I suppose I should be numbering these "reprieve" entries. I want to continue calling them reprieves, though, because they are interruptions from my regular posting about my history, which currently means the "organizational behavior" file article comments.
There are a few things that have happened that I would like to comment on here. One involves family and the other is regarding church. These are the main things I want to discuss here.
Regarding family, I decided about a week ago I wanted a break from the close communications with my brothers. At the end of my phone conversation with one of my brothers saying how I couldn't believe I'd forgotten my physical therapy appointment, he made a comment comparing me to mom but saying at least I didn't do it repeatedly (that was the gist of his comment). This made me thing that he (if not both of my brothers) were going to look for chances to find me with emotional problems similar to mom. This I understand to be because that's the script the family has for me (which I think was laid out by dad years ago, which may have served, at least in part, to let dad off the hook for the impact his work has had on me. It also undoubtedly served to keep the male and female distinction all that much clearer in the family, regarding roles, stereotypical characteristics and expectations by other members of the family.)
This brief comment had several implications for me. One was that it demonstrated that nothing had changed with mom's death, and that they were still going to look for ways that I am like mom. I attribute this to being at least in part because they have a vested interest in maintaining their privileged position in the family, where the men "where the pants" so to speak. But, as I told my brothers a few weeks ago in an e-mail, I am not their wife and they are not my "head" (I Cor. 11: 3ff). That is, if they want to wear the pants in reference to a woman they are going to have to find themselves wives, because I'm not going to let them play this role vis a vis myself. I understand that rejecting this type of relationship opens myself to being left completely alone, however, because I don't know that they know any other way to relate to women, so if they can't relate to me in this way they aren't going to relate to me in any way at all.
So anyway, the long and the short of it is that I haven't had contact with my brothers for a week or so now. I just told them in an e-mail that I needed some space, but I did comment about how I didn't want to be compared to mom. The fact that I missed one appointment does not make me like mom, it only means that I'm frazzled and at my limits as to how much I can take... which I hope the reader can understand if you've followed how much I've been through just in this one year alone, let alone what immediately preceded this year (i.e., before I started writing this blog). It's not like I am just laying down in bed depressed and not doing anything. Rather, my being at my limits (including declining health from the new stenosis) has resulted in me making errors on various fronts as I try to keep up with everything, but am not so successful at it despite my best efforts.
One thing I will say is that it's possible my brothers might not be completely conscious of doing this or taking this position, but, if I may, I'd like to make a comparison to another social reality that I learned about while in my doctoral studies (which I left before completing). That is, regarding white people's "superiority" as far as social positioning in U.S. culture is concerned. That is, being white has it's advantages here. As far as an individual white person's belief about this in regards to his or her self is concerned, they may deny this as being true, and really believe that there is no difference, at least as far as he or she is concerned. But for the people on the other end of the stick - the non-whites - they feel it more clearly and are more sensitive to this kind of thing because they know they have to overcome this social inequality to be able to function on an even keel with whites. The advantaged party in this kind of relationship is more or less blind to inequalities, but the less advantaged party experiences it more clearly. This is the case with being woman in relation to men in many contexts too.
But my brothers may also be more aware of this relationship with women, and maybe with me in particular, than I give them credit for, in as much as they may realize their is sibling rivalry going on and they understand that the male card is one way they can try to maintain or gain superiority over me (or at least equality with me if they feel like they are disadvantaged in some other non-gender-related way). Also, they may have this image of maleness that disallows for a woman being strong. Having a strong woman, I suspect, can have at least two implications. One is that the woman could be labeled a "feminist," which is a bad thing. The other is that the existence of a strong woman could mean that they are emasculated, failing in their manliness whereby they should be the caretaker and authority over women (or at least women they have close relations with).
It may seem like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, that is, reading more into a passing comment than is warranted. But I've been in this family 51 years now and my experience and understanding leads me to understand that this comment rests on an underlying pathological (in my opinion) mental construct.
