326. Organizational Behavior, Pt. 50 (Smircich, pt. 3)

I'm sorry I was away a few days, but I had a few things I needed to do... nothing extraordinary though.

I'm just 52 but because of my health I have limitations more like someone in their 70s or even older.  It's difficult to realize you can't do things you used to do.  Sunday I led the prayer and praise time at church and because of my compromised cognitive faculties it was difficult for me.  I used to teach and so thinking on my feet was an every day thing, but I just couldn't get beyond thinking in pretty concrete terms and I think I rambled too.  So I think I better stick with things I can plan ahead for and not have surprises and have to deal with ad hoc things.

This is a combination of the fibromyalgia and the migraine, I think, that are having this affect, and this has been tested as a fibromyalgia symptom of mine.

***

The other news is some correspondence I've had with a cousin.  My family - my two brothers and I -  are just falling apart.  I think my brothers will sort of stick together and I'll end out alone.  However, my brothers won't like me being alone because they need me as bait to help them look attractive to other women.  They want other women to see how they are with women, and I'd be the exemplar.  Only I don't want to be that exemplar because I don't like their attitude towards and treatment of women (only I can't tell them that because then we'd get in a huge argument where they'd end out looking lily white through some magic slight of hand or the other, and I'd end out looking some sort of bad (i.e., bad, crazy, deceitful, etc.).

It really hurts to see my brothers the way I understand they are, but I can't do anything but pray for them.

The one brother who was the caretaker of mom, being geographically close to her (my other brother and I were thousands of miles away), is so angry but hides it except to those he feels closest too - so most people don't know about it.  And he's manipulative as all get out.  He knows where he has an advantage in the family and he works it for all it's worth to get what he wants.  And he withholds things too to make sure it's clear who is the boss and who has the power.  He's wicked.  I told him, for example, that I want the steak knives that go with mom's sharp knives since I let him have the good china and the silver both.  He knows I want those and we're not talking real expensive items either, but something that might have meaning.  But he's withholding them, why?  At the time he said that I "Already got too much."  It's just a game as far as I'm concerned.  And I'm putting together a family heritage cookbook and he won't even help me with it by 1) identifying some names on recent recipe cards 2) letting me add recipes from the slowcooker cookbooks that he wanted and 3) letting me see if there are any quotes I could use from mom's Bible that he has.  This heirloom cookbook is for everyone and it's ridiculous to not be willing to work with me on this, but then they don't really want me to do a good job on it anyway - they would really like it to be a half-baked job so that they could make a mockery of it.  In which case, why bother?  That brother is the one whose anger was abusive to  my mother, basically driving her to suicide.

The other brother is stuck in a small town that is his ex-wife's territory and where he'll always be a foreigner, so I don't envy him there, but he's stuck there while his kids are underage and he's tied to his business.  That brother is very controlling, and he has a history of physical abuse of his children, also, including the one with muscular dystrophy.

My brothers will probably visit each other, but if the one brother shows his anger much, I'm now sure how well that's going to go over with the other brother, because he's going to want to protect his sons.  His anger isn't anything compared to our other brother.  They could get in their mind they want to come down to see me, but I'm not going to allow that.  And the thing is that there's a guard station here at the condo complex so I could always disallow them to come in anyway.  The guard would call me and say that they were at the gate and should they be allowed in and I'd say "No" and the guard would send them away.

If I went to my hometown I might let my brother there know at some point and agree to meet with him there, maybe for lunch or something.  I woudn't stay with him though.

***

The other health thing is that my g.i. system is not working at all.  So I had to use my electrolyte refill prescription - that's the stuff you drink before a colonoscopy.  Pretty drastic stuff!  The last few days I've used heat, massage, enema every known trick under the sun besides everything and all the meds and supplements I already use... and nothing is working.  So I need to make an appointment with the g.i. doctor.  The thing is that whenever he does tests he never finds anything and it always ends out being neurological - from the spinal stenosis.  This, of course, is not a good thing, but I need to verify it with the g.i. doctor.  

You know what though?  It's because of all these health issues that I don't work and I was having so many problems with jobs here in the USA... (and I was concerned about poor career advancement possibilities in Russia! HAH! At least I had steady work in my field!)... So now I'm freed up to write my autobiography instead! Wheee! : Feel crummy > No work > Write autobiography

***

The next program of research in the text is:

"Corporate Culture: Culture as an Internal Variable"

"A second major way that culture and organization are linked is that used by researchers who recognize that organizations are themselves culture-producing phenomena... Organizatinos are seen as social instruments that produce goods and services, and, as a by-product, they also produce distinctive cultural artifacts such as rituals, legends, and ceremonies." (p. 344)

This really doesn't add much to what I've said elsewhere.  The idea of organizational culture being a by-product is interesting, however, and could reasonably fit the Vienna mission.  That's not to say that the culture as it was was a given, but that given the particular leadership and the particular make-up of the board and the member missions dictated the nature of the beast.

***

"Research with this conception of culture is generally based on a systems theory framework.  As such, it is concerned with articulating patterns of contingent relationships among collections of variables that appear to figure in organizational survival. Heretofore, typical variables considered in this research tradition were structure, size, technology, and leadership patterns." (p. 344)

I think systems theory is fascinating, although I don't know as much about it as I'd like.  It can be very useful in program evaluation.  But here we have researchers trying to understand organizations using a systems approach to try to pick up nuances of culture.  Doing it that way you'd pick up culture with a small "c" and I'm not sure how well systems theory is at picking up some of the nontangible aspects of culture, like attitudes and beliefs, so it would have its limits

As to the "organizational survival" issue, I thinjk I can say a few words about that too.  If you think about it, there are a bunch of nondenominational missions, more or less like that one in Vienna that have been around a long time.  Have they thought in terms or "organizational survival"?  Do they plan and make desicions based on organizational survival?  Is that a biblical mandate?  Is that something they should be striving for?  What if God doesn't really particularly want a bunch of stuffy old missions hanging around for decade upon decade?

In any case, it is certain that since the Vienna mission had taken mega big-time security precautions it seems pausible that there maybe have been some concern for "organizational survival," although there were other concerns as well resulting in the security precautions.

***

"Culture is usually defined as social or normative glue that holds an organization together... It expresses the values or social ideals and the beliefs that organization members come to share... These values or patterns of belief are manifested by symbolic devices such as myths... rituals stories..., and specialized language..." (p. 344)

This does make sense, and if it is true, then it's fairly easy to see why I couldn't have lasted with the mission - because I didn't have the "glue" that would hold me to the group.  That is, I didn't share significant aspects of the values and beliefs of the group.   And if it's true that these types of values, ideals, beliefs, etc. generally become manifested by symbolic devices as described in the text, then it's no wonder that I was confused so much of the time about what was going on!

