It's hard for me to return to talking about the past when so much is happening in the present! I'm still here at my same address, though (i.e., I haven't moved yet). That's for the most part because I'm still waiting for the bank to decide whether they'll accept my offer (it's for a "short sale," which - for those not versed in U.S. real estate lingo - is a sale of a property with a for less than the going market rate. The bank holding the mortgage has to decide whether it will accept the offer from a potential buyer. In my case, I offered the amount the seller - representatives handling the estate of the now deceased owner - presented as being "pre-authorized" by the bank holding the mortgage. However, I eventually learned that this sale amount wasn't "pre-authorized" in the usual formal sense of the word. Rather, it was the amount that the bank had counter-offered to a potential buyer not long before I came on the scene, so the estate handlers sort of assumed that this amount was "pre-authorized".
Anyway, I've been continuing to work on getting the condo set up, and in any case, I'm going to buy a condo at this complex, whether it's this unit or not. But other than that, my health has provided more fodder for news and excitement than I like. This isn't a case where "no news is good news" can be used. That is, the fact that I haven't written here does not mean that I have nothing of interest to write. Au contraire! No, since the last time I wrote to you I've been in e.r. twice (after consulting with my doctors' and health insurance's after-hours services. And, I've been admitted likewise twice into the hospital. However, they still haven't determined with great certainty what is causing my symptoms. O, yeah, and I also have been walking with a walker since my last week-long hospital stay. And the walker is a whole story in itself!
***
The story of the walker goes like this: on my 5th day in the hospital last time a nurse told me she thought my trouble walking was because I wasn't up and walking around enough. Huh? Armed with that stupidity in mind, I vowed to get up and walk around after having my shower (which I had to take sitting on the floor of the bath tub because their rules disallowed either taking a bath (there was not plug for the drain) or sitting on a chair in the shower and I wasn't stable enough to risk standing to take a shower.
This was mid evening. So true to my word, after the shower I made myself presentable (by hospital standards, which means mostly wearing a bath robe in order to be properly covered up and not displaying ones backside, wear the hospital gown ties up. I should mention that the entire time in the hospital when a physical therapist came s/he'd bring a walker and go with me walking up and down the hall a bit, but then take the walker away when the session ended. So I was left to my own devices when it came to walking in the absence of a physical therapist. So walking after my shower meant trying to walk without the aid of a walker. So I got by by holding on the rail along the hall. I reached a corner in the hallway - like a T-intersection where you have to decide whether to go right or left because straight ahead is not an option - I looked both ways and who should I meet but my rheumatologist! He was doing something at a computer in the hallway maybe 20 feet or so away from me. I had missed an appointment with him because of being in the hospital and had asked for a consult with him. He didn't recognize me at first, which isn't that surprising since he'd never seen me in my bathroom and with my head wrapped up in a towel turban-style. After I told him my name he cam over and I told him why I was walking around - what the nurse had said, and he agreed that my trouble walking was not because of muscular weakness due to lack of use (of the muscle(s)). He also offered to write a prescription for a walker for me.
The next morning I asked the nurse about the walker, and she acknowledged having seen the script for the walker in my chart but told me that I wouldn't be given the walker until discharge from the hospital. So based on this information I didn't ask about it again until I was being discharged.
Upon learning I was being discharged I had to arrange for follow up appointments for the following week, figure out how I was getting home (I'd come via ambulance), and otherwise go through the usual discharge routine. However, this was being done by nurses at the same time they were taking care of their other patients too. So somewhere in there I inquired about the promised walker... only to learn that there evidently wasn't a script for it. I insisted that there was a script and the nurse checked and double checked, and it wasn't in my records. So then the nurse said that the doctor would have to physically come in to sign the script. I told them that my rheumatologist had already written the script, and I was told that he wasn't my doctor while in the hospital (?!). I eventually understood that the script had either been either intentionally taken out of my records or accidentally misplaced. I said I wouldn't leave without the walker so I had to say another night. The next morning I was told the script was signed and I'd get the walker Monday at home. Satisfied with that (oh foolish me!), I agreed to be discharged.
Upon arrival at home my neighbor lent me her walker on the assumption that it would be only 2 days, until Monday. I waited... and waited... finally by Tuesday mid-day with no word about the phantom walker I was to receive, I called my doctor's office, the rheumatologist and also my primary care doctor, and I also mentioned it to the neurosurgeon, whom I saw on Monday. So at that point both the rheumatologist and neurosurgeon were working on the walker, but my primary care seemed to be AWOL (absent without leave, a military crime worthy of court martial). Finally, by Thursday I got a call from a company arranging to bring me a walker. The next day someone else came by with a walker, which I did not accept. It turns out that that second walker was from the rheumatologist, so I guess I got the walker the neurosurgeon prescribed. Anyway, I'm still walking with a walker, although the physical therapist is helping me and sometimes I'm able to use just a cane.
***
And this brings me to another point... when I was discharged from the hospital I was sent home with a script for physical therapy at home and a home health aid. A nurse comes by from time to time too.
And what are my symptoms? It quite possibly might be easier to answer that are NOT my symptoms, but I'll try my best to answer what ARE my symptoms: weakness and poor control in the legs, tingling and sometimes pain in my feet, cold feet, poor balance, acting up of my autoimmune allergic reaction (specifically redness in the upper chest and facial swelling), tingling in the face accompanied by fatigue, pain in the mid back and also in the gut, g.i. system slow down/malfunction, loss of feeling in my feet (not good for driving a stick shift/automatic transmission car). So now I have increased medications, have dizziness excercises tacked on to my usual heath routine, have to keep my legs elevated to minimize foot pain, tingling and lack of sensation, have to pay more attention to my g.i. system, etc., etc.
***
At the same time I'm working on getting set up in the new condo and hoping against hope that my general contractor is honest, because I just can't deal with problems on that front on top of everything else. But now I'm living in a personal canyon of boxes in my dinky little apartment. Part of the boxes are from packing up, but a good chunk of them are things I've ordered for the new apartment when I find things I've liked at good prices. I'm having to be my own interior decorator, because even if I could afford an interior decorator, noone will work for you until you own the place. But knowing my health I feel like I have to do as much as I can while I'm reasonably able, because I never know when my health will "head south" as they say (i.e., worsen). And, as a bit of insurance against contractor problems, I'm buying most of the things that they have to install. But things are starting to slow down regarding condo set up, at least as far as what can be done before I actually own the unit.
I must say, however, that my health and the condo prep has been a good diversion from thinking about mom and family. There's no getting around the idea that she's happier where she is now (from a Christian standpoint), but it's hard to deal with all the suffering she'd gone through prior to her death. Lately I've thought about it a bit as things otherwise slow down for me some.
