It never rains but it pours, right? So much has happened in my life since I began this blog, that it's hard to believe, but that's how my life has been for most of my adult life, although the issues change.
I still have the Organizational Behavior file open to where I left off here, but I'm still doing things related to mom's death, trying to find a condo... and my lumbar is getting worse on top of it. This will be my third spinal stenosis since 2008, and I suspect it's going to be another diskectomy and fusion. Dare I repeat the question about how long it will take for my whole spine to end out in one big fusion? Nah... I can't deal with that. Still, it sort of sits in the back of my head.
Currently I'm up to 400 mg of tramadol a day for my back pain (I also have lesser pain in my legs and feet), I'm having gradually increasing problems with my legs and walking, and my gastro-intestinal system is also taking a hit. Last Thursday evening my g.i. doctor had me drink the stuff that you drink before having a colonoscopy, so you can tell how bad it might be getting. And that isn't helping my mid-section pain any either.
Last Saturday I was pretty nauseous and had to increase one of my meds that helps with that kind of thing, so I didn't make it to church Sunday. I'm expecting that it might be hard to do much extra beyond what I absolutely have to do until the back problem is fixed.
I had an MRI of the lumbar today and I see the pain specialist next week in follow up. If he determines I might need surgery he'll send me back to the neurosurgeon. I can't get in to the g.i. doctor for a month, but at least he's gotten back to me and helped with instructions and gotten me prescriptions. The rheumatologist is checking me out for psoriatic arthritis and sent me to the dermatologist for another skin biopsy (the first one only showed inflammation and the like), and this one the dermatologist thought could be not psoriasis, but basal cell carcinoma (i.e., skin cancer). And since I'm on my third stenosis, I figured maybe it was about time to get the opinion of a orthopaedist, so I see him Friday.
I hope you can appreciate how I might be burned out and not ready to return my focus to this blog. It seems my whole life is turned upside down, in that my home is in limbo, my health is on the fritz (again) and my family is being greatly reconfigured with the death of our last parent.
Most of my attention has been on the condo, since at least the doctors are mostly lined up so I don't have to scramble in that regard like I have in the recent past. But I also know from experience that at some point here I'm not going to be able to do any condo searching because of my health. As it is I have been instructed by my primary care doctor for a month now not to do any lifting, which, as you can guess, might hamper moving preparations. So I feel somewhat of an urgency to try to find something, although I don't expect to be able to actually move until after the surgery (which I assume is in the pipeline).
With all these crises of various stripes I'm not quite up to facing my Vienna experiences head on at the moment, so I hope you will grant me some leniency in this regard. Thanks for your interest.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
270. Miscellaneous Reprieve
I'm sorry about all these real-time interruptions, but that's my life, really. Here's the low-down on what's occupying me of late.
1) Condo search. I have to move now because of the inheritance (making me ineligible to stay where I am, although they would give me some time to move). I feel a bit pushed though because my back is getting worse, so at some point I'm not going to be well enough to look any more. Already I can't do lifting, which means I might find the condo but not be able to move until I'm better.
2) My back. My back pain is gradually increasing, although it's still nothing 50 mg. of constant tramadol can't keep in line at this point. I see the rheumatologist Tues. and the neurosurgeon Wed. so I should have a good idea by the end of the week what might happen next.
Other than that I've become more convinced that something is wrong with my taste buds now. I first noticed it a few weeks ago when eating a saltine cracker to help swallow pills (get them down) and I thought the cracker tasted funny. Now any kind of saltine or oyster cracker and the like, even ones I know are fresh all taste in that same funny way. So I think it's something with my salt receptors or something along those lines. I don't eat a lot of salt otherwise and so it might not be so evident in my regular eating, I suppose. Anyway, I need to have that checked out too.
Along with the increased lower-mid back pain, which girds my waist (rather than radiating down my legs - although I do have some increase pain in my legs which could also be the fibromyalgia reacting to my increasing leg weakness). I'm especially having trouble with my left leg, as is evident in physical therapy. Left leg raises to the side are hard to do.
Other than that, I've been neglecting a lot of things, such as cooking, cleaning, bill paying, errands (like oil change for the car and picking up a prescription at the pharmacy). The condo search has been taking a lot of time but the realtor seems really dedicated to helping me find something, so he's working long hours, and that means I also an occupied long hours at it too. Since I do feel some pressure because of my health decline (again) I'm sort of glad we're working so intensely on it, but I need to try to catch up on some things this weekend.
I think that's about it. I still have the organizational behavior file open, though, to work on as soon as I can.
1) Condo search. I have to move now because of the inheritance (making me ineligible to stay where I am, although they would give me some time to move). I feel a bit pushed though because my back is getting worse, so at some point I'm not going to be well enough to look any more. Already I can't do lifting, which means I might find the condo but not be able to move until I'm better.
2) My back. My back pain is gradually increasing, although it's still nothing 50 mg. of constant tramadol can't keep in line at this point. I see the rheumatologist Tues. and the neurosurgeon Wed. so I should have a good idea by the end of the week what might happen next.
Other than that I've become more convinced that something is wrong with my taste buds now. I first noticed it a few weeks ago when eating a saltine cracker to help swallow pills (get them down) and I thought the cracker tasted funny. Now any kind of saltine or oyster cracker and the like, even ones I know are fresh all taste in that same funny way. So I think it's something with my salt receptors or something along those lines. I don't eat a lot of salt otherwise and so it might not be so evident in my regular eating, I suppose. Anyway, I need to have that checked out too.
Along with the increased lower-mid back pain, which girds my waist (rather than radiating down my legs - although I do have some increase pain in my legs which could also be the fibromyalgia reacting to my increasing leg weakness). I'm especially having trouble with my left leg, as is evident in physical therapy. Left leg raises to the side are hard to do.
Other than that, I've been neglecting a lot of things, such as cooking, cleaning, bill paying, errands (like oil change for the car and picking up a prescription at the pharmacy). The condo search has been taking a lot of time but the realtor seems really dedicated to helping me find something, so he's working long hours, and that means I also an occupied long hours at it too. Since I do feel some pressure because of my health decline (again) I'm sort of glad we're working so intensely on it, but I need to try to catch up on some things this weekend.
I think that's about it. I still have the organizational behavior file open, though, to work on as soon as I can.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
269. Still Reprieve
I haven't forgotten this blog - it's just that I've been very busy. And Sunday my legs took a turn for the worse, which is in addition to Thursday night my autoimmune rash on my neck started getting worse again too. So I've been talking to and seeing doctors. Today my new dermatologist took a biopsy of the skin on the neck. And I was on the phone today with the physician's assistant for the neurosurgeon; I see the neurosurgeon next week. Yesterday while I was at BJ's (one of those box-store warehouse membership stores) when I felt the problem getting worse with my legs and it's continued through today too.
Then I've been still working on buying a condo, and tomorrow I'm going out with a realtor to see a bunch of places we've found that seem to meet all my basic criteria and otherwise look reasonably interesting. At this point I'm thinking that even if I bought something this week it's very likely that I might not actually be able to move until after a very likely lumbar surgery (I'm speaking from personal experience here, having had two spinal diskectomies and fusions already since 2008). When I was at BJ's yesterday, though, I very fortuitously found whole boxes of reasonably size and good quality to take home with me. I could have taken more I think, but at least it's a start and I can start sort of packing things up as I'm able. I can't do lifting though, so I won't be working on things like books at this point. I'm also hoping I can get a reasonable enough condo that I really like so that I will have enough money left over to do some of the things I want to fix it up.
I was supposed to spend Sunday afternoon with a friend, but she had to leave town on business, so I just kept myself busy, