I'm just 52 but because of my health I have limitations more like someone in their 70s or even older. It's difficult to realize you can't do things you used to do. Sunday I led the prayer and praise time at church and because of my compromised cognitive faculties it was difficult for me. I used to teach and so thinking on my feet was an every day thing, but I just couldn't get beyond thinking in pretty concrete terms and I think I rambled too. So I think I better stick with things I can plan ahead for and not have surprises and have to deal with ad hoc things.
This is a combination of the fibromyalgia and the migraine, I think, that are having this affect, and this has been tested as a fibromyalgia symptom of mine.
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The other news is some correspondence I've had with a cousin. My family - my two brothers and I - are just falling apart. I think my brothers will sort of stick together and I'll end out alone. However, my brothers won't like me being alone because they need me as bait to help them look attractive to other women. They want other women to see how they are with women, and I'd be the exemplar. Only I don't want to be that exemplar because I don't like their attitude towards and treatment of women (only I can't tell them that because then we'd get in a huge argument where they'd end out looking lily white through some magic slight of hand or the other, and I'd end out looking some sort of bad (i.e., bad, crazy, deceitful, etc.).
It really hurts to see my brothers the way I understand they are, but I can't do anything but pray for them.
The one brother who was the caretaker of mom, being geographically close to her (my other brother and I were thousands of miles away), is so angry but hides it except to those he feels closest too - so most people don't know about it. And he's manipulative as all get out. He knows where he has an advantage in the family and he works it for all it's worth to get what he wants. And he withholds things too to make sure it's clear who is the boss and who has the power. He's wicked. I told him, for example, that I want the steak knives that go with mom's sharp knives since I let him have the good china and the silver both. He knows I want those and we're not talking real expensive items either, but something that might have meaning. But he's withholding them, why? At the time he said that I "Already got too much." It's just a game as far as I'm concerned. And I'm putting together a family heritage cookbook and he won't even help me with it by 1) identifying some names on recent recipe cards 2) letting me add recipes from the slowcooker cookbooks that he wanted and 3) letting me see if there are any quotes I could use from mom's Bible that he has. This heirloom cookbook is for everyone and it's ridiculous to not be willing to work with me on this, but then they don't really want me to do a good job on it anyway - they would really like it to be a half-baked job so that they could make a mockery of it. In which case, why bother? That brother is the one whose anger was abusive to my mother, basically driving her to suicide.
The other brother is stuck in a small town that is his ex-wife's territory and where he'll always be a foreigner, so I don't envy him there, but he's stuck there while his kids are underage and he's tied to his business. That brother is very controlling, and he has a history of physical abuse of his children, also, including the one with muscular dystrophy.
My brothers will probably visit each other, but if the one brother shows his anger much, I'm now sure how well that's going to go over with the other brother, because he's going to want to protect his sons. His anger isn't anything compared to our other brother. They could get in their mind they want to come down to see me, but I'm not going to allow that. And the thing is that there's a guard station here at the condo complex so I could always disallow them to come in anyway. The guard would call me and say that they were at the gate and should they be allowed in and I'd say "No" and the guard would send them away.
If I went to my hometown I might let my brother there know at some point and agree to meet with him there, maybe for lunch or something. I woudn't stay with him though.
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The other health thing is that my g.i. system is not working at all. So I had to use my electrolyte refill prescription - that's the stuff you drink before a colonoscopy. Pretty drastic stuff! The last few days I've used heat, massage, enema every known trick under the sun besides everything and all the meds and supplements I already use... and nothing is working. So I need to make an appointment with the g.i. doctor. The thing is that whenever he does tests he never finds anything and it always ends out being neurological - from the spinal stenosis. This, of course, is not a good thing, but I need to verify it with the g.i. doctor.
