336. Organizational Behavior, Pt. 60 (Graham, pt. 6)

I think it's been somewhat carthatic writing these Easter letters.  I don't know what the fallout will be, though.  But the prep for the tax things has been sort of stressful, so while the Easter letters has been a positive force of sorts, the tax issue has been a negative one.  We'll see how both end out.  It could end out that the tax issue is fine and the Easter letters get a rabid response from some quarters.

Anyway,  after some things I've written and thought about, I thought it might be appropriate to deal with this one issue very briefly.  In my family, the men, following my father's lead, have all taken the position that public opinion is of paramount importance.  I hope you can tell by now that I'm not so much of that mindset.  As a matter of fact I'm more of the turn-the-tables-of the-money-changers ilk.  That is, let's call a spade a spade and fix the problem rather than continue on playing some charade or other.  In any case, don't count on me to play along, so if you want to play, you'd better keep me at arm's length because I'm not the playing type.

Now my talking like that is not necessarily just all hypothetical, because I have two brothers who seem to enjoy making sure the public have one view of them even while they know  they live differently.  That's why, for example, no one knew that my one brother had a temper - because it was delegated to private family affairs.

But what does the Bible have to say about this kind of thing?

Well, actually, I'm not sure I understand them enough to say for sure.  With dad I think, if I understand him correctly, it was that when mom had her first breakdown she was an embarrassment  to him and so from then on there became a need for there to be a discrepancy between what really went on behind closed doors at home and was the public saw.  If there was a difference like (between public fiew and their familial relatioship) that before her breakdown, I don't know about that.Dad may also have resented her holding him back too, I don't know.  We as children were told not to tell other people about mom's emotional problems.

My brother back home, in his relationship with mom made sure everyone knew how much he was sacrificing and doing for her and how hard she was making it for her.  So then it made it look like she was such a problem and so unthoughtful or something.  Then behind closed doors he would yell at her and criticise her and call her names, basically, emotionally and verbally abuse her.

Luke 12:2
Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.

This verse is good for anyone to remember who does things "in secret", including the mission in Vienna and how they treated me.

Ecclesiastes 12:14
For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil.


















This, of course, is true for all of us, every single one of us, believer included, because we're going to be judged to receive crowns and for our positions in heaven.  So if someone is terribly concerned about what others think and has a dual standard regarding what goes on in public and what goes on in private and what should be kept secret, knowing that if secrets were to be "leak out" the Christian world might not approve and you might have some explaining to do or you might have to change some ways.  So you'd rather maintain the status quo and pay the piper later... at the judgement seat.  Well, and you just may have to do that.  So it might be wise to consider whether or not there are any double standards lurking in your families, in your missions.

John 3:19
And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.

Now I'm not saying that any of the people I'm talking about aren't saved, but in their walk, at least in certain spheres, since they have this secret inner world (family, mission) that members have strict instructions as to how they are to talk about to the rest of the world, so they seem in this instance to love darkness rather than light.  They seem to love their world of secrecy and darkness from which the world is cut off - but which, I might mention, God is NOT cut off.   God know all your little secrets and what goes on behind closed doors.

How much better to have a clear conscious and love the light?  That is the one thing I have always, from day one ever since I left Vienna, said, that I left with a clear conscious, which is something I could not have said if I had mired myself in their ways.  So I never regreted that.  Of course, I still went through a lot of agony, which I've discussed elsewhere and I'll get to later on too. But that's a different issue altogether.

So whether you're my family members, the men in my family, or the Vienna mission, you need to know that God knows what you're doing and what you've done, whether or not people know or knew, and one day you're going to face God for how you've acted.  So you may think you can fool people, and you may well be able to, but you can't ever fool God.  Ever.

You still have a choice, however.  Are you going to continue in darkness?  For missions, deception is a sin and lying is something God can't even do.  I don't even want to try to address my brothers.  They're going to have to figure their own way out. 

***

Back to the text...

We're in the section titled "Organizational Obedience" where the author is still creating propositions relevant to organizational citizenship behavior.  In this section she pairs organizational rights and responsibilities to create "organizational obedience".   For example...

"Those with Gesellschaft relational ties are likely to be minimally compliant, because they see rights and responsibilities related only instrumentally.  On the other hand, those with normal or covenantal Gemeinschaft relational ties are likely to obey the spirit as well as the letter of the law, due to their sincere respect for the organizational rationality." (p. 259)

The covenantal Gemeinschaft relational ties are what one would have found in the Vienna mission, and I don't think anyone would really argue with that.  Except I never really reached that level because I could never accept the mission's values and norms en toto, and that was part of my not internalizing their values and norms.  Of course, I did in part, but that was not at all adequate.  They wanted all or nothing, because to have a partial acceptance meant that you were left critiqueing the organization over the part you didn't accept and that was not okay.  Very not okay.  So I was in the doghouse like most of the time I was there, if not the whole time.  (Of course, there may well have been other things going on, so I don't want to make it look like that was the only reason I was singled out, because I doubt it was.)

Okay, so all those others who did have the covenantal Gemeinschaft relational ties with the mission did (once they were socialized) obey the spirit as well as the letter of the law and did, as far as I knew, have a sincere respect for the organizational rationality.

I think this "organizational rationality" thing deserves some discussion.  First of all, I remind you that we're talking mostly (although not entirely) about theologians with Th.M. and some Th.D. degrees.  So these people should have been able to think more or less clearly about "organizational rationality."  Or at least about organizational morality.  The thing is that these new missionaries respected the mission for the following reason, I suspect: 1) for the qualities of missionaries (in their view); 2) for the quality of the mission and/or number of missions comprising the mission - as it was made up of member missions; and 3) conceded to others because of their lack of lack of skill/knowledge regarding work in Eastern Europe/closed countries.     So these things compelled these missioneries to sincerely respect the organization's rationality, which resulted in their obedience.

I, on the other hand, failed to see the organizational rationality.  The thing was that, first of all, I came knowing German and Russian and having spend a couple months a few years prior in Austria, not to mention other German speaking countries and cities.  I had also worked with other missions and had done research with a well known research center and worked in a specialiced library, had traveled on my own and made contacts on my own and learned of various ministries to that part of the world on my own.  And I had written to a whole slew of missions trying to select a mission and had gotten a real eye opener in the answers I received.

So when I came to the Vienna mission and saw what I saw, knowing what I knew from other groups.  I knew that I couldn't accept their rationality and that their rationality wasn't a given just because their missionfield was Communist.  I didn't buy it.  I didn't buy it because I didn't think it was Christian and I didn't buy it because they were using tactics similar to those used by the Communists.  (The Communists did used psychology to reeducate their political activists, I'll remind you.)  So no I didn't enter into the covenantal Gemeinschaft relationship ties, but leaving felt painful like I was leaving a cult under bad conditions.  However, the upbeat letter from the director and assistant director which was so sickening syrupy sweet that I received some six months after I returned home from leaving Vienna made it sound as if everything was just hunky dory. Yeah right.  Barf.

***

I think that's all for now.  I've got to get going.

317. Organizational Behavior, Pt. 41 (Luthans, pt. 4)

I finally got the Homestead Exemption taken care of.  I'm not sure how many states have this, but here where I live the place you live (if you own it) is eligible for a property tax break.  If you own other properties you'd pay full tax on those properties, but not on the one you live in.  You only need to apply for the Homestead Exemption for a particular property once, but the deadline every year for that year is March 1.

One of the things that had to be done prior to applying for the exemption, however, is changing your voter's registration address, which I hadn't done and only found out about that when I sat down to seriously prepare for the application, so I didn't get my voter's registration change of address change (with the necessary documentation included) mailed out until Feb. 13.  Needless to say I was on pins and needles waiting to get the new voter's registration card and when it didn't come and didn't come, I finally called a couple days ago.  I learned that they had received my application and eventually I could get the information online (but not right away).

So today I had my mammogram, drove to where I have my physical therapy, hopped on the train to the county office building and thankfully didn't have to wait long and even had time for lunch.  Then I took the train back and had physical therapy.

After physical therapy the freeway was a horrible mess.  I finally made it home and what should I find on my door but a notice that evidently had been place on everyone's door in the buidling about noise after 11:00.  That was almost enough to send me into a fibromyalgia flare, and I've already told you about the fiasco with the people downstairs, and  I just can't imagine what other people had been complaining.  Personally, I haven't noticed any noise at all, as this is a very quite complex.  Well, I went with my knee jerk reaction and called the condo office and left a voicemail message (it was 5:30 - after hours) telling them about the last incident with my neighbor downstairs regarding their calling when I was emptying the dishwasher.  I also cited the police case number  date and time too so that they could check on it if they want and understand that I am serious about not putting up with this B.S.

I guess I'd better look into legal assistance, but when?  I spend all my time at doctor's offices!  I hardly have time to keep up with the regular stuff I have to do, and I'm dealing with the mess with the interior decorator and contractors too!  Not to mention my family.  Which brings me to my next subject...