***
Here's the real trigger to my writing today, though. I got a call from a cousin, who's a Christian and has spent some time with mom and my brother in recent years, after dad's death 5 years ago in particular. She called yesterday to ask my forgiveness for her not believing me about my concerns about how my brother there was treating mom. It turns out that since mom's death she's seen the angry side of him that she hadn't seen before, and now one of this cousin's brothers (who isn't a Christian) doesn't want anything to do with my brother because of his anger.
In these kinds of things it's not really appropriate to gloat about being right, because it would be better if I hadn't have been right, and mom's the one that suffered. I've told you here how I've been stymied at ways to help mom, but that mom and dad had things set up so that my influence in family matters was negligible, but my brothers played a major role also in making sure things were set up that way. Still, I'm sorry that mom had to suffer in this way - from my brother. But I hope that you will also see that people eventually come to recognize that I'm right in many of my interpretations of events and people. While it would probably be foolish to claim to be right all the time, I hope you can see that at the very least my perspectives on things probably should not be dismissed lightly. My family had build up an informal mechanism for keeping family issues secret and this mechanism could even fool people close to them, but I saw it for something otherwise (than what they wanted people to believe) and stuck to my beliefs with the conviction that I had enough to go on that I was convinced I was right. One other thing you can learn about me from this is that I don't change convictions easily and also I'm not afraid of going against the flow in my thinking.
It's hard, really, to deal with getting this confirmation that mom was abused by my brother (emotionally and verbally if not physically). The fact that I did as much as I could to try to help maybe alleviates any guilt feeling I might have, but it doesn't help the sorrow of this confirmation that she experienced this kind of treatment. You can see from other things I've written here that my relationship with mom has sometimes been rocky, but in all actuality, I think the ultimate cause of this goes back to the men in our family and the fact that mom was so dependent on them and they were so "persuasive" in affecting her views on things.
In the weeks or couple months before mom's death she had told me that she and dad didn't know about the things I'm writing here. But the thing is that they couldn't have known because I didn't trust dad enough to tell them. If dad had found out I was thinking or experiencing these things he would have very convincingly dismissed them and mom would have believed him and disbelieved me. It would have been very difficult for me to write some of these things things when dad was still alive.
***
I still have a couple more things I need to get done before I return to this blog in full force.
***
P.S. I got to thinking that there is one time when I messed up when I might have been able to maybe help mom. That was when I was living in New York and my brother and mom came out to visit me and my other brother and his boys (mom and brother in Pacific N.W. and other brother with his boys in New England; I was living in an apartment owned by my brother in New England, since I'd lost my second job for health reasons.
The scenario was that I hadn't had a holiday with the family in years so I went overboard on preparations. I should have spent more time with mom, but the thing is that after she left from that visit things would be exactly like they were before and it wasn't like she was going to start let me help her apart from my brothers' efforts. So these kinds of things felt to me manipulative ways to try to sort of suck me into the family "game playing" (in the socio-psychological sense of the term; other members of the family would undoubtedly deny there was any "game playing" going on). The last thing anyone in my family was ever going to do was let me have independent relations with mom. While dad was alive, he could maintain direct relations with me because he was astute at some of the familial issues and had clout enough to keep the upper hand. In any regard, no one in the family but me had any realistic potential of countering him. Dad, for example, was where the buck stopped as far as framing (of issues, individuals, events, etc.) went. I was the only one who questioned him with any conviction. I think I was able to do this because of things I'd experienced apart from the family, but also because of certain knowledge I'd gained and also because of my personality. My experiences independent from the family led to independence of judgement and change in some of my values and opinions. Under the purview of my family it would have been more difficult to come to these divergent perspectives, so the geographic and attitudinal distance combined with certain personality traits provided the opportunity to diverge from our family mindset. One of the personality traits that allowed me this opportunity was that of being independent in nature, which dad blamed for my problems in Vienna with the mission. I will remind you, however, that independent of thought is a well-known American value, which Alexis de Tocqueville in his famous book "Democracy in America" noted in the 19th century. Americans valued independence so much that they speer-headed the unfettered free trade movement in the 20th century. I mean the kind of free trade that is unencumbered with legal limitations and lets the market go where it will. Let's just say that I'm the embodiment of that value and Americans should recognize me as their true child that I am, independent spirit and all. (I hope you understand I'm speaking tongue in cheek here.) And dad, who was quite politicized, held to republican hands-off rule, where the rights individuals and businesses aren't encroached upon by big government. In other words, he valued independence... except, it would appear, in me. Or maybe it wasn't so much that I was the problem as it was that there were limitations to his valuing of independence and I fit into one of these exceptions to the right-of-freedom belief. Or possibly, he was just acknowledging how in reality things worked, but in any case, I felt that he agreed with the limitations of freedom thrust on me (by the mission in Vienna, etc.), so my independence in this particular situation was out of line, and those attempting to limit my independence were right in limiting me. In this case, however, one must try to disentangle what was independence acceptable and when wasn't it, or what kind of independence was acceptable and what kind wasn't.
Anyway, this is all to say that I might have helped mom during her visit to New England, when I was living there. But since I wasn't going to join in the family relations as they were, this help would just have been a short-lived event, until they returned back home and my brother there would once again be the one to come between me and any help mom might get. The only way my help could have been more enduring would have been if she would have stepped in so that I could on an ongoing basis have direct access to her to help her. That wasn't going to happen, because doing this was beyond what she could accept emotionally. Giving me that kind of access to her would be tacitly (if not actively) acknowledging that our family was something other than idyllic.
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
271. Burned Out Reprieve
It never rains but it pours, right? So much has happened in my life since I began this blog, that it's hard to believe, but that's how my life has been for most of my adult life, although the issues change.
I still have the Organizational Behavior file open to where I left off here, but I'm still doing things related to mom's death, trying to find a condo... and my lumbar is getting worse on top of it. This will be my third spinal stenosis since 2008, and I suspect it's going to be another diskectomy and fusion. Dare I repeat the question about how long it will take for my whole spine to end out in one big fusion? Nah... I can't deal with that. Still, it sort of sits in the back of my head.
Currently I'm up to 400 mg of tramadol a day for my back pain (I also have lesser pain in my legs and feet), I'm having gradually increasing problems with my legs and walking, and my gastro-intestinal system is also taking a hit. Last Thursday evening my g.i. doctor had me drink the stuff that you drink before having a colonoscopy, so you can tell how bad it might be getting. And that isn't helping my mid-section pain any either.
Last Saturday I was pretty nauseous and had to increase one of my meds that helps with that kind of thing, so I didn't make it to church Sunday. I'm expecting that it might be hard to do much extra beyond what I absolutely have to do until the back problem is fixed.