***

"Culture, conceived as shared key values and beliefs, fulfills several functions.  First, it conveys a sense identity for organization members... Second, it facilitates the generation of commitment to something larger than the self... Third, culture enhances social system stability... And fourth, culture serves as a sense-making device that can guide and shape behavior." (p. 345-346)

This really sums up a lot and from this perspective it looks so easy.  I think I realized that by rejecting part of the value system I couldn't identify with the other members.  I might not have been able to say it in so many words, and I did still socialize with them.  But there was a growing wall between us.

I think for those who did come to share the values and beliefs of the mission their focus generally grew to be more on how to please the mission.

The culture would have played an important role in "social system stability", which would have been crucial for security concerns, especially.  And every time a new worker would come they'd have to go through the on-the-job training experience again, so they'd need the system to be as stable as possible.

The fourth function irks me.  I rather rebel against that kind of thing.  I'm not that crazy about anyone "guiding and shaping my behavior.  If I get a whiff of someone trying to to "guide and shape my behavior," especially surreptitiously, I want to know what's going on.  I think that generally I'm pretty amenable to reasonable requests (and even demands), but if there is something potentially unreasonable they want from me  I don't want someone uning underhanded ways to trying to go about getting it out of me.  And if they think I'm going to be an easy study, they might want to think again.  My kind unassuming exterior belies my intelligent and strong interior.  Try me.

***

 "Overall, the research agenda arising from the view that culture is an organizational variable is how to mold and shape internal culture in particular and how to change culture, consistent with managerial purposes.." (p. 346)

This was published in 1983, a few short years before I was in Vienna and before I faced the U.S. military chaplian/Vienna mission H.R. director that fateful day that ended out sending me back to the States for a few months just 5 months after I'd arrived in Vienna.    To refresh your memory about that meeting I must give you some background:

1.  I spent 4 months in Europe in 1981-2 including some time on my own as well as serving as a citizen delegate on a sister-city exchange, and on a study abroad program.

2. I spend 6 months in Europe in 1983 including: on a summer ministry, spending a week visiting a ministry I was interested in, studying Germin in Berlin (and volunteering several times a week at the Betheldiakonewerke, and visiting and making friends several times at a Lutheran seminary in East Berlin, etc.), and volunteering 6 weeks at the Society for the Study of Religion under Communism (aka Keston College) in England.

3.  I was attending an Austrian church in Vienna and doing just fine at the church

4.  I was not given any serious work to do at the mission, but the first couple months I was given software manuals to read when before I had come to Vienna I had offered to take a computer course if they'd tell me what software I would be using and they refused to tell me saying I could learn when I arrived.

5.  Contrary to the policy manual they wouldn't let me take my allotted months (1 month per pledged year of service) German upon arrival, saying there was too much work to do (!!).

There's a lot more I'm not telling you here but the gist of the matter is that I was facing a lot of stress, but it was not from being in Vienna, but it was from the mission.  I got along just fine in Vienna, to church, shopping, even signing up for classes by myself at the volkshochschule (a kind of adult school) and ordering a desk from Ikea when someone told me where it was.  Austria was not the problem the mission was.

So enter the H.R. director, and he has this handy dandy article with charts and everything showing how one has culture shock at certain months and so he diagnosed me right then and there with culture shock.  But if I had culture shock it was culture shock of the mission's culture not of Austria's culture.

But what does this have to do with the text?  I need to get back to the text.

The thing is that it seems as if the mission leadership might have all been reading this text, this paragraph with great eagerness and just waiting with baited breath for the research to come out that might help guide them in creating the most effective culture for their needs, because they somehow saw how culture was vital for their work, for their purposes.  So it's very possible that my boss and his boss and some of the board of director read some of these articles...

... except, it would seem, the H. R. director.  I say that because If he had read these he would have known that it was not the Austrian culture that was the problem but the mission!  But he didn't know!  So somehow he didn't have the same awareness of organizational culture as the others in the administration and he thought the problems I was facing was culture shock as in the usual adaptation in a move to a new country.

However, it does seem a little strange that an H.R. director wouldn't know about organizational culture, but you have to remember that at the mission we didn't have the usual orientation process that you might think an H.R. department would organization, and which would include elements of organizational culture.

***

 I'm sorry this took so long to get out.  I actually wrote it over several days.  I've had a lot going on and a few health issues as well as some things  sort of bringing up family things again.   Overall my lumbar stenosis (basically the whole lumbar is one big mild to moderate stenosis), is getting worse.

My cousin told me more details about my brother's anger but she thinks we should all (me and my brothers) be all re-united sometime - even though she think they have such low view of women.  I don'd want to be re-united with them and have them think that I condone that and have them care for me in my old age.  But I don't have anyone.  I need to find someone to be my 1) living will designee, 2) executor, and 3) benefactor (for various things).

It just kills me to think mom put up with my brother's abuse and she would have received a lot more respect from me but everone was afraid that I'd take all her money, which makes me mad and I want to just let them all go their own way if that's what they think of me.  My cousing made a jab sort of along those lines too when I showed her my calender in case my brothers are saying I'm just going to the beach all day (which mom said once and I think she was just parroting them) and she responded that it was fortunate that I had enough money to affort such good care (my cousing said that).  So I corrected her that since I'm on disability (SSDI) I have medicare (a medicare advantage plan) and medicaid (for being "medically needy" - i.e., being on SSDI), so I don't have to pay that much, but I do have to shop around to find providers that take my insurance.

With friends like that who needs enemies?  Well, the thing is that dad is the one who defined who I was for the family from the time I went to Vienna, and ultimately I think that came from him.  At any rate, it didn't from that cousin.  I suspect she heart it from my brother there - the one that was abusive to my mom.

182. Socialization File, pt. 65 (Black et al., pt. 2)

I suppose it's about time I posted another image. This is the title page of a book my friends, students at the Paulinum Lutheran Seminary gave me the last time I went to visit them in East Berlin (during the 2 months I was studying at the Goethe Institut in West Berlin). Inside the front cover is another card that even more of them signed. I maintained contact with a few of them for some time and I was going to visit Thomas and Sabine (Thomas graduated, they got married and then settled into a full-time church position) while I was working in Vienna, but the mission interrupted my plans. The Vienna mission actually did a lot to come between me and my friends and I lost a lot of good friends because of them. It was hard to explain to people what was going on and when the mission had a chance they did the explaining for me, which you can guess wasn't favorable for me.