***

My family is a mess.  I'm really coming to the realization that my brother in the Northwest (where I'm from) might be the worst of the lot. I don't know though, that's just my latest theory in trying to sort things out.

I'm pretty sure that that brother came to sort of resent me through the years, although he wouldn't admit it like that.  I was the oldest and he ended out sort of having to follow in my shadow in school and then when I went off overseas and all then he probably ended out hearing about everything I did.

When he was in his 20s he was the last one to move out of mom and dad's house.  It was like he didn't have the self esteem to step out on his own.  So he's mostly sort of followed others, it seems, even though there is enough he could do on his own.  He always took the safe route, which isn't always bad, it's just that in his case the reason is that he didn't have the self esteem to do anything else.  (He did doe some oversees ministry, after having visited me in Russia - I feel like he used me in that trip, as most of his trips serve a purpose, it seems.  He never just goes on vacation and he would never just visit me - unless to "help" me, and thereby set himself up as the "parent" and me the "child" in transactional analysis terms.) Now he's sort of stuck where he is, so there's not much he can do I suppose.

The other thing is that my brothers both just sort of idolized our dad and they just sort of formed a band of guys in a way that mom and I were left out of.  And not just because we were female, but also because we were weaker, mom because of her emotional issues in particular, and me because they didn't understand my decisions regarding work and school so they labeled me according to what they thought fit me.  After dad died, my two brothers continued the male bond in juxtaposition to mom and I, because it was still the strong against the weak, in their minds.

Now that both parents are gone, however, my brothers don't seem to be so content playing the two alpha males against the weak female, or maybe they're just taking a different tack, I don't know.  But the thing is that I've pulled away from them, rather than them pulling away from me.  So that's not maybe how they like it either, but it's what I want.  

I think it's pretty disgusting to have this strong/weak relationship like that, especially for a family that claims to be Christian, because that is quite the antithesis of Christianity, and if anything, special attention should be given to the weak rather than taking an adversarial position or taking advantage of the differences.  And if mom was treated like that and I was lumped together with her, I don't see any reason to change now.  I haven't changed, so whatever reason I was being treated that way I guess still exists, right?

Anyway, I do want to get to the text... And I can't believe that notice on my door this evening... I need more problems like I need a hold in the head.

***

This next primary section is "Creating and Maintaing a Culture."

"Some organizational cultures may be the direct, or at least indirect, result of actions taken by the founders." (p. 53)

The Vienna mission was one such organizational culture.  I've said this in various ways on this blog already.  The culture (and also the informal organization) was a key component of the mission's security efforts, which were a very high priority.

***

"At other times a culture must be changed because the environment changes and the previous core cultural values are not in step with those needed for survival." (p. 55)

The main reason I include this quote is that just a few short years after I was with the mission the Communist regimes of Eastern Europe met their demise and the mission at that point probably underwent some changes and it appears that it has grown considerably since then, so the remarks I make about the mission only apply to the time I was with it.  If anything I say fits later situations that is coincidental because I don't know what happened after I left.  I will say, as I have before, however, that I suspect that their basic pragmatism and deceitfulness  is probably the same and they may still be friendly with government entities too (like military chaplians), although I don't know that.

***

I'm skipping a lot because there are a lot of corporate case studies and examples and some things aren't relevant anyway.  The sub-section we'll turn to now is "Maintaining Cultures through Steps of Socialization."

"Selection of Entry-Level Personnel.  The first step is the careful selection of entry-level candidates.  Using standardized procedures and seeking specific traits that tie to effective performance, trained recruiters interview candidates and attempt to screen out those whose personal styles and values do not make a 'fit' with the organization's culture." (p. 58-59)

The issue in my case was that the interviewers were like 3 steps away from the actual position.  This is what I mean:  I was interviewed by the North American office of my sending mission... who relayed the information to the International office of my sending mission... who relayed the information to the Easter European office of my sending mission... who relayed the information to the Vienna mission.  Each step along the way I had to be accepted, etc.

So, somewhere along the way the message got garbled... maybe. But that really doesn't completely make sense either, because most everyone at the Vienna mission got there through a process more or less like the one how I got there and no one else had so many problems (as far as I knew).  So did it get garbled?  Hmmmm... I doubt it.

I do think, however, that they maybe didn't really believe that I meant it when I said things like 1) I don't want a roommate, 2) I want to work with Austrians on my free time, etc.

You see, unlike them, I really was of the conviction that my "yeah" should be "yeah" and my "nay" should be "nay" and I wasn't joking around or something when I stated those intentions and I thought that everything was clear and settled on those accounts.

I think they needed to find someone a little more "pragmatic" than me.   In fact, if they still hold to that same philosophy, they might want to consider giving a test to potential recruits to determine whether they agree that the ends justifies the means or whether they can say "We're an international book publisher" without making a lie detector go off.

***

 "Placement on the Job.  The second step offucrs on the job itself, after the person with a fit is hired.  New personnel are subjected to a carefully orchestrated series of different experiences whose purpose is to cause them to question the organization's norms and values and to decide whether or not  they can accept them.  For example, many organizations with strong cultures make it a point to give newly hired personnel more work than they can handle.  Sometimes these assignments are beneath the individual's abilities.  At Procter & Gamble, for example, new personnel may be required to color in a sales territory map.  The experience is designed to convey the message, "While you're smart in some ways, you're in kindergarten as far as what you know about this organization."  The objective is also to teach the new entrant into the culture the importance of humility.  These experiences are designed to make newly hired personnel vulnerable and to cause them to move closer emotionally to their colleagues, thus intensivying group cohesiveness." (p. 59-60)

I clearly experienced the color in the sales territory map type work.  In fact, I would say a good 90% of my work with the mission was like that for me, which is part of why I left the mission so broken after all I'd done to prepare for that work.  I never really made it past this stage.  It was like, "Okay, you're here, but don't count on getting anywhere with us."  And I didn't.

The thing was, though, that I never complained, so I never broke.  I think I was supposed to break, as in break down in tear about how I wanted to be useful and sob, sob, ...  But I didn't.  I've written about this elsewhere too, that I just didn't complain and took everything in stride and word of watched and tried to figure out what was going on.

As far as the group cohesiveness is concerned, I've also said a lot about that, as the secretaries weren't a very good identity group for me.  I was friendly with them, but I didn't really feel like I could relate to them completely since I wasn't really a professional secretary and I never attended to be a career secretary.

***"

"Job Mastery.  Once the initial 'cultural shock' is over, the next step is mastery of one's job.  This is typically done via extensive and carefully reinforced field experience...." (p. 60)

I clearly didn't get to this stage.  I was supposed to be the secretary to the assistant director, but most of the time I wasn't in that position at all even.    Also, I'd just like to point out the use of the term "culture shock" in reference to organizations, this conflicts with what the Vienna mission human resources director diagnosed me with (culture shock vis a vis living in Austria).  I won't go into details here, but I was doing just fine in Vienna, including going to an Austrian church and getting around on my own, etc.  My problems were with the mission.

***

"Measuring and Rewarding Performance."  The next step of the socialization process consists of meticulous attention to measuring operational results and to rewarding individual performance... Anyone who commits a crime against the culture... is sent to the 'penalty box.' This typically involves a lateral move to a less desirous location.  For example, a branch manager in Chicago might be given a nebulous staff position at headquarters.  This individual is no off-track, which can slow his or her career progress." (p. 60)

Despite the fact that I never made it to job mastery, I managed to make it to the penalty box.  So my career went something like this (at least in part):


1) faulty selection process =>
2) unsuccessful transition to placement on the job [skip over job mastery] =>
3) crime committed against the culture via unsuccessful transition to placement on the job resulting in 'penalty box' assignments

So here the culture is king, in that it appears, based on my experience alone, that you couldn't have your job unless you mastered the culture.

***

"Adherence to Important Values. The next step involves careful adherence to the firm's important values.  Identification with these values helps employees reconcile personal sacrifices brought about by their membership in the organization.  They learn to accept these values and to trust the organization not to do anything that would hurt them.  As Pascale observes, 'Placing one's self 'at the mercy' of an organization imposes real costs..."... However, the organization attempts to overcome these costs by connecting the sacrifices to higher values such as serving society with better products and/or services." (p. 60-61)

Wow!  This is good and something new, too.  First of all, the mission would expect a certain amount of this early on in the socialization, but the new missionary would continue to for some time learning these things and the mission would be watching and helping to make sure s/he progressed well.

Another thing is that in the mission the sacrifices were greater than in your typical job because you'd left your homeland and your life mostly revolved around the mission, but the missionary would have known of the usual costs that missions entail.  Issues like ones that messed me up, involving philosophy in respect to ministry in "closed countries", etc. may or may not have bothered others at first, or maybe there were different issues others dealt with.  But if you're going to be traveling clandestinely into a country that is hostile to your work, you would want to trust your organization "not to do anything that would hurt" you.

