317. Organizational Behavior, Pt. 41 (Luthans, pt. 4)

I finally got the Homestead Exemption taken care of.  I'm not sure how many states have this, but here where I live the place you live (if you own it) is eligible for a property tax break.  If you own other properties you'd pay full tax on those properties, but not on the one you live in.  You only need to apply for the Homestead Exemption for a particular property once, but the deadline every year for that year is March 1.

One of the things that had to be done prior to applying for the exemption, however, is changing your voter's registration address, which I hadn't done and only found out about that when I sat down to seriously prepare for the application, so I didn't get my voter's registration change of address change (with the necessary documentation included) mailed out until Feb. 13.  Needless to say I was on pins and needles waiting to get the new voter's registration card and when it didn't come and didn't come, I finally called a couple days ago.  I learned that they had received my application and eventually I could get the information online (but not right away).

So today I had my mammogram, drove to where I have my physical therapy, hopped on the train to the county office building and thankfully didn't have to wait long and even had time for lunch.  Then I took the train back and had physical therapy.

After physical therapy the freeway was a horrible mess.  I finally made it home and what should I find on my door but a notice that evidently had been place on everyone's door in the buidling about noise after 11:00.  That was almost enough to send me into a fibromyalgia flare, and I've already told you about the fiasco with the people downstairs, and  I just can't imagine what other people had been complaining.  Personally, I haven't noticed any noise at all, as this is a very quite complex.  Well, I went with my knee jerk reaction and called the condo office and left a voicemail message (it was 5:30 - after hours) telling them about the last incident with my neighbor downstairs regarding their calling when I was emptying the dishwasher.  I also cited the police case number  date and time too so that they could check on it if they want and understand that I am serious about not putting up with this B.S.

I guess I'd better look into legal assistance, but when?  I spend all my time at doctor's offices!  I hardly have time to keep up with the regular stuff I have to do, and I'm dealing with the mess with the interior decorator and contractors too!  Not to mention my family.  Which brings me to my next subject...

***

My family is a mess.  I'm really coming to the realization that my brother in the Northwest (where I'm from) might be the worst of the lot. I don't know though, that's just my latest theory in trying to sort things out.

I'm pretty sure that that brother came to sort of resent me through the years, although he wouldn't admit it like that.  I was the oldest and he ended out sort of having to follow in my shadow in school and then when I went off overseas and all then he probably ended out hearing about everything I did.

When he was in his 20s he was the last one to move out of mom and dad's house.  It was like he didn't have the self esteem to step out on his own.  So he's mostly sort of followed others, it seems, even though there is enough he could do on his own.  He always took the safe route, which isn't always bad, it's just that in his case the reason is that he didn't have the self esteem to do anything else.  (He did doe some oversees ministry, after having visited me in Russia - I feel like he used me in that trip, as most of his trips serve a purpose, it seems.  He never just goes on vacation and he would never just visit me - unless to "help" me, and thereby set himself up as the "parent" and me the "child" in transactional analysis terms.) Now he's sort of stuck where he is, so there's not much he can do I suppose.

The other thing is that my brothers both just sort of idolized our dad and they just sort of formed a band of guys in a way that mom and I were left out of.  And not just because we were female, but also because we were weaker, mom because of her emotional issues in particular, and me because they didn't understand my decisions regarding work and school so they labeled me according to what they thought fit me.  After dad died, my two brothers continued the male bond in juxtaposition to mom and I, because it was still the strong against the weak, in their minds.

Now that both parents are gone, however, my brothers don't seem to be so content playing the two alpha males against the weak female, or maybe they're just taking a different tack, I don't know.  But the thing is that I've pulled away from them, rather than them pulling away from me.  So that's not maybe how they like it either, but it's what I want.  

I think it's pretty disgusting to have this strong/weak relationship like that, especially for a family that claims to be Christian, because that is quite the antithesis of Christianity, and if anything, special attention should be given to the weak rather than taking an adversarial position or taking advantage of the differences.  And if mom was treated like that and I was lumped together with her, I don't see any reason to change now.  I haven't changed, so whatever reason I was being treated that way I guess still exists, right?

Anyway, I do want to get to the text... And I can't believe that notice on my door this evening... I need more problems like I need a hold in the head.

***

This next primary section is "Creating and Maintaing a Culture."

"Some organizational cultures may be the direct, or at least indirect, result of actions taken by the founders." (p. 53)

The Vienna mission was one such organizational culture.  I've said this in various ways on this blog already.  The culture (and also the informal organization) was a key component of the mission's security efforts, which were a very high priority.

***

"At other times a culture must be changed because the environment changes and the previous core cultural values are not in step with those needed for survival." (p. 55)

The main reason I include this quote is that just a few short years after I was with the mission the Communist regimes of Eastern Europe met their demise and the mission at that point probably underwent some changes and it appears that it has grown considerably since then, so the remarks I make about the mission only apply to the time I was with it.  If anything I say fits later situations that is coincidental because I don't know what happened after I left.  I will say, as I have before, however, that I suspect that their basic pragmatism and deceitfulness  is probably the same and they may still be friendly with government entities too (like military chaplians), although I don't know that.

***

I'm skipping a lot because there are a lot of corporate case studies and examples and some things aren't relevant anyway.  The sub-section we'll turn to now is "Maintaining Cultures through Steps of Socialization."

"Selection of Entry-Level Personnel.  The first step is the careful selection of entry-level candidates.  Using standardized procedures and seeking specific traits that tie to effective performance, trained recruiters interview candidates and attempt to screen out those whose personal styles and values do not make a 'fit' with the organization's culture." (p. 58-59)

The issue in my case was that the interviewers were like 3 steps away from the actual position.  This is what I mean:  I was interviewed by the North American office of my sending mission... who relayed the information to the International office of my sending mission... who relayed the information to the Easter European office of my sending mission... who relayed the information to the Vienna mission.  Each step along the way I had to be accepted, etc.

So, somewhere along the way the message got garbled... maybe. But that really doesn't completely make sense either, because most everyone at the Vienna mission got there through a process more or less like the one how I got there and no one else had so many problems (as far as I knew).  So did it get garbled?  Hmmmm... I doubt it.

I do think, however, that they maybe didn't really believe that I meant it when I said things like 1) I don't want a roommate, 2) I want to work with Austrians on my free time, etc.

You see, unlike them, I really was of the conviction that my "yeah" should be "yeah" and my "nay" should be "nay" and I wasn't joking around or something when I stated those intentions and I thought that everything was clear and settled on those accounts.

I think they needed to find someone a little more "pragmatic" than me.   In fact, if they still hold to that same philosophy, they might want to consider giving a test to potential recruits to determine whether they agree that the ends justifies the means or whether they can say "We're an international book publisher" without making a lie detector go off.

***

 "Placement on the Job.  The second step offucrs on the job itself, after the person with a fit is hired.  New personnel are subjected to a carefully orchestrated series of different experiences whose purpose is to cause them to question the organization's norms and values and to decide whether or not  they can accept them.  For example, many organizations with strong cultures make it a point to give newly hired personnel more work than they can handle.  Sometimes these assignments are beneath the individual's abilities.  At Procter & Gamble, for example, new personnel may be required to color in a sales territory map.  The experience is designed to convey the message, "While you're smart in some ways, you're in kindergarten as far as what you know about this organization."  The objective is also to teach the new entrant into the culture the importance of humility.  These experiences are designed to make newly hired personnel vulnerable and to cause them to move closer emotionally to their colleagues, thus intensivying group cohesiveness." (p. 59-60)

I clearly experienced the color in the sales territory map type work.  In fact, I would say a good 90% of my work with the mission was like that for me, which is part of why I left the mission so broken after all I'd done to prepare for that work.  I never really made it past this stage.  It was like, "Okay, you're here, but don't count on getting anywhere with us."  And I didn't.