I had an MRI of the lumbar today and I see the pain specialist next week in follow up. If he determines I might need surgery he'll send me back to the neurosurgeon. I can't get in to the g.i. doctor for a month, but at least he's gotten back to me and helped with instructions and gotten me prescriptions. The rheumatologist is checking me out for psoriatic arthritis and sent me to the dermatologist for another skin biopsy (the first one only showed inflammation and the like), and this one the dermatologist thought could be not psoriasis, but basal cell carcinoma (i.e., skin cancer). And since I'm on my third stenosis, I figured maybe it was about time to get the opinion of a orthopaedist, so I see him Friday.
I hope you can appreciate how I might be burned out and not ready to return my focus to this blog. It seems my whole life is turned upside down, in that my home is in limbo, my health is on the fritz (again) and my family is being greatly reconfigured with the death of our last parent.
Most of my attention has been on the condo, since at least the doctors are mostly lined up so I don't have to scramble in that regard like I have in the recent past. But I also know from experience that at some point here I'm not going to be able to do any condo searching because of my health. As it is I have been instructed by my primary care doctor for a month now not to do any lifting, which, as you can guess, might hamper moving preparations. So I feel somewhat of an urgency to try to find something, although I don't expect to be able to actually move until after the surgery (which I assume is in the pipeline).
With all these crises of various stripes I'm not quite up to facing my Vienna experiences head on at the moment, so I hope you will grant me some leniency in this regard. Thanks for your interest.
I still have the Organizational Behavior file open to where I left off here, but I'm still doing things related to mom's death, trying to find a condo... and my lumbar is getting worse on top of it. This will be my third spinal stenosis since 2008, and I suspect it's going to be another diskectomy and fusion. Dare I repeat the question about how long it will take for my whole spine to end out in one big fusion? Nah... I can't deal with that. Still, it sort of sits in the back of my head.
Currently I'm up to 400 mg of tramadol a day for my back pain (I also have lesser pain in my legs and feet), I'm having gradually increasing problems with my legs and walking, and my gastro-intestinal system is also taking a hit. Last Thursday evening my g.i. doctor had me drink the stuff that you drink before having a colonoscopy, so you can tell how bad it might be getting. And that isn't helping my mid-section pain any either.
Last Saturday I was pretty nauseous and had to increase one of my meds that helps with that kind of thing, so I didn't make it to church Sunday. I'm expecting that it might be hard to do much extra beyond what I absolutely have to do until the back problem is fixed.
I had an MRI of the lumbar today and I see the pain specialist next week in follow up. If he determines I might need surgery he'll send me back to the neurosurgeon. I can't get in to the g.i. doctor for a month, but at least he's gotten back to me and helped with instructions and gotten me prescriptions. The rheumatologist is checking me out for psoriatic arthritis and sent me to the dermatologist for another skin biopsy (the first one only showed inflammation and the like), and this one the dermatologist thought could be not psoriasis, but basal cell carcinoma (i.e., skin cancer). And since I'm on my third stenosis, I figured maybe it was about time to get the opinion of a orthopaedist, so I see him Friday.
I hope you can appreciate how I might be burned out and not ready to return my focus to this blog. It seems my whole life is turned upside down, in that my home is in limbo, my health is on the fritz (again) and my family is being greatly reconfigured with the death of our last parent.
Most of my attention has been on the condo, since at least the doctors are mostly lined up so I don't have to scramble in that regard like I have in the recent past. But I also know from experience that at some point here I'm not going to be able to do any condo searching because of my health. As it is I have been instructed by my primary care doctor for a month now not to do any lifting, which, as you can guess, might hamper moving preparations. So I feel somewhat of an urgency to try to find something, although I don't expect to be able to actually move until after the surgery (which I assume is in the pipeline).
With all these crises of various stripes I'm not quite up to facing my Vienna experiences head on at the moment, so I hope you will grant me some leniency in this regard. Thanks for your interest.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
269. Still Reprieve
I haven't forgotten this blog - it's just that I've been very busy. And Sunday my legs took a turn for the worse, which is in addition to Thursday night my autoimmune rash on my neck started getting worse again too. So I've been talking to and seeing doctors. Today my new dermatologist took a biopsy of the skin on the neck. And I was on the phone today with the physician's assistant for the neurosurgeon; I see the neurosurgeon next week. Yesterday while I was at BJ's (one of those box-store warehouse membership stores) when I felt the problem getting worse with my legs and it's continued through today too.
Then I've been still working on buying a condo, and tomorrow I'm going out with a realtor to see a bunch of places we've found that seem to meet all my basic criteria and otherwise look reasonably interesting. At this point I'm thinking that even if I bought something this week it's very likely that I might not actually be able to move until after a very likely lumbar surgery (I'm speaking from personal experience here, having had two spinal diskectomies and fusions already since 2008). When I was at BJ's yesterday, though, I very fortuitously found whole boxes of reasonably size and good quality to take home with me. I could have taken more I think, but at least it's a start and I can start sort of packing things up as I'm able. I can't do lifting though, so I won't be working on things like books at this point. I'm also hoping I can get a reasonable enough condo that I really like so that I will have enough money left over to do some of the things I want to fix it up.
I was supposed to spend Sunday afternoon with a friend, but she had to leave town on business, so I just kept myself busy, not wanting to think about it being Mother's Day. Saturday I got the rest of the funeral home notices that my brother in Seattle sent me, so yesterday I got them all in the mail, including a packet of other things too for a good friend of mom's husband (her friend died about a year ago), and also I sent the gift I'd gotten for mom for Mother's Day to the couple who let me stay with them while I was in Seattle for the funeral.
Meanwhile, I'm not getting caught up on household things, although I did manage to vacuum the other day. It's going on 1:00 and I still have one more thing to iron, but I'm too tired and I have a full day of looking at condos tomorrow, so that will just have to wait.
Anyway, as soon as I get a breather I'll get back to the regular posts on the organizational behavioral file.
Then I've been still working on buying a condo, and tomorrow I'm going out with a realtor to see a bunch of places we've found that seem to meet all my basic criteria and otherwise look reasonably interesting. At this point I'm thinking that even if I bought something this week it's very likely that I might not actually be able to move until after a very likely lumbar surgery (I'm speaking from personal experience here, having had two spinal diskectomies and fusions already since 2008). When I was at BJ's yesterday, though, I very fortuitously found whole boxes of reasonably size and good quality to take home with me. I could have taken more I think, but at least it's a start and I can start sort of packing things up as I'm able. I can't do lifting though, so I won't be working on things like books at this point. I'm also hoping I can get a reasonable enough condo that I really like so that I will have enough money left over to do some of the things I want to fix it up.