The thing is though, that here we have German pastors (in training when I visited them in E. Germany) who would, as you can guess, vouch for me not having culture shock during the time they knew me, which was almost 4 years before I joined the Vienna mission.

***

Returning to our text... The next main section in this journal article is titled: "Review of the Domestic Adjustment Literature."

That is, this section is about adjusting to new work settings in one's homeland (vs. abroad).

"According to Van Maanen and Schein (1979: 211-212), 'Organizational socialization refers minimally... to the fashion in which an individual is taught and learns what behaviors and perspectives are customary and desirable within the work setting as well as what ones are not.'" (p. 296)

I never was completely sure what was expected of me. But the thing was, that I don't think the specific actions were that important to the mission, what they really wanted was just total submission. Until you reached that point the specific actions aren't that important. Of course, the problem I had was that they were a total institution, and although I didn't know that term then, I understood they wanted control of pretty much your whole life while with them (but they wouldn't have to dictate everything, because you knew pretty much what to do, because if you did otherwise you'd soon understand that you were out of line).

If I was going to give my whole life (even just 2 years of it) over to an organization, I had to be pretty certain I agreed with certain things like their values. It seemed very strange that a mission would have values that it didn't want communicated or to be direct about. That made me think that there probably was something that I wouldn't like and would regret later if I did submit. It was a catch-22 really, because you couldn't know these things until you submitted, but I couldn't submit as long as I felt there were things I didn't agree with, which were the things that I wouldn't be privy about until I submitted.

There is one thing I learned about myself at Vienna, although I didn't realize it until some time later, but I don't respond well to being pressured into something, especially something I don't think I'd like (or even things I know I wouldn't like). If the only means of persuasion in such situations is pressure or sheer force, versus rationalization and explanation, then I'm not a good candidate for conversion. To say I'm not a push over, however, implies that the others working at the mission were.

Here are the means I think the mission used to socialize me (assuming that's what they were doing):
> debasement (reading software manuals)
> psychology (assertion of me having culture shock)
> reference group/mentoring (via other secretaries)
> relations with my boss and his family

That's all that I can think of right now where the mission seemed to make an effort to socialize me specifically. Of course, other interactions and organizational events provided opportunities for me to observe and learn, but these weren't planned as being specifically for me.

***

I'm skipping a few sections that don't provide new information or are not otherwise helpful in this exercise of making sense of my time with the Vienna mission. I'm picking up here in a sub-sub-section called: "Sensemaking in the adjustment process."

"In Louis's model [of how individuals adjust to transitions], the pertinent question relates to how an individual makes sense out of his or her new experience. How does the individual cope? To a certain extent, the individual unconsciously acts out of programmed scripts. This is particularly true when the situation confronted is perceived as similar to previous experiences. In other cases, the individual must think and use rational means to understand the situation, and this occurs at a conscious level. Research has indicated that a person uses rational means to sort out confusion when confronted with a novel situation or with a surprise (e.g., unmet expectations) (Abelson, 1976; Langer, 1978). Fastinger's (1956) theory of cognitive dissonance explains the action: When what is expected does not happen, individuals must rationalize it through reanalysis, or what Louis referred to as a 'need... for a return to equilibrium.' (1980a, 337)." (p. 298)

There are helpful ideas here. Let's start with "To a certain extent, the individual unconsciously acts out of programmed scripts." I'm sort of familiar with this type of thing from my English teaching background and interest in sociolinguistics in particular. It's like when you go to the doctor, you know pretty much what to do and say. For example, I might walk in and sign a sheet indicating my arrival. Then I might need to fill out some paperwork so they can bill my insurance and I might need to pay a co-pay. Then I know that I wait until a nurse calls me in and then there are certain usual protocols for interactions with the doctor too.

What programmed scripts might I have expected to be effective in Vienna? I'm going to answer this using commonalities I might have expected there with other groups or situations:
1. I could have expected my work to be similar to other office temp work I'd done (filing, typing letters, etc.)
2. I could have expected the mission to function similar to other East European mission experiences or contacts I'd had
3. I could have expected the mission to have similar values to the ones I'd developed in my work and study of religion in Eastern Europe
4. I could have expected to have a similar value system based on our common conservative Evangelical Christian backgrounds

It's possible I could, with time, think of others, but suffice it to say that none of these fit what I found in the mission. None of those frames fit, the apparent logic of the mission didn't jive with any of these, and none of them served to help me predict actions and responses of the mission. So there was something else going on that none of these protocols fit. What was it? To be honest with you, it might be that your guess is as good as mine. I have a few ideas, but I'm not sure.

***

"Dawis and Lofquist (1984) argued that individuals can adjust by changing the environment in the new situation to more readily correspond to or match their needs and abilities and labeled this mode of adjustment as active. They also argued that individuals can adjust to the new situation by changing themselves and labeled this mode of adjustment as reactive." (p. 299)

Needless to say, the active mode was out of the question in the Vienna mission, unless, maybe you were the director, but even he couldn't have done it single-handedly. It may sound strange (and very naive!), but I hoped for some time that I could have what I thought of as a positive impact on the mission. But that was foolish dreaming. Since submitting was everything at the mission, newcomers had to be reactive and probably even after being socialized there would be precious few opportunities to be active.

***

"Adjustment made by changing neither self nor the situation [Nicholson (1984)] termed replication. Adjustment made by changing self but not the situation he termed absorption. Adjustment made by changing the situation but not the self was called determination. Finally, adjustment made by changing both self and the situation was termed exploration." (p. 299)

This is interesting too. I suspect that somehow a lot of the theologians adjusted by replication. That is there was very little they needed to change to fit in, that somehow there was something in there background that made the transition easy. I'm not sure about this though.

Other than that, all adjustments at the mission wold have to have been absorption. Those were the only two options available there.

So if you came to the mission with pretty much the same values and norms you might adjust by replication, but otherwise most everyone would have adjusted by absorption.

I think absorption is a very good term for the Vienna mission context because, in as much as it was a total institution, your whole life (for your tenure with the mission) became absorbed in it, including your identity, your relations, how you viewed the world, etc. You became the mission.

They would balk at this assertion, though, I'm sure, but I'd like to here from them some examples of exploration or determination as socialization processes of specific individuals if they do respond thus.