You know what though? It's because of all these health issues that I don't work and I was having so many problems with jobs here in the USA... (and I was concerned about poor career advancement possibilities in Russia! HAH! At least I had steady work in my field!)... So now I'm freed up to write my autobiography instead! Wheee! : Feel crummy > No work > Write autobiography
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The next program of research in the text is:
"Corporate Culture: Culture as an Internal Variable"
"A second major way that culture and organization are linked is that used by researchers who recognize that organizations are themselves culture-producing phenomena... Organizatinos are seen as social instruments that produce goods and services, and, as a by-product, they also produce distinctive cultural artifacts such as rituals, legends, and ceremonies." (p. 344)
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"Research with this conception of culture is generally based on a systems theory framework. As such, it is concerned with articulating patterns of contingent relationships among collections of variables that appear to figure in organizational survival. Heretofore, typical variables considered in this research tradition were structure, size, technology, and leadership patterns." (p. 344)I think systems theory is fascinating, although I don't know as much about it as I'd like. It can be very useful in program evaluation. But here we have researchers trying to understand organizations using a systems approach to try to pick up nuances of culture. Doing it that way you'd pick up culture with a small "c" and I'm not sure how well systems theory is at picking up some of the nontangible aspects of culture, like attitudes and beliefs, so it would have its limits
As to the "organizational survival" issue, I thinjk I can say a few words about that too. If you think about it, there are a bunch of nondenominational missions, more or less like that one in Vienna that have been around a long time. Have they thought in terms or "organizational survival"? Do they plan and make desicions based on organizational survival? Is that a biblical mandate? Is that something they should be striving for? What if God doesn't really particularly want a bunch of stuffy old missions hanging around for decade upon decade?
In any case, it is certain that since the Vienna mission had taken mega big-time security precautions it seems pausible that there maybe have been some concern for "organizational survival," although there were other concerns as well resulting in the security precautions.
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"Culture is usually defined as social or normative glue that holds an organization together... It expresses the values or social ideals and the beliefs that organization members come to share... These values or patterns of belief are manifested by symbolic devices such as myths... rituals stories..., and specialized language..." (p. 344)
This does make sense, and if it is true, then it's fairly easy to see why I couldn't have lasted with the mission - because I didn't have the "glue" that would hold me to the group. That is, I didn't share significant aspects of the values and beliefs of the group. And if it's true that these types of values, ideals, beliefs, etc. generally become manifested by symbolic devices as described in the text, then it's no wonder that I was confused so much of the time about what was going on!
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"Culture, conceived as shared key values and beliefs, fulfills several functions. First, it conveys a sense identity for organization members... Second, it facilitates the generation of commitment to something larger than the self... Third, culture enhances social system stability... And fourth, culture serves as a sense-making device that can guide and shape behavior." (p. 345-346)
This really sums up a lot and from this perspective it looks so easy. I think I realized that by rejecting part of the value system I couldn't identify with the other members. I might not have been able to say it in so many words, and I did still socialize with them. But there was a growing wall between us.
I think for those who did come to share the values and beliefs of the mission their focus generally grew to be more on how to please the mission.
The culture would have played an important role in "social system stability", which would have been crucial for security concerns, especially. And every time a new worker would come they'd have to go through the on-the-job training experience again, so they'd need the system to be as stable as possible.
The fourth function irks me. I rather rebel against that kind of thing. I'm not that crazy about anyone "guiding and shaping my behavior. If I get a whiff of someone trying to to "guide and shape my behavior," especially surreptitiously, I want to know what's going on. I think that generally I'm pretty amenable to reasonable requests (and even demands), but if there is something potentially unreasonable they want from me I don't want someone uning underhanded ways to trying to go about getting it out of me. And if they think I'm going to be an easy study, they might want to think again. My kind unassuming exterior belies my intelligent and strong interior. Try me.
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"Overall, the research agenda arising from the view that culture is an organizational variable is how to mold and shape internal culture in particular and how to change culture, consistent with managerial purposes.." (p. 346)
This was published in 1983, a few short years before I was in Vienna and before I faced the U.S. military chaplian/Vienna mission H.R. director that fateful day that ended out sending me back to the States for a few months just 5 months after I'd arrived in Vienna. To refresh your memory about that meeting I must give you some background:
1. I spent 4 months in Europe in 1981-2 including some time on my own as well as serving as a citizen delegate on a sister-city exchange, and on a study abroad program.