I was supposed to spend Sunday afternoon with a friend, but she had to leave town on business, so I just kept myself busy, not wanting to think about it being Mother's Day. Saturday I got the rest of the funeral home notices that my brother in Seattle sent me, so yesterday I got them all in the mail, including a packet of other things too for a good friend of mom's husband (her friend died about a year ago), and also I sent the gift I'd gotten for mom for Mother's Day to the couple who let me stay with them while I was in Seattle for the funeral.
Meanwhile, I'm not getting caught up on household things, although I did manage to vacuum the other day. It's going on 1:00 and I still have one more thing to iron, but I'm too tired and I have a full day of looking at condos tomorrow, so that will just have to wait.
Anyway, as soon as I get a breather I'll get back to the regular posts on the organizational behavioral file.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
255. Returning Home
What a week! I was in Seattle a full week, but my other brother and his kids could only stay for 5 days. It was a very hectic 7 days, although my brothers handled the physical labor. Still, my mid-back pain has gotten worse and I had to call back to my doctors to try to get more pain medicine for it. So I'm back to taking more Tramadol, 5 mg pretty much every 4 hours. I've also had some numbness in my feet, which would be a neurological symptom and point towards the likelihood of my having another diskectomy in the not-too-distant future.
Anyway, the memorial service went well, as did the graveside. It's my job now to send notices to people who couldn't come to the memorial service, so I have all mom's address books for that purpose.
In one sense, mom's death isn't totally unexpected since she hadn't been well for some time, but none of us really expected it. It's better for her now, though, in heaven.
I think we were so busy just taking care of things that it still hasn't fully hit that she is gone. I'll pick up where I left in my text discussions in the next day or two though.
Anyway, the memorial service went well, as did the graveside. It's my job now to send notices to people who couldn't come to the memorial service, so I have all mom's address books for that purpose.
In one sense, mom's death isn't totally unexpected since she hadn't been well for some time, but none of us really expected it. It's better for her now, though, in heaven.
I think we were so busy just taking care of things that it still hasn't fully hit that she is gone. I'll pick up where I left in my text discussions in the next day or two though.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
254. Reprieve: Parents
I've been lying in bed and have hardly slept at although I guess I must have slept a little. But I've been thinking... there's so much going on to think about.
Before this happened with mom, her death, I mean, I was thinking about writing a post about more of my thoughts regarding my parents. I need to work on writing something up that could be the start of an obituary, though, but not right now.
The thing is that I'm still trying to make sense of my life, which is what this blog is all about, and there are some new thoughts that have come to me and some old ones that I haven't discussed here yet.
First, about dad. I got to thinking more about his title on his business card (post #12), which is "Program Planning and Control Manager." I think the "control" part could be security-related and as such, if this is so, could point to him having some intelligence-related responsibilities, at least enough to make sure his workers were all in line.
Another thing that hit me is when I was a teenager, once mom got recertified as a nurse (after about 12 or so years of being a stay-at-home mom) and started working part-time again, and she used to say how she was so much busier at her work than dad was. And dad used to play bridge with a group of others during lunch at work. So I'm thinking that this could have been some of the sort of security "clan culture" types of things going on that I experienced in Vienna. That is, such activities as bridge and "down times" were not as frivolous as they might have on the surface seemed; they served an important role in the scheme of things by way of "control".
Then I'd also been thinking about mom. I've wondered for years about how much she knew or didn't know regarding dad's work. She was pretty guileless, though, so it's quite possible she was naive to the significance of anything related to dad's work. But she used to go to dinners they had with dad's work, such as after winning a proposal, and she went down to Albequerque at least once with dad when he went on a business trip. It's hard for me not to compare what I experienced in Vienna with what might be going on related to dad's work. In Vienna, even if the women were not active in the ministry (although some occasionally took women's ministry trips), they had to know a lot of the security things, including how to keep their kids reined in, such as how to talk about their father's work and what they (the family) were doing in Vienna. So did mom have any of this kind of thing? Of course, dad's work and our family situation were quite a bit different than the Vienna mission. For example, we didn't have to "explain" what we were doing in Seattle. And Boeing was such a major employer in Seattle that kids especially wouldn't have thought anything about a parent working there... not like the Vienna mission which could have raised childish curiosity.
So I'd been thinking for a while about writing a post like this, but now, of course, it's all different after mom's death. Saturday I mailed off a little something for her for Easter. It was one of those big no-sweat glasses with her initial on it and some homemade chickpea chips I'd talked with her about on the phone. I filled the cup with the chickpeas. So what should I do with the glass now when it arrives in Seattle? Fill it with flowers and put it by the grave?
In a lot of ways it feels like mom was the last person alive that loved me. When I had my surgery in January she was the only one of the family that contacted me during that time, and she called repeatedly while I was in the hospital, especially when I was in so much pain because the nurses weren't giving me enough pain medicine. It really hurt, though, when she didn't even call me on my 50th birthday less then 2 months after the fiasco with my brother that landed me back down here.
Then I think back on the statement by a physicist who had worked under dad, who in 1981, on the sister-city trip to France he said I should have studied Italian instead of Russian - Italian is half my heritage on dad's side, and Ukrainian is half my heritage on mom's side. How much of my experiences and life can be explained because of the conflict with dad's work and my interests? And how much did mom know or understand?
Before this happened with mom, her death, I mean, I was thinking about writing a post about more of my thoughts regarding my parents. I need to work on writing something up that could be the start of an obituary, though, but not right now.
The thing is that I'm still trying to make sense of my life, which is what this blog is all about, and there are some new thoughts that have come to me and some old ones that I haven't discussed here yet.
First, about dad. I got to thinking more about his title on his business card (post #12), which is "Program Planning and Control Manager." I think the "control" part could be security-related and as such, if this is so, could point to him having some intelligence-related responsibilities, at least enough to make sure his workers were all in line.
Another thing that hit me is when I was a teenager, once mom got recertified as a nurse (after about 12 or so years of being a stay-at-home mom) and started working part-time again, and she used to say how she was so much busier at her work than dad was. And dad used to play bridge with a group of others during lunch at work. So I'm thinking that this could have been some of the sort of security "clan culture" types of things going on that I experienced in Vienna. That is, such activities as bridge and "down times" were not as frivolous as they might have on the surface seemed; they served an important role in the scheme of things by way of "control".
Then I'd also been thinking about mom. I've wondered for years about how much she knew or didn't know regarding dad's work. She was pretty guileless, though, so it's quite possible she was naive to the significance of anything related to dad's work. But she used to go to dinners they had with dad's work, such as after winning a proposal, and she went down to Albequerque at least once with dad when he went on a business trip. It's hard for me not to compare what I experienced in Vienna with what might be going on related to dad's work. In Vienna, even if the women were not active in the ministry (although some occasionally took women's ministry trips), they had to know a lot of the security things, including how to keep their kids reined in, such as how to talk about their father's work and what they (the family) were doing in Vienna. So did mom have any of this kind of thing? Of course, dad's work and our family situation were quite a bit different than the Vienna mission. For example, we didn't have to "explain" what we were doing in Seattle. And Boeing was such a major employer in Seattle that kids especially wouldn't have thought anything about a parent working there... not like the Vienna mission which could have raised childish curiosity.
