I finally got up the nerve to call mom, and I think it helped that they prayed about it with me at church this morning.
The phone call started out okay; we just chit-chatted about how we were doing, which isn't a whole lot on either end considering our health issues. I could feel the competition thing, what I mentioned in my last post about "might makes right", kick in. I told her I was still sick (since December), the doctors agree that it's a virus of some kind, the infectious disease doctor wants to run more tests, and my fevers are climbing again. She just jumped right in with how someone there had a virus for a month and was sneezing and sniffling... I felt like she was making she I knew my place that my 8 month long virus is nothing much to worry about.
But then when I told her about the thyroid acting up (I'll know for sure later this week from the blood tests, but the symptoms are there) and how I expect if that's so I'll probably have my thyroid taken out. Immediately she jumped on that as being of major importance, that they're actually going to cut something in my body, which is a crisis of sorts. I told her it's no big deal, which I don't think it is. At this point it would be a lot better to have the thyroid out and have that problem all done with - I just wish I could do that with fibromyalgia and this viral thing.
Her response to the possible surgery though immediately made me feel like such knowledge would give her power and she would feel obligated to tell my brothers about it and everyone would come together, she'd be the ring-leader, and we'd all be a happy family again.
Then after she started giving me detailed updates on my brother up north, the one I lived near before having to move back here, and his kids, I interrupted her to tell her that at this point I really didn't care about them and as far as I was concerned there was no relationship there. Well, I won't bore you with all the details, but that's the gist of it.
So now, I feel like I need to share about what happened with my brother and I. This is my side of the story and I don't know exactly what he's telling people, but I know a couple things he's saying that I absolutely disagree with.
First of all, I was sick the whole time I was up there from March of '09 through January of '10, with the exception of the period from about the middle of October to the middle of December, when I came down with this bug.
I should say to begin that I was sort of afraid of how I'd do in the colder climate, because I hadn't been in a cold climate since I got fibromyalgia - before that the cold didn't bother me at all.
When I arrive up there they were having an unusually cold spring and my "fibrofog" was pretty bad. Eventually I figured out that cold and wet for me are a bad combination for my fibromyalgia. I fared better in cold and dry while there than I did in cold and wet. My fibrofog was bad enough that at one point my brother there asked me if they let me drive when I'm like that. Think senile old lady, and you'll get an idea of what fibrofog is like.
Then at the end of May I came down with really bad dizziness that even landed me in E.R. twice. On the second visit they referred me to an ear-nose-throat doctor and put me on an anti-dizziness medication that helped, but I later learned shouldn't be taken for any length of time as it could do more harm than good over the long haul. I couldn't get in to the ENT until August, however, so I was dizzy virtually all summer, although it ebbed and flowed as far as how bad it was.
During this whole time I was trying to be able to do things with my brother and the boys but it was hard because I wasn't feeling well and also still getting situated which is harder when you're not well. I really tried, but I felt like my attempts were not appreciated and I was even put down. My brother kept telling me about all the things I'd cooked in high school that even dad didn't like, and how my dad and brothers would go out to eat somewhere else afterwards.
Well, I want you to know that 1) I won the home-ec award for my graduating junior high class. In high school I made such things, and very successfully too, as beef burgundy, authentic paella, chocolate eclairs and bouche de noelle. The one thing I made that even I agreed was not good was the curried eggs - maybe I just picked a bad recipe. But even when I lived in Russia my cooking was always well received, even when my housecleaning did not meet their standards, so they weren't just being nice to me in complimenting my cooking. And last Thanksgiving I virtually single-handedly put on a very successful Thanksgiving then mom and my other brother were out visiting so we were all together. Because of my health I had to really plan ahead to have it all come together so smoothly, but it did. And then I made tons of Christmas cookies and candies that everyone liked, even such things as nanaimo bars (our family recipe) and baklava.
When I first arrived up there it was soon going to be my youngest nephew's birthday, so I offered to make a cake, and then somehow I ended out also making fondue too. I wasn't doing that well (fibrofog and just recently having arrived), and it was a cake with ice cream in it and I didn't have enough time for it to freeze right, so it wasn't perfect, and then they disagreed about the fondue, some thinking it was too "cheesy" (?). That was my first experience with my brother's criticism.
Then I was invited to their place one evening for dinner so I thought I'd make some muffins to bring along. I mean, here I was being a recipient of all my brother's giving, and it's hard to just be the recipient. So I brought these muffins over and his boys tried them and were still trying to decide what they thought of them when my brother absolutely refused to try them - they were mincemeat muffins and it turns out he's always hated mincemeat. But really, these muffins were very moist and it was like having lots of fruit in them. Still, he barked at his sons asking them if they like the muffins, but saying it in a way that assumed they didn't. So he basically made them agree with him and they started spitting the muffins out.