The thing was, though, that I never complained, so I never broke.  I think I was supposed to break, as in break down in tear about how I wanted to be useful and sob, sob, ...  But I didn't.  I've written about this elsewhere too, that I just didn't complain and took everything in stride and word of watched and tried to figure out what was going on.

As far as the group cohesiveness is concerned, I've also said a lot about that, as the secretaries weren't a very good identity group for me.  I was friendly with them, but I didn't really feel like I could relate to them completely since I wasn't really a professional secretary and I never attended to be a career secretary.

***"

"Job Mastery.  Once the initial 'cultural shock' is over, the next step is mastery of one's job.  This is typically done via extensive and carefully reinforced field experience...." (p. 60)

I clearly didn't get to this stage.  I was supposed to be the secretary to the assistant director, but most of the time I wasn't in that position at all even.    Also, I'd just like to point out the use of the term "culture shock" in reference to organizations, this conflicts with what the Vienna mission human resources director diagnosed me with (culture shock vis a vis living in Austria).  I won't go into details here, but I was doing just fine in Vienna, including going to an Austrian church and getting around on my own, etc.  My problems were with the mission.

***

"Measuring and Rewarding Performance."  The next step of the socialization process consists of meticulous attention to measuring operational results and to rewarding individual performance... Anyone who commits a crime against the culture... is sent to the 'penalty box.' This typically involves a lateral move to a less desirous location.  For example, a branch manager in Chicago might be given a nebulous staff position at headquarters.  This individual is no off-track, which can slow his or her career progress." (p. 60)

Despite the fact that I never made it to job mastery, I managed to make it to the penalty box.  So my career went something like this (at least in part):


1) faulty selection process =>
2) unsuccessful transition to placement on the job [skip over job mastery] =>
3) crime committed against the culture via unsuccessful transition to placement on the job resulting in 'penalty box' assignments

So here the culture is king, in that it appears, based on my experience alone, that you couldn't have your job unless you mastered the culture.

***

"Adherence to Important Values. The next step involves careful adherence to the firm's important values.  Identification with these values helps employees reconcile personal sacrifices brought about by their membership in the organization.  They learn to accept these values and to trust the organization not to do anything that would hurt them.  As Pascale observes, 'Placing one's self 'at the mercy' of an organization imposes real costs..."... However, the organization attempts to overcome these costs by connecting the sacrifices to higher values such as serving society with better products and/or services." (p. 60-61)

Wow!  This is good and something new, too.  First of all, the mission would expect a certain amount of this early on in the socialization, but the new missionary would continue to for some time learning these things and the mission would be watching and helping to make sure s/he progressed well.

Another thing is that in the mission the sacrifices were greater than in your typical job because you'd left your homeland and your life mostly revolved around the mission, but the missionary would have known of the usual costs that missions entail.  Issues like ones that messed me up, involving philosophy in respect to ministry in "closed countries", etc. may or may not have bothered others at first, or maybe there were different issues others dealt with.  But if you're going to be traveling clandestinely into a country that is hostile to your work, you would want to trust your organization "not to do anything that would hurt" you.

Now let's get to the juicy stuff.  First of all, I'm thinking of this text in contrast to how I think the church is supposed to operate, and the mission was an extension of the church.  What is this accepting their values and trusting they won't hurt you?!  Would your pastor hurt you?  I don't think so!  How about the elders?  Evangelists?  Anyone in the church?  Why should it take some extra step of accepting their values and trusting them in order to know they won't hurt me? 

Well, and just in case you have a problem with these values that you need to accept in order to trust that they won't hurt you, it might be more persuasive to know that the mission is serving society...  How pragmatic can you get?  That is, the ends (serving society) justifies any possible values issues that might bother you.  And you want to be a part of this watershed project, don't you?  Of course, you do!  ... That's the mission cajoling the new recruit on to accept their values.

Furthermore, there may be costs to becoming a missionary and working with a mission, but "adhering to their important values" should not be among them.  Let me explain myself here.  If the mission has any important values that need adhering to, they should be Christocentric and true to the Bible.  If this is the case then it hardly seems that adherance to their values would be a cost to the new missionary.  That's not to say there wouldn't be some adjustments to make, but I don't think that in the values realm missions' appropriate expectations should be seen as costs; rather, these should be seen as opportunitis for spiritual growth.  (Although, that being said, some things in the Bible aren't cut and dry and sometimes there is room for divergent interpretations, so the missionary might come with one credible understanding and the mission another, and hopefully these would be in minor issues ans the larger doctrinal issues should already have been hashed out.

But in the case of the Vienna mission, I think their core values, the ones I had problems with, were categorically not biblical (and not a "gray area").  In this case, for me to have conceded would indeed have been a cost, and one I felt I couldn't afford, despite my desire for the same ends as the mission, I couldn't go along with the means, or at least significant parts of it.

The other thing is that when the mission sent me home in the 5th month I was in Vienna, it was at that point that I knew beyond a shadow of a dobut that they could hurt me.  I was shocked when it happened and after that I didn't know how far they'd go or what they could do, but at that point there was nothing anyone could do that would have convinced me that the mission might not (although not again not necessarily in the same way) hurt me.   So at that point it was doutbtless pretty futile to think of anything potentially good coming of my relationship with the mission.  But I didn't want to believe it.  I kept hoping something would change.

***

I'm skipping the paragraph on "Reinforcing the Stories and Folklore" because they're nothing new or helpful there.  Our last one is...

"Recognition and Promotion. The final step is the recognition and promotion of individuals who have done their jobs well and who can serve as role models to new people in the organization... Role models in strong-culture firms are regarded as the most powerful ongoing training program of all." (p. 61)

This and mentoring were the main ways I was socialized with the mission.  But I would also like to draw your attention to the way the role model status falls in the sequence of things and that's pretty much what I've been saying about the mentors too.  So once a person has reached a certain level of acceptedness with the group they might be potential mentors/role models, and seeing someone in that role is an indication that the person has reached that level, too.  (The mission was large enough that everyone didn't know exactly how everyone else was doing, so signs like this would be helpful.)

***

That's it for today.  I'm tired... It's been a long day and a little stressful too.  Goodnight.

313. Migraine & Current Events

I saw the neurologist yesterday and he wants to try a new medicine, which isn't surprising since I was pretty well maxed out (on about as high a dose as they give) of the one I was on).  It's the same medicine as one of the ones that helps me sleep for fibromyalgia, though.  So we're decreasing the medicine I've been on at the same time we're increasing that one (as needed).  I'm sort of skeptical about the prognosis of this one, but my physical therapist, whom I saw later in the afternoon, said I should give it a chance.  (Although she was skeptical about how much she could do with physical therapy for my legs, so techincally I could have turned the tables on her too - if the problem is neurological she can only do so much, though.).

The next few weeks could be a nightmare if this new medicine doesn't work, and if that's the case, then it might be a while before I'm up to serious mental work.

Today I got my new glasses.  My optometrist is on the south end of town where I lived when I first moved here in 2006.  I didn't think I was up to driving through the city, so I took advantage of the disabled transportation service here, which is like a group taxi.  I'm glad I did, but it took up most of my day.