So I'd been thinking for a while about writing a post like this, but now, of course, it's all different after mom's death. Saturday I mailed off a little something for her for Easter. It was one of those big no-sweat glasses with her initial on it and some homemade chickpea chips I'd talked with her about on the phone. I filled the cup with the chickpeas. So what should I do with the glass now when it arrives in Seattle? Fill it with flowers and put it by the grave?
In a lot of ways it feels like mom was the last person alive that loved me. When I had my surgery in January she was the only one of the family that contacted me during that time, and she called repeatedly while I was in the hospital, especially when I was in so much pain because the nurses weren't giving me enough pain medicine. It really hurt, though, when she didn't even call me on my 50th birthday less then 2 months after the fiasco with my brother that landed me back down here.
Then I think back on the statement by a physicist who had worked under dad, who in 1981, on the sister-city trip to France he said I should have studied Italian instead of Russian - Italian is half my heritage on dad's side, and Ukrainian is half my heritage on mom's side. How much of my experiences and life can be explained because of the conflict with dad's work and my interests? And how much did mom know or understand?
253. Reprieve: Mom Died Today
I'm going to be taking a break to take care of family business. I'm hoping to get one more "Page" uploaded though before I leave for Seattle tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
204. Socialization File, Pt. 86 (Roberts, pt. 3)
Last night I talked with mom about this blog (she doesn't understand computer things so it takes a bit to try to explain what a blog is and how it works). The thing though is that I don't know why I tell her things like this because she can flip back and forth on a dime to one day be supporting you and the next turn around and be using the same things to cut you down. So in that way she can be very manipulative, I think. As if I need that on top of all the rest of my problems. But then the day before yesterday she decided she wanted to give me more money than what she's gifting all of us kids this year. That was very nice of her and she pursued that further (how to do it) yesterday, but she does understand that I didn't ask for that and she said she made sure my brothers understand that too. It's very hard to deal with the flip-flopping though, as you can imagine. Also, I've expressed concerns several times lately that I thought her needs weren't satisfactorily being met and that that had to be her top priority over giving us kids money. She does really care sincerely about our welfare though, I think, but I'm not desperate or anything, just poor.
Also, one thing about her giving me more money might also be her way of trying to position herself into the most useful (her happiness) configuration of family relations. There are several things here that might bear consideration. One is that somehow the family relations, as I've described elsewhere, are not that healthy which puts her in a vulnerable position that "makes" her act like this. The other thing is that, not being sure exactly how the family got to be the way it is - out interrelationships with one another, I mean - it's not clear how much of this kind of activity by mom was a "cause", rather than an "effect" of the family being the way it is. This is might be a form of "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" although the answer in this case might be "both". In any case, if this blog ends out backfiring on me she'll make sure I take all the blame and confirm that I was just asking for it, etc., but if the blog ends out for my benefit in some way she'll try to take some of the benefit and limelight. If you've ever worked with anyone like that you'll probably understand how irritating it can be.
Anyway, I mention this because family relations are a significant part of my life and this is an autobiographical blog, after all. Also, it might have some bearing or even a certain amount of explanatory power regarding some significant issues in my past.
***
Returning to our text, the next kind of "story" organizations tell is:
"2. Stories about whether the boss is human. Such stories include three events. The status credentials of the central character are established, the character is presented with an opportunity to perform a status-equalization act, and the character does or does not abrogate status temporarily, exhibiting (or not exhibiting) 'human' qualities (e.g., Ray Kroc cleaning a bathroom)." (p. 125)
I wouldn't be surprised it there weren't stories of this nature floating around somewhere in the bowels of the Vienna mission, but I don't remember being privy to them (again, remember that I never really became a true insider).
First of all, I think my boss had a certain lack of confidence of his informal power in the mission, and maybe also the vulnerability of his formal power as well. He was from the same mission I was and I think his demeanor was was somewhat reflective of that mission in particular, in that he was a rather an unassuming man (in contrast to his - I think - somewhat snotty wife). I think he could blend into the wallpaper rather well, which in general was something the mission appreciated as a valuable skill, but for the position he was in maybe he didn't quite stand out as much as he needed to in order to garner the respect needed for his position in the mission. However, that being said, I'm sure playing second fiddle to the director of the mission would not have been an easy task, since the director was such strong figurehead, a bullwark not to be toyed with. That is, he might have had the highest theological credentials (Th.D. as well as books published, etc.) and also had a presence that immediately grabbed the attention of everyone when we were all gathered together. That's not to say that he didn't let others take the stage or get proper credit for things, because that wasn't the case at all; nor did he interfere in others' work unnecessarily. It's just that he was the kind of persona that, without words, gave the immediate impression to those around him that "the buck stops here." My boss didn't have that kind of demeanor and almost seemed lost in the shadow of his boss in some ways.
The director of the mission was definitely not above doing nitty gritty things, like Ray Kroc of McDonald's fame, but I think that such things would have been mainly for symbolic value, rather than of great substance or used very frequently. An important exception to this (that is, where it wouldn't be only a symbolic gesture), of course, would be activities "in-country," that is in Eastern Europe on mission trips, during which forays a person did whatever was needed to get the job done and there usually were just 2 of you staff members there, so in this way the director would have built a history in the mission of being "human". In contrast, the concern, I think, for my boss (the second in command) would not have been not seeming "human" enough, but being seen authoritative enough. I'm sure my problems with the mission didn't help matters for him. But I can't exactly feel sorry for him either, because I don't think he was as "innocent" as it might have seemed on the face of things, especially regarding the mission's relationship to me, which included my relationship to him.
However, it's also possible that my understanding of my boss was greatly hampered by my myopic focus on him via my relationship with him as my boss. I've noted elsewhere that there seemed to be a common model of how secretaries related to their boss's and there was supposed to be, I think a greater level of vulnerability in that relationship than with other relationships, and that vulnerability was greater for the secretary than for the boss in that relationship. Because of this, I may have been exposed more to a side of my boss that was thought to facilitate that sort of a relationship, and in that way my view of him might be skewed towards the 'human' side, even though I did also see him in interactions with others as well, including him leading large group meetings in the director's absence.