Now let's get to the juicy stuff.  First of all, I'm thinking of this text in contrast to how I think the church is supposed to operate, and the mission was an extension of the church.  What is this accepting their values and trusting they won't hurt you?!  Would your pastor hurt you?  I don't think so!  How about the elders?  Evangelists?  Anyone in the church?  Why should it take some extra step of accepting their values and trusting them in order to know they won't hurt me? 

Well, and just in case you have a problem with these values that you need to accept in order to trust that they won't hurt you, it might be more persuasive to know that the mission is serving society...  How pragmatic can you get?  That is, the ends (serving society) justifies any possible values issues that might bother you.  And you want to be a part of this watershed project, don't you?  Of course, you do!  ... That's the mission cajoling the new recruit on to accept their values.

Furthermore, there may be costs to becoming a missionary and working with a mission, but "adhering to their important values" should not be among them.  Let me explain myself here.  If the mission has any important values that need adhering to, they should be Christocentric and true to the Bible.  If this is the case then it hardly seems that adherance to their values would be a cost to the new missionary.  That's not to say there wouldn't be some adjustments to make, but I don't think that in the values realm missions' appropriate expectations should be seen as costs; rather, these should be seen as opportunitis for spiritual growth.  (Although, that being said, some things in the Bible aren't cut and dry and sometimes there is room for divergent interpretations, so the missionary might come with one credible understanding and the mission another, and hopefully these would be in minor issues ans the larger doctrinal issues should already have been hashed out.

But in the case of the Vienna mission, I think their core values, the ones I had problems with, were categorically not biblical (and not a "gray area").  In this case, for me to have conceded would indeed have been a cost, and one I felt I couldn't afford, despite my desire for the same ends as the mission, I couldn't go along with the means, or at least significant parts of it.

The other thing is that when the mission sent me home in the 5th month I was in Vienna, it was at that point that I knew beyond a shadow of a dobut that they could hurt me.  I was shocked when it happened and after that I didn't know how far they'd go or what they could do, but at that point there was nothing anyone could do that would have convinced me that the mission might not (although not again not necessarily in the same way) hurt me.   So at that point it was doutbtless pretty futile to think of anything potentially good coming of my relationship with the mission.  But I didn't want to believe it.  I kept hoping something would change.

***

I'm skipping the paragraph on "Reinforcing the Stories and Folklore" because they're nothing new or helpful there.  Our last one is...

"Recognition and Promotion. The final step is the recognition and promotion of individuals who have done their jobs well and who can serve as role models to new people in the organization... Role models in strong-culture firms are regarded as the most powerful ongoing training program of all." (p. 61)

This and mentoring were the main ways I was socialized with the mission.  But I would also like to draw your attention to the way the role model status falls in the sequence of things and that's pretty much what I've been saying about the mentors too.  So once a person has reached a certain level of acceptedness with the group they might be potential mentors/role models, and seeing someone in that role is an indication that the person has reached that level, too.  (The mission was large enough that everyone didn't know exactly how everyone else was doing, so signs like this would be helpful.)

***

That's it for today.  I'm tired... It's been a long day and a little stressful too.  Goodnight.

288. Family, Condo, etc.

I made it through another major hurdle... or should I say hurdles (plural)?  First of all, the move into the condo is largely a done deal, although there are still a few things to do, but the bulk of it is done now and I only have a few boxes left unopened.

I went into this move walking with a walker and by the time I was ready to actually make the move into the new place my back was well enough to let me lift boxes with virtually (as far as I know at least) no retributions.  PTL! (that's Praise the Lord!)  But, of course, I couldn't get by without having at least some kind of health issue or the other reminding me of my frailty, so about the time my back was on the mend, I started getting a headache... which I have to this day... a 4+ month long headache.  And it's the strangest headache I've ever had.  It's rather a moderate headache (although if I stopped the prescription pain medicine now I might not call it moderate), but even when the pain is more or less under control I can still have blurry vision and/or balance problems, which makes it difficult to walk much.  I've also found that this headache has been more of a trigger to fibromyalgia than any other condition I've had since I've had fibromyalgia.  So there's the extra urgency to keep the headaches at bay so as not to aggravate my fibromyalgia too.

***

Anyway, the other issue is making it through the holidays after the death of mom.  I'd planned to send out Christmas cards, and even ordered some, but it just didn't work out because of everything going on regarding the condo and my limited energy levels.  Maybe being distracted by the condo activities was a blessing in disguise to not let me get to focused on mom and the family.  Nevertheless, I did make the usual Christmas phone calls, maybe a couple more than usual, and this year I think I ended out having some longer conversations, especially around family topics.  It was good for me to learn more things about the family, and I hope it was good on the other end too for those I was talking with, but it was difficult too in some ways and I learned some rather upsetting things in some cases. 

Anyone who's had to deal with suicide knows of some of the difficult aspects of it.  And in the case of my mom there was also most certainly some elder abuse (verbal & emotional at least), and gender discrimination issues going on.  Mom's gone but the other family issues remain, and I don't think they're going away any too soon either.  So I'm the next logical target of abuse, although one brother has children, including a handicapped son, who are also prime targets.  But, I, being an adult, can opt out of this set up, although not without cost to me.  I'm opting out by deciding that I don't want either of my brothers to take care of me when I get old.  So, as one aunt so pertinently asked, who then will take care of me?  I don't know, but not them.  I'd actually rather have no one take care of me than have someone who is super controlling and uses physical force (my youngest brother) or someone who is very angry take care of me (my other brother). 

I've opened all the boxes of inheritance things now and I didn't find the steak knives or the pysanka (singular for pysanky - Ukrainian Easter egg) from my great grandmother, so I suspect this was not an accidental oversight, since that brother is so meticulous.  Each of us was supposed to get one of the eggs and I was supposed to get the steak knives to go with the rest of the knife set since that brother got both the china and silver.  But, as my financial advisor put it, my brother just didn't want me to have anything, including a pysanka, it seems.

It looks like there's a pretty good consensus that among my relatives back home that my brother with the two boys is very controlling but I don't think everyone knew about my other brother's anger.  My aunt there was surprised when I told her, but two of her kids have witnessed it first hand since mom's death now.  I guess some in that family even think my dad might have abused mom.  I'm not sure about that, but I guess there's evidence that the last few years there may have been some of this.  My other aunt told me a story that sort of corroborated this too, but I would not have thought this before. 

I have no idea how I can ever regain anything like a normal relationship with my brothers for some of the reasons already discussed but also because of gender issues and how I was so left out of the family when I could have made a difference in mom's welfare but they didn't really care about that evidently.  Mom thanked me more than once for helping with dad but I think she didn't think I was doing anything to help her.  I was behind the scenes sometimes making calls to ask people to check on her and/or keep an eye out to see if there was any verbal/emotional abuse going on, but I didn't want to have to go through my brothers to help her and she wouldn't do anything to facilitate that and I wasn't going to go through my brothers so there wasn't much possibility for me to help under those conditions.  I was basically relegated to a symbolic role of cheerleader or friend or the like.  Of course, my brother(s) would protest that this was not just a symbolic role at all, but very important.  Basically, they were relegating me to a stereotypical female role.

***

Other than that, my neighbors at the new place are a whole new book-worthy saga.  I've been advised to get a lawyer to write a formal grievance letter to the board against the neighbor below me who is also a board member.  They have no objection to me making all kinds of noise any time of day or night in the kitchen, but they get all bent out of shape by the use of a wrench in the construction of an antigravity chair.  Let's just say that my juicer is about as loud as an electric drill and a wrench is about as loud as a toaster, maybe.  So why do they call the security guard over the wrench but not the juicer?  My hunch is sexism, but I'll let the lawyer figure out the best approach to this.  The last complaint they had was regarding me putting glass shelves in a cabinet and then washing the glass windows of the cabinet!  I'll let you guess how loud that might have been.  The guard says the nieghbors could call the police and I've offered to call the police for them because I think the police would laugh in their face at the stupidity of their complaints.  Oh, and let me provide some more context.  I wear slippers at home, don't listen to music, have the computer set on mute by default and only recently just got my TV set up and hardly watch it at all.  I'm what you might call a quiet neighbor, except for the occasional use of a wrench, that is. (?!) Oh, please, how come all the idiots in the world seem to find me?

Then there's the neighbor to the right who was walking into my condo unannounced before I moved in when the painters were working here until they realized what was going on.  The condo manager had to call him and ask him to stop, but not before the neighbor asked if he could have one of the vanity tops! I'll stop there.  I have a feeling this neighbor is one of the people that voted in the neighbor below me to the board.