Then I've been gradually working my way through the condo doing a deep cleaning, especially around the baseboards and window sills - I haven't done the windows yet.  It's going slowly because I don't feel well and everything is slow with me and I have various interruptions too.  Well, I was working on the dining room a little bit ago in the area where the patch of new floor was put in, where there formerly was a platform area.  And it turns out that some of the grout is already coming out!  So now that is one more thing to address in my complaints and that brings in another worker.  While I wasn't terribly impressed with the painting job of the painter, it wasn't bad enough to make a stink about, but the painter is the one who did this and this is something that most definitely would need to be fixed.  The other things that need fixing are from the work of the plumber/electrician.  I need to pull together all the concrete details and call the  Better Business Bureau, because that's the next place I want to try to see if I can get these things resolved.  I was hoping that the interior decorator and her company would help out, but they aren't.  I just feel so violated by these kinds of things and by the thefts, and on top of my being sick and not able to really adequately monitor things and I though that I was being sent reliable and trustworthy workers and neither the interior decorator nor the furniture store she works for seem to care at all about that, yet that's the main reason why I chose them because I thought they'd be more trustworthy.  Did I ever get that one wrong.  It really hurts though and I don't have limitless money and now that money that I'd spend on things that were stolen or work that was poorly done is more or less money down the drain.  So if you don't trust people you're paranoid, or if you do trust people you're a fool and get taken advantage of.

Well, I'm going to try to have people over Sunday after church.  I really like both cooking and entertaining, but I"m not much up to either so it's going to be a challenge.  I told them it's going to be simple - as in very simple, and I figure people should understand, that it's mainly about getting together anyway.   So it's a couple and a gal with 3 kids.  I'm having pulled beef sandwiches, which I'll start tomorrow.   And I'll have a sort of a molded coleslaw salad - being molded means you can make it ahead easier.  Then I'll have stuffed celery sticks and homemade tortilla chips.  The couple are bringing ice cream for dessert.  I haven't decided what to serve for drinks yet.  Anyway, the thing is that I can make it all in advance so that's what I'm doing tomorrow, and that's about all I'm doing tomorrow.

I guess that's all for now.  I'm really nervous about the migraine medicine change though.

288. Family, Condo, etc.

I made it through another major hurdle... or should I say hurdles (plural)?  First of all, the move into the condo is largely a done deal, although there are still a few things to do, but the bulk of it is done now and I only have a few boxes left unopened.

I went into this move walking with a walker and by the time I was ready to actually make the move into the new place my back was well enough to let me lift boxes with virtually (as far as I know at least) no retributions.  PTL! (that's Praise the Lord!)  But, of course, I couldn't get by without having at least some kind of health issue or the other reminding me of my frailty, so about the time my back was on the mend, I started getting a headache... which I have to this day... a 4+ month long headache.  And it's the strangest headache I've ever had.  It's rather a moderate headache (although if I stopped the prescription pain medicine now I might not call it moderate), but even when the pain is more or less under control I can still have blurry vision and/or balance problems, which makes it difficult to walk much.  I've also found that this headache has been more of a trigger to fibromyalgia than any other condition I've had since I've had fibromyalgia.  So there's the extra urgency to keep the headaches at bay so as not to aggravate my fibromyalgia too.

***

Anyway, the other issue is making it through the holidays after the death of mom.  I'd planned to send out Christmas cards, and even ordered some, but it just didn't work out because of everything going on regarding the condo and my limited energy levels.  Maybe being distracted by the condo activities was a blessing in disguise to not let me get to focused on mom and the family.  Nevertheless, I did make the usual Christmas phone calls, maybe a couple more than usual, and this year I think I ended out having some longer conversations, especially around family topics.  It was good for me to learn more things about the family, and I hope it was good on the other end too for those I was talking with, but it was difficult too in some ways and I learned some rather upsetting things in some cases. 

Anyone who's had to deal with suicide knows of some of the difficult aspects of it.  And in the case of my mom there was also most certainly some elder abuse (verbal & emotional at least), and gender discrimination issues going on.  Mom's gone but the other family issues remain, and I don't think they're going away any too soon either.  So I'm the next logical target of abuse, although one brother has children, including a handicapped son, who are also prime targets.  But, I, being an adult, can opt out of this set up, although not without cost to me.  I'm opting out by deciding that I don't want either of my brothers to take care of me when I get old.  So, as one aunt so pertinently asked, who then will take care of me?  I don't know, but not them.  I'd actually rather have no one take care of me than have someone who is super controlling and uses physical force (my youngest brother) or someone who is very angry take care of me (my other brother). 

I've opened all the boxes of inheritance things now and I didn't find the steak knives or the pysanka (singular for pysanky - Ukrainian Easter egg) from my great grandmother, so I suspect this was not an accidental oversight, since that brother is so meticulous.  Each of us was supposed to get one of the eggs and I was supposed to get the steak knives to go with the rest of the knife set since that brother got both the china and silver.  But, as my financial advisor put it, my brother just didn't want me to have anything, including a pysanka, it seems.

It looks like there's a pretty good consensus that among my relatives back home that my brother with the two boys is very controlling but I don't think everyone knew about my other brother's anger.  My aunt there was surprised when I told her, but two of her kids have witnessed it first hand since mom's death now.  I guess some in that family even think my dad might have abused mom.  I'm not sure about that, but I guess there's evidence that the last few years there may have been some of this.  My other aunt told me a story that sort of corroborated this too, but I would not have thought this before. 

I have no idea how I can ever regain anything like a normal relationship with my brothers for some of the reasons already discussed but also because of gender issues and how I was so left out of the family when I could have made a difference in mom's welfare but they didn't really care about that evidently.  Mom thanked me more than once for helping with dad but I think she didn't think I was doing anything to help her.  I was behind the scenes sometimes making calls to ask people to check on her and/or keep an eye out to see if there was any verbal/emotional abuse going on, but I didn't want to have to go through my brothers to help her and she wouldn't do anything to facilitate that and I wasn't going to go through my brothers so there wasn't much possibility for me to help under those conditions.  I was basically relegated to a symbolic role of cheerleader or friend or the like.  Of course, my brother(s) would protest that this was not just a symbolic role at all, but very important.  Basically, they were relegating me to a stereotypical female role.

***

Other than that, my neighbors at the new place are a whole new book-worthy saga.  I've been advised to get a lawyer to write a formal grievance letter to the board against the neighbor below me who is also a board member.  They have no objection to me making all kinds of noise any time of day or night in the kitchen, but they get all bent out of shape by the use of a wrench in the construction of an antigravity chair.  Let's just say that my juicer is about as loud as an electric drill and a wrench is about as loud as a toaster, maybe.  So why do they call the security guard over the wrench but not the juicer?  My hunch is sexism, but I'll let the lawyer figure out the best approach to this.  The last complaint they had was regarding me putting glass shelves in a cabinet and then washing the glass windows of the cabinet!  I'll let you guess how loud that might have been.  The guard says the nieghbors could call the police and I've offered to call the police for them because I think the police would laugh in their face at the stupidity of their complaints.  Oh, and let me provide some more context.  I wear slippers at home, don't listen to music, have the computer set on mute by default and only recently just got my TV set up and hardly watch it at all.  I'm what you might call a quiet neighbor, except for the occasional use of a wrench, that is. (?!) Oh, please, how come all the idiots in the world seem to find me?

Then there's the neighbor to the right who was walking into my condo unannounced before I moved in when the painters were working here until they realized what was going on.  The condo manager had to call him and ask him to stop, but not before the neighbor asked if he could have one of the vanity tops! I'll stop there.  I have a feeling this neighbor is one of the people that voted in the neighbor below me to the board.

****

I've been thinking about the progression of this blog and how missions would just love to somehow wriggle their way out of how they treated me so horribly and how their whole set up was so political.  If I proceed as planned they'll most likely try to mainly excuse themselves by saying that I'm just crazy, but if I skip the Vienna years (and come back to them later) and go instead to my pre-Russia period they'll get all hyped up about how awful, horrible and absolutely un-American those Soviets/Russians were... which will effectively take the pressure off themselves and justify their own malfeasance based on political reasoning (at least that's how they'll think).   But then if I take the latter route, by the time I come back to the Vienna years, I think it would be more difficult to just disregard out of hand my claims because of all the things that happen after Vienna. 

It's late now, though, and I should get going. 

