After thinking about my last post, I realized I probably come across somewhat bitter or even angry towards my mom, and I guess that's not completely inaccurate. I mean, I think she was wrong to suggest that I'm just here enjoying the high life (and that's not the only recent erroneous assumption she's revealed about me). It hurts to think that that's what she really thinks about me, too.
I don't really know what's going on between mom and my brothers because I've had to back away from them while I try to just deal with my own situation and try to keep myself from drowning (that's figurative, of course). But I really hold my brother in New York state more responsible for framing the issues and giving my other brother and mom in Seattle conceptions about me.
But even that's not so simple either. I do think my brother in NY has done some things I think are wrong, but I think he feels cornered and he's just trying to keep his life together. Maybe a comparison to something else will help.
When I was living in Russia I was twice attacked (briefly in both instances, thankfully) by German shepherds (which many people keep as watch dogs at least in the area where I was living). Where I was winter days could get as little as about 5 hours daylight, so I might not actually have been out that early, but it was still dark outside. I was heading to the tram stop and was walking on the sidewalk along the street. There must have been a good 3 to 5 yards (meters) between the sidewalk and the apartment building, but I think the dog felt threatened because he was sort of cornered or something, but he just lunged at me and made teeth holes in my knee-high winter boots. I was sure glad I was wearing those boots!
I think my brother might be in a situation sort of like that dog: to protect himself he's lashed out at me, making me the fall guy.
I'm not a psychologist, but I know that the mind can do funny things as far as justifying actions or finding reasons for things. I don't want to go into detail right now about what happened last year when I was living in his apartment, but let's just say it ended very badly, which is how I ended out back here. I think he's been desperately trying to hold his life together, and I saw some things that I thought were wrong, and I couldn't ignore. I don't think he's a bad person, but I do think he feels emasculated and, to a certain extent, powerless, so he lashes out like that dog that bit my boot. But the long and the short of it is that now he's framing the issues with the rest of my family, so that they can help uphold the public image he wants to portray. At least that's what I think, but that's also somewhat of an over-simplification of things too.
The problem with the way he's handling this, though, is that I've already paid very heavy prices (repeatedly) in my life for standing up for what I believe in (although I haven't always done it perhaps the best way), and one thing that's helped me keep my head together is the thought that at least I've tried to be true to my values and beliefs despite sometimes very heavy pressure to acquiesce. I still believe that the things that were bothering me in New York are wrong, and at this point I saw too much to easily dissuade me from that view. So I'm a threat to him, and the question is what will it take to break me to get me to give in and change my mind. Once you get to know me better, you'll understand that it would really take a lot for that to happen.
I don't want to ruin my brother's life, and I wanted to find a better way to address my concerns, but I didn't know how, and then mom opened the can of worms and I've paid the price for it.
One theme I wanted to bring up eventually in these posts, is the idea of "Capalini-isms". Every social group has their social norms and ways to uphold them. They also have collective stories and histories, rituals and the like. In this vein, I wanted at some point to begin to address some "Capalini-isms", at least they''re family truths/norms as I understand the family. I wasn't really going to start on this kind of discussion yet, but I think this would be a good place to say that recently I've been thinking that the family has sort of a "win-lose" approach to relations within the family. That is, in any given area or aspect of life, in relation to each other, someone is a "winner" (comes out on top) and someone is a "loser" (comes out on bottom). This goes for supposedly good or desirable areas, such as wealth or good health, as well as bad or problem areas, such as poor health or "blameless" victimization.
The positive areas are probably pretty easy to understand, but the negative ones might need a bit of explanation. Here are some examples of how this thinking goes: "I'm sicker than you, so more deserving of the family's sympathy, help and attention" or "I've been nustreated worse than you (and obviously faultless in the matter) so my bad situation is more obviously not my fault than your situation - what's your excuse?". There are alternatives to this way of looking at things, which maybe I'll discuss in a later post.
I think maybe because of my position in the family (oldest child, only daughter) I never really understood this social rule in the family until this past year. I didn't realize there was such a strong "win-lose" mentality. I don't like that at all, but it would be hard for me at the moment to express that, because part of this mentality says that if someone disagrees with this system, it's most likely because that person is jealous of someone else in the family who is better/worse off than s/he. And if a person disagrees with the system who is actually coming out on top in such comparisons it's most likely because s/he is too modest. At the moment I'm coming out on bottom, but they also don't know about my new health problems. However, it really is fine with me that they don't know about them, because that's not the main issue here. The main issue is that this whole system and also the things I disagreed with my brother in New York about are the real issues in my opinion.
But I feel trapped in this whole thing not only because I can't figure how to get this self-perpetuating system to stop so we can reconfigure it all to be what I think as a healthier way of thinking and relating to each other, but I also am not in a health position to be able to take on the extra stress to face this all head-on as it needs to be addressed (although even if it were to be addressed head-on, I think it should also be addressed delicately so as to find a constructive way to deal with it and not just crush the whole family thing to smithereens. I'm not sure exactly how to do that.)
Of course, as I say this, I know there is a lot that you don't know and so this probably sounds rather cryptic. I don't really mean to be cryptic, except that it really is a mess, and I can't explain everything here right now, so you'll have to get it in bits and pieces. Also, I can feel my fibromyalgia reacting to this stress and it's also time for me to get on with my daily activities (although I already did my morning stimulator session and had 2 rounds or meds/supplements, so it's not like I've not done anything).
Sorry to subject you to this mess. Next post will be a pleasant one, I promise.
~ Meg