***
As a brief aside here, I'd like to discuss the paradigms open to the Vienna mission that could have guided its work in Eastern Europe and its organizational culture. Here are some possibilities:
1. The mission as a seminary. If this were the case, the mission should have been run like a seminary, based on real or theoretical seminary models, taking a cue from the seminary literature. The Association of Theological Schools would be a likely source for this kind of modeling information.
2. The mission as a mission. If missions theory was a major influence on the Vienna mission, the field of missiology should have formed the backdrop as to how the mission was run.
3. The mission as an East European mission. As you can tell this paradigm was more one of praxis than of theory, otherwise there probably would have been more of a knowledge base, journals and a professional organization to support it.
4. The mission as [national] security organization. This model would use the world of espionage and the military as its model, perhaps similar to how a community college I once taught it pursued the corporate world as its model, sending emissaries around the country to various large corporations to try to learn from them as to how to function.
My contention is that the security organization model overshadowed the others, although this would have been a "behind-closed-doors" type of similarity because of wanting to deflect interest and accusations of this nature from "enemy" sources (i.e., communist countries and friends), and also wanting to be sufficiently mission like (#2) both to satisfy their own consciences and view of what the organization was really like and also to convince those back home that that was the primary model they were using. I think that then current thinking about Eastern European missions (#3 on this list of models) was similar enough to #4 (security organizations), that these two were more or less combined into one. However, since the Eastern European model was much less developed than the security model, I think it's highly likely that the security model was more influential. Of all of these, I think that #1 (the seminary model) was the least influential as to how the mission really operated. After all, although a Th.M. was required for permanent instructors and textbook writers, they didn't have a system of tenure nor the concomitant hierarchy (i.e., from teaching assistant to provost).
The fact that the #4/#3 (security organization and Eastern European mission models) were "behind the scenes" models of how the mission operated leads me to some serious questions as to how far they might have taken that/those models, especially the security one. The fact that they had two military reserve chaplains in strategically placed and influential positions by itself raises concern. Was there a point where they could decide that they'd gone far enough in using this model? Was there a point at which it would have been hard to stop going farther with this model? For example, taking just the reserve chaplains alone, would the mission's act of taking them on board in the positions they did open them up to U.S. military influence of the mission, and which would be difficult to extricate oneself from (such as the threat of blackmail - being exposed for having the relationship at all in the first place)? Supposedly, if the mission was open to any kind of influence of this nature, it would have been in the interest of both the mission and those other "security organization" parties to keep things under wraps, so that would have undoubtedly placed limits on what could or could not be done vis a vis security organization influence of the mission.
As you can see, I can't be 100% sure of how I've described things here, but I'm pretty certain of these things:
#1 (Seminary model) was the least influential.
#2 (Missions model) was the upfront model.
#3/#4 (Eastern European mission / security organization models) were the internal "hidden" models.
I can't say whether #2 or some configuration of #3/#4 were the more powerful, but I do know, as I've said before, that the mission was literally obsessed with security issues. This combination of models would by itself, I think, have been a source of stress in as much as members had to either try to live with apparent conflicts between the two models (and not necessarily try to resolve the conflict) or develop a mental (and social? and structural?) framework that allowed for both to co-exist.
***
I hate to post this right in the middle of this list of stories in the text, but I think I've put enough material here to warrant posting it now, so you'll just have to wait for the next post to find out about the other 5 stories in organizations.
Also, one thing about her giving me more money might also be her way of trying to position herself into the most useful (her happiness) configuration of family relations. There are several things here that might bear consideration. One is that somehow the family relations, as I've described elsewhere, are not that healthy which puts her in a vulnerable position that "makes" her act like this. The other thing is that, not being sure exactly how the family got to be the way it is - out interrelationships with one another, I mean - it's not clear how much of this kind of activity by mom was a "cause", rather than an "effect" of the family being the way it is. This is might be a form of "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" although the answer in this case might be "both". In any case, if this blog ends out backfiring on me she'll make sure I take all the blame and confirm that I was just asking for it, etc., but if the blog ends out for my benefit in some way she'll try to take some of the benefit and limelight. If you've ever worked with anyone like that you'll probably understand how irritating it can be.
Anyway, I mention this because family relations are a significant part of my life and this is an autobiographical blog, after all. Also, it might have some bearing or even a certain amount of explanatory power regarding some significant issues in my past.
***
Returning to our text, the next kind of "story" organizations tell is:
"2. Stories about whether the boss is human. Such stories include three events. The status credentials of the central character are established, the character is presented with an opportunity to perform a status-equalization act, and the character does or does not abrogate status temporarily, exhibiting (or not exhibiting) 'human' qualities (e.g., Ray Kroc cleaning a bathroom)." (p. 125)
I wouldn't be surprised it there weren't stories of this nature floating around somewhere in the bowels of the Vienna mission, but I don't remember being privy to them (again, remember that I never really became a true insider).
First of all, I think my boss had a certain lack of confidence of his informal power in the mission, and maybe also the vulnerability of his formal power as well. He was from the same mission I was and I think his demeanor was was somewhat reflective of that mission in particular, in that he was a rather an unassuming man (in contrast to his - I think - somewhat snotty wife). I think he could blend into the wallpaper rather well, which in general was something the mission appreciated as a valuable skill, but for the position he was in maybe he didn't quite stand out as much as he needed to in order to garner the respect needed for his position in the mission. However, that being said, I'm sure playing second fiddle to the director of the mission would not have been an easy task, since the director was such strong figurehead, a bullwark not to be toyed with. That is, he might have had the highest theological credentials (Th.D. as well as books published, etc.) and also had a presence that immediately grabbed the attention of everyone when we were all gathered together. That's not to say that he didn't let others take the stage or get proper credit for things, because that wasn't the case at all; nor did he interfere in others' work unnecessarily. It's just that he was the kind of persona that, without words, gave the immediate impression to those around him that "the buck stops here." My boss didn't have that kind of demeanor and almost seemed lost in the shadow of his boss in some ways.
The director of the mission was definitely not above doing nitty gritty things, like Ray Kroc of McDonald's fame, but I think that such things would have been mainly for symbolic value, rather than of great substance or used very frequently. An important exception to this (that is, where it wouldn't be only a symbolic gesture), of course, would be activities "in-country," that is in Eastern Europe on mission trips, during which forays a person did whatever was needed to get the job done and there usually were just 2 of you staff members there, so in this way the director would have built a history in the mission of being "human". In contrast, the concern, I think, for my boss (the second in command) would not have been not seeming "human" enough, but being seen authoritative enough. I'm sure my problems with the mission didn't help matters for him. But I can't exactly feel sorry for him either, because I don't think he was as "innocent" as it might have seemed on the face of things, especially regarding the mission's relationship to me, which included my relationship to him.
