After all that there is just one little phrase I want to quote in this section:
"[C]ommitment may be a necessary but not sufficient condition for the job performance." (p. 453)
I was living proof of that, really, when you think of it. I was committed to the goal as I knew it when I first arrive, as supporters back home knew it. I was hugely committed to East European ministry and I would later prove it by figuring out a way to go to the USSR on my own, because I'd lost all faith in missions, but I was committed to the goal.
But that, you know, was most definitely NOT what the mission wanted. It was a total institution. Other missions, if they read this could possibly nod and shake this off saying most missions end out being like that just because they're overseas and the members sort of bond together. But whether or not that is true, and on a certain level I'm sure that is true, but I'm 100% sure they'd never seen the likes of the Vienna mission and the Vienna mission would have been most vehemently outraged at my audacity to say or think such a thing. And they just might have been motivated to knock me down a notch or two, maybe by even sending me to the USA for counseling, for example.
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The next brief quote comes from the section titled "A Model"."Our interpretation of the literature suggests that commitment to an organization has as its primary source the intra-organizational experiences of the individual." (p. 453)
This doesn't say what kinds of experiences, when the experiences take place, who might be involved, etc. For me, the fact that I had such unexpected experiences early on that ran counter to not only what I expected but also to what I valued and believed in, even very deeply, and that some of these things were downright shocking to me just could not be overcome by any other actions the mission might make later on, clinched the deal.
So whereas everything that led up to the 5th month maybe (?) could have been undone, the event of the 5th month wherein they sent me back to the USA declaring I had culture shock, when in fact it was stress from the mission that they had intentionally created and set up, and I was no where near needing the kind of help they suggested, but the shock of what they did put me over the top so that then I did have a lot of anxiety that they caused. I never talked about the mission though in counseling because I somehow knew that would be the death of me (figuratively speaking). So I dredged up various other stressors while I tried to build up the courage to deal with the mission again. I had to learn how to deal with them and use this opportunity. So I did. I learned to master hiding my true thoughts and feelings. If I could fool professionals I could fool missionaries, and I did.
Saying it like that does make it sound ironically like I was falling into the very trap that I disdained in the mission: disception. And I guess it was. This is a case where Romans 2:1 seems to bear out:
2 Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things.
Well, you wouldn't believe me if I made myself to be all lily white, now, would you? That was my survival tactic and I was backed against a corner, in shock and I didn't really think it through like this. It was just something I did. There was too much going on to sort it through that clearly yet; I was still in shock. I think I was in shock at least for months after that. So I was thinking - a lot! - but there was too much going on, so it was piecemeal and not very put together.
So getting back to the text... my intra-organizational experiences the first quarter of my time with the mission were in the gutter and they blew it for any hope of commitment to the mission. If the mission thought that sending me back to the USA would resolve my independent streak (e.g., my desire to work with Austrians, which I had upfront spoken with my sending mission about before arriving in Vienna), they very clearly did not know me and underestimated my resolve to do church work in Slavic countries, they underestimated my commitment to my value system, they underestimated my knowledge base. So basically, the all around underestimated me. When I lived in Maryland and used the University of Maryland library I used to get a kick out of their banners that read "Fear the Turtle" (their mascot). It's so counterintuitive to fear a turtle; who'se afraid of a turtle? So that's me, a little turtle needing a banner that says "Fear the Turtle". (Sorry, Maryland, I'm sure you are very fearsome and your turtle is quite the exception as far as turtles go.)
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That's all for now because I was interrupted while writing this so my day has gone farther than I'd like. I'll send another later, Lord willing.