2. I spend 6 months in Europe in 1983 including: on a summer ministry, spending a week visiting a ministry I was interested in, studying Germin in Berlin (and volunteering several times a week at the Betheldiakonewerke, and visiting and making friends several times at a Lutheran seminary in East Berlin, etc.), and volunteering 6 weeks at the Society for the Study of Religion under Communism (aka Keston College) in England.
3. I was attending an Austrian church in Vienna and doing just fine at the church
4. I was not given any serious work to do at the mission, but the first couple months I was given software manuals to read when before I had come to Vienna I had offered to take a computer course if they'd tell me what software I would be using and they refused to tell me saying I could learn when I arrived.
5. Contrary to the policy manual they wouldn't let me take my allotted months (1 month per pledged year of service) German upon arrival, saying there was too much work to do (!!).
There's a lot more I'm not telling you here but the gist of the matter is that I was facing a lot of stress, but it was not from being in Vienna, but it was from the mission. I got along just fine in Vienna, to church, shopping, even signing up for classes by myself at the volkshochschule (a kind of adult school) and ordering a desk from Ikea when someone told me where it was. Austria was not the problem the mission was.
So enter the H.R. director, and he has this handy dandy article with charts and everything showing how one has culture shock at certain months and so he diagnosed me right then and there with culture shock. But if I had culture shock it was culture shock of the mission's culture not of Austria's culture.
But what does this have to do with the text? I need to get back to the text.
The thing is that it seems as if the mission leadership might have all been reading this text, this paragraph with great eagerness and just waiting with baited breath for the research to come out that might help guide them in creating the most effective culture for their needs, because they somehow saw how culture was vital for their work, for their purposes. So it's very possible that my boss and his boss and some of the board of director read some of these articles...
... except, it would seem, the H. R. director. I say that because If he had read these he would have known that it was not the Austrian culture that was the problem but the mission! But he didn't know! So somehow he didn't have the same awareness of organizational culture as the others in the administration and he thought the problems I was facing was culture shock as in the usual adaptation in a move to a new country.
However, it does seem a little strange that an H.R. director wouldn't know about organizational culture, but you have to remember that at the mission we didn't have the usual orientation process that you might think an H.R. department would organization, and which would include elements of organizational culture.
***
I'm sorry this took so long to get out. I actually wrote it over several days. I've had a lot going on and a few health issues as well as some things sort of bringing up family things again. Overall my lumbar stenosis (basically the whole lumbar is one big mild to moderate stenosis), is getting worse.
My cousin told me more details about my brother's anger but she thinks we should all (me and my brothers) be all re-united sometime - even though she think they have such low view of women. I don'd want to be re-united with them and have them think that I condone that and have them care for me in my old age. But I don't have anyone. I need to find someone to be my 1) living will designee, 2) executor, and 3) benefactor (for various things).
It just kills me to think mom put up with my brother's abuse and she would have received a lot more respect from me but everone was afraid that I'd take all her money, which makes me mad and I want to just let them all go their own way if that's what they think of me. My cousing made a jab sort of along those lines too when I showed her my calender in case my brothers are saying I'm just going to the beach all day (which mom said once and I think she was just parroting them) and she responded that it was fortunate that I had enough money to affort such good care (my cousing said that). So I corrected her that since I'm on disability (SSDI) I have medicare (a medicare advantage plan) and medicaid (for being "medically needy" - i.e., being on SSDI), so I don't have to pay that much, but I do have to shop around to find providers that take my insurance.
With friends like that who needs enemies? Well, the thing is that dad is the one who defined who I was for the family from the time I went to Vienna, and ultimately I think that came from him. At any rate, it didn't from that cousin. I suspect she heart it from my brother there - the one that was abusive to my mom.
