I don't know what your family is like, but mine has some dysfunctional aspects to it. Right now I really can't deal with that because 1) I still have health issues that are uncontrolled - either not yet clarified as to what is wrong or not yet being treated for one reason or another; and 2) because my financial situation is discouraging - I spend an inordinate amount on health maintenance in the hopes that I can eventually at least be well enough to get and keep a part-time position, but half the time I don't even have enough money to take care of my health needs and I'm hoping I can have enough money to pay my next 6-month car insurance payment. The stress of moving around so much and not having a decent support network because of that doesn't help either. My little apartment is just crammed and many things are still unpacked, for a variety of reasons. These are some of my current stressors.
Since Mom called me a couple days ago I've been dragging my feet about calling her back, especially since I didn't have time to talk long that time. But the thing is that even though we haven't been in touch a lot since everything blew up up north (my relationship with my brother there, resulting in my move back here), probably most of our conversations have had unpleasant parts to them, and I just stress out thinking about that. Each time it's been something I couldn't have or didn't predict, so I've been trying to run through possible phone conversation scenarios with her to see if I can try to rig it so it will be a pleasant conversation. But since the other times have been unexpected things she's said, I feel sort of stymied and just can't get myself to call her.
My neighbor lady thinks I should just let my relationship with my Mom go - I'm 50 years old and I shouldn't be letting Mom have this strangle hold on me. But family ties in our family have traditionally been strong, so that no matter what, we're still family.
I told Mom I'd call her back that same day after I got home, and that was Thursday. Today is Saturday and I still haven't called her. I said before how I try to do what I said I will do, but I just can't get myself to call her. I've even thought that maybe I should write to her, but then it's possible she'd show the letter to my brothers. I sent her a card for Mother's Day and she said she had it up somewhere, I forget where, so my brother back there at least saw it if he didn't also read it too.
Thursday my fever got to 99.8 again. It was down yesterday to 99.1, but today it got to 99.8 again. So this bug is still with me even after going through my 4th round of antibiotics and 2nd round of methylprednisone a month ago.
Yesterday the new ophthalmologist put plugs in my eyes for the dry eyes. I was transferred to her because she specializes in dry eyes. They put a strip in my eye to test what my tear production was and it was about 0, which just verifies what others have been saying, that I have VERY dry eyes. I already take Restasis and over-the-country preservative-free eye drops, but even so I still have such low tear production.
I don't know if anyone reads these or not, but I just want to get my story out there, in case it's of interest to someone. As you can see (if you're reading these), I have a lot of problems now and have had a lot of problems in my adult life. Currently I to keep myself pre-occupied with something other than health maintenance (which takes a lot of time): I work on a recipe database and piddle in my kitchen garden. It's not a lot and nothing terribly exciting, but it gives me a little sense of encouragement and I can fit it in my schedule as I can, so it doesn't have heavy demands to stress me out. I have to be careful about not letting failures in the garden upset me though. I'm just learning, to garden, so there is a certain element of trial and error. Fortunately there are enough successes to make it worthwhile.
Wherever you are, I hope you're also able to find something good in your life to enjoy and be thankful for.
~ Meg