However, it's also possible that my understanding of my boss was greatly hampered by my myopic focus on him via my relationship with him as my boss. I've noted elsewhere that there seemed to be a common model of how secretaries related to their boss's and there was supposed to be, I think a greater level of vulnerability in that relationship than with other relationships, and that vulnerability was greater for the secretary than for the boss in that relationship. Because of this, I may have been exposed more to a side of my boss that was thought to facilitate that sort of a relationship, and in that way my view of him might be skewed towards the 'human' side, even though I did also see him in interactions with others as well, including him leading large group meetings in the director's absence.
***
As a brief aside here, I'd like to discuss the paradigms open to the Vienna mission that could have guided its work in Eastern Europe and its organizational culture. Here are some possibilities:
1. The mission as a seminary. If this were the case, the mission should have been run like a seminary, based on real or theoretical seminary models, taking a cue from the seminary literature. The Association of Theological Schools would be a likely source for this kind of modeling information.
2. The mission as a mission. If missions theory was a major influence on the Vienna mission, the field of missiology should have formed the backdrop as to how the mission was run.
3. The mission as an East European mission. As you can tell this paradigm was more one of praxis than of theory, otherwise there probably would have been more of a knowledge base, journals and a professional organization to support it.
4. The mission as [national] security organization. This model would use the world of espionage and the military as its model, perhaps similar to how a community college I once taught it pursued the corporate world as its model, sending emissaries around the country to various large corporations to try to learn from them as to how to function.
My contention is that the security organization model overshadowed the others, although this would have been a "behind-closed-doors" type of similarity because of wanting to deflect interest and accusations of this nature from "enemy" sources (i.e., communist countries and friends), and also wanting to be sufficiently mission like (#2) both to satisfy their own consciences and view of what the organization was really like and also to convince those back home that that was the primary model they were using. I think that then current thinking about Eastern European missions (#3 on this list of models) was similar enough to #4 (security organizations), that these two were more or less combined into one. However, since the Eastern European model was much less developed than the security model, I think it's highly likely that the security model was more influential. Of all of these, I think that #1 (the seminary model) was the least influential as to how the mission really operated. After all, although a Th.M. was required for permanent instructors and textbook writers, they didn't have a system of tenure nor the concomitant hierarchy (i.e., from teaching assistant to provost).
The fact that the #4/#3 (security organization and Eastern European mission models) were "behind the scenes" models of how the mission operated leads me to some serious questions as to how far they might have taken that/those models, especially the security one. The fact that they had two military reserve chaplains in strategically placed and influential positions by itself raises concern. Was there a point where they could decide that they'd gone far enough in using this model? Was there a point at which it would have been hard to stop going farther with this model? For example, taking just the reserve chaplains alone, would the mission's act of taking them on board in the positions they did open them up to U.S. military influence of the mission, and which would be difficult to extricate oneself from (such as the threat of blackmail - being exposed for having the relationship at all in the first place)? Supposedly, if the mission was open to any kind of influence of this nature, it would have been in the interest of both the mission and those other "security organization" parties to keep things under wraps, so that would have undoubtedly placed limits on what could or could not be done vis a vis security organization influence of the mission.
As you can see, I can't be 100% sure of how I've described things here, but I'm pretty certain of these things:
#1 (Seminary model) was the least influential.
#2 (Missions model) was the upfront model.
#3/#4 (Eastern European mission / security organization models) were the internal "hidden" models.
I can't say whether #2 or some configuration of #3/#4 were the more powerful, but I do know, as I've said before, that the mission was literally obsessed with security issues. This combination of models would by itself, I think, have been a source of stress in as much as members had to either try to live with apparent conflicts between the two models (and not necessarily try to resolve the conflict) or develop a mental (and social? and structural?) framework that allowed for both to co-exist.
***
I hate to post this right in the middle of this list of stories in the text, but I think I've put enough material here to warrant posting it now, so you'll just have to wait for the next post to find out about the other 5 stories in organizations.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
101. Leave Continued
Today I saw the dermatologist, who wrote 2 new prescriptions for me and one over-the-counter medicine as well. He also ordered a blood test, which I'll do Monday when I'll be near a Lab Corp, where I go for blood tests (because my insurance prefers them).
Monday I see my primary care doctor and also allergy doctor. I got a call yesterday, though, that my regular allergy doctor won't be available, so someone else will see me in his place. I think I should also make an appointment with the neurologist because I'm still having some weakness and a little trouble walking.
It seemed like people were thinking this is an allergic reaction, and yesterday evening when I took my daily calcium-magnesium pill I felt worse, so after looking into it, I started wondering whether the magnesium oxide in that vitamin is to blame for all these rather sudden onset symptoms. I usually take a plain calcium supplement, but I think I started on this new bottle shortly before the symptoms started. But then my multivitamin also contains magnesium oxide, and I've never had this reaction before. Maybe it was just too much magnesium... or maybe I'm all wet and it's something else altogether. I looked online to find out more about the blood test the dermatologist is ordering and it looks like it's for checking into lupus, although it can be used for other things too.
The rash seems to be under control, but it's not going away. It's still on the same coverage area. It's just not as prominent and itchy. My face is still a bit puffy too.
So much for my grand plans to start looking for work... I haven't done anything on my autobiography.
I should probably mention, though, that I've had a couple nice conversations with mom in the last few days, so I'm glad about that. When I went to e.r. the other day I didn't tell any of my family because I consider I don't have an emergency contact now after what happened that landed me back here. I told mom today about it though.
I worked a (very) little bit in the garden. The left side is pretty barren now that I've taken the squash and cucumber plants out. There is mulch ground cover there though. And my lone stevia plant is standing tall and thriving in it's corner of my plot. I wish more plants were that easy to take care of! I will say though that the celosia seeds I planed seem to be really thriving, although they haven't bloomed yet. They're maybe 12 to 18 inches tall, but have full, healthy foliage. Underneath the air conditioner window unit I planted canterbury bells and they're growing fine, but now I see that they're getting infected with what looks like "leaf miners". That's been a common ailment too in my garden.
I think that's all for now.
~ Meg
Monday I see my primary care doctor and also allergy doctor. I got a call yesterday, though, that my regular allergy doctor won't be available, so someone else will see me in his place. I think I should also make an appointment with the neurologist because I'm still having some weakness and a little trouble walking.
It seemed like people were thinking this is an allergic reaction, and yesterday evening when I took my daily calcium-magnesium pill I felt worse, so after looking into it, I started wondering whether the magnesium oxide in that vitamin is to blame for all these rather sudden onset symptoms. I usually take a plain calcium supplement, but I think I started on this new bottle shortly before the symptoms started. But then my multivitamin also contains magnesium oxide, and I've never had this reaction before. Maybe it was just too much magnesium... or maybe I'm all wet and it's something else altogether. I looked online to find out more about the blood test the dermatologist is ordering and it looks like it's for checking into lupus, although it can be used for other things too.
