God.

***

That's it for this text.  Have a nice day.

247. Vienna Mission Years, Pt. 7

"The Mennonites are Anabaptists of Dutch and German origin who found sanctuary in Russia from the eighteenth century, and were by and large well treated under the Tsars. The Soviets found about 100,000 in their territory after the Revolution - and within a decade had set about rooting them out completely, a process accelerated during the purges. They were suspect partly because of their Western origins, but even more because of their traditional pacifism - a key feature in their religious outlook. It should be emphasized, however, that there is not hint of extremism in their religious make-up. A recent Soviet writer on the subject F. Fedorenko (Sects, their Faith and Practice, p. 153), admits that a new wave of activity began in the sect in 1956-7, when active preachers began to return from prison - in other words, the effort at total suppression by Stalin had signally failed. The Soviet Union Remains the only country of the world where there is a major Mennonite colony which has no right to set up an administrative body. Since 1963 they have been encouraged to throw in their lot with the Baptists which means being forced to give up their pacifism and other special characteristics. In 1967 came the first news of registration of a Mennonite congregation in its own right (Bratsky Vestnik - 'Fraternal Herald' - the official organ of the Russian Baptists, No. r, 1967, p. 42), and others have followed."

Religious Minorities in the Soviet Union: A Report, rev. 4th ed. (1984). Minority Rights Group, report no. 1. London: Minority Rights Group, p. 12-13.

***

I think the month of August, my second full month in Vienna, the great welcoming fanfare subsided... the honeymoon period of my relationship with the mission ended. I guess all the people that felt like they had to make initial acquaintance with me had done so, although I wouldn't have thought of it in these terms at the time. I do know, however, that it didn't bother me so much that the fanfare ended (since the welcome seemed overblown to me anyway), as it did that the stressors increased. That is, I hadn't expected so much apparently positive feedback right away nor so much negative feedback that followed.

Actually, I had been getting negative feedback in the form of non-work (reading software manuals) and the mission's continued effort to set me up with a roommate from the very beginning. But the negative feedback at work kept building up even after the positive welcome dwindled. As my mission-centric social engagements tapered off, however, my Austrian activities increased, so that it began to look more and more like my relationship with the mission being a 9 to 5 affair with somewhat more social interaction than one might have at a regular office job back home. So in this way, I was treating the mission as an office job with no real intentions, on my part, of pushing for more than that. Neither did I particularly feel an obligation to anyone to tell the mission what I was thinking nor what I was intending to do in my off hours. So the vacuum left by the mission by way of dwindling off-hour social activities I gradually filled with Austrian activities.

Besides my feeling comfortable in the Austrian context in general, my personality also made the withdrawal of excess attention rather insignificant to me because 1) I hadn't expected such an overblown welcome in the first place, but also 2) my personality is such that I don't mind alone time. That is, the drop off in mission-centric social activities and the resulting alone time didn't particularly phase me, where it might have been meant as a stressor and it wasn't.

That being said, however, I think it was in August that I began having more and more troubles at work. These are hard to explain and I would have had to document them step by step to be able to get them across to you very well now. But what happened for the next two or three months was that I began having more and more problems getting things done at work. That is, when I was given anything to do that involved any interactions outside of my office, such as phone calls or even needing to get supplies, I started having problems in carrying out these responsibilities. But everyone else seemed to have a "logical" explanation for any particular problem I was having. In this way, it made it look like everyone just thought that these problems were normal and to be expected but they seemed too contrived and limited to the work setting for me to believe that. Nevertheless, I felt like I shouldn't open up too much about my frustrations.

A lot of times it felt like I had to do things over and over again to get them right or problems with the phone system, for example, were unpredictable. In this way, my attempts to figure things out was always thwarted because nothing ever worked the way I thought they should or the way I'd been explained. I did express my frustration too, although I wouldn't say I got angry exactly and nor did I let on that I thought these things were intentional tests, but I did think that. The thing was, a lot of times I couldn't explain what the possible mechanisms for these things were, and if I thought I could explain them that would attribute actions and, therefore, qualities, to my fellow workers that I knew wouldn't be believed.