I was really devastated about. I mean, I'd just lost a job I really liked and did everything I could to keep it while I was having back surgery, but lost it anyway. Then I had to give up my condo, and now my brother is telling me that I can't even cook, I mean that's how I felt.
After that I told him I didn't want to eat at his place because I didn't want it to be just that I'm a recipient of his generosity if I can't also give something. I said I wouldn't mind coming over just to socialize, but not for a meal.
Then my brother had his birthday in the middle of the summer and there were a couple things he was going to do for it, but I wasn't invited to anything! I mentioned this to mom and she may have said something to him and so he agreed to at least come over to my place for a dinner. Again, you have to understand that I'm not well and it's a big deal for me to cook a whole meal like that. Usually I may cook one or 2 things a day and eat left overs otherwise, some of which I freeze. So for me to make an appetizer, main dish, side dish and dessert all in one day was very hard for me. I asked if he liked lasagna, so he liked that idea, and for dessert he said he wanted something light, because he's trying to watch his weight. I asked if a compote would be okay, and he said yes.
So then at the dinner he really liked the lasagna and the crostini. But I made a special salad with its own dressing and he didn't like that so much, the dressing I guess mostly. But then the compote he really didn't like and then he told me he hadn't even known what compote is! I had made that compote several times and I really like it, but the most important thing is I really began to think that 1) my brother is very rude about these things and doesn't seem to know how to be gracious even if he doesn't like something and I thought it was maybe good that he hadn't been oversees because he'd probably just eat at McDonald's anyway. And the other thing I began to think about is that he might be like that with his sons and maybe his ex-wife too. Maybe he does it to make up for his own securities, but it's still not right and I think to live with that kind of thing would be a kind of emotional abuse.
So now on to another aspect of my time there: how he treated his boys. The main thing I saw early on is how controlling he was. I mean, his boys are 13 and 15 and as one example, but when they were with their dad, my brother, the only friends they had over were kids that were the friends of their dad. At that age I would want to start trying to have some of my own friends and get involved in some activities at school or church or wherever on my own, and maybe even work part-time. But their time was very controlled.
In fact, I have been able to do things in the past with the kids of friends of mine. I remember taking the some of some friends in Vancouver, B.C. (they've moved since then) to Stanley Park and out to lunch. And when I was in Vienna I took the daughter of one of my friends out to the zoo and for her birthday I had her over for a fancy lunch. But could I do that kind of thing with my nephews? No way!
Then my mom gave my brother some money that he was supposed to use for us all doing something together in the summer. Eventually it was decided to go to Six Flags on a certain day when everyone could work it out in their schedule. But at the last minute I couldn't go because my dizziness took a downward spin (sorry, I couldn't resist that pun) a day or so before and didn't let up enough for me to be able to go with them. I was really upset because then that meant my nephews really weren't going to see me having fun with them at all.
But I was also very concerned about my brother's controllingness. I don't think he was always like that, but I don't know how that evolved. But then at one point in the summer, in a very spontaneous way, my youngest nephew came up to me - he took the initiative to broach me on this - and almost announced that his dad used to hit him when he was younger. I asked him if he'd left marks on him and he said he had. I told him that was wrong and that was it. But of course that really hit like a sledgehammer and verified my worst fears. And this particular nephew also has muscular dystrophy.
From mid-September to mid-October I was I was doing exercises to help retrain my brain to correctly read the divergent signals from my two ears (the left one is "over-active") and then I began my preparations for holiday cooking. I was planning to look for part-time work after the holidays, because I'd just recuperated and then we were having out-of-town family visit. That visit went well, although I think I overdid it on the Christmas baking and it ended out being too much for Mom.
But meanwhile, I got diagnosed with sleep apnea and on Dec. 21 I stopped by my brother's to pick up some cookie dough in his freezer that I would bake, but I didn't have much time because I had to go to the second sleep study to get fitted with the CPAP and see how I'd do with it. So this was pretty much an in and out zip-zip-zip visit, just enough to say "Hi, I'm here for the cookie dough, talk to you later" and that's about it. But in that short time the elder son came bounding (playfully, I thought) up the stairs and sort of gave his dad a sock in the arm. My brother just flew off the handle and punched him hard back and I thought it was in anger too. I was a bit shocked but I didn't know how to respond, and I'd been trying to find someone anyway to help advise me on how to deal with this situation I was seeing there, so I left, dropped the cookie dough at home and headed to the sleep study, which was about an hour away. The next day when I talked to mom, just our usual talk about what's going on and how we're doing and the like, and I mentioned to her what I'd seen at my brother's. As I understand it, she must have turned around after the call and called my brother up to confront him with it.