****

I've been thinking about the progression of this blog and how missions would just love to somehow wriggle their way out of how they treated me so horribly and how their whole set up was so political.  If I proceed as planned they'll most likely try to mainly excuse themselves by saying that I'm just crazy, but if I skip the Vienna years (and come back to them later) and go instead to my pre-Russia period they'll get all hyped up about how awful, horrible and absolutely un-American those Soviets/Russians were... which will effectively take the pressure off themselves and justify their own malfeasance based on political reasoning (at least that's how they'll think).   But then if I take the latter route, by the time I come back to the Vienna years, I think it would be more difficult to just disregard out of hand my claims because of all the things that happen after Vienna. 

It's late now, though, and I should get going. 

282. Ruminations about Family

Since my cousin called a couple days ago I think I've felt more sadness about mom's death.  Maybe her call helped me open up and not be so tense about things related to the family.

I think that both of my parents died unhappy.  Dad was pushing himself in the care of mom and it was clearly getting the best of him, even though he was a very strong person.  Mom, well, if she weren't sad I don't expect she'd have committed suicide.  But it's really sad to me that both of them died unhappy.  It seems to me that they deserved better (despite our relational issues over the years).  But at least it's better for them now.

Then, regarding the rest of the family that's left behind, namely me and my two brothers and two nephews (who are all but dead to me because of that thing their father, my brother, made me sign a couple years ago).  As soon as things stabilize for me (e.g., health, where I'm living, etc.) I've got to figure out how I can make some friends.  I wouldn't be surprised if the future holds some more rocky interactions between me and my brothers.  So I don't plan on depending on them for my relational needs.

281. Blog May Stand Still, But Life Doesn't!

It's hard for me to return to talking about the past when so much is happening in the present! I'm still here at my same address, though (i.e., I haven't moved yet). That's for the most part because I'm still waiting for the bank to decide whether they'll accept my offer (it's for a "short sale," which - for those not versed in U.S. real estate lingo - is a sale of a property with a for less than the going market rate. The bank holding the mortgage has to decide whether it will accept the offer from a potential buyer. In my case, I offered the amount the seller - representatives handling the estate of the now deceased owner - presented as being "pre-authorized" by the bank holding the mortgage. However, I eventually learned that this sale amount wasn't "pre-authorized" in the usual formal sense of the word. Rather, it was the amount that the bank had counter-offered to a potential buyer not long before I came on the scene, so the estate handlers sort of assumed that this amount was "pre-authorized".

Anyway, I've been continuing to work on getting the condo set up, and in any case, I'm going to buy a condo at this complex, whether it's this unit or not. But other than that, my health has provided more fodder for news and excitement than I like. This isn't a case where "no news is good news" can be used. That is, the fact that I haven't written here does not mean that I have nothing of interest to write. Au contraire! No, since the last time I wrote to you I've been in e.r. twice (after consulting with my doctors' and health insurance's after-hours services. And, I've been admitted likewise twice into the hospital. However, they still haven't determined with great certainty what is causing my symptoms. O, yeah, and I also have been walking with a walker since my last week-long hospital stay. And the walker is a whole story in itself!

***

The story of the walker goes like this: on my 5th day in the hospital last time a nurse told me she thought my trouble walking was because I wasn't up and walking around enough. Huh? Armed with that stupidity in mind, I vowed to get up and walk around after having my shower (which I had to take sitting on the floor of the bath tub because their rules disallowed either taking a bath (there was not plug for the drain) or sitting on a chair in the shower and I wasn't stable enough to risk standing to take a shower.

This was mid evening. So true to my word, after the shower I made myself presentable (by hospital standards, which means mostly wearing a bath robe in order to be properly covered up and not displaying ones backside, wear the hospital gown ties up. I should mention that the entire time in the hospital when a physical therapist came s/he'd bring a walker and go with me walking up and down the hall a bit, but then take the walker away when the session ended. So I was left to my own devices when it came to walking in the absence of a physical therapist. So walking after my shower meant trying to walk without the aid of a walker. So I got by by holding on the rail along the hall. I reached a corner in the hallway - like a T-intersection where you have to decide whether to go right or left because straight ahead is not an option - I looked both ways and who should I meet but my rheumatologist! He was doing something at a computer in the hallway maybe 20 feet or so away from me. I had missed an appointment with him because of being in the hospital and had asked for a consult with him. He didn't recognize me at first, which isn't that surprising since he'd never seen me in my bathroom and with my head wrapped up in a towel turban-style. After I told him my name he cam over and I told him why I was walking around - what the nurse had said, and he agreed that my trouble walking was not because of muscular weakness due to lack of use (of the muscle(s)). He also offered to write a prescription for a walker for me.

The next morning I asked the nurse about the walker, and she acknowledged having seen the script for the walker in my chart but told me that I wouldn't be given the walker until discharge from the hospital. So based on this information I didn't ask about it again until I was being discharged.

Upon learning I was being discharged I had to arrange for follow up appointments for the following week, figure out how I was getting home (I'd come via ambulance), and otherwise go through the usual discharge routine. However, this was being done by nurses at the same time they were taking care of their other patients too. So somewhere in there I inquired about the promised walker... only to learn that there evidently wasn't a script for it. I insisted that there was a script and the nurse checked and double checked, and it wasn't in my records. So then the nurse said that the doctor would have to physically come in to sign the script. I told them that my rheumatologist had already written the script, and I was told that he wasn't my doctor while in the hospital (?!). I eventually understood that the script had either been either intentionally taken out of my records or accidentally misplaced. I said I wouldn't leave without the walker so I had to say another night. The next morning I was told the script was signed and I'd get the walker Monday at home. Satisfied with that (oh foolish me!), I agreed to be discharged.

Upon arrival at home my neighbor lent me her walker on the assumption that it would be only 2 days, until Monday. I waited... and waited... finally by Tuesday mid-day with no word about the phantom walker I was to receive, I called my doctor's office, the rheumatologist and also my primary care doctor, and I also mentioned it to the neurosurgeon, whom I saw on Monday. So at that point both the rheumatologist and neurosurgeon were working on the walker, but my primary care seemed to be AWOL (absent without leave, a military crime worthy of court martial). Finally, by Thursday I got a call from a company arranging to bring me a walker. The next day someone else came by with a walker, which I did not accept. It turns out that that second walker was from the rheumatologist, so I guess I got the walker the neurosurgeon prescribed. Anyway, I'm still walking with a walker, although the physical therapist is helping me and sometimes I'm able to use just a cane.

***

And this brings me to another point... when I was discharged from the hospital I was sent home with a script for physical therapy at home and a home health aid. A nurse comes by from time to time too.

And what are my symptoms? It quite possibly might be easier to answer that are NOT my symptoms, but I'll try my best to answer what ARE my symptoms: weakness and poor control in the legs, tingling and sometimes pain in my feet, cold feet, poor balance, acting up of my autoimmune allergic reaction (specifically redness in the upper chest and facial swelling), tingling in the face accompanied by fatigue, pain in the mid back and also in the gut, g.i. system slow down/malfunction, loss of feeling in my feet (not good for driving a stick shift/automatic transmission car). So now I have increased medications, have dizziness excercises tacked on to my usual heath routine, have to keep my legs elevated to minimize foot pain, tingling and lack of sensation, have to pay more attention to my g.i. system, etc., etc.

***

At the same time I'm working on getting set up in the new condo and hoping against hope that my general contractor is honest, because I just can't deal with problems on that front on top of everything else. But now I'm living in a personal canyon of boxes in my dinky little apartment. Part of the boxes are from packing up, but a good chunk of them are things I've ordered for the new apartment when I find things I've liked at good prices. I'm having to be my own interior decorator, because even if I could afford an interior decorator, noone will work for you until you own the place. But knowing my health I feel like I have to do as much as I can while I'm reasonably able, because I never know when my health will "head south" as they say (i.e., worsen). And, as a bit of insurance against contractor problems, I'm buying most of the things that they have to install. But things are starting to slow down regarding condo set up, at least as far as what can be done before I actually own the unit.

I must say, however, that my health and the condo prep has been a good diversion from thinking about mom and family. There's no getting around the idea that she's happier where she is now (from a Christian standpoint), but it's hard to deal with all the suffering she'd gone through prior to her death. Lately I've thought about it a bit as things otherwise slow down for me some.

***

Here's the real trigger to my writing today, though. I got a call from a cousin, who's a Christian and has spent some time with mom and my brother in recent years, after dad's death 5 years ago in particular. She called yesterday to ask my forgiveness for her not believing me about my concerns about how my brother there was treating mom. It turns out that since mom's death she's seen the angry side of him that she hadn't seen before, and now one of this cousin's brothers (who isn't a Christian) doesn't want anything to do with my brother because of his anger.

In these kinds of things it's not really appropriate to gloat about being right, because it would be better if I hadn't have been right, and mom's the one that suffered. I've told you here how I've been stymied at ways to help mom, but that mom and dad had things set up so that my influence in family matters was negligible, but my brothers played a major role also in making sure things were set up that way. Still, I'm sorry that mom had to suffer in this way - from my brother. But I hope that you will also see that people eventually come to recognize that I'm right in many of my interpretations of events and people. While it would probably be foolish to claim to be right all the time, I hope you can see that at the very least my perspectives on things probably should not be dismissed lightly. My family had build up an informal mechanism for keeping family issues secret and this mechanism could even fool people close to them, but I saw it for something otherwise (than what they wanted people to believe) and stuck to my beliefs with the conviction that I had enough to go on that I was convinced I was right. One other thing you can learn about me from this is that I don't change convictions easily and also I'm not afraid of going against the flow in my thinking.