***

"According to Dawis and Lofquist (1984), the first set of antecedents of mode of adjustment is the flexibility of the work environment which moderated the mode of adjustment. Nicholson (1984) referred to this notion as role discretion, and both sets of scholars argued that greater role discretion leads to modes of adjustment that focus on adjustment through changing the situation rather than changing aspects of the individual. Additionally, Nicholson (1984) concluded that low role novelty leads to modes of adjustment focused on changing the situation and high role novelty leads to modes focused on changing aspects of the individual." (p.299-300)

Again, the work environment was not flexible in Vienna. I mean, I was given the latitude to arrange my own work flow patterns and the like, but if you (read: I) hadn't yet submitted, you'd just be shuffled off to another position, where, again, you'd have that latitude, but risked being moved again if you still hadn't submitted. So in this way, work environment had some flexibility, but the flexibility became meaningless if you hadn't submitted yet. This was how it worked for me, anyway.

***

"Nicholson argued that socialization tactics that are sequential and serial and that involve divestiture lead individuals to change aspects of themselves, whereas socialization tactics that are random and disjunctive and that involve divestiture lead individuals to change aspects of their work role." (p. 300)

The latter grouping fit my experience in Vienna, but the conclusion ("lead individuals to...") is a non sequitur one. It didn't lead me to "change aspects of my work role" because 1) I wasn't sure what needed to be changed, 2) I was pretty sure it had precious little to do with my "work role" per se, and 3) my position kept changing. So really, it was virtually impossible to try to learn the ropes in such a situation, but if "learning the ropes" wasn't the issue, then there is some logic to it.

***

"Nicholson also argued that two individual variables also affect mode of adjustment. He asserted that low desire for feedback and low need for control lead to adjustment by changing neither aspects of the work role nor the individual and that high desire for feedback and high need for control lead to adjustment by changes in both aspects of the work role and of the individual." (p. 300)

I think I probably had relatively low desire for feedback and low need for control. Or maybe it would be somewhat more accurate to say, that I had relatively low need for feedback and high tolerance for ambiguity. I wouldn't say I particularly desired or didn't desire feedback about my work, but I didn't feel a great need for it generally. It's possible that substituting "high tolerance for ambiguity" is not exactly the same as "low need for control," but I think they're pretty close in this context. I didn't need a high level of control in as much as I was willing for there to be some ambiguity (in the position, regarding the mission, etc.). If the ambiguity became intolerable I would begin to make adjustments to compensate, like try to regain some control.

The other thing here is that, if my tweaking of the statement is at all true to the intended meaning, I would be one of those people who end out changing "neither aspects of the work role nor the individual." This would definitely be anything but acceptable to the mission, that insisted on nothing other than complete submission (absorption). In its eye I'd probably be viewed as being passive, and there probably was some of that in my relations with the mission and in their view of me. I was passive in as much as I was trying to figure them out and not willing to make any major changes (in myself) until I understood it better.

***

This next sub-sub-section is titled: "Relocation Literature."

"The underlying notion was that the greater the disruption of prior routine caused by the relocation, the greater the resulting uncertainty, and the longer it would take before the uncertainty would be reduced to a comfortable level. Breatt (1980) argued that role conflict, role ambiguity, role novelty, and work environment novelty - because these factor tend to increase uncertainty - would be negatively related to adjustment after relocation (i.e., these factors inhibited a smooth and quick adjustment)." (p. 300-301)

I had all of these things, but some of them were intentional (directed specifically at me), and some were organization wide, but towards the end there was little difference between the two (i.e., the mission, I think, was trying to confuse me towards the end so I wouldn't know what was going on and therefore could do less harm after I left, since I was leaving on not good terms).

The role conflict came in when the mission insisted that I was so completely and utterly to be identified as a secretary, and I didn't see myself that way. Role ambiguity came because of there often being little direction and moving around so much. Role novelty was only that in as much as the mission made my role ambiguous and also redefined Eastern European ministry in a way I hadn't expected (i.e., their modus operandi). Work environment novelty existed in as much as the mission seemed to operate in a fashion I totally did not anticipate. Based on this analysis, this theory seems like it might be a helpful framework for understanding my "increased uncertainty" and problems adjusting to life with the mission.

***

This ends that main section of the article, and it's late and I'm tired, so I'm going to leave off here, but we'll pick up where we left off tomorrow.

Good night!

~ Meg

55. 1983, Continued

I'm just sitting down to dinner now. It seems like everything's a big deal and has to do with health. So here's today's preparations for dinner, for example.

iced tea? check
pill bag? check
Restasis (Rx eye drops)? oops! okay, check!
something to eat so my pills will go down? oops, I finished the salad I was having for dinner. Quick fix: omelet with dill & Swiss cheese. check!
Aleve for my fever (99.3)? check!
stimulator for my 45 minute evening session? check!
something to work on at the computer while I do my stimulator and have dinner? check!

Long gone are the days when my dinner prep would just involve food and drink.

***

The document that's being mailed to me still didn't arrive yet. That's not too surprising, as it's from an institution that the mail is notoriously slow in leaving and (for mail going the other direction) being processed once it's received by the organization.

***

In the meantime, and before we move on, I thought I'd share some "realia" as we call it in language teaching. Realia is just something from real life, such as a ticket, menu or the like. This might just give another dimension to my life at this time and let you sort of experience a few more thing of my life vicariously.



alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5505053876308414818" />

These images are the front and back of a post card. The relevance of this post card to the discussion at hand is that it comes from a gal I met on the Luther Tour. Most of the people on the tour were Lutherans from Australia; I may have been the only American. Lynette and I kept in touch for a few years, but she was one of the people that my 1987 to 1989 Vienna experience resulted in losing contact with. We were about the same age and we had a lot of fun together on the tour, although we didn't know each other before that.



This is sort of a quirky incident of my time in Berlin. Somewhere along the line there I needed replacement contact lenses, and I had the company that I had insurance for my lenses with send me a new pair. Upon receiving a notice that they were at customs ready to be picked up, I had a little trouble convincing the customs agent that I really only paid $15 for them because they were insured. The agent said they don't have that kind of insurance there (at least back then, I guess that was the case) and I had a bit of a time trying to convince him I didn't pay a great some of money for them. The reason why this mattered is that there was a 15% customs fee and 15% on, say $2,000 was beyond my means. Eventually I convinced him and got my lenses for a customs fee of 9.95 Deutsche Marke. Phew!