287. Health (Again!) and Moving (Finally!)

My health took another turn for the worst again this past week, so I'm on tenderhooks.  We don't exactly know what's wrong yet, but it's something neurological that seems to be affecting a good part of my body and may be connected to the strange headaches I've been getting the past two months.  I'm supposed to rest this weekend and then try to get into the neurologist early next week.

HOWEVER (yes, that's a big "however"), I'm also moving this week and am here all alone with no reliable help.  So I have to somehow make it through this week without going into a major health crisis (one that puts me completely out of commission).  Fortunately, I'm pretty well packed except for the last minute odds and ends so I can afford the luxury of relaxing.

Today I had to be at the condo for the floor cleaners and I laid down in the car the whole time they were working.  Monday and Tuesday I have furniture deliveries coming to the condo that I have to be for, and also the telephone company is coming to set things up there, so I have to be at the condo for these things too.  Fortunately, Monday the sectional sofa and bed are being delivered, so I can lay down on those if need be and do the minimal of what I need to do for these various things to get done.

Monday could be a real challenge though.  I have to try to make it to the neurologist and then a few people from church are coming to take liquid things (soaps, cooking oils, etc.) and the like over to the condo.  These are things that mostly the movers don't carry and liquids are heavy, so it would be too much for me to carry all at once.  This could be a long day for me.

Wednesday is going to be the killer, however, and I could use mega prayers to make it through that one. While the movers are at my current place the cabinet people will be bringing the new kitchen and bathroom cabinets to the new condo.  When we arrive at the condo they'll be installing the cabinets while the movers are moving everything in.  I'm going to have them try to put all the boxes in single layers as much as possible to minimize my having to lift boxes to see what's in lower boxes.  Unpacking is going to be slow, for sure.

After I move there is still some things that will have to be done, such as some furniture to be assembled, the new steam shower jacuzzi (which I wanted for my fibromyalgia and other health issues and should arrive later this week) has to be installed, etc.  But at least I'll be there and if I have to I can drop the moving things and focus on health issues.  My health goal for this week is to manage to at least maintain where I am and not get any worse.  I hope I succeed.

I told my neighbor here that after I leave she's going to have to resort to soap operas for excitement!  In any case, she didn't argue against that suggestion.

276. Reprieve (Various)

My back pain still isn't too bad since having the epidural last Thursday (a week ago), but I've been taking 50 mg. tramadol at lunch, and I think it's affecting my fibromyalgia. The thing, is that pain isn't the only thing that affects fibromyalgia; for example, if I caught the flu (even without achiness that sometimes accompanies the flu) it could still affect the fibromyalgia. So I'm beginning to think that maybe things like my legs and g.i. system being affected by the stenosis is affecting the fibromyalgia, and those symptoms continue even if the back pain is taken care of or otherwise absent. Maybe that's why I'm getting a bit of the fibrofog and some elevated fibromyalgia pain too. So I'm going to have to augment my Lyrica dose, which is what I have an emergency 25 mg prescription for - to use in the event of a fibromyalgia flare. And I always tell my doctors if I've had to increase my dose, especially if it's more than once. Usually I have my fibromyalgia pretty well under control, although it does take work and money (vitamins aren't covered by insurance and aren't even tax-deductible in the U.S.).

Anyone who has a chronic condition like fibromyalgia can relate to going through this process to try to figure out what's going on with one's symptoms.

So now my options, vis a vis medications look like this:

1. If my back is hurting more than it should (either bad enough by itself to affect my functionality or bad enough to affect my fibromyalgia - these aren't the same thing, because for me the fibromyalgia-affecting threshold us usually lower than the pain-tolerance threshold - then I would take tramadol. This means that if I didn't have fibromyalgia I might not take tramadol for back pain as quickly as I do because of the risk of the back pain affecting fibromyalgia.

2. If my back pain isn't minimal but my fibromyalgia is acting up, I may need to take Lyrica instead of tramadol because something other than the back pain might be causing the fibromyalgia flare. My null hypothesis (that inclement weather was causing my fibrofog) was not supported by my informal

The thing is, regarding fibromyalgia and my back pain, the tramadol only indirectly helps my fibromyalgia, but if the back pain isn't the main cause of the fibromyalgia flare, than taking tramadol might not be very affective in getting my fibromyalgia under control, because tramadol doesn't directly help my fibromyalgia pain (although I understand it does help many people with fibromyalgia). But if the back pain seems to be the cause of my fibromyalgia flare, then it might be more affective to take the tramadol to help the fibromyalgia by decreasing the back pain that is causing the fibromyalgia flare.

It's trial and error as to how exactly these things work as it's a bit different for everyone with fibromyalgia, but this is my current theory regarding my own health situation. That is, I'm reneging on the weather theory. My null hypothesis (that inclement weather was the cause of my fibro flare) was informally proven wrong.

***

I'm waiting with baited breath to hear from the general contractor. I left a voicemail message for him.

Meanwhile, yesterday I looked online at kitchen cabinet features, and today I tried to decide other things I could cut out that I wanted to do, such as replacing some of my current furniture. So I think I've sort of decided that I should focus, besides the things the general contractor would be doing, on the kitchen and living/dining room. My bedroom furniture could suffice and I do have a desk and file cabinets to be more or less functional in the second bedroom. I have a couch, and matching end table/coffee table, but I really should switch to leather overstuffed furniture as it's better than cloth for dust mite allergies (although I'm otherwise rather ambivalent about leather). I also have a dining room table and chairs, but I'd need a small dinette for the eat-in kitchen. I could also pass up getting things for the balcony if I have to. I also probably am more-or-less okay regarding lamps, although I was wanting to get a floor lamp for the living room.

So if the contractor's figures were pushing what I could do, at least I'd only have to get living room seating and a dinette set, as far as furniture is concerned, although I also want to get some pictures (mostly paintings) framed, which I'll still do. So I might be able to do that on $2500 if I do a good job of bargain shopping.

***

There are other things I could say, but I think that's enough for now.

275. Reprieve: Fibrofog

The last half hour I've been feeling myself going into a fibrofog. The thing is that for me when there is rain and it's cool outside there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, I'm going to get fibrofog. Unfortunately, it's 78 degrees according to NOAA and Weather.com. So then I don't know why I would be going into a fog.

I can feel it because I get tingling in my head and then I get so that I can sort of stare out in space and not remember what I was doing and things like that. I'm just glad that I didn't have it earlier today when I met with my realtor, the listing realtor and the general contractor.

I just went off into my staring into space, but I'll try to keep my thoughts together enough to finish this very brief post. The contractor should have his estimate to me by the end of the week (day after tomorrow) and then I should know pretty well whether I can afford this unit or whether it would be more feasible to buy another unit in the same complex that it more than I wanted to spend but in move-in conditions and includes nice furniture (about one-third to a half of which I wouldn't keep). My legs weren't that great today and my pain is getting a little worse too, so I was pretty wiped out afterwards, especially since the a/c isn't working (another thing to replace, including condenser unit) in the unit.

I came home and just got to laying down with my electric heated throw (heat helps my pain, even if I'm not really cold), and that's when my brother called to find out how things went. The reserves for the complex aren't very good - it's as if the complex was living from paycheck to paycheck, with not backup monies. So I have to be prepared for a sizable special assessment if a hurricane should hit. This is the only complex that I've found that I like here, but the two drawbacks are the reserves and no pets allowed (except birds and fish).