The other thing I'd like to bring out from this brief exchange is how it exemplifies that men (cp. In the Company of Women) don't reveal their weaknesses and to do so is seen as weakness. The context of my admission of having forgotten that physical therapy appointment was in my explaining how I was getting overwhelmed and not keeping up with things very well - that there are just too many things going on in my life. The fact that that brother should verbally compare me to mom (who missed several appointments in the past several months, often for very real physical problems that had nothing to do with her emotional health), is somewhat ironic, however, because the paperwork he sent me regarding the estate had a few pages stapled out of order and one page in duplicate. So he is also having trouble keeping up with things and, if the golden rule is in play here, how he treated me is how he himself would like to be treated. In this case, I would say that when dad died they found his then recent affairs uncharacteristically not in as good an order as one would think considering he was a program manager in the control of very expensive military contract programs. That is, towards the end of his life he wasn't doing so well. I'm not sure how I can compare my brother to him in this situation, however. Might it mean that my brother will die shortly? Or maybe he is becoming overwhelmed with the care of his handicapped son similar to how dad was becoming overwhelmed with the care for mom, especially after she had attempted suicide that winter. This is the kind of thinking that one might expect in a tit for tat comparison of weakness of (adult) children following the weakness of a same-gendered parent. The logic, I think, is rather faulty, but this is how my brother apparently thinks. Or maybe he doesn't want a tit for tat (or "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" thought process.
***
The other thing that I would like to discuss here involves church. Months ago pastor decided to have a membership class with me and another person who'd indicated an interest in joining the church. To accommodate me with my health limitations, he'd offered to have the 3 orientation sessions at my place and even brought the other person here. From the beginning he set timelines so that we could be brought into the church at such and such a specific Sunday. There were a couple delays because of the other person or him. And then somewhere along the line they decided to have refreshments after church on the day were were publicly admitted as members. Towards the end, though, as I was feeling worse and worse and not attending church regularly (first because of being away when mom died and then not wanting to try to attend the Mother's Day service, followed by declining health.
The week before the service he said that he might have us both share our testimony and do something during the service, and asked me to read Scripture. The middle of the week before the induction I e-mailed him that I was getting worse and didn't want to be asked to do anything extra besides just doing the vows, but later that day he called to ask me to read Scripture, saying he was also asking the other person to do something. It seemed to me that he hadn't read my e-mail yet; otherwise, if he was intentionally ignoring it, that would have worse implications as to what was going on. He was so enthusiastic and made it difficult to opt out, so I rather reluctantly agreed to do it. In the above discussed conversation with my brother I told him about what was going on and he said to just say no.
Meanwhile, I was keeping him and the church updated as to my health issues and finally late last weak I e-mailed him saying I was feeling pressured and "railroaded" into doing more than I could and I said I couldn't promise I would be at church on Sunday because I was feeling so badly. Rather in alarm the pastor called me and said that people were bringing refreshments and making rather a big effort to...
June 14, 2011
I can't remember what interrupted me when I started this post, but I'll try to pick up where I left off.
... celebrate the entrance of 3 new members to the church. He suggested someone drive me to church, so I agreed and a while later he called to let me know about the arrangements to get me to church... but we'd find someone at the time to take me home.
I was feeling so crummy that I didn't even stand for any of the singing and they even had to bring a chair up for me to sit on when taking the vows. I stayed long enough to get just enough refreshments to take my noon meds & supplements, which included pain medicine. One couple had kindly prepared cards to welcome each of us, which was a nice gesture. Otherwise, me and the other gal who had gone through the orientation classes together sat at a small table alone and I was really feeling so badly that I even forgot her name, if you can imagine that! I was so bad off that I should not have been there and I think everyone recognized that and it was pretty awkward.
It would have been better to just say that I was ill and couldn't make it, instead of going through all that to get me there. I felt like I was sort of an object, something to add to someone's trophy case. To make it worse, no one from church has even contacted me since.
***
Well, I'll leave that subject for now.
The past couple of weeks have been a wild roller coaster of crises regarding my health and/or the condo search. I asked for some space from my brothers, which allowed me to sort of shelve the whole family thing, including dealing with mom's death. I was in survival mode, which is something, in case you haven't figured that out yet, that I'm quite familiar with. At least my doctors this time around have been on the ball and everyone's doing what they're supposed to be doing, which is a tremendous relief, to say the least. What I went through with the cervical thing this past fall and winter is something that was mostly avoidable... that is, my symptoms should have been dealt with quicker and better. Well, eventually they were handled well, once I found someone who was willing and able to do something about the problem.
This condo thing has been pretty stressful at times, though, and I think my realtor and I have at times had a bit of a love-hate relationship. Well, both of those terms (love and hate) actually exaggerate things, but you get the idea (I hope).
Today and tomorrow could potentially be watersheds in my living situation. This afternoon I meet with my financial adviser and hopefully things will begin to solidify in that regard, although it's still not 100% what my ongoing housing costs will be. Then tomorrow me, my realtor, the listing agent and a general contractor are all convening at the current unit of interest. This should lead to a pretty good estimate of what it would cost from the repair and renovation standpoint (i.e., not counting furniture). I'm trying to stay within a certain amount and I've been spending a lot of time on line trying to realistically figure things out.