This is the first page of a handwritten copy of a prayer latter I sent out from my summer 1983 mission trip. I didn't put the whole letter here because it's hard to read and my editing doesn't help the matter. So I'm going to transcribe the whole thing here for you:

***

As my time here in Vienna draws to a close, I am again amazed at God's leading and direction in the lives of individuals and in situations. As a team we have worked in several youth camps, in a Christian printing press, in a refugee camp and in literature & clothing delivery. It was been a hectic summer, but one with few mishaps. Indeed, God has seen fit to bless our ministries more than we could ask or think.

My last week at the refugee camp was a sad one of farewells. I was glad to see Orsolya, my Hungarian friend, show an increasing interest in Christian things. Several years ago she had a close friend, a believer, who shared often with her. I'm not sure if she is a believer, but she is interested in talking about God & shares with her children from the Hungarian children's Bible story book that I gave her. I am hoping that one of the missionaries here will begin a regular Bible study with her soon.

I also spent a week at a camp in Eastern Europe recently. We were there as campers, along with the other youth (mainly in the 15-22 year old range that week), and we were conscious of our setting an example to the others, who mainly had not been Christians for more than 3 years. The Christian fellowship of such summer camps is craved by young people who are often ostracized by their Roman Catholic peers. I was able to share my experiences & growth as a Christian as well as an answer of prayer in two evening meetings. I was also glad to be an encouragement to the camp director. He works hard and cheerfully all summer with little help. Currently, as seems to be frequently the case in Eastern Europe, the campers sleep in tents and share 2 sinks and a lake for washing in. However, there is construction under way for a new building. The campers even help with the work after lunch (in the morning there are Bible lessons). The love & unity of the campers who came from all over the country was a ministry to me. The high point of the week was when four young people decided, in an evening service, to follow Christ.

I appreciate your prayers and gifts this summer. I know that without either of these I would not have been able to come here. I would appreciate your continued prayers as I continue in related independent work for the next 3 months, in E. Germany, with Russians in W. Berlin, visiting missionaries in Hamburg & Amsterdam, and working with an information gathering service [in England].

... I am so glad that God is sovereign. Even in times when I really want to live for myself (take the easy way), [H]e keeps directing me. This way God gets the glory and I must trust in His sufficiency.

Waiting on Him,

[Meg]

***

I found my calendar for 1983 and it's very full. I don't want to bore you with too many details, but here are just a few of the entries I have for the second half of 1983:

On the short-term mission:
June 28-30 I was at the refugee camp

July 2-8 I was traveling in Czechoslovakia [notice that there is very little time between these trips for briefing/debriefing, doing laundry, etc.]

In Hamburg
August 21 I went to a Brethren church, had lunch with an Egyptian emigrant couple, and went to the harbor to see the ministry with the truckers

In Berlin
Oct. 5 Work at Bethel, then to the coffee bar being held by the church I was going to for a youth evangelism week

Oc. 6 Dinner at Bethel for sending missionaries to Korea [this was a special event; I didn't go to this as a volunteer]

Oct. 21 11:15 monthly test at Goethe. Hans arrives from Amsterdam.

Oct. 22 Hans and I go to a Baptist retreat in E. Berlin

In England

Nov. 27 (Sunday) Thanksgiving dinner with an American working at the research center

Nov. 28 Take a day trip to Eastbourne to the British SGA office there, where I meet the staff and am taken out to a fish and chip lunch.

***

These are just snippets, but I hope you have enough to go on to have a fuller picture of my experiences and who I am. I don't think I would have gone to the Eastbourne SGA office if I had given up all interest in working with SGA, although I've already told you of my concerns leading up to this point. However, I also would not have collected all the names and addresses of missions to Eastern Europe while I was at that research center if I didn't still have doubts either. I'll tell you before too long how I used that list I developed and what happened there.

That's all for now. I think we've discussed this period of my life enough to move on. Of course, since we're not having a two-way conversation I don't know if you have questions, but I'm trying to reasonably cover as many potential questions as I can.

Good night.

~ Meg

54. 1983, 2nd Half of the Year

Once again I'm going to quote from the human rights report I wrote about 15 years ago. However, I'm not to provide some details (e.g., some people's names, many of whom are consequential anyway as far as the gist of my story goes). Some of this text

***

After a week of orientation at the [mission] headquarters... we left for Europe in the beginning of June. There were about 20 of us. We flew to Luxembourg and drove from there to [Vienna] which would be our base for the summer.

I was on one of the two refugee camp teams working in [name of town], Austria. The two teams alternated weeks there. Other than that I worked one week at an evangelical summer camp in Poland... I also traveled in Czechoslovakia setting up meetings... Finally, I made 1 trip to Budapest bringing in Christian literature.

We stuck to ourselves, per instructions by our leaders and didn't mix with the Austrians or other Americans. We even had our own church service[s], as, we were told, everyone would know what we were there for.

It was that summer I also had my first contact with [the mission I worked 2 years with in Vienna]. I was sent to their office in one of the missionary vans to pick up a "light table" (for drafting). I didn't really remember anything of that trip - the people or what we discussed - but I later realized that they sent me there on purpose as they wanted me to work there. When I returned to the States one of [the mission's] workers made a point of showing me [the Vienna mission's] brochures and describing their work to me.

Then from there I went to Hamburg, Germany, where I spent a week with a dear elderly couple working with [a different mission to Eastern Europe]... George [the husband] was a Russian Baptist pastor and [his wife], of Czech descent, was the sister of a lady in my church [where I went to Bible school]... They worked among emigrants from various countries and shippers and truckers from E. Eur. and the Soviet Union. They also travelled into the Soviet Union, although less and less as they got older.

I would say that this trip to Europe was a trial for me - I was trying to find out how I could best fit into E. Eur. ministry, what the needs were, what my spiritual gifts and interests were. But my German studies were also a training time - acquiring another useful skill.

I decided to study German because it seemed that few worked solely in the Soviet Union - access was too difficult - and people in the satellite countries didn't like to use Russian. I wanted to study in E. Germany to experience what it's like living in a Communist country so that I could relate to the people I was working with more. But I was still pretty much a beginner, having only studied the language half a year, and to study German in E. Germany you had to be at the graduate level. So I settled for West Berlin with trips to E. Germany.

I studied at the Goethe Institut in Berlin from the beginning of Sept. to the end of Oct. We had classes every morning for four hours. I also attended the Evangelische Freikirche Gemeinde Schoneberg district. I enjoyed this church and met once with Pastor Brandt. I also volunteered three afternoons a week at the Diakonewerke Bethel, an evangelical residence for the mentally handicapped. I cleaned and set up for dinner in the dining room for the workers, for their evening meal.