Also, yesterday an interior decorator called me back and I think she might be a good fit to help me, although we didn't go into details about her set up. I could have asked her to come in today, but I thought that would be too much going on with the general contractor and the listing agent both. But before I have any work done I would want her help, at the very least in advising as to how to best get things coordinated, which would undoubtedly mean some change to what the general contractor is putting together, but I suspect the main changes would be in the bathrooms, since we're basically redoing the sink, vanity, mirror, and medicine cabinets in both bathrooms, and also possibly the design of the kitchen cabinets, which we didn't go into too much today, except the basic layout. Other than that, since I found out that laminate flooring gets torn up by wheel chairs (and I'm having my 3rd spinal stenosis in 3 years currently, which I expect to lead to another surgery shortly), so I have to go with either hardwood or ceramic tiles in the areas that currently have carpet, which is a no go with dust mite allergies (not to mention I don't like the carpet anyway). So I found bamboo flooring online at Lumber Liquidator and I think we can get vertical blinds & horizontal blinds (for the sliding glass doors to the balcony) and also floor board to all match, which I think would be a nice way to tie the unit together. Since the flooring and floorboards wouldn't be coming out everywhere it would just be the blinds that would be a common feature, but still, it might have some uniting affect.

I've been researching these things the past month or so and found different furniture and the like that I like for fairly reasonable prices. So I have an idea of what I like and what I'm thinking of in the various rooms.

I also met with my financial adviser yesterday, so he and the lawyer as well as my condo manager brother in Seattle all had pertinent questions for the listing agent regarding reserves and special assessments in particular. I think having all those interested parties sort of pulled the rug out from the listing agent who seemed to be using intimidation tactics (via e-mail to my realtor). I also wore a suit (the most comfortable one I have considering anything around my waist hurts) in order to increase my "I mean business" and "I'm not some dumb blond that you can just push around" impression on him.

There are other people looking at the unit and it's still on the market, since I haven't signed the addendum yet, which needs to be amended, per discussions between my lawyer and the seller's lawyer. If the general contractor's estimate comes back at all doable we'll then put together the contract and I'll sign it and put my money in escrow. I still would like to have an inspector, but at this point that would mainly be for my own information because the whole reason we did this today is that the seller wants to know that I am for sure planning to buy the unit if the bank approves it because the bank is evidently difficult to work with - this is a short sale unit and the amount I'm offered is what was listed as it being pre-approved for, but it's not technically pre-approved, it's just that the bank recently made a counter-offer for this amount, so the seller is assuming that the bank will accept this amount. They're also paying the title fees, which cuts out some of my closing costs.

I think that's all for now.

That's all for now.

271. Burned Out Reprieve

It never rains but it pours, right? So much has happened in my life since I began this blog, that it's hard to believe, but that's how my life has been for most of my adult life, although the issues change.

I still have the Organizational Behavior file open to where I left off here, but I'm still doing things related to mom's death, trying to find a condo... and my lumbar is getting worse on top of it. This will be my third spinal stenosis since 2008, and I suspect it's going to be another diskectomy and fusion. Dare I repeat the question about how long it will take for my whole spine to end out in one big fusion? Nah... I can't deal with that. Still, it sort of sits in the back of my head.

Currently I'm up to 400 mg of tramadol a day for my back pain (I also have lesser pain in my legs and feet), I'm having gradually increasing problems with my legs and walking, and my gastro-intestinal system is also taking a hit. Last Thursday evening my g.i. doctor had me drink the stuff that you drink before having a colonoscopy, so you can tell how bad it might be getting. And that isn't helping my mid-section pain any either.

Last Saturday I was pretty nauseous and had to increase one of my meds that helps with that kind of thing, so I didn't make it to church Sunday. I'm expecting that it might be hard to do much extra beyond what I absolutely have to do until the back problem is fixed.

I had an MRI of the lumbar today and I see the pain specialist next week in follow up. If he determines I might need surgery he'll send me back to the neurosurgeon. I can't get in to the g.i. doctor for a month, but at least he's gotten back to me and helped with instructions and gotten me prescriptions. The rheumatologist is checking me out for psoriatic arthritis and sent me to the dermatologist for another skin biopsy (the first one only showed inflammation and the like), and this one the dermatologist thought could be not psoriasis, but basal cell carcinoma (i.e., skin cancer). And since I'm on my third stenosis, I figured maybe it was about time to get the opinion of a orthopaedist, so I see him Friday.

I hope you can appreciate how I might be burned out and not ready to return my focus to this blog. It seems my whole life is turned upside down, in that my home is in limbo, my health is on the fritz (again) and my family is being greatly reconfigured with the death of our last parent.

Most of my attention has been on the condo, since at least the doctors are mostly lined up so I don't have to scramble in that regard like I have in the recent past. But I also know from experience that at some point here I'm not going to be able to do any condo searching because of my health. As it is I have been instructed by my primary care doctor for a month now not to do any lifting, which, as you can guess, might hamper moving preparations. So I feel somewhat of an urgency to try to find something, although I don't expect to be able to actually move until after the surgery (which I assume is in the pipeline).

With all these crises of various stripes I'm not quite up to facing my Vienna experiences head on at the moment, so I hope you will grant me some leniency in this regard. Thanks for your interest.

270. Miscellaneous Reprieve

I'm sorry about all these real-time interruptions, but that's my life, really. Here's the low-down on what's occupying me of late.

1) Condo search. I have to move now because of the inheritance (making me ineligible to stay where I am, although they would give me some time to move). I feel a bit pushed though because my back is getting worse, so at some point I'm not going to be well enough to look any more. Already I can't do lifting, which means I might find the condo but not be able to move until I'm better.

2) My back. My back pain is gradually increasing, although it's still nothing 50 mg. of constant tramadol can't keep in line at this point. I see the rheumatologist Tues. and the neurosurgeon Wed. so I should have a good idea by the end of the week what might happen next.

Other than that I've become more convinced that something is wrong with my taste buds now. I first noticed it a few weeks ago when eating a saltine cracker to help swallow pills (get them down) and I thought the cracker tasted funny. Now any kind of saltine or oyster cracker and the like, even ones I know are fresh all taste in that same funny way. So I think it's something with my salt receptors or something along those lines. I don't eat a lot of salt otherwise and so it might not be so evident in my regular eating, I suppose. Anyway, I need to have that checked out too.

Along with the increased lower-mid back pain, which girds my waist (rather than radiating down my legs - although I do have some increase pain in my legs which could also be the fibromyalgia reacting to my increasing leg weakness). I'm especially having trouble with my left leg, as is evident in physical therapy. Left leg raises to the side are hard to do.

Other than that, I've been neglecting a lot of things, such as cooking, cleaning, bill paying, errands (like oil change for the car and picking up a prescription at the pharmacy). The condo search has been taking a lot of time but the realtor seems really dedicated to helping me find something, so he's working long hours, and that means I also an occupied long hours at it too. Since I do feel some pressure because of my health decline (again) I'm sort of glad we're working so intensely on it, but I need to try to catch up on some things this weekend.

I think that's about it. I still have the organizational behavior file open, though, to work on as soon as I can.

269. Still Reprieve

I haven't forgotten this blog - it's just that I've been very busy. And Sunday my legs took a turn for the worse, which is in addition to Thursday night my autoimmune rash on my neck started getting worse again too. So I've been talking to and seeing doctors. Today my new dermatologist took a biopsy of the skin on the neck. And I was on the phone today with the physician's assistant for the neurosurgeon; I see the neurosurgeon next week. Yesterday while I was at BJ's (one of those box-store warehouse membership stores) when I felt the problem getting worse with my legs and it's continued through today too.

Then I've been still working on buying a condo, and tomorrow I'm going out with a realtor to see a bunch of places we've found that seem to meet all my basic criteria and otherwise look reasonably interesting. At this point I'm thinking that even if I bought something this week it's very likely that I might not actually be able to move until after a very likely lumbar surgery (I'm speaking from personal experience here, having had two spinal diskectomies and fusions already since 2008). When I was at BJ's yesterday, though, I very fortuitously found whole boxes of reasonably size and good quality to take home with me. I could have taken more I think, but at least it's a start and I can start sort of packing things up as I'm able. I can't do lifting though, so I won't be working on things like books at this point. I'm also hoping I can get a reasonable enough condo that I really like so that I will have enough money left over to do some of the things I want to fix it up.