The rash seems to be under control, but it's not going away. It's still on the same coverage area. It's just not as prominent and itchy. My face is still a bit puffy too.
So much for my grand plans to start looking for work... I haven't done anything on my autobiography.
I should probably mention, though, that I've had a couple nice conversations with mom in the last few days, so I'm glad about that. When I went to e.r. the other day I didn't tell any of my family because I consider I don't have an emergency contact now after what happened that landed me back here. I told mom today about it though.
I worked a (very) little bit in the garden. The left side is pretty barren now that I've taken the squash and cucumber plants out. There is mulch ground cover there though. And my lone stevia plant is standing tall and thriving in it's corner of my plot. I wish more plants were that easy to take care of! I will say though that the celosia seeds I planed seem to be really thriving, although they haven't bloomed yet. They're maybe 12 to 18 inches tall, but have full, healthy foliage. Underneath the air conditioner window unit I planted canterbury bells and they're growing fine, but now I see that they're getting infected with what looks like "leaf miners". That's been a common ailment too in my garden.
I think that's all for now.
~ Meg
Saturday, July 31, 2010
22. Family
I don't know what your family is like, but mine has some dysfunctional aspects to it. Right now I really can't deal with that because 1) I still have health issues that are uncontrolled - either not yet clarified as to what is wrong or not yet being treated for one reason or another; and 2) because my financial situation is discouraging - I spend an inordinate amount on health maintenance in the hopes that I can eventually at least be well enough to get and keep a part-time position, but half the time I don't even have enough money to take care of my health needs and I'm hoping I can have enough money to pay my next 6-month car insurance payment. The stress of moving around so much and not having a decent support network because of that doesn't help either. My little apartment is just crammed and many things are still unpacked, for a variety of reasons. These are some of my current stressors.
Since Mom called me a couple days ago I've been dragging my feet about calling her back, especially since I didn't have time to talk long that time. But the thing is that even though we haven't been in touch a lot since everything blew up up north (my relationship with my brother there, resulting in my move back here), probably most of our conversations have had unpleasant parts to them, and I just stress out thinking about that. Each time it's been something I couldn't have or didn't predict, so I've been trying to run through possible phone conversation scenarios with her to see if I can try to rig it so it will be a pleasant conversation. But since the other times have been unexpected things she's said, I feel sort of stymied and just can't get myself to call her.
My neighbor lady thinks I should just let my relationship with my Mom go - I'm 50 years old and I shouldn't be letting Mom have this strangle hold on me. But family ties in our family have traditionally been strong, so that no matter what, we're still family.
I told Mom I'd call her back that same day after I got home, and that was Thursday. Today is Saturday and I still haven't called her. I said before how I try to do what I said I will do, but I just can't get myself to call her. I've even thought that maybe I should write to her, but then it's possible she'd show the letter to my brothers. I sent her a card for Mother's Day and she said she had it up somewhere, I forget where, so my brother back there at least saw it if he didn't also read it too.
Thursday my fever got to 99.8 again. It was down yesterday to 99.1, but today it got to 99.8 again. So this bug is still with me even after going through my 4th round of antibiotics and 2nd round of methylprednisone a month ago.
Yesterday the new ophthalmologist put plugs in my eyes for the dry eyes. I was transferred to her because she specializes in dry eyes. They put a strip in my eye to test what my tear production was and it was about 0, which just verifies what others have been saying, that I have VERY dry eyes. I already take Restasis and over-the-country preservative-free eye drops, but even so I still have such low tear production.
I don't know if anyone reads these or not, but I just want to get my story out there, in case it's of interest to someone. As you can see (if you're reading these), I have a lot of problems now and have had a lot of problems in my adult life. Currently I to keep myself pre-occupied with something other than health maintenance (which takes a lot of time): I work on a recipe database and piddle in my kitchen garden. It's not a lot and nothing terribly exciting, but it gives me a little sense of encouragement and I can fit it in my schedule as I can, so it doesn't have heavy demands to stress me out. I have to be careful about not letting failures in the garden upset me though. I'm just learning, to garden, so there is a certain element of trial and error. Fortunately there are enough successes to make it worthwhile.
Wherever you are, I hope you're also able to find something good in your life to enjoy and be thankful for.
~ Meg
Since Mom called me a couple days ago I've been dragging my feet about calling her back, especially since I didn't have time to talk long that time. But the thing is that even though we haven't been in touch a lot since everything blew up up north (my relationship with my brother there, resulting in my move back here), probably most of our conversations have had unpleasant parts to them, and I just stress out thinking about that. Each time it's been something I couldn't have or didn't predict, so I've been trying to run through possible phone conversation scenarios with her to see if I can try to rig it so it will be a pleasant conversation. But since the other times have been unexpected things she's said, I feel sort of stymied and just can't get myself to call her.
My neighbor lady thinks I should just let my relationship with my Mom go - I'm 50 years old and I shouldn't be letting Mom have this strangle hold on me. But family ties in our family have traditionally been strong, so that no matter what, we're still family.
I told Mom I'd call her back that same day after I got home, and that was Thursday. Today is Saturday and I still haven't called her. I said before how I try to do what I said I will do, but I just can't get myself to call her. I've even thought that maybe I should write to her, but then it's possible she'd show the letter to my brothers. I sent her a card for Mother's Day and she said she had it up somewhere, I forget where, so my brother back there at least saw it if he didn't also read it too.
Thursday my fever got to 99.8 again. It was down yesterday to 99.1, but today it got to 99.8 again. So this bug is still with me even after going through my 4th round of antibiotics and 2nd round of methylprednisone a month ago.
Yesterday the new ophthalmologist put plugs in my eyes for the dry eyes. I was transferred to her because she specializes in dry eyes. They put a strip in my eye to test what my tear production was and it was about 0, which just verifies what others have been saying, that I have VERY dry eyes. I already take Restasis and over-the-country preservative-free eye drops, but even so I still have such low tear production.
I don't know if anyone reads these or not, but I just want to get my story out there, in case it's of interest to someone. As you can see (if you're reading these), I have a lot of problems now and have had a lot of problems in my adult life. Currently I to keep myself pre-occupied with something other than health maintenance (which takes a lot of time): I work on a recipe database and piddle in my kitchen garden. It's not a lot and nothing terribly exciting, but it gives me a little sense of encouragement and I can fit it in my schedule as I can, so it doesn't have heavy demands to stress me out. I have to be careful about not letting failures in the garden upset me though. I'm just learning, to garden, so there is a certain element of trial and error. Fortunately there are enough successes to make it worthwhile.
Wherever you are, I hope you're also able to find something good in your life to enjoy and be thankful for.
~ Meg
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