I had come to Berlin knowing that there was a seminary in E. Berlin, which I soon found at Georgenkirchestrasse, 70. I visited there often and several of us became friends. Once I visited a Baptist retreat in E. Berlin... Later, when I was living in Vienna, I was prohibited from the mission from going to visit Sabine and Thomas Guenzel, friends from the seminary...

From Berlin I went to England. I lived with the Research Director's family actually on the grounds of the [research center], who provided me with room and board, for which I paid a weekly fee. My work at the college was [as a] volunteer. I monitored Soviet newspapers for articles related to religion in the country. Then I updated (re-wrote) the second half of [a report on religion in the Soviet Union using their files]. My last assignment was to translate some letters from believers in the Soviet Union into English[, one of which was later published in a mission's newsletter].

I [volunteered there] thinking that I might be interested in that kind of work. But I saw that [they] were really an ecumenical organization, and not at all what I would call evangelical, and I wanted to be involved more in evangelical mission work... I also was continuing my search for how I could best be involved in E. Eur. missions. When I had time I read through [their] collection of newsletters from missions and myself collected quite a list of missions which I was to use later in my continued search [for how to be involved in E. Eur. missions].

I returned to [where I did my Bible school studies] in the beginning of December, making my stay in Europe 6 months. Then I left for Seattle to spend Christmas with my family. I was there for about a month.

***

End of citation.

I'd like to end this quote with a discussion of some of the details in it.

1. At this point it seems (from this vantage point) that qualms were on my end rather then on than from a mission. I was still coming at this, decisions about the specifics of my career, pretty straight on. I don't mean that I was transparent regarding my questions, but that I was just approaching this from trying to find a good fit between my values and what I thought were my strengths and trying to find a mission and specific ministry to link up with.

In turn, however, I also think that problems I saw with the missions were things that were inherent in themselves and as such had nothing to do with how they treated me specifically, because I was being treated pretty well personally. So you can't say, at least up to this point in the game, that I was just lashing out as a disgruntled worker, because I had no reason to be disgruntled and did not think of myself as being mistreated either. Rather, my complaints were about the mission(s) apart from how they treated me, but how they operated in general. And I stand by those same complaints to this day. In some ways I haven't change in all these years, be that fortunate or unfortunate.

2) Also, I'm not sure at this point why I once and for all decided not to go with SGA after these 6 months. If I find something in my notes and documentation about that, I'll let you know. It can't have been how I personally was treated though, so it must have been something else; maybe it's just that my earlier qualms weren't assuaged and that was enough in and of itself.

3) I did enjoy the work in London, doing the kinds of things I was doing there. Some of the work they did was a support for evangelical missions, but their work involved all kinds of religions, so in the end I didn't feel like it was evangelical enough for me.

4) As an aside, later as and English as a Second Language instructor, although I could relate to students coming from abroad to America based on my experience, especially in Berlin, I couldn't always related. The Goethe Institut (German spelling), as is common with language schools pretty much globally, offered social opportunities and excursions. But I only remember going on one of their excursions, and my life otherwise was very full during those 2 months with non school-related activities, although I did a bit of socializing with at least 3 of the other students that I can remember. So based on my experience I wasn't too sympathetic of students I taught who, outside of formal opportunities the school offered, had virtually no other exposure to Americans. It was hard for me to imagine being so afraid to step out of their comfort zone, since I was all over the place (literally and figuratively) outside of my comfort zone. How on earth did they even have the guts to come study in America anyway if all they were going to do was stay in the confines of the school and its official activities the whole time? And how much added benefit was there for their language learning, compared to, say, learning English in Japan or Bogota? It was sort of incomprehensible to me. And it wasn't like I was fluent in German when I was in Berlin. I remember having some difficulty understanding the instructions for what I was supposed to do in my volunteer work, for example. They were very patient with me, I guess.

That's sort of on another subject though... and doesn't really have anything to do with anything important as far as my autobiography goes...

***

I've got to run as I have some things I need to try to do before 3:00.

~ Meg

50. 1983

For this next installment of my autobiography I've decided to quote directly from the human rights report I wrote up while living in Chicago... contrary to my father's belief, I did write it in English (not Russian). Since I wrote it about 15 years ago, it was much closer to the time these events occurred, so my memory would have been better. Besides, so much has happened since then that also would have contributed to blurring of the memory.

***

When I returned to [the city where I was studying], I began my living out of a suitcase experience. I remained strapped financially until the last 3 months when I was able to save a little because I was waitressing [rather than cooking at Pizza Hut] and had to pay minimal rent for a bedroom. I also began to feel estranged from my parents, lacking their moral support and understanding, even after they visited me and saw my difficult situation. ... [T]he then pastor of [our Seattle church] and his wife visited me also while in the area and for years commented even publicly or to my parents about the difficulty of my situation. This annoyed my dad. I got the impression it made him look like he should have done something to help out. (Later they said they hadn't known I was in such difficult straits). Well, they did help out - mom offered to send me $25 a month to have my hair cut. As a budgetary decision, I let my hair grow that year. I was pretty mad at this offer - which she carried out. I was living off $10 a week for food a good part of that year - which isn't much.

... In addition, I was also doubting more and more whether I wanted to work with [Slavic Gospel Association] or not. My doubts centered mostly around the management of the organization. Several times their personnel director, Jay Ter Louw, asked me when I was going to begin working full-time for them. I always hedged in answering him.

What bothered me was that the mission seemed to be run more like a business than a mission. For people (readers) who aren't Christians this might be difficult to understand. There was a kind of spiritual vacuum in the decision-making and management policies & practices.

One significant example of this was when "all of a sudden" 1/3 of the (all salaried) home office staff were let go. Since the mission was a non-profit organization none of these people were eligible to receive unemployment insurance and most were only given 2-3 days notice of dismissal.

I was appalled from the standpoint of financial irresponsibility (why did they just "suddenly" realize they were bad off financially?) They had not long before that acquired a new warehouse and computer system. I was also disturbed that a mission could treat its workers so. It seemed pretty unethical to me.

Not only that, but the mission began to call in workers from their European & South American mission fields who were all on faith support - not salary - from individuals and churches to cover the now vacant office positions. These people had gone into their work believing God had called them to that ministry. How could a mission take so many lives away from that? Several of the missionaries from South America (working with Russians and in short wave radio from HCJB in Quito, Ecuador) and spent many years (10-20) in their work.