For example, I've found various on-line venders that sell everything from furniture (general or specialized), blinds, flooring, paint, blinds, etc. I found 6 venders that have at least one option for each of my main needs (such as dinette set, patio furniture, etc.). Then I went through and selected the best in each category from each vender. The total costs range from about $13k to about $22k. But that's not counting shipping. I've found that most venders have free "curb side shipping," which means they delivery truck will park in front of the building. Beyond that, it's up to you to take it off the truck, bring it inside, bring it in the room of choice, unpack it, and assemble it (if necessary). That is, if you want those things you can have them... for a price. To learn the price for a particular item you usually have to call to ask about it. However, several venders to offer free "white glove" service on specific items, usually the more expensive ones, like large wall sets or china cabinets. Nevertheless, going through this process has let me know what might be reasonable to expect as far as how much to spend on furniture and what types of things are out there to choose between. I've been hampered by my health in doing much running around to local stores, though.
But beyond that I've turned to focus more on preparations for tomorrow's meeting with the general contractor. If the contractor is going to give me a useful and more accurate estimate, I have to provide certain information. For example, cabinet refacing, which this unit needs in the kitchen and also both bathrooms. It would be helpful if I suggested what type of cabinetry I'd like, including hardware. And the flooring and blinds/shades are even more important, because what type of flooring and blinds affect the installation process which directly affects the cost of installation. So I have to have these things reasonably decided upon.
The emotional part of all this has involved things like my realtor getting impatient with me, the interface between me, my lawyer, the realtor, the selling agent, the selling agent's lawyer, the seller, etc. And these communciations are generally not direct but funneled through someone else. Sometimes time has been of the essence. Sometimes it seems as if there has been some miscommunication, etc.
***
As to my health, I had an epidural shot last Thursday for the lumbar. The neuro-surgeon thinks it's lumbar, but the neurologist suspects it's thoracic. I don't have the results of the thoracic MRI yet, although I have the images themselves, which they gave me right afterwards. The thoracic MRI was problematic because hardware from my first spinal diskectomy & fusion (T11-L1) interfered with the imaging, so I had to re-schedule at another location (same company) where they had an open MRI.
Having the epidural allowed me to stop the tramadol, as I was up to 100 mg four times a day. But yesterday and today I've taken 50 mg at lunch.
The past week and a half my legs have been bothering me more, meaning it's become harder to walk. I had a couple good days in there, but it seems to be getting more constant. So whereas the epidural can help the pain, it can't necessarily help the other neurological symptoms, such as muscle weakness. Also, my gastrointestinal system has been affected and a few weeks ago I was prescribed this stuff you drink before having a colonoscopy. Then I was told I could increase my genrlac to 30 ml twice a day (up from once a day). The increased genrlac has helped a lot.
***
Last weekend I started getting caught up on some things so that I didn't feel so all over the place and focused only on whatever was happening at the moment. I hadn't had any contact with my brothers until yesterday and I think that was good, to have that break. Also, having so much to do with such urgency has helped keep my mind of mom and the family. Eventually that will catch up with me, but hopefully by then it will be more manageable to deal with constructively. In this regard, I've been more fortunate than my brothers because they've been working all this time on things regarding mom and even if they've been busy they haven't had the benefit of being able to step back from it. I did scan in and e-mail them a few more sympathy cards I received from the notices I sent out (from all of us). When I get the list, I will likewise send out thank you notes to those who made donations to the church in mom's name. But this is a lot less intense and demanding then the kind of things my brothers have been doing.
***
Well, this is a long enough post, so I'm going to end here. Can you believe my life? If I told you I feel like my whole life has been like this since more or less 1987 would you believe me? I won't make firm statements about whether or not I'm sane or how sane I might be, but I do think that altogether I've dealt reasonably well with everything I've faced. That doesn't mean I've always done everything right though (who has?), or that I haven't had my moments when things got to me. But I think all in all I'm a pretty strong person and fairly observant. I may be too analytical for my own good, but sometimes I feel like I'm treated like a "dumb blond" or "just a woman" or "an easy push over", and I think being observant and intentionally reflective has been one way to deal with these attitudes from others. I'm not saying it's the best way, just that it's something I do and I think it's at least a fairly good approach, especially within my personality.
***
One more thing: I know it may seem like I'll never get back to the chronology, but that's how I've felt about a good part of my life for years now. I'm always thinking things will normalize and then when it appears they are I start to take advantage of that and WHAM! something throws everything out of kilter again and off I go on another crisis and/or tangent...