I was supposed to spend Sunday afternoon with a friend, but she had to leave town on business, so I just kept myself busy, not wanting to think about it being Mother's Day. Saturday I got the rest of the funeral home notices that my brother in Seattle sent me, so yesterday I got them all in the mail, including a packet of other things too for a good friend of mom's husband (her friend died about a year ago), and also I sent the gift I'd gotten for mom for Mother's Day to the couple who let me stay with them while I was in Seattle for the funeral.

Meanwhile, I'm not getting caught up on household things, although I did manage to vacuum the other day. It's going on 1:00 and I still have one more thing to iron, but I'm too tired and I have a full day of looking at condos tomorrow, so that will just have to wait.

Anyway, as soon as I get a breather I'll get back to the regular posts on the organizational behavioral file.

242. Vienna Mission Years, Pt. 3

"One effect of education and the media and the ideologies pertains in a special way to distribution: A general and unchallengeable conviction is created that those who do certain kinds of work ought to receive lower incomes and be content with lower levels of consumption than those who do other kinds of work. A classist society is thereby, in people's minds, canonized as something morally correct, as a situation demanded by justice. Although both ideas are equally false, this conviction should not be confused with the medieval belief that the son of a shoemaker should also be a shoemaker and the son of a prince should be a prince; sociologists call this situation a lack of capillarity or social mobility. Today one can indeed 'ascend' the classist ladder and it is even ideal to do so. The depravity to which I refer is the conviction apparently ineradicable although entirely mythological, that certain work is forever destined to receive low income and other work is 'in itself' worthy of greater remuneration. This conviction is one of the worst violences inflicted on the workers to force them, in the labor contract (and in its indispensable complement, the multiple contract of bargain and sale of consumer goods and services), to submit to the conditions which are favorable to the capitalist class."

Miranda, José. (1974). Marx and the Bible: A Critique of the Philosophy of Oppression. (John Eagleson, Trans.). Maryknoll, New York: Orbis Books, p. 9.

[Note: I have this book because I wanted to understand how some Christians can accommodate Marxist thinking into their theology, which is known as liberation theology.]

***

I have to backtrack some because I decided to look through the human rights report I wrote while living in Russia, and there is something I missed, so I'm just going to quote it here:

"Before I left for Vienna my Father told me that I might be requested to undergo a security briefing at his work. He had already told me that he had a security clearance through the Pentagon (not through Boeing, per se, as I understand it). I didn't think anything of this, that it was anything to worry about. Dad was always very supportive of me going into mission work. Nothing ever came of the possible briefing, but Dad did also mention that it was possible that in a communist country someone might try to kidnap me in exchange for information from Dad. (That was the only concern I ever heard about to this point.) I got the impression that everyone thought that I was trustworthy on that regard - although it wasn't until much later that I thought about it like that.

Actually it never occurred to me till several years later that it was even possible for me to have problems on account of Dad's work. But after my Vienna years, back in Seattle, [D. B.] of Campus Crusade for Christ told me that many people whose parents are in military work aren't even allowed into East European Mission work. That certainly had never even crossed my mind as being a possibility. By that point I had lived through enough that it didn't matter. I had already decided that I had to obey God rather than man (i.e., government) and I felt called by God to work in those countries, especially the Soviet Union. No one had ever told me not to study Russian, work with emigrants, etc., anyways. I had already spent several years of my life in preparation for that kind of work and it was the primary professional training I had received.

I later had to study some about professional espionage workings in order to make sense of what was happening to me...

I left for Vienna via Holland and train from there in June of 1987. Sure enough I was put up with [the secretary from Alaska] in another girl's apartment (she lived alone because she was in women's ministry) who was in Dallas for the summer working on her Master's degree.

It quickly became clear that this was a very clickish [sic] group. It is quite contrary to any theory of Christian missions or Biblical example or teaching of the same to operate as they did...

Here I am going to unabashadly reveal what to these mission groups are great secrets. The purpose is to expose their unjustice since neither the churches in America or [sic] the Russia have proven themselves inclined to do anything about them which is how it should Biblically be handled. It's a shame and disgrace for 'the world' to have to be judges of the Church, but if the Church won't do it, then someone should.

I figured that since I was told I'd be a secretary and that I, in this position, probably wouldn't travel much (i.e., into Eastern Europe), that I would be able to work with/amongst the Austrians in my free time.

As it turned out, almost everyone except those who specialized in E. Germany and a few exceptions (such as.... ) attended one of two English speaking Evangelical churches and had little contact with the Austrians. Although one month of German language training was technically promised all this was rarely realized in fact. It seemed to me that as workers could be 'trusted' they were allowed this 'privilege,' but the stated reason was that there was too much work to do. However, this logic didn't really seem to match the circumstances a lot of times, as in my case.

I was 'allowed' to attend church with ... (that church was the nearest where I lived). I was accepted well by the believers and was invited to teach a Sunday School class, even in my early months in Vienna.

We "found" an apartment for me within walking distance of the ... office. It was a studio apartment which was already furnished. The owner, ... a young veterinarian attended the Vienna International Chapel and was a friend of some of the [mission] workers. A former [mission] worker... had also lived there a few months before I came."

So that fills in some gaps. I had forgotten that they didn't have the apartment for me right away and also about the part about dad. The part about dad, I think, is especially important because there will be some things that happen in Vienna that apart from influence from his work would be hard to understand... and things are hard enough to understand anyway.

***

I think this is enough for this post, so next time we'll start where we left off, which is July 10, 1987.

73. 1986-June 1987: Deputation: Here Comes Trouble...

I took care of a few business things, killed a worm on my cucumber plant, and a few other odds and ends. As an aside, I must say that the corn muffins that I made by a modified recipe - modified so I could use up my Swiss cheese and use a broken top of my dill - came out really great! But, I'm having some problems with my plants so I e-mailed the extension people to see if they can give me any tips.

But now let's get back to the business at hand...

Here I'm going to quote again from the human rights report, which will mean I back track just a bit so that the context is easier to follow.

***

By January of 1987 I thought I had raised the set amount to leave for Vienna, but the mission raised the amount with the stated reasoning that the dollar was falling. Well, the dollar wasn't falling as much as they were increasing my target amount.

I am not so sure but that they weren't testing me trying to get me to be more assertive about wanting to work in the Soviet Union. I figured that they asked me to be a secretary and that's what they wanted me to do. They don't like to be taken at face value, and when I did do that (which I generally try to do) they accused me of not being assertive enough. This happened all through my Vienna days & I'm sure we'll come back to it.

Another thing that happened during my first deputation trip regard[ed] my future housing in Vienna. I had sent ... the Director of the North American branch of ECM... a long letter explaining in some detail why I wanted to live alone, at least at first. The gist of my letter stated that I had moved a lot and lived in difficult situations and wanted to settle a bit into my own lifestyle, etc., which I had never really been able to develop. [The Director] readily agreed with this. However, when I was in Denver [on a deputation trip] I got a call from Alaska (my parents & the mission had my itinerary). It turned out that [another missionary with a different mission being sent to the same joint mission I was], whom I had never heart of till then, expected me, along with another girl, to be her roommate in Vienna. I, of course, informed her that she must be in error as I was going to be living alone.

I later discussed this with [the Director], and he told me that there must have been some mix-up in Vienna, because it wasn't his doing, etc., etc. Well, later, through observation I learned that the "office" workers with the mission in Vienna didn't live alone. The first two years you were generally "trained" in mission ways (I think more akin to brainwashing) and if you stayed on after that then you became the senior worker to train your junior roommates. It's awful. My Mom saw it, too.