Later, as I was forced into studying how secret services work as a matter of my own defense in the face of actions taken against me personally by E. Eur. missions, I realized that it is a common tactic to periodically re-shuffle staff so that the opponent can't make sense of who does what and knows what I what. I saw this also in Vienna.

Unfortunately, it wasn't until several years later that I realized the significance of a statement by SGA's Asst. Dir. in charge of accounting. In passing (alone) in the basement corridor at the head office between his office and the library, where I was working, he told me that SGA received money from the CIA for its radio work. It was kind of a strange thing to tell me and I guess it was a kind of a test. They were pretty sure they had me nabbed for work in the Soviet Union, either with them or with another organization. It probably didn't matter too much to them with whom since most of the big name E. Eur. missions practically have to have contact w/SGA.

This was a difficult year for me ('82-'83), and many would have given up trying to go to school, prepare for East European mission work, but I felt God's call for me and that I had to continue. I struggled with what God was trying to tell me or teach me through the difficulties, but even so I knew I couldn't give up.

In the spring of '83 I began getting more waitressing shifts at Pizza Hut and my living expenses were minimal, so I was able to save some money. That summer I went back to Europe - kind of as a last try to see if I would work with [SGA] long-term. I raised money from churches and individuals for this, which included my flight to and from Europe. With the money I saved I was able to eek out enough to study German two months in Berlin and work five weeks at [a research center specializing in religion in Eastern Europe]. Throughout this time I continued to live on a shoe string.

***

That's all I'm going to quote for now, but I do want to add a few comments.

You'll remember that my dad offered to pay off my school loans? My Bible school wasn't registered such that I could get a deferment while studying there, so I was paying on it during this time. I'll see if I still have (or can run down) when it was finally paid off, but it definitely was off my shoulders before I went to Vienna. I know my Grandmother's annual gifting helped me pay for my first Master's studies; it's even possible that that's how I paid off the undergraduate ones too, but I know I was still paying them while in Bible School, but I believe I got a deferment for while I was in Europe in 1983.

The incident where I was told that SGA got CIA money was out of sequence chronologically, and didn't occur until 1984 after my return from Europe, but the thought sequence fit where it is in the text.

Also, I should explain more the laying off of staff in Vienna. The staff that were laid off were all salaried from the organizational budget, but the people they brought in from the field were not paid out of the main budget. Instead their income came from supporters, although the organization took a percentage of that for support services and the like. So you can see how the mission was wrangling this financially for their favor. I got to know some of the people brought in from the field and they were some of the most wonderful people, really. Some of them took the move pretty badly too, being hurt by it, I mean, having to leave their mission like that.

One other thing about SGA. When I very first developed contact with the mission, in 1980 I heard Mr. Deneyka, Sr. speak, the one who founded the mission, and he was a very godly man. He was famous for the saying "much prayer, much power," and he lived it and believed it too. Later on in my contact with the mission he was failing and in a nursing home. I suppose he's passed on by now. My understanding is that the mission changed after he stepped down from the leadership, and I believe he had already stepped down by the time I came along. I didn't know the organization before, so I didn't know exactly how the change came about to where it was when I experienced it.

Regarding SGA's shuffling around of its workers, I'm not positive that that was purposely a ploy/tactic to confound detractors, but if they wanted to do that (confound detractors) what they did would have been one possible approach. What' harder to believe: that they were that financially inept? or that they did this intentionally? Personally, I'm torn between these two options and find either and/or both plausible.

Missions that had contact with me may well be angry that I put these things in my report that was given to the Russian government, who evidently translated it. My answer to them is that this kind of thing (their activities I report here) doesn't belong in Christian missions in the first place. Quit hiding behind the fabricated wall of secrecy and make yourself accountable for your actions. No one else seems to have the guts to say anything. And you're welcome to explain your actions to the world using the comment box at the bottom of the page.

I trust you understand that I wasn't literally "forced" (like at gunpoint, for example) to study these things, like the brainwashing which I've already written about, but I was driven to it to try to make sense of what was happening to me. I mean, if one can't make sense of the world around one it would be very easy to go crazy.

To give you a better idea of how I was living out of a suitcase, I'd like to briefly elaborate on that aspect of my life during the first half of 1983. I lived for one month on the sofa of a gal (I think it was someone else who worked with the Russian emigrants knew her and brought us together). So I slept in her living room, and it made it cramped for her, for sure, but also not the most conducive conditions for studying.

Then I spent about a month apartment sitting for a couple who were trying to adopt in South America and went down there to pick up their adoptee. Since I at least had the apartment to myself it was a little easier to spread out study, but I was still living out of a suitcase, or maybe 2 suitcases. I remember their cat Mozart wanting to sit on my book that was trying to study. He was a very nice cat, but a bit too persistent.

Then the last 3 months I rented a room from an older lady who needed the income. She was a very nice lady, and there were 3 of us together, and we really made a motley crew - I was the youngest coming in at 24, then next was a very strong Roman Catholic Polish lady probably in her 50s or 60s who hardly new any English (she was sort of a live-in nurse aide for the lady I rented from), and the owner who might have been in her 80s and was a very strict orthodox Jew, I think originally from Ukraine. She could communicate with the Polish lady through their Slavic languages, which were similar enough, but she also spoke fluent Yiddish. Sometimes I could make out a bit it when she used it visiting with a guest. One time I got chided (granted in a very gentle way) for listening to music on the Sabbath. I hadn't known about that rule, I guess. She taught me how to make Farfel Pudding... oh, and guess what? Here it is! What do you know... Surprise, surprise...

***

Mrs. Apple's Farfel Pudding

3 c. Manischewitz Matzo farfel
1 qt. boiling water
1 1/2 lemons, grated rind & juice
2 eggs
1/2 c. sugar
1 t. salt
3 T. chicken fat or butter (peanut oil)

Pour boiling water over farfel; let soak for 10 min., then drain off excess water. Add lemon juice & grated rind, beaten eggs, sugar, salt and fat. Mix well, put into greased baking dish & bake for 2 hours in moderate oven (325 degrees F). Serve with raisin sauce.

(apples, bananas & prunes are good in it) <- That's how I have it written on my 3x5 card. Mix these in before putting the pudding in the oven.

***

If you can't find Matzo farfel, you might have to wait till Passover time next year for it to appear on grocery store shelves. Sorry that my timing is off on that score, but I'm not waiting that long to write my autobiography.

