I think I mentioned having a lightheaded experience on my way to physical therapy a couple weeks ago which ended out being a high pulse and heard rate and raised concern because of my history of supraventricular tachycardia (rapid heart beat). Then I had a couple incidents of erratic heart beat, but I was the only one to catch them on my oxymeter because by the time professional medical people were involved it had stopped, although the second time my heard rate was still ca. 115 or so, which is high for me as a resting heart rate.
The first time it happened I went to my primary care doctor and I brought my oxymeter and we did verify that mine is accurate (it's new and fr a reputable company). So then when it happened again the next day at about the same time I decided to call 911 (emergency) and they took me to the hospital and they ended out admitting me for 24 hour surveillance and I had a heart monitor.
Well, the other thing was that I was supposed to be hosting a couple coming through town for church and a lot of people were away at a conference and we're not a large church, so this was a problem. I thought I'd be out by Saturday night, but by late Saturday afternoon when the cardiologist still hadn't come by and my discharge was dependent on his say so, I resigned myself to another night in the hospital.
Another couple, who'd just hosted a bunch of people for a wedding and had their house all upended and even had the door off the hook for the guest room for some project that needed to be done, came by to get the key to my condo from me at the hospital so that the guests could get in and I tried to think of what they needed to know. I didn't have everything ready for them, but fortunately, they were very laid back. At least the place was mostly clean.
When I left the hospital I really felt vulnerable. I think that's a good word to describe how I felt. It's not just that everything seems to go wrong, because not everything does - some things don't. But it's like I have absolutely no control over anything. No matter how hard I try, that's what it seems like. That's how I felt when I got home from the hospital. I wanted to be a good hostess.
Then I got another shock. When I saw my primary care doctor the first time I had the erratic heart beat the nurse, in reviewing my meds as recorded in my chart listed ultram (a narcotic pain medicine) and I corrected her and said I haven't been on that for quite some time now (since last summer). I thought she corrected it then, but when I was in the hospital (and it's my primary care doctor that admits me) in the first round of meds they tried to give me ultram! I told the nurse I do not take ultram! (Really and truly, I am NOT a "drug seeker"!). That didn't happen again. But I wanted to get my medical records because I might have appointments with doctors who might be interested in some of the information. It turns out I was also interested in some of the information. Here's from my Laboratory Tests in the emergency room (before I was admitted) at 16:05
Toxicology:
Urine Opiates Screen (2000 CUTOFF) None Detected
Ur Barbiturates Screen (200 CUTOFF) None Detected
Ur Amphetemine Screen (1000 CUTOFF) None Detected
Ur Benzodiazepines Scrn (200 CUTOFF) None Detected
Urine Cocaine Screen (300 CUTOFF) None Detected
U Cannabinoids Screen (50 CUTOFF) None Detected
I just hope it wasn't my primary care doctor that ordered those tests. If it was, maybe she should have added ultram to the list.
I had made an appointment with the cardiologist who did my cardiac ablation in 2007, and when I made the appointment I asked if they take my insurance now and they said they'd deal with that later, which surprised me, but this week they called to say the don't take my insurance so I would either have to pay out of pocket or if I wanted to pick a doctor under my insurance I could run some of those doctors by my old doctor to see who he might recommend. So I e-mailed the list of about 15 or so doctors late yesterday afternoon and am waiting for a response. I hope there's someone there he likes.
***
Anyway, I've been trying to get back in gear since my 36 hour stint in the hospital, but I sort of feel like I've been through the wringer and my medical conditions just keep multiplying. One thing I've been doing, though is continuing to work on the settling in process, so that's been sort of a positive concrete diversion to keep my mind off serious things (like health, family and mom). I learned how to use "Mint" my robotic vacuum. It actually sweeps and mops, but it does a pretty good job and then it frees me up from that task, or at least much of it, which is nice.
Tomorrow they're finally supposed to pack up and take the defective book case/cabinet (it has glass doors) to be fixed. I also had to call Samsung because my refrigerator ice maker isn't working and repairmen are supposed to come for that tomorrow too. I just remembered, though, that they didn't call to confirm and I forgot to call them when they didn't call. I hope they still come.
Even though I'm really burned out but I'm doing my best to find strength, peace, meaning and joy even in the midst of trials. I'm used to picking myself up and dusting myself off and continuing on - heaven knows I've done it enough.
***
There's still some 15 pages, approximately, of text left, so I probably won't finish. This next main chapter section is "CONCEPTS OF THE INFORMAL ORGANIZATION." The first sub-section we're going to look at is "Status.""Status is the rank or relative position of an individual in a group...
A certain status attribute is valued if two conditions are met: the attribute must be perceived by the relevant group as being scarce and desirable. " (p. 436)
What attributes might have been perceived as being scarce and desirable to the Vienna mission? I think education - a certain kind of theological education - would be right up there near the top. Experience, especially if accompanied by education, might be valued, but not as much as education, I don't think. Teaching and leadership skills might also have been valued.