It's hard, really, to deal with getting this confirmation that mom was abused by my brother (emotionally and verbally if not physically). The fact that I did as much as I could to try to help maybe alleviates any guilt feeling I might have, but it doesn't help the sorrow of this confirmation that she experienced this kind of treatment. You can see from other things I've written here that my relationship with mom has sometimes been rocky, but in all actuality, I think the ultimate cause of this goes back to the men in our family and the fact that mom was so dependent on them and they were so "persuasive" in affecting her views on things.

In the weeks or couple months before mom's death she had told me that she and dad didn't know about the things I'm writing here. But the thing is that they couldn't have known because I didn't trust dad enough to tell them. If dad had found out I was thinking or experiencing these things he would have very convincingly dismissed them and mom would have believed him and disbelieved me. It would have been very difficult for me to write some of these things things when dad was still alive.

***

I still have a couple more things I need to get done before I return to this blog in full force.

***

P.S. I got to thinking that there is one time when I messed up when I might have been able to maybe help mom. That was when I was living in New York and my brother and mom came out to visit me and my other brother and his boys (mom and brother in Pacific N.W. and other brother with his boys in New England; I was living in an apartment owned by my brother in New England, since I'd lost my second job for health reasons.

The scenario was that I hadn't had a holiday with the family in years so I went overboard on preparations. I should have spent more time with mom, but the thing is that after she left from that visit things would be exactly like they were before and it wasn't like she was going to start let me help her apart from my brothers' efforts. So these kinds of things felt to me manipulative ways to try to sort of suck me into the family "game playing" (in the socio-psychological sense of the term; other members of the family would undoubtedly deny there was any "game playing" going on). The last thing anyone in my family was ever going to do was let me have independent relations with mom. While dad was alive, he could maintain direct relations with me because he was astute at some of the familial issues and had clout enough to keep the upper hand. In any regard, no one in the family but me had any realistic potential of countering him. Dad, for example, was where the buck stopped as far as framing (of issues, individuals, events, etc.) went. I was the only one who questioned him with any conviction. I think I was able to do this because of things I'd experienced apart from the family, but also because of certain knowledge I'd gained and also because of my personality. My experiences independent from the family led to independence of judgement and change in some of my values and opinions. Under the purview of my family it would have been more difficult to come to these divergent perspectives, so the geographic and attitudinal distance combined with certain personality traits provided the opportunity to diverge from our family mindset. One of the personality traits that allowed me this opportunity was that of being independent in nature, which dad blamed for my problems in Vienna with the mission. I will remind you, however, that independent of thought is a well-known American value, which Alexis de Tocqueville in his famous book "Democracy in America" noted in the 19th century. Americans valued independence so much that they speer-headed the unfettered free trade movement in the 20th century. I mean the kind of free trade that is unencumbered with legal limitations and lets the market go where it will. Let's just say that I'm the embodiment of that value and Americans should recognize me as their true child that I am, independent spirit and all. (I hope you understand I'm speaking tongue in cheek here.) And dad, who was quite politicized, held to republican hands-off rule, where the rights individuals and businesses aren't encroached upon by big government. In other words, he valued independence... except, it would appear, in me. Or maybe it wasn't so much that I was the problem as it was that there were limitations to his valuing of independence and I fit into one of these exceptions to the right-of-freedom belief. Or possibly, he was just acknowledging how in reality things worked, but in any case, I felt that he agreed with the limitations of freedom thrust on me (by the mission in Vienna, etc.), so my independence in this particular situation was out of line, and those attempting to limit my independence were right in limiting me. In this case, however, one must try to disentangle what was independence acceptable and when wasn't it, or what kind of independence was acceptable and what kind wasn't.

Anyway, this is all to say that I might have helped mom during her visit to New England, when I was living there. But since I wasn't going to join in the family relations as they were, this help would just have been a short-lived event, until they returned back home and my brother there would once again be the one to come between me and any help mom might get. The only way my help could have been more enduring would have been if she would have stepped in so that I could on an ongoing basis have direct access to her to help her. That wasn't going to happen, because doing this was beyond what she could accept emotionally. Giving me that kind of access to her would be tacitly (if not actively) acknowledging that our family was something other than idyllic.

280. Still Another Reprieve

I can't believe it's been so long since I've written here. In one sense a lot has happened since I last wrote here, but in another sense not much has happened.

Regarding the "not much" perspective, I've been mainly on a mad pursuit to get the condo set up before my spinal problem (identified as being at T11-T12, where my first spinal surgery was in 2008) took over and I couldn't work on it any more. I was also trying to get it how I wanted it and keep on budget, which was somewhat of a tall order, but now I'm pretty sure I can do it. The thing is, though, that I've been doing like 99% of this sitting at the computer because I didn't feel up to driving around town, although early on I visited 3 or 4 stores, including the local Ikea. All this while I've been keeping dilligent records and I have an Excel workbook populated with many spreadsheets and links and notes too many to count (well, I guess I could if I really wanted to, which I don't).

Another aspect of the "not much" part of my recent life, is that because of my health I've pretty much been limited to medical appointments, the grocery store and drug store. I think it's safe to say that everyone at the drugstore knows me by face and go fetch my prescriptions without my having to identify myself, although they make me cite my address because that's a store policy. Also, the physical therapy people all know me quite well too. I think we're coming upon a full 12-month run of non-stop physical therapy, interrupted only by my cervical surgery in January.

My offer on the condo is still with the bank and last I heard they wanted to do another property assessment, although my lawyer and realtor both think this is just routine and nothing to get concerned about.

This week my health took a dive for the worst but I think we've got all the imaging, nerve conduction tests, etc. done now. I'm having to be ultra careful about twisting, turning or lifting because my legs are much worse and my g.i. system is taking a hit, so it's nothing to mess around with. I have to at least maintain my current status until Aug. 23 when I see the neurosurgeon after he returns from vacation. I want to try to have continuity of care and not jump around from doctor to doctor, although there reaches a point where if I woke up one morning completely paralyzed from the waist down I wouldn't hesitate to call 9-1-1 (the aid care) and could end out with a different neurosurgeon.

Another way in which some things have happened since I last wrote is that my relationship with one of my brothers seems to have taken a dive for the worst also. That is, I came out with some recent things that really made me mad (including something from this winter that mom told me and which put new light on him). I haven't heard since from him, so I assume that's not good. He's got lots of support where he is so I'm sure he can get along quite well without me. He's the one that is still where we were all raised, so there's church, family and long-time friends there. Of course, the fact that he didn't want to answer my accusations makes me all the more think there really is something to it. I don't think I need to go into the details right now though.

I've packed a few things away and some people from church came and helped move things around so we could pile boxes that would be out of the way. I'm not doing much more box filling right now, though, partly because of my back, but also because I don't have many more boxes and am not up to scrounging around for more. But I don't think I should be doing that kind of thing (and it was, I think, my moving boxes of books out of a wardrobe-type container that I'm getting rid of and am going to need the space for more furniture coming, which will have to be moved eventually to the new place) which is responsible for the downturn in my health.

I packed up all the materials I was using for this blog, except for the current file. Maybe in my health-related inactivity I'll be able to work a little more on it again soon. But I still haven't sent out thank you notes to those who sent in donations in mom's name to the church. I was going to do that last Tuesday when I woke up so much worse (after moving boxes of books).

One of the things mom said the last few months of her life was that some of the things I've been writing here she and dad weren't aware of. Part of the reason for that was that, starting in the mid '80s when I was in Chicago I began to have a hunch that dad's work was affecting me and I began to lose trust in him. He was always "right" and I think it would have been foolish for me to just come up to him and tell him what I was thinking. I learned by experience after my return from Russia that he would agree with me on these kinds of things only if it would publicly make him look bad not to. I don't think mom understood these things, just like she didn't understand she shouldn't have told my brother about my concern about seeing him hit his son. So even if I had told her and dad, dad would have convinced her I was wrong.

Anyway, I'm still in the land of the living, albeit not in the best of health, and I haven't forgotten this blog. My current dilemma I'm trying to resolve is how to carry dirty laundry across the hall to my storage/laundry room (each unit in the complex has such a room external to the unit itself) and then bring the clean laundry back. What I would like is a 3 part sorting cart with a lid on it and a rack for hanging clean clothes and linens and a compartment for clean folded items. I want it to be easy to use and discrete so the whole world doesn't see my dirty laundry (they see enough of it here on this blog - sorry, I couldn't resist that one). It appears that such an item does not exist, or at least has evaded me in my Google searches to date. I think I'm going to have to have separate carts, one for bringing dirty things to the laundry machine and the other for bringing clean things back into the apartment.