In addition, it's hard for me to believe that [the Director] was actually so "innocent" in this matter as his office... alone had my itinerary. He must have given someone this information. I don't see why the Vienna offices of ECM or the Vienna mission I was on loan too would need such information.

Before I left for Vienna my father told me that I might be requested to undergo a security briefing at his work. He had already told me that he had a security clearance through the Pentagon (not through Boeing, per se, as I understand it). I didn't think anything of this, that it was anything to worry about. Dad was always very supportive of me going into mission work. Nothing ever came of the possible briefing, but Dad did also mention that it was possible that in a communist country someone might try to kidnap me in exchange for information from Dad. That was the only concern I ever heard about to this point. I got the impression that everyone thought that I was trustworthy on that regard - although it wasn't until much later I thought about it like that.

Actually, it never occurred to me till several years later that it was even possible for me to have problems on account of Dad's work. But after my Vienna years back in Seattle, [a worker with another mission that had East European work] told me that many people whose parents are in military work aren't even allowed into E. Eur. mission work. That certainly had never even crossed my mind as being a possibility. By that point I had lived through enough that it didn't matter. I had already decided that I had to obey God rather than man (i.e., government) and I felt called by God to work in these countries, especially the Soviet Union. No one had ever told me not to study Russian, work with emigrants, etc. anyway. I had already spent several years of my life in preparation for that kind of work and it was the primary professional training I had received.

***

So you can see that there were already some real problems developing on several fronts. Because of my experience with SGA and the responses to the questionnaire I'd sent out to missions I was sensitive to questionable things in missions. I was still somewhat (!) naive regarding how my work would be affected by dad's (and vice versa to a certain extent). I don't remember this early having the assertiveness issue come up. I was certainly assertive regarding requesting to live alone. But I do know this did come up in Vienna, and it's possible it did this early.

I'm not including all the names here because that's not the main issue, although I might reveal those names after I identify myself, assuming I do identify myself at some point. It's getting a big unwieldy not using the name of the mission I was on loan with though.

I don't think I ever mentioned to any of the mission people that I was a bit irked that they increased my required support amount more than seemed reasonable. This could have been something they were doing across the board though and they may have thought that it would be better to start off with enough, knowing that support can drop over time for various reasons, requiring constant work at it, which a two-year sting wouldn't provide a lot of opportunity for doing. And they didn't know how much more the exchange rate would fall.

Sometimes it's hard to know when to take things at face value and when to read something into it. I mean if you think of all the potential converging here for things to happen that might not be your standard every day sort of fare, you can maybe understand the difficulty to make such discernments.

In such a circumstance, what's worse, taking everything at face value and responding likewise, even when you suspect there's something else going on, or to go the other way and tend more toward reading into things according to apparent implications and responding in kind. Right or wrong, I tended toward the former position, but in the end I felt like a stiff branch that got broken in the storm, rather than a flexible willow branch (for example) that just bent along with it.

***

Before we go on to my arrival in Vienna, I'm going to discuss another file. I'm not sure which one yet because there's a lot I'd like to delve into before I start in on Vienna.

50. 1983

For this next installment of my autobiography I've decided to quote directly from the human rights report I wrote up while living in Chicago... contrary to my father's belief, I did write it in English (not Russian). Since I wrote it about 15 years ago, it was much closer to the time these events occurred, so my memory would have been better. Besides, so much has happened since then that also would have contributed to blurring of the memory.

***

When I returned to [the city where I was studying], I began my living out of a suitcase experience. I remained strapped financially until the last 3 months when I was able to save a little because I was waitressing [rather than cooking at Pizza Hut] and had to pay minimal rent for a bedroom. I also began to feel estranged from my parents, lacking their moral support and understanding, even after they visited me and saw my difficult situation. ... [T]he then pastor of [our Seattle church] and his wife visited me also while in the area and for years commented even publicly or to my parents about the difficulty of my situation. This annoyed my dad. I got the impression it made him look like he should have done something to help out. (Later they said they hadn't known I was in such difficult straits). Well, they did help out - mom offered to send me $25 a month to have my hair cut. As a budgetary decision, I let my hair grow that year. I was pretty mad at this offer - which she carried out. I was living off $10 a week for food a good part of that year - which isn't much.

... In addition, I was also doubting more and more whether I wanted to work with [Slavic Gospel Association] or not. My doubts centered mostly around the management of the organization. Several times their personnel director, Jay Ter Louw, asked me when I was going to begin working full-time for them. I always hedged in answering him.

What bothered me was that the mission seemed to be run more like a business than a mission. For people (readers) who aren't Christians this might be difficult to understand. There was a kind of spiritual vacuum in the decision-making and management policies & practices.

One significant example of this was when "all of a sudden" 1/3 of the (all salaried) home office staff were let go. Since the mission was a non-profit organization none of these people were eligible to receive unemployment insurance and most were only given 2-3 days notice of dismissal.

I was appalled from the standpoint of financial irresponsibility (why did they just "suddenly" realize they were bad off financially?) They had not long before that acquired a new warehouse and computer system. I was also disturbed that a mission could treat its workers so. It seemed pretty unethical to me.

Not only that, but the mission began to call in workers from their European & South American mission fields who were all on faith support - not salary - from individuals and churches to cover the now vacant office positions. These people had gone into their work believing God had called them to that ministry. How could a mission take so many lives away from that? Several of the missionaries from South America (working with Russians and in short wave radio from HCJB in Quito, Ecuador) and spent many years (10-20) in their work.

Later, as I was forced into studying how secret services work as a matter of my own defense in the face of actions taken against me personally by E. Eur. missions, I realized that it is a common tactic to periodically re-shuffle staff so that the opponent can't make sense of who does what and knows what I what. I saw this also in Vienna.

Unfortunately, it wasn't until several years later that I realized the significance of a statement by SGA's Asst. Dir. in charge of accounting. In passing (alone) in the basement corridor at the head office between his office and the library, where I was working, he told me that SGA received money from the CIA for its radio work. It was kind of a strange thing to tell me and I guess it was a kind of a test. They were pretty sure they had me nabbed for work in the Soviet Union, either with them or with another organization. It probably didn't matter too much to them with whom since most of the big name E. Eur. missions practically have to have contact w/SGA.

This was a difficult year for me ('82-'83), and many would have given up trying to go to school, prepare for East European mission work, but I felt God's call for me and that I had to continue. I struggled with what God was trying to tell me or teach me through the difficulties, but even so I knew I couldn't give up.

In the spring of '83 I began getting more waitressing shifts at Pizza Hut and my living expenses were minimal, so I was able to save some money. That summer I went back to Europe - kind of as a last try to see if I would work with [SGA] long-term. I raised money from churches and individuals for this, which included my flight to and from Europe. With the money I saved I was able to eek out enough to study German two months in Berlin and work five weeks at [a research center specializing in religion in Eastern Europe]. Throughout this time I continued to live on a shoe string.

***

That's all I'm going to quote for now, but I do want to add a few comments.

You'll remember that my dad offered to pay off my school loans? My Bible school wasn't registered such that I could get a deferment while studying there, so I was paying on it during this time. I'll see if I still have (or can run down) when it was finally paid off, but it definitely was off my shoulders before I went to Vienna. I know my Grandmother's annual gifting helped me pay for my first Master's studies; it's even possible that that's how I paid off the undergraduate ones too, but I know I was still paying them while in Bible School, but I believe I got a deferment for while I was in Europe in 1983.

The incident where I was told that SGA got CIA money was out of sequence chronologically, and didn't occur until 1984 after my return from Europe, but the thought sequence fit where it is in the text.

Also, I should explain more the laying off of staff in Vienna. The staff that were laid off were all salaried from the organizational budget, but the people they brought in from the field were not paid out of the main budget. Instead their income came from supporters, although the organization took a percentage of that for support services and the like. So you can see how the mission was wrangling this financially for their favor. I got to know some of the people brought in from the field and they were some of the most wonderful people, really. Some of them took the move pretty badly too, being hurt by it, I mean, having to leave their mission like that.

