273. Family-Related Reprieve

I believe I've discussed the issue of power in my family, but, as you can well imagine, the death of our last parent changes the dynamics. However, I don't think the rules have really changed. I may not like what I'm going to talk about here, but it's the way things are.

Mom's power was based on her financial resources.

One thing that I've had thrown at me from time to time since I returned to the States from Russia in 1997 is the idea that I'm selfish because I only have myself to worry about. Until now my brother in Seattle had one or both of our parents to care for, and my other brother has his two boys.

The options for me, as far as how things could acceptably be different, putting me in a position of having someone else to care for are basically limited to getting married and having a husband to care for. I can't have children at this point in my life, so that possibility is out. So how would the power distribution look if I got married? A lot, of course, depends on how I might marry, but if the power issues if I were to marry were to remain as they currently are in the family I would be under my husband and the family would be run by a cabal of men. My brothers would quickly latch on to my husband to ensure that the family values and modus operandi remain as they are, which is heavily biased in favor of men's superiority of position and power. Male manliness would be in question if anything but male domination were to play out in family relations.

The power of my brother in Seattle is also, however, also affected by mom's death. Now the same accusation of having only himself to care for can also be used against him too. So he has to now secure his power footing in the family in the new configuration sans mom. He has some power in his stability and also his not having so many problems as me and our other brother. That is, he is not very vulnerable in comparison to us. My vulnerability is based on my health and also my poverty as well as the basic vulnerability that comes with being female in this family. Our other brother's vulnerability is based on his familial problems, being divorced, his having a handicapped child, and his being on his ex-wife's turf in a semi-rural area where she and her birth family have some clout. The brother in Seattle also has power in the form of close contact with other family members, since he's living where we were raised, and also the church we were raised in. Church-related clout doesn't affect the other brother because he's settled enough in his church and also friends elsewhere he went to Bible school with.

My brother in Seattle will want to secure his standing in the family by confirming his manliness. This might be acted out in strengthening male bonding with the other brother and our nephews. It could also affect his relationship with me if he tries to take a male dominant relationship with me. To a certain extent I have some power to avoid this happening, but that depends on my health too, which I don't have so much control over. So if my health deteriorates and he steps in to help me and I accept his help, the price for accepting that help will be (tacitly) agreeing to his male dominance over me, with all the nuances that includes. He could also try to shore up his local relations, with family and church, to limit his vulnerability and provide a buffer against any weakness he might have vis a vis our other brother and me.

The brother in New England, on the other hand, has lost a grandmother to his two boys. And mom did cherish her grandsons and went to great lengths to send personalized gifts, including some heirloom and written things. This was a boon to my brother as a buffer against his ex-wife's family's influence on his sons. However because of our falling out that landed me back in Florida a year ago, he will be reticent to let me fill in any gap left by mom. If he were to allow me any contact with his boys it would be highly regulated by him and I would make myself quite vulnerable to him opening myself up to the same kind of thing that I witnessed and experienced living in his apartment (above his office).

As to myself, I have to decide whether any of the male scripting is going to change in the family. If not, should I open myself up to closer ties with my brothers I am putting myself at risk for falling into the same male dominated relations that existed before mom died. My cousin (the one who agreed that my family - and hers too - operate on a survival of the fittest basis) thinks I shouldn't have signed the document my brother with the two sons had me sign before I returned here to Miami. She said she thought my nephews acted like they were abused and she was concerned that I had agreed, by signing the document, to forego contact with my nephews. However, she doesn't appreciate how vulnerable I was, living in his apartment free of charge on his turf, and being sick myself. I'm not sure I am strong enough to be able to deal with any gaff from my brother and be any help to my nephews. Instead, I may actually strengthen my brother's hold on them by opening myself up to my brother to have contact with them. My brother's position vis a vis his boys could be strengthened because of his confirmation of his manliness through his relations with me, but also serve as an excuse to further tighten his control over his boys to protect them from such mal-intentioned individuals as myself (that is, that's how he would describe me, at least in part).

So what can or should I do under such circumstances? I don't think either of my brothers are malicious, but "just" want to maintain the power-holds that they think they "should" have and maintain the public image they want to have. But the potential end result of this is, I think, not dissimilar to what it would be if they were just plain malicious. Because of my health and poverty I don't think that I can expect to have much influence on my nephews, so I think that that's pretty much a moot issue. So then it just has to do with

1. whether I agree with my brothers on how things should be and what they want out of the relationship,
2. how much I disagree with them, and
   
3. what I'm willing to accept as consequences of holding my ground on areas we might disagree on.

The problem for me is that I find it hard to stick to convictions like this, which was more or less the kind of dilemmas I faced while living in Russia regarding relations with my parents and also with the USA (i.e., whether to return her either for a visit or for good, citizenship, etc.). So I end out being or at least appearing to be fickle. As an idealist I want to stick to my beliefs and values, but it's hard when I'm also so vulnerable and the alternate is not totally bereft of virtue. However, when I've caved in in the past doing so has generally been taken to mean that I'm accrediting those I have issue with with more virtue than I think is the case or is due them. So, for example, when I returned to the USA from living in Russia in 1997 my father, I think, thought I was doing so from the standpoint of believing that the fault in whatever political problems I may have experienced lies with Russia, not the USA. This interpretation of my return to the USA, however, does not fit my thoughts on the issue. Rather, I was just returning to the USA thinking that I was at a career dead-end in Russia and my chances of having a fulfilling career would be better in the USA. This thinking on my part turned out to be very erroneous, but I only returned here very reluctantly as more or less a last resort because nothing else seemed to be working out, so I saw it as sort of a last resort and with the ruble being practically worthless I didn't want to end out isolated in Siberia with things as they were going at the time. This isn't the same as believing that the USA was absolved of all guilt in my life experiences, which I never believed. But this, I think, is more or less what dad thought I was thinking when I returned to the USA. So this is how actions like this can be misinterpreted to be more of an acquiescence than is the case in reality.

These are some of the things I and my brothers have to deal with regarding our relations with one another as also in adjusting to our new lives without mom.