~ Meg

28. Photo Journal (with Commentary)

One of the main reasons I have to jump around quite a bit chronologically is to be able to provide examples of certain things span various periods in my life. But as we move closer to a more detailed analysis of what happened in Vienna, Austria, I'm going to have to make sure I have all my ducks in a row and have covered the major things that need addressing as a lead up to that period.

But for this post, I'd like to present some photos that correspond with things we've already discusses. After all, on the Internet, I could just be anyone and how do you know this isn't all made up unless I provide some evidence to the contrary. And even if it wasn't on the Internet, you may or may not believe me then either. That's a lot of why I began these posts with a couple of major pieces of evidence to increase my credibility and also to hopefully convince you that I might be worth listening to and might have something worthwhile to say. But at this point in the game I confess that I'm getting a little nervous because it's risky for me to be so open about some things.

But for now, let's focus on these photos I've picked out from my modest collection.

***
Pictures 1 & 2: Summer 1980



These two pictures were taken the first summer I began my intermittent work with Soviet emigres.

The first photograph was taken on an evening program we put together which included music, preaching and a skit. Here we are dramatizing the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:23-35), which describes a scene in which a lord asked repayment of debts from servants who owed him. In this process, one beseeches the master to hold off and he will pay him back, and, being moved, the master lets him go. But in turn, the forgiven servant goes asking repayment from those who owe him money. When of of his debtors similarly begs forbearance of him, however, he denies him his request and has him sent to prison. When the master hears this he calls his servant to him and reneges on his earlier kindness and has him punished for nonpayment of the debt. The message is that if we are forgiven, we should turn around and likewise forgive your offenders. I'm the one in the yellow t-shirt.

The second photo was taken on a retreat that we put on for the emigrants. Here we are in a group photo. I'm sitting down at the end on the left.

We did a lot of other things, including leading English classes, helping with material needs as we were able, providing a Russian library they could borrow books from, having Russian vacation Bible school, and the like.

That summer I was full-time, if only for the summer, but later on when I lived and went to school there I also helped out as I could, such as manning the emigrant center once a week in the morning and doing some visitation.

***

Pictures 3 & 4: Sept. 1981, France



These pictures were taken during the ten-days I was a delegate with the Seattle-Nantes Sister City exchange.

The man in the front on the left in the first picture is Mr. Noyes, the one who physicist who worked with my father. He is taking with Lise, who is from Seattle, but worked in the sister city office in Nantes; she was also the one who picked me up the first night when I came in so late after that timing mix-up with the trains that I mentioned in an earlier post. Even though I was very wiped out after the long trip and short night sleep I still arrived in time for the official welcoming of the group by the mayor at city hall the next morning at 9 a.m. prompt, and there's a newspaper photo of the group from that morning which I should have somewhere.

The woman to the right who looks like she's talking was the mistress of the family who I stayed with after the first night. She came on several of the excursions with us as she was available to do so. They had 3 lovely children, and I remember meeting them for the first time the next morning (we had a long day and the kids were in bed by the time I got there in the evening) and they were all ready for school and lined up to meet me. They were very sweet kids.

The second picture was taken on one of our excursions, this one to the salt marshes where the famous "fleur de sel" is harvested. If you're unfamiliar with that salt, you can read with David Lebovitz has to say about it here: http://www.davidlebovitz.com/archives/2006/09/fleur_de_sel_de_1.html.

We really were taken on some wonderful excursion and treated to some fabulous food (and wine) while on that exchange. The mayor of Seattle was supposed to be with us, but the election was in November, and so he felt he had to attend more to campaigning.

***

Pictures 5 & 6: Oct. 1981, Klender Dijk Park, Holland



When S., the Italian gal in our group and I went to Amsterdam on one of our long weekend breaks from studying in Belgium, we took a day trip to this windmill park, which includes trails and historic village-type buildings. (I really like those outdoor museums!). We didn't stick together as a group once the bus brought us there, and in the second picture here you see S. on a bridge over a canal as we wandered around the park.

I don't know what S. would think if she saw these pictures, because her major was photography and she had some lovely photos.

***

Pictures 7 & 8: Oct. 1981, Madrid



The top picture here is of the 4 of us (I'm in the back on the left) at a restaurant in Madrid that we found and liked so much that we went back to it. Not only was the food wonderful, but with the strong dollar we got a full meal, with appetizers and dessert and wine for about $5!

Then in the second picture we were sort of given special attention and the musicians singled us out and played for us which was kind of fun too. It felt like a real local place that Spaniards frequented, rather than a tourist spot, which was an extra draw for us too.

***

Pictures 9 & 10, Nov. 1981, Stockholm & Copenhagen



After our group settled down for another month of study, this time in Germany, we once again took advantage of the long weekends to travel around. This trip to Stockholm was the longest trip I took on a weekend break, but the weather was gray in Stockholm, so I didn't want to show you my dismal outdoor museum pictures from there. You'll just have to trust me that this picture of my exchange student friend was taken in Stockholm. We had train transfers in Copenhagen which gave a little time to explore around, and you'll probably recognized this famous mermaid statue from the harbor there.

***

Pictures 11 & 12, Summer, 1983, Austria



These pictures were taken the summer I was on a short-term summer ministry, stationed in Vienna. Specifically, these two were from my work in the refugee camp at Bad Kreuzen. Austria had set up dorm-type apartments for refugees from all over, but many from Eastern Europe at that time. Hungarians, Poles and Czechs were amongst those we spent time with. We did a lot of different things while there including just chatting or going mushroom picking in the woods around the town. But we also had Bible studies and children's groups and helped with language learning and the like. We were always careful to time our visits after the meal times, because otherwise they were likely to give us the lion's share of their food out of their generosity.

The top picture is taken of me and a Hungarian women we visited a lot when I was with the refugee camp team. While each of the people in the refugee camps had various claims for requesting refugee status, this woman had a somewhat unique situation because she had to colored children, and because of that she wasn't well accepted.

On the week's we were at the refugee camp we actually lived in another nearby town in a gasthaus where our room and board were both provided. As we were preparing to leave for the summer our hausfrau, the woman that ran the house, gifted us a bottle of wine, which you see in this photo. I kept in touch for a long time with a bunch of people from that summer, including some of the people on our refugee team (and also some of the refugees we worked with).

***

I hope you understand that I'm not just showing you these pictures just for the heck of it, but to let you get to know me more and to give you some more evidence to back my words so that hopefully my credibility will be built up as I continue on. I don't exactly have concrete evidence for every little thing I say, so I have to at least show you that my story is reasonably credible.

These pictures show fun times and fun things, but not everything along the way has been so pleasant.