One other thing about SGA. When I very first developed contact with the mission, in 1980 I heard Mr. Deneyka, Sr. speak, the one who founded the mission, and he was a very godly man. He was famous for the saying "much prayer, much power," and he lived it and believed it too. Later on in my contact with the mission he was failing and in a nursing home. I suppose he's passed on by now. My understanding is that the mission changed after he stepped down from the leadership, and I believe he had already stepped down by the time I came along. I didn't know the organization before, so I didn't know exactly how the change came about to where it was when I experienced it.

Regarding SGA's shuffling around of its workers, I'm not positive that that was purposely a ploy/tactic to confound detractors, but if they wanted to do that (confound detractors) what they did would have been one possible approach. What' harder to believe: that they were that financially inept? or that they did this intentionally? Personally, I'm torn between these two options and find either and/or both plausible.

Missions that had contact with me may well be angry that I put these things in my report that was given to the Russian government, who evidently translated it. My answer to them is that this kind of thing (their activities I report here) doesn't belong in Christian missions in the first place. Quit hiding behind the fabricated wall of secrecy and make yourself accountable for your actions. No one else seems to have the guts to say anything. And you're welcome to explain your actions to the world using the comment box at the bottom of the page.

I trust you understand that I wasn't literally "forced" (like at gunpoint, for example) to study these things, like the brainwashing which I've already written about, but I was driven to it to try to make sense of what was happening to me. I mean, if one can't make sense of the world around one it would be very easy to go crazy.

To give you a better idea of how I was living out of a suitcase, I'd like to briefly elaborate on that aspect of my life during the first half of 1983. I lived for one month on the sofa of a gal (I think it was someone else who worked with the Russian emigrants knew her and brought us together). So I slept in her living room, and it made it cramped for her, for sure, but also not the most conducive conditions for studying.

Then I spent about a month apartment sitting for a couple who were trying to adopt in South America and went down there to pick up their adoptee. Since I at least had the apartment to myself it was a little easier to spread out study, but I was still living out of a suitcase, or maybe 2 suitcases. I remember their cat Mozart wanting to sit on my book that was trying to study. He was a very nice cat, but a bit too persistent.

Then the last 3 months I rented a room from an older lady who needed the income. She was a very nice lady, and there were 3 of us together, and we really made a motley crew - I was the youngest coming in at 24, then next was a very strong Roman Catholic Polish lady probably in her 50s or 60s who hardly new any English (she was sort of a live-in nurse aide for the lady I rented from), and the owner who might have been in her 80s and was a very strict orthodox Jew, I think originally from Ukraine. She could communicate with the Polish lady through their Slavic languages, which were similar enough, but she also spoke fluent Yiddish. Sometimes I could make out a bit it when she used it visiting with a guest. One time I got chided (granted in a very gentle way) for listening to music on the Sabbath. I hadn't known about that rule, I guess. She taught me how to make Farfel Pudding... oh, and guess what? Here it is! What do you know... Surprise, surprise...

***

Mrs. Apple's Farfel Pudding

3 c. Manischewitz Matzo farfel
1 qt. boiling water
1 1/2 lemons, grated rind & juice
2 eggs
1/2 c. sugar
1 t. salt
3 T. chicken fat or butter (peanut oil)

Pour boiling water over farfel; let soak for 10 min., then drain off excess water. Add lemon juice & grated rind, beaten eggs, sugar, salt and fat. Mix well, put into greased baking dish & bake for 2 hours in moderate oven (325 degrees F). Serve with raisin sauce.

(apples, bananas & prunes are good in it) <- That's how I have it written on my 3x5 card. Mix these in before putting the pudding in the oven.

***

If you can't find Matzo farfel, you might have to wait till Passover time next year for it to appear on grocery store shelves. Sorry that my timing is off on that score, but I'm not waiting that long to write my autobiography.

~ Meg

49. Autumn 1982

I'm using my 1982 calendar as a backdrop for piecing together a few early highlights from that time.

All the students at Bible school, as is common in such schools, had to have a ministry each semester. For my first year I arranged to have my ministry be with the Soviet emigrants. Out ministries had to be approved and so were recorded with the appropriate school authorities. I assume that's how a Christian radio station found out about my student ministry, and I was invited to be interviewed live on October 13, 1982 at 7 a.m..

However, my youngest brother, who had just graduated from high school the previous year (the same brother who got stuck in eastern Washington when Mt. St. Helens blew) was having a bad time of it with homesickness and he was at a school just a few hours away from me. So I had spent the previous weekend visiting him to help him through that time and didn't bring homework with me so that I could focus on being with him.

That was fine, and I was glad I was able to do that, but that left me with little time to get my expanded outline of all the kings of Israel (as united and also divided kingdoms) ready to be handed in the morning of... October 13.

Now I've been pretty good, historically at time management and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've ever had to pull an all-nighter for school, but it just so happened that one of those all-nighters fell on the night of... you guessed it... Oct. 12-13.

In this case, I'm afraid I did better on the assignment than on the interview. I was, needless to say, very tired and not at my best for the interview, although I could have done a lot worse than I did, I'm sure. But it also wasn't the best I could have done under other circumstances.

I remember one question in particular (I can't remember the exact wording, but this is the gist of it), where I was asked what got me interested in work with Soviet emigrants. I remember thinking (this is in my fatigued state, remember) that I thought it was a silly question - why did anyone go into a ministry. The obvious answer was "I felt a call" (which for best effect should be said with a deep and somber voice). That is always applicable to such things, although it may not always be true, I'm sure. But I answered with something about my Ukrainian heritage initially drawing me to that part of the world.

That's the only question I remember specifically, but a Russian friend had taped the interview and we listened to it later. I guess it wasn't too bad; I didn't make a complete fool of myself anyway. Hopefully they weren't too sorry they'd asked me. I certainly did my best under the circumstances.

The retreat for the graduate program was the next weekend, but I don't remember it, so I may not have gone.

That's all I have in my 1982 calendar, for the months of that year I was in Bible school, I mean.

***

Only those who were either in a graduate level program or married could live off campus at that school, and I met the first criteria, so I was able to live in an apartment with a couple other gals, one of whom I knew from before. But that fall she decided to move back to her hometown, so there were just two of us left.

I was working at Pizza Hut, but just eking by on what I was making. So when one roommate left, that meant I'd have to pay more to live there to account for only 2 of us sharing the rent and utilities bills. That was really too much for me and then I had a falling out with the other roommate anyway over a moral issue, which clinched the deal.

That Christmas break our family was taking a family vacation, the first one all together with all of us as adults (meaning, we'd all graduated from high school). But because of the timing, I ended out having to move right before the vacation, but I didn't know where to, so my brother, the one a few hours from me at that time, helped me pack things up in boxes. A bunch of things were left with a friend and other boxes were put in storage elsewhere. Unfortunately a bunch of my books ended up in kitchen cabinets and I still have evidences of cocktoaches on some of them. (Yuck!)

For the next 12 months I lived virtually out of a suitcase.

That family vacation to Mexico was pretty much a disaster, although I did enjoy it. I think mom and dad especially were frustrated because us "kids" all brought our issues with us that we were facing back home. So it wasn't this "magical" sort of Leave it to Beaver type of idyllic time together. There wasn't anything unusual about it, though as far as politics or the like is concerned, we were just dealing with our issues and couldn't leave them back home. I do think, though, that maybe this is a harbinger of things to come, as far as mom and dad wanting to sort of have this perfect family or maybe portray that image. That will come up in the spring of 1983, though, so I won't say anything more about that now.

***

That's all for now. We'll pick up from here next time, although I do want to get some pictures of my little garden (in the here and now) in too at some point.

~ Meg