The next morning, Dec. 23, he called me from his office (I was in the apartment upstairs) and presented me with this document that you see below to sign. He even brought a friend in to be a witness.
After that and before I moved out he started threatening me that I shouldn't trash his apartment. Huh? I don't know where he got that idea. So then I found a form on-line and printed it out for him to go around the apartment and see if anything was wrong, but he said his lawyer advised him not to sign anything! Right.
I'd like to respond to some of these items here.
1. Rich did not understand about my fibromyalgia and even started saying he was tired of hearing about it. But it takes a lot for me to make myself as functional as I am and something like having to go to a laundromat is very stressful and when you don't feel well and have to sit in those uncomfortable seats if they have enough, it was like taking 5 steps backwards. Before I went up north I discussed the laundry with him and he agreed I could do it at his place.
2. Regarding being welcome or not in his office... I know he's said things about how I would go down there and talk to his secretary and it would disrupt his work. But I only went there when it was something I had to do, like sending a fax to my doctor, which my brother had offered for me to do.
3. I special ordered key chains for his boys with their names engraved on them, and also got them thumb drives that latch on to the key chain. What am I supposed to do with these now?
4. I don't even know his boys' e-mail addresses, although the elder one had e-mailed me sometime before I knew I'd even be going up there to ask for Russian recipe for his class. I think that's the only e-mail contact I've ever had with either of them. Regarding calling them, I'd only called either of them once. The time I called the younger one was when they were away and I was taking care of their dog. They had this routine that if the dog did a poop she'd get a dog biscuit. I ran out of dog biscuits. So I'd mentioned this to our other brother in Seattle and he thought it was funny and suggested corking the dog. So I called the younger nephew and asked when they thought they'd be picking up their dog because we had this sort of emergency with no dog biscuits. You understand, this was all in fun and joking. I think I also called the other nephew once, but I can't remember why.
5. ? Okay. However, he has called me since as the conduit of news about mom. I guess this restriction only goes one way.
6. Oh thank you. I hate to put you out.
7. I found out from the local RCIL office that he could not legally evict me. The RCIL representative said that an eviction had to come from a judge, and since there was no rent agreement and I didn't pay any rent it is highly unlikely that any judge would order an eviction notice. However, getting the signatures and having a witness is a nice faux-legal step. At that point I DID NOT want to stay and do not intend to have any contact with that brother EVER.
8. Like I said above, he seemed to think I'm the apartment trashing type, which is pure idiocy.
9. I don't know what he means by undermining, but I think it means something like letting the cat out of the bag regarding how he treats his sons. I ended out calling family protective services because I had enough concern and would not have any more contact with them to be able to do anything if there really was a serious problem there. I don't know if they acted on it or not, but it's out of my hands now, and I am not reneging on my conviction that there is some unhealthy parenting going on there.
How would you respond to something like this? I was really shocked, and at least one person I talked with said my mom shouldn't have called my brother about the Dec. 21 incident.
On top of it, I was starting to get sick and when I went to the Dec. 21 sleep study they took my vital signs, and found out I had a fever. Before that I just thought it was my fibromyalgia acting up, but a fever isn't fibromyalgia; I'd been feeling unusually worn down and tired. On Dec. 24 I had a fever of 101.8 and I was on 2 rounds of antibiotics before leaving there and driving back down here. Not long after I arrived here I had another relapse, following the 2nd antibiotic, and may have at that point even developed pneumonia as a secondary infection. I'm still on prescription nasal apray and inhalant too.
The previous summer I'd told mom of some of my concerns about what was going on there and she told me that she'd had concerns for years about my brother's strictness with his boys. But after talking to my brother and since then she (and my other brother too) have sided with my brother. I think it's a matter of risks involved in pushing my brother too far. I told one person before leaving up there that I was the most "expendable" person in the family because I don't have a necessary role to play. Mom isn't strong enough to risk alienating either one of them, and my brother in Seattle isn't going to risk his relationship with our other brother, the one up north, over this. Mom's going to try to patch things up though, and my brother up north might try to too, to make it look like he's the big caring brother despite my causing so many problems. (He's so magnanimous!).
Women are supposed to respond to men being loving protectors, right? Yeah, right.
Here's hoping that you're family is doing better than mine! What a soap opera... talk about drama - we got it.
Till next time,
~ Meg