278. Reprieve: Anger

I'm sure even the casual reader has picked up that I have a fair amount of anger built up. It's just that my whole life since about 1987 (or earlier) has more or less been like what I've been describing the past year's events. The people, places and specific issues have changed, but it boils down to one set of crises followed by another just like you see here. It would be foolish to claim that my decisions, actions and words never played a part, but a lot of it was out of my control, like what you see here. Just in the past year, the examples include:

1) Losing 2 good career jobs due to health that was basically outside of my control.

2) Egregious (I think) medical care/blundering (at times)

3) Difficult family (and other) relationships

I don't think I tend towards anger, except when I feel like I'm not being taken seriously, being (what appears to be) intentionally misunderstood, and being mistreated, especially in relation to those who I think should know better and are being the problem through some kind of self-interest and/or ill-intent and it is regarding something that has a major impact on me. Then when I feel helpless in such situations I might turn to anger. But, as has been pointed out, absent a direct means of expressing my anger that I feel might be affective, I turn to passive aggression. This, of course, is not healthy, and I know it. So my response tends to be to retreat in to myself so that I can limit these kinds of interactions, especially when I feel otherwise vulnerable for some reason (such as too many of these things going on at once, no support network, precarious finances, etc.).

I think after I graduated from college (undergraduate) I started taking more initiative at coming to my own understanding of the world (at least the parts of it that were relevant to me), and I haven't been satisfied with letting others take over that task for me. This can lead to difficulties, however. For example, over time I have developed strong views about the Church, politics, culture, etc. and these views don't easily mesh with any particular group I might find myself a part of. Also, if I find myself in situations and/or relationships where I feel like someone (or some group) is trying (consciously or otherwise, directly or otherwise) to change me (especially forcefully), I set up my defenses against that effort. And if I feel that there isn't a way to correct such efforts in relation to me, then I might develop some anger about it.

In the situation with the brother about the condo reserves, I think there were probably several things going on. One is that he may well have wanted (consciously or otherwise) to feel useful and even important. But he is probably also trying to find a way to deal with his grief about the loss of mom, and he may well need to feel useful, at least. Also, I think he really does want the best for me because he knows that I don't have many options and resources open to me and so he doesn't want me to get into a mess and have everything crash around me if the condo association has problems.

Despite all that, however, there really was, as far as I'm concerned no need for him to send that report to me because I had already made clear that my former condo complex had a lot of money (although I no longer have the records and so don't know the exact figures) and I understood what the risk was. The thing is that I don't expect him to understand what I want and need and that I have found no other complex in the area that would work for me.

Also, this is how I predict things could happen:

1. I buy a unit in this complex (with practically no reserves), and my brothers might not visit me (because it is a nice complex and the sibling rivalry would kick in and it would not be in their positional advantage to visit me).

2. I buy something cheaper where the complex has more reserves, and my brothers might visit me and treat me patronizingly because they know they are in a superior position housing-wise, so it is their advantage to visit me to rub that in.

In neither situation, however, will my brothers truly help me, or they will only help me in such a way as to undermine my independence, and perhaps in a way that is not necessarily in my best interests. That is, they might help me only in a way that benefits them.

I'm 51 years old and the oldest of the 3 of us, and I am speaking this way from all these years og experience in this birth family.

277. Reprieve: Family (What's Left of It)

My stimulator finished and I've finished breakfast and I've been trying to pen an e-mail to one of my brothers. Should I send it or not? The thing is, it will probably backfire, he will probably deny everything, but I'd like to think we can be open about our thoughts and have an "adult" relationship. My sense is we can't.

Using Transactional Analysis as a framework, this is how adult (age-wise) relationships between my (birth) family have worked:

1. Women are "children" in the transactional analysis sense, both abolutely and in relation to men.

2. Men are "adults" in absolute terms, and "parents" in relation to women.

3. The men like this relation vis a vis women, and might even feel less "manly" if the relationship were otherwise (e.g., "adult" to "adult").

4. I think my mother liked her position (although it's possible she didn't always like it).

5. I (a female) don't like it.

6. Growing up I didn't understand that women were supposed to be like "children," in relation to men especially.

Here's the e-mail so far (name's omitted):

***

I just wanted to say something in follow up to yesterday's interactions. I understand that you only want to help and you think you have my best interests in mind, but I really want to live my own life. You didn't need to send me your reserves study, because I already understood the issues and I really can take care of things on my own here. I don't want you and [our other brother] to be so intimately involved in my life. I'm an adult and I really can make decisions on my own.

I think this family is sort of too insular and dependent on each other. In situations like this you only need to express the basic issues and then you can step back. I don't want you to try to keep harping at this kind of thing, because it's my life and I'm going to live it as I see fit. Again, you are not my husband and don't need to keep at it and at it and at it trying to muscle your way into my life - that's how it feels, so no matter what your intentions, so please step back. If you don't know how to relate to me in any way other than trying to always help me, then I'm going to have to limit our relations, meaning limiting interactions between us, which I don't really want to do.

After so many years, I hope you understand my personality enough to know that I like my independence. If you don't know how to give advice and then let me make my own decision (that is not harp on it) and can't find some other way to relate to me other than on the basis of always just wanting to "help" me, then our relationship is going to be very rocky. I need to be very blunt about this to make sure you understand, and to be very honest with you I'm not sure you'll understand anyway.

In the current situation I have issues to keep in mind that I don't expect you to understand and it may not even be any of your business what some of the issues are. I don't agree with everything you've done, but I don't keep harping at it. I don't even go around saying that you made your bed now sleep in it, although there are things I could say that about both you and [our other brother] in that regard (as well as both of you being able to say that about me too). But do I go around butting into your business saying, oh, no you need to do thus and so? No, I don't, I let you live your own lives. If I disagree strongly enough with either of you, I just step back and let you live your own life.

As far as I see it, trying to help me can have different purposes, as to why you might want to keep helping me. Besides the possibility of just plain and simple trying to help me, taking a helping role might help bolster your self esteem or perhaps increase your standing in the family. But this basically is happening by trying to make me look somehow less than you in one way or another. That is, your self esteem is bolstered so long as your relationship with (certain?) others is a certain way, and/or your view of ideal family relations is hierarchical, so you have a need to position yourself so you don't come out at the bottom.

This ignores the male-female issue. You, [our other brother and his sons] can go ahead and have our male bonding thing, that's fine with me. But you leave it there. I am not accepting your attributions of female expectations, and if your bonding explicitly or implicitly means that there are different expectations for me as a woman and/or my role in the family is defined mainly (or completely) by my gender, then I opt out. So now is the time to make these things clear.

And before you get all huffy about these things, you should just know that there some people who understand the gendered aspects of our family relationships, people who have come to this understanding on their own.

It's been quite a while since I've dated much and my health precludes the likelihood of this happening much in the future (not that I necessarily want to date anyway, because I'm rather happily single), but my experience is that many men don't understand a middle ground; either they want an all-out relationship with a woman (i.e., dating vs. friend; "going together" vs. casual dating, etc. ), or they want no relationship at all with her. In our case, it would be something like, you-the-helper and me-the-needy or no relationship at all. You have to come out on top or there's no relationship at all. That's how it feels at this end of the relationship.

This is how I foresee the future relationship between me and you and [our other brother] : The only way I will see you again is by my coming to Seattle. It's possible I could never see [our other brother] and the boys again, but if I do or if I see you in a situation other than my coming to Seattle it will be under the circumstances that you are more powerful than me, such as in a situation where you are "helping" me. This is unacceptable, and as things stand, I see my options as either opting out of the family or accepting being strong-armed into a "needy" position vis a vis you and/or [our other brother].

I should send this to [our other brother] too, but the context is yesterday's interactions about the condo. I'm not going to tell you all the issues involved in my decision making about the condo, because I don't expect you to understand and also because I want to live my life. I appreciate your advice about the condo, but you've started overstepping your bounds. There's nothing more I need from you regarding the condo, including setting things up. You've got a lot of good skills and knowledge, and you shouldn't need me to tell you that... unless you're insecure. So, let me be and if you want to help someone, go find a place to volunteer your services. I'm putting it like this because 1) you don't seem to know your bounds as to how much help might be appropriate, and 2) I think you don't know how to relate to me apart from "helping" me.

Before yesterday's interactions, I was sort of thinking that you could come down here at some point to just relax. But now I'm thinking that might be a pipe dream, for several reasons. 1) You're more likely to go to New York, where you'll have more fun and it would be better for you in the long run to maintain those relations, and 2) if you came down here it would not be to relax but to help me and maybe also relax some. In any case, you don't need me, although you might need [our other brother] and the boys. The need between you and [our other brother] is probably mutual.