***
"Status itself can be of two varieties, ascribed and achieved. Ascribed status is that social position occupied because of attributes inherent in the individual, such as race, sex, and age, while achieved status is the position a person attains through personal choice, such as education, skills, or marital status. In both formal and informal organizations, the actual status of a person is the result of an interaction of ascribed and achieved status, with the effect of each determined by the relative weight given each by the group." (p. 437)In the Vienna mission we were all Caucasian, so race was not an issue. But the issue there was gender, and roles within the mission were clearly divided along gendered lines. For example, all the textbook writers were males, all the secretaries were females, all the layout staff were females, all the h.r. administration were males, all the senior administration (including h.r.) were males. The only female instructors were in the women's ministry team. If you needed help moving, men did it; if you needed a babysitter, the gals did it, etc., etc. The mission was so divided along gender lines that basically, whether you were male or female, you could just look at half the mission and see what your ministry opportunities might be because that half that matched your gender would give you an idea of your options.
***
Some of the authors' discussion on status is interesting, but I'm not sure I want to quote the whole large section(s).The first topic is about status symbols, such as the proverbial corner office that everyone covets. In the Vienna mission the administration had their offices on the second floor, everyone, including the two secretaries had their own offices (with a view). But the women's ministry team was also up on the second floor.
On one hand the idea of status symbol in a Christian mission seems like an oxymoron (at least to me it does), but when you consider the other things going on there and that they did want to maintain their authority and control over things (for security's sake, etc.), then it's not so surprising after all. It wasn't the kind of thing that the administration just gloated in for it's own sake, having such great office locations, for example. But on the other hand, the fact that they had those offices and others didn't served as a reminder of who was in charge and where the buck stopped. I'm probably making more of the offices than I should, but that was just one thing among many that under-gird that way of thinking about the administration.
The text also discusses status symbols in the informal organization, but, as I've said before, the informal organization in the Vienna mission, was really created by the administration. But since the organization was run virtually completely by men (the women's ministry team had a say in the administrative meetings), the informal women's monthly meetings, which was run largely by wives of the instructors, was one opportunity for women to be in leadership positions and run their own program. In this women's world of the Vienna mission I think there were some somewhat different views on status.
For example, in that world, it was not only where your office was, what your position was, and how long you'd been with the mission, but also who your husband was and who you worked for and what your relationship was like to your boss' wife or to certain other wives or female staff members. So among the women, especially when you included the wives in the mix, you might come up with a different status system than if you were just considering the office workers alone. The men wouldn't have had to deal with that, because all the adult males were working at the office; it was only adult females that might be at-home wives & mothers. If a male worker had a secretary he would have had a vested interest in seeing to it that his secretary and his wife got along, I think, though.
***
It's hard to know where to begin with this one. In principle, I should have wanted to identify with the Vienna mission and gain some kind of status in it. But that's assuming that the mission was something other than what I seem to have found it to be. Practically the whole time I was with the mission I had a hard time identifying with the mission, although I always could identify with its stated purpose. The things I witnessed and experienced in the mission that I disagreed with and even gave me great concern were greater than my need for personal identification or status in the mission.
However, this being said, I think giving these things up were part of the great internal struggle the continued the first year or so after my return home to the States. It was a very difficult thing for me to hold my own, and I did keep hoping that they weren't so bad as it seemed and I'd be able to talk with them and they'd make concessions and we'd straighten things out. But the way things were I couldn't identify with them, at least not as much as they'd have liked.
As to the sanctions, etc. The thing is, and I've mentioned this before, I often had trouble figuring out exactly what they wanted. I mean, I don't want to hear something like "unconditional trust," because that only goes to God. So I'm looking for concrete things that they wanted me to do or not do. And I don't think that if you looked at me that I did anything that was really amiss for a missionary. No one ever said I complained, did bad work, had a bad attitude, was lazy, led a raucous lifestyle, whatever. I was hospitable, friendly, sociable, took initiative at work, etc. So what did I do wrong? The only thing(s) I could possibly have done wrong would have been something regarding security, such as being my father's daughter, for example (he was working as a program manager in the strategic defense initiative - star wars). So, maybe they just didn't want me there in the first place because of him. That's not the only possibility, but it's a promising theory. In any case, I definitely did something wrong because I was most certainly sanctioned and social interactions did cease towards the end of my stay in Vienna. So the issue then is what I did wrong, because I most certainly did something wrong.
***
I'm tired and I think I'll stop here. I went to Home Depot this afternoon to try to figure out a way I can connect my outdoor hose to my shower. All my other faucets, etc. are not the types to connect anything too now that I got all new plumbing fixtures (except in that shower). I have indoor hoses, but they all have permanently attached sprayers and they're 50 feet (ca. 16 meters) long which is like 10 feet (3 meters) or so too short. So the workers at the store helped me, but the connecting piece is a little too wide for the shower head, although the hose fits perfectly on the other end of it. So I have an Oxygenator showerhead (which I took off for doing this) which fine but came with instructions as to what to do if it didn't fit, so I'm going to see if there's anything there I can use to help me get this piece to fit. The things is that often enough I shouldn't be lifting heavy things because of back problems so if I can water my plants on my balcony with a hose rather than a watering pot it would make things a lot easier for me... if I can ever get this thing to work...