I should also say that these problems at work were particularly a part of my experiences until I was sent back to the States and after that they subsided. Also, this is the only time in my life where I've experienced this kind of thing and it was specific only to my experiences at the office. That is, my experiences in my outside relations and activities did not include these kinds of stressors. This meant that my Austrian activities allowed me to maintain a sense of grounding in the face of my mission-centric problems and shifting sand foundation. My mental map of how to function in Austria grew stronger and continually more accurate, whereas my understanding of the mission grew weaker, if anything.

Now this is a strange thing, when you think of it, because I was working mostly with Americans with a very similar background to mine in many ways, which I've discussed at some length elsewhere in this blog. But then, the problems at work seemed to be more things that just "didn't work" rather than strictly with people. So the main way the people would have been involved would have been if I attributed to how things didn't work to them, and I didn't have concrete enough proof to do that, although I was sure it was true. So I never told anyone I thought these things I was experiencing were contrived.

So through all this what were my complaints that I expressed to others? My complaints were just the problems I was having at work getting things done. So that was the one hook they had to catch me with, the work-related stress.

***

The month of August is rather sparsely populated in my calendar. On Saturday, August 1 I invited the director of human resources and his wife over for dinner. I don't really remember that evening, but in hindsight, considering what eventually transpired - several months later - it's rather ironic that they seem to have been my first dinner guests. They might have been being friendly to me in an effort to try to get to know me, because they would be key people in deciding on the mission's path to take with me. In any event, by that time I was set up enough to feel comfortable entertaining already.

***

As I continued at the Austrian church, there was a wedding Saturday, August 15 and I brought a green salad for 10 people to it. So I was beginning to get settled in there a bit too. This might be a good time to discuss the church.

The church, Evangelikale Gemeinde Döbling, at that time was a church-planting effort led by an American couple. The attendance was about what my current church is, that is around 30 people or so on any give typical Sunday. The people there were very friendly and received me well. Since the pastor and his wife, my colleague from the mission and I were all Americans and the idea was for it to be an Austrian church, I was mindful of wanting to work under their leadership. That is, despite the fact that the American presence included more Bible and theological training than would have been so for the Austrians, many of whom were young Christians, the point was to let them have the leadership. Of course, my German wasn't so great anyway at this point, although I was able to function well enough, as we'll see as things move along here. I expect that bringing a salad for the wedding was my first contribution to the church functioning.

In any case, the problems I had at work most definitely did not carry over to my relations with the church.

***

On Thursday, August 20th I had another appointment with my doctor to get new prescriptions.

***

Then on Saturday, August 22 I had two of the young families over for a picnic. Both of the men in the families were instructors in the ministry to Eastern Europe. I remember this picnic really well, so I'll go into more detail about it.

The reason I had them over for a picnic was because my apartment was so small and I thought the younger kids, especially the ones of the new family, would enjoy being able to run around.

I spent a lot of time preparing for the picnic, including a salad and dessert. I packed everything up and they men helped carry it all to the picnic site, because it was at the edge of the Wienerwald (Viennese Forest) near me, so we walked to it from my place, about 1/2 a mile (ca. 1 km.).

***

Here is one of the recipes I prepared:

Corned-Beef Picnic Buns

6 oz. corned beef, chopped
2 tablespoons chili sauce
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1 tablespoon pickle relish
1 tablespoon finely chopped onion
2 ounces Monterey Jack cheese, diced
1 (8 oz.) can refrigerated crescent rolls
1 1/2 teaspoons butter or margarine, melted
1/2 cup crushed potato chips

Prehead oven to 375F (190C). Grease 8 muffin cups. In a bowl, combine corned beef, chili sauce, mayonnaise, pickle relish, onion and cheese. Separate refrigerated dough into triangles. Place about 2 tablespoons corned-beef mixture on each dough triangle near wide end. Pull up sides of dough over filling. Roll to opposite point of triangle until filling is completely covered. Pinch edges to seal. Place buns in greased muffin cups with point of dough on the bottom. Brush tops with butter or margarine. Sprinkle potato chips over bun. Gently press chips into buns. Bake until lightly browned, about 20 minutes. Cool slightly on rack. Wrap warm buns in paper napkins or paper towels. Serve warm or at room temperature. If buns will not be served within 3 hours, refrigerate. Rehead buns on a baking sheet in a 350F (175C) oven 10 minutes. Makes 8 servings.