***

He won't be able to accept this. He will protest vehemently about my assertions here and he will only be able to accept an all or nothing relationship - meaning our relationship is parent-child (with him as the "parent") or we don't have a relationship. The same is probably true for my other brother, mainly because of his vulnerability with his boys and living on his ex-wife's turf in small town America. Otherwise the other brother would be more able to have an adult to adult relationship with me. Also, we have major disagreements that he can't risk blowing up through closer contact.

Should I send this e-mail or not? Or should communicate these sentiments but in a different way? If I don't communicate them things will just go on as they are, which I can't accept either. If I just step back he may well not let the issue drop and insist on continuing to play the "parent" role, especially since this is an area where he is knowledgeable (it's his profession, after all). I don't know what to do, so I think I'll sit on it. If it persists, maybe I'll send it.

***

Post Script:

This is what happened yesterday: In the morning my brother e-mailed me a copy of the reserve study where he works. Later, after work, he called me en route to an appointment to discuss it and also, apparently, to underline that the information in the report is confidential.

First of all, we'd already hashed this out and I had told him (more than once, I believe) that my last condo had a lot in reserve, although I no longer have copies of those summaries we got at our annual business meeting. I had absolutely no need to have that information from my brother as I already understood and had people (a lawyer, financial adviser) here who were likewise concerned and we didn't need his involvement at all.

I hope you see how degrading this could be - it's basically telling me that he doesn't think I can make a decision like this on my own.

First of all, it's my life and I'm an adult and able to make my own decisions. My value structure and priorities are also my own and I am under no obligation to divulge them to my brothers. While the financial considerations in my decision are important, there are also other issues at stake, and whenever my brothers weigh in on anything it is actually, as it always turns out, more for their benefit - to serve their interests - than it is for my benefit and to serve my interests. For the immediate time it may look like it's for my interests, but it always turns out otherwise, and I've been down that road too many times with my family.

But usually if I stand my ground, that means I'll just be isolated, although dad was probably the one who was least likely to act this way in the family. Dad's helping me might have included a desire to minimize fallout from anything to do with his work affecting me, but he wouldn't isolate me. Mom could isolate me, but this was probably at least in part due to being in a weak position herself and not knowing who to believe or if she believed me there would be a great response from the other family member (depending on what the issue was).

I hope you can begin to see how I'm in a dilemma about who to name as benefactor(s), who to have power of attorney (in case I become incapacitated), etc. I just would like to have straight adult-to-adult relationships with family members, but the more of these things you add to the mix, the more there is the problem of inequality of power and if power is a significant issue in relations, than these issues (naming of benefactors, etc.) are not an insignificant ones. Also, I think in this kind of scenario - how my birth family functions - naming someone a benefactor is tantamount to saying I'm willing to play the child in a parent-child relationship with the person named my benefactor. I would also add that I am no one's benefactor, power of attorney, etc. So it's very much stacked against me, and virtually my only recourse is getting out or just accepting it and somehow playing along. This is what I did in Vienna and was told at the end my my main mentor that I was like the little school boy who, when he was sitting down in response to the teacher's demand, said that he was standing up on the inside. I think it's hard to keep this conflict up indefinitely, though (disagreeing but going along anyway).

So then my choices, basically, are 1) to opt out of the family (maintaining my beliefs & values and have thought-action congruity), 2) maintain relations and continue to deal with these issues but try to maintain my independence of thought (maintaining my beliefs & values and have thought-action incongruity), or 3) just give in (adapting my beliefs and values and have thought- action congruity).

I can think of a myriad ways any of these could play out and it might be possible to partially do any of them, but that's dependent on whether my brothers (the other parties remaining in the family) agree, because relationships are usually not unilateral ones. I'm skeptical that there's anyway to combine these 3 options, as I'm having a tough time thinking of how that could happen. The place where there might involve some variance is when you consider that the other party(-ies) could also opt for either 1, 2 or 3. In this case if we all went for option 3, we'd all be willing to relate to each other as adults and deal with these things on equal terms and in a respectful way. Respect, I should mention, disallows bullying, use of any type of putdowns, inequality in relations, not taking the other person seriously, etc. Let's just say that it would be a major miracle (think parting of the Red Sea) for all parties to take the third option in relation to each other. Maybe my brothers relate to each other this way, but they don't relate to me this way... which I theorize is because I have a vagina. (Sorry to be crude, but that's really what it comes down to, although that's not to say that's the only difference between us.)

274. Continued Reprieve

I suppose I should be numbering these "reprieve" entries. I want to continue calling them reprieves, though, because they are interruptions from my regular posting about my history, which currently means the "organizational behavior" file article comments.

There are a few things that have happened that I would like to comment on here. One involves family and the other is regarding church. These are the main things I want to discuss here.

Regarding family, I decided about a week ago I wanted a break from the close communications with my brothers. At the end of my phone conversation with one of my brothers saying how I couldn't believe I'd forgotten my physical therapy appointment, he made a comment comparing me to mom but saying at least I didn't do it repeatedly (that was the gist of his comment). This made me thing that he (if not both of my brothers) were going to look for chances to find me with emotional problems similar to mom. This I understand to be because that's the script the family has for me (which I think was laid out by dad years ago, which may have served, at least in part, to let dad off the hook for the impact his work has had on me. It also undoubtedly served to keep the male and female distinction all that much clearer in the family, regarding roles, stereotypical characteristics and expectations by other members of the family.)

This brief comment had several implications for me. One was that it demonstrated that nothing had changed with mom's death, and that they were still going to look for ways that I am like mom. I attribute this to being at least in part because they have a vested interest in maintaining their privileged position in the family, where the men "where the pants" so to speak. But, as I told my brothers a few weeks ago in an e-mail, I am not their wife and they are not my "head" (I Cor. 11: 3ff). That is, if they want to wear the pants in reference to a woman they are going to have to find themselves wives, because I'm not going to let them play this role vis a vis myself. I understand that rejecting this type of relationship opens myself to being left completely alone, however, because I don't know that they know any other way to relate to women, so if they can't relate to me in this way they aren't going to relate to me in any way at all.

So anyway, the long and the short of it is that I haven't had contact with my brothers for a week or so now. I just told them in an e-mail that I needed some space, but I did comment about how I didn't want to be compared to mom. The fact that I missed one appointment does not make me like mom, it only means that I'm frazzled and at my limits as to how much I can take... which I hope the reader can understand if you've followed how much I've been through just in this one year alone, let alone what immediately preceded this year (i.e., before I started writing this blog). It's not like I am just laying down in bed depressed and not doing anything. Rather, my being at my limits (including declining health from the new stenosis) has resulted in me making errors on various fronts as I try to keep up with everything, but am not so successful at it despite my best efforts.

One thing I will say is that it's possible my brothers might not be completely conscious of doing this or taking this position, but, if I may, I'd like to make a comparison to another social reality that I learned about while in my doctoral studies (which I left before completing). That is, regarding white people's "superiority" as far as social positioning in U.S. culture is concerned. That is, being white has it's advantages here. As far as an individual white person's belief about this in regards to his or her self is concerned, they may deny this as being true, and really believe that there is no difference, at least as far as he or she is concerned. But for the people on the other end of the stick - the non-whites - they feel it more clearly and are more sensitive to this kind of thing because they know they have to overcome this social inequality to be able to function on an even keel with whites. The advantaged party in this kind of relationship is more or less blind to inequalities, but the less advantaged party experiences it more clearly. This is the case with being woman in relation to men in many contexts too.

But my brothers may also be more aware of this relationship with women, and maybe with me in particular, than I give them credit for, in as much as they may realize their is sibling rivalry going on and they understand that the male card is one way they can try to maintain or gain superiority over me (or at least equality with me if they feel like they are disadvantaged in some other non-gender-related way). Also, they may have this image of maleness that disallows for a woman being strong. Having a strong woman, I suspect, can have at least two implications. One is that the woman could be labeled a "feminist," which is a bad thing. The other is that the existence of a strong woman could mean that they are emasculated, failing in their manliness whereby they should be the caretaker and authority over women (or at least women they have close relations with).

It may seem like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, that is, reading more into a passing comment than is warranted. But I've been in this family 51 years now and my experience and understanding leads me to understand that this comment rests on an underlying pathological (in my opinion) mental construct.

The other thing I'd like to bring out from this brief exchange is how it exemplifies that men (cp. In the Company of Women) don't reveal their weaknesses and to do so is seen as weakness. The context of my admission of having forgotten that physical therapy appointment was in my explaining how I was getting overwhelmed and not keeping up with things very well - that there are just too many things going on in my life. The fact that that brother should verbally compare me to mom (who missed several appointments in the past several months, often for very real physical problems that had nothing to do with her emotional health), is somewhat ironic, however, because the paperwork he sent me regarding the estate had a few pages stapled out of order and one page in duplicate. So he is also having trouble keeping up with things and, if the golden rule is in play here, how he treated me is how he himself would like to be treated. In this case, I would say that when dad died they found his then recent affairs uncharacteristically not in as good an order as one would think considering he was a program manager in the control of very expensive military contract programs. That is, towards the end of his life he wasn't doing so well. I'm not sure how I can compare my brother to him in this situation, however. Might it mean that my brother will die shortly? Or maybe he is becoming overwhelmed with the care of his handicapped son similar to how dad was becoming overwhelmed with the care for mom, especially after she had attempted suicide that winter. This is the kind of thinking that one might expect in a tit for tat comparison of weakness of (adult) children following the weakness of a same-gendered parent. The logic, I think, is rather faulty, but this is how my brother apparently thinks. Or maybe he doesn't want a tit for tat (or "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" thought process.

***

The other thing that I would like to discuss here involves church. Months ago pastor decided to have a membership class with me and another person who'd indicated an interest in joining the church. To accommodate me with my health limitations, he'd offered to have the 3 orientation sessions at my place and even brought the other person here. From the beginning he set timelines so that we could be brought into the church at such and such a specific Sunday. There were a couple delays because of the other person or him. And then somewhere along the line they decided to have refreshments after church on the day were were publicly admitted as members. Towards the end, though, as I was feeling worse and worse and not attending church regularly (first because of being away when mom died and then not wanting to try to attend the Mother's Day service, followed by declining health.

The week before the service he said that he might have us both share our testimony and do something during the service, and asked me to read Scripture. The middle of the week before the induction I e-mailed him that I was getting worse and didn't want to be asked to do anything extra besides just doing the vows, but later that day he called to ask me to read Scripture, saying he was also asking the other person to do something. It seemed to me that he hadn't read my e-mail yet; otherwise, if he was intentionally ignoring it, that would have worse implications as to what was going on. He was so enthusiastic and made it difficult to opt out, so I rather reluctantly agreed to do it. In the above discussed conversation with my brother I told him about what was going on and he said to just say no.

Meanwhile, I was keeping him and the church updated as to my health issues and finally late last weak I e-mailed him saying I was feeling pressured and "railroaded" into doing more than I could and I said I couldn't promise I would be at church on Sunday because I was feeling so badly. Rather in alarm the pastor called me and said that people were bringing refreshments and making rather a big effort to...

June 14, 2011

I can't remember what interrupted me when I started this post, but I'll try to pick up where I left off.

... celebrate the entrance of 3 new members to the church. He suggested someone drive me to church, so I agreed and a while later he called to let me know about the arrangements to get me to church... but we'd find someone at the time to take me home.

I was feeling so crummy that I didn't even stand for any of the singing and they even had to bring a chair up for me to sit on when taking the vows. I stayed long enough to get just enough refreshments to take my noon meds & supplements, which included pain medicine. One couple had kindly prepared cards to welcome each of us, which was a nice gesture. Otherwise, me and the other gal who had gone through the orientation classes together sat at a small table alone and I was really feeling so badly that I even forgot her name, if you can imagine that! I was so bad off that I should not have been there and I think everyone recognized that and it was pretty awkward.

It would have been better to just say that I was ill and couldn't make it, instead of going through all that to get me there. I felt like I was sort of an object, something to add to someone's trophy case. To make it worse, no one from church has even contacted me since.

***

Well, I'll leave that subject for now.

The past couple of weeks have been a wild roller coaster of crises regarding my health and/or the condo search. I asked for some space from my brothers, which allowed me to sort of shelve the whole family thing, including dealing with mom's death. I was in survival mode, which is something, in case you haven't figured that out yet, that I'm quite familiar with. At least my doctors this time around have been on the ball and everyone's doing what they're supposed to be doing, which is a tremendous relief, to say the least. What I went through with the cervical thing this past fall and winter is something that was mostly avoidable... that is, my symptoms should have been dealt with quicker and better. Well, eventually they were handled well, once I found someone who was willing and able to do something about the problem.

This condo thing has been pretty stressful at times, though, and I think my realtor and I have at times had a bit of a love-hate relationship. Well, both of those terms (love and hate) actually exaggerate things, but you get the idea (I hope).

Today and tomorrow could potentially be watersheds in my living situation. This afternoon I meet with my financial adviser and hopefully things will begin to solidify in that regard, although it's still not 100% what my ongoing housing costs will be. Then tomorrow me, my realtor, the listing agent and a general contractor are all convening at the current unit of interest. This should lead to a pretty good estimate of what it would cost from the repair and renovation standpoint (i.e., not counting furniture). I'm trying to stay within a certain amount and I've been spending a lot of time on line trying to realistically figure things out.

For example, I've found various on-line venders that sell everything from furniture (general or specialized), blinds, flooring, paint, blinds, etc. I found 6 venders that have at least one option for each of my main needs (such as dinette set, patio furniture, etc.). Then I went through and selected the best in each category from each vender. The total costs range from about $13k to about $22k. But that's not counting shipping. I've found that most venders have free "curb side shipping," which means they delivery truck will park in front of the building. Beyond that, it's up to you to take it off the truck, bring it inside, bring it in the room of choice, unpack it, and assemble it (if necessary). That is, if you want those things you can have them... for a price. To learn the price for a particular item you usually have to call to ask about it. However, several venders to offer free "white glove" service on specific items, usually the more expensive ones, like large wall sets or china cabinets. Nevertheless, going through this process has let me know what might be reasonable to expect as far as how much to spend on furniture and what types of things are out there to choose between. I've been hampered by my health in doing much running around to local stores, though.

But beyond that I've turned to focus more on preparations for tomorrow's meeting with the general contractor. If the contractor is going to give me a useful and more accurate estimate, I have to provide certain information. For example, cabinet refacing, which this unit needs in the kitchen and also both bathrooms. It would be helpful if I suggested what type of cabinetry I'd like, including hardware. And the flooring and blinds/shades are even more important, because what type of flooring and blinds affect the installation process which directly affects the cost of installation. So I have to have these things reasonably decided upon.

The emotional part of all this has involved things like my realtor getting impatient with me, the interface between me, my lawyer, the realtor, the selling agent, the selling agent's lawyer, the seller, etc. And these communciations are generally not direct but funneled through someone else. Sometimes time has been of the essence. Sometimes it seems as if there has been some miscommunication, etc.

***

As to my health, I had an epidural shot last Thursday for the lumbar. The neuro-surgeon thinks it's lumbar, but the neurologist suspects it's thoracic. I don't have the results of the thoracic MRI yet, although I have the images themselves, which they gave me right afterwards. The thoracic MRI was problematic because hardware from my first spinal diskectomy & fusion (T11-L1) interfered with the imaging, so I had to re-schedule at another location (same company) where they had an open MRI.

Having the epidural allowed me to stop the tramadol, as I was up to 100 mg four times a day. But yesterday and today I've taken 50 mg at lunch.

The past week and a half my legs have been bothering me more, meaning it's become harder to walk. I had a couple good days in there, but it seems to be getting more constant. So whereas the epidural can help the pain, it can't necessarily help the other neurological symptoms, such as muscle weakness. Also, my gastrointestinal system has been affected and a few weeks ago I was prescribed this stuff you drink before having a colonoscopy. Then I was told I could increase my genrlac to 30 ml twice a day (up from once a day). The increased genrlac has helped a lot.

***

Last weekend I started getting caught up on some things so that I didn't feel so all over the place and focused only on whatever was happening at the moment. I hadn't had any contact with my brothers until yesterday and I think that was good, to have that break. Also, having so much to do with such urgency has helped keep my mind of mom and the family. Eventually that will catch up with me, but hopefully by then it will be more manageable to deal with constructively. In this regard, I've been more fortunate than my brothers because they've been working all this time on things regarding mom and even if they've been busy they haven't had the benefit of being able to step back from it. I did scan in and e-mail them a few more sympathy cards I received from the notices I sent out (from all of us). When I get the list, I will likewise send out thank you notes to those who made donations to the church in mom's name. But this is a lot less intense and demanding then the kind of things my brothers have been doing.

***

Well, this is a long enough post, so I'm going to end here. Can you believe my life? If I told you I feel like my whole life has been like this since more or less 1987 would you believe me? I won't make firm statements about whether or not I'm sane or how sane I might be, but I do think that altogether I've dealt reasonably well with everything I've faced. That doesn't mean I've always done everything right though (who has?), or that I haven't had my moments when things got to me. But I think all in all I'm a pretty strong person and fairly observant. I may be too analytical for my own good, but sometimes I feel like I'm treated like a "dumb blond" or "just a woman" or "an easy push over", and I think being observant and intentionally reflective has been one way to deal with these attitudes from others. I'm not saying it's the best way, just that it's something I do and I think it's at least a fairly good approach, especially within my personality.

***

One more thing: I know it may seem like I'll never get back to the chronology, but that's how I've felt about a good part of my life for years now. I'm always thinking things will normalize and then when it appears they are I start to take advantage of that and WHAM! something throws everything out of kilter again and off I go on another crisis and/or tangent...