Deeming, Sue, & Deeming, Bill. (1983). Soups & Sandwiches. Tucson, AZ: HP Books, p. 91.

***

I think everyone had fun. After eating the women stayed chatting around the picnic table while the men and young boys walked around a bit. The boys had a bit of excitement when they found a harmless snake. Then we had dessert later on and eventually walked back to my apartment.

I always have enjoyed entertaining, so it's been difficult when I've been in situations that I haven't been able to do as much as I'd otherwise like to. I am resourceful, though, and always manage to find something else to fill my time with. Still, it's not like I don't know there's some compensating going on for what I'd maybe rather be doing or at least what I'd be happier doing.

***

This is the end of my August 1987 entries in my calendar, and I'm going to take another break here because I have more files I need to go through here before I reach the 5th month crisis point.

22. Family

I don't know what your family is like, but mine has some dysfunctional aspects to it. Right now I really can't deal with that because 1) I still have health issues that are uncontrolled - either not yet clarified as to what is wrong or not yet being treated for one reason or another; and 2) because my financial situation is discouraging - I spend an inordinate amount on health maintenance in the hopes that I can eventually at least be well enough to get and keep a part-time position, but half the time I don't even have enough money to take care of my health needs and I'm hoping I can have enough money to pay my next 6-month car insurance payment. The stress of moving around so much and not having a decent support network because of that doesn't help either. My little apartment is just crammed and many things are still unpacked, for a variety of reasons. These are some of my current stressors.

Since Mom called me a couple days ago I've been dragging my feet about calling her back, especially since I didn't have time to talk long that time. But the thing is that even though we haven't been in touch a lot since everything blew up up north (my relationship with my brother there, resulting in my move back here), probably most of our conversations have had unpleasant parts to them, and I just stress out thinking about that. Each time it's been something I couldn't have or didn't predict, so I've been trying to run through possible phone conversation scenarios with her to see if I can try to rig it so it will be a pleasant conversation. But since the other times have been unexpected things she's said, I feel sort of stymied and just can't get myself to call her.

My neighbor lady thinks I should just let my relationship with my Mom go - I'm 50 years old and I shouldn't be letting Mom have this strangle hold on me. But family ties in our family have traditionally been strong, so that no matter what, we're still family.

I told Mom I'd call her back that same day after I got home, and that was Thursday. Today is Saturday and I still haven't called her. I said before how I try to do what I said I will do, but I just can't get myself to call her. I've even thought that maybe I should write to her, but then it's possible she'd show the letter to my brothers. I sent her a card for Mother's Day and she said she had it up somewhere, I forget where, so my brother back there at least saw it if he didn't also read it too.

Thursday my fever got to 99.8 again. It was down yesterday to 99.1, but today it got to 99.8 again. So this bug is still with me even after going through my 4th round of antibiotics and 2nd round of methylprednisone a month ago.

Yesterday the new ophthalmologist put plugs in my eyes for the dry eyes. I was transferred to her because she specializes in dry eyes. They put a strip in my eye to test what my tear production was and it was about 0, which just verifies what others have been saying, that I have VERY dry eyes. I already take Restasis and over-the-country preservative-free eye drops, but even so I still have such low tear production.

I don't know if anyone reads these or not, but I just want to get my story out there, in case it's of interest to someone. As you can see (if you're reading these), I have a lot of problems now and have had a lot of problems in my adult life. Currently I to keep myself pre-occupied with something other than health maintenance (which takes a lot of time): I work on a recipe database and piddle in my kitchen garden. It's not a lot and nothing terribly exciting, but it gives me a little sense of encouragement and I can fit it in my schedule as I can, so it doesn't have heavy demands to stress me out. I have to be careful about not letting failures in the garden upset me though. I'm just learning, to garden, so there is a certain element of trial and error. Fortunately there are enough successes to make it worthwhile.

Wherever you are, I hope you're also able to find something good in your life to enjoy and be thankful for.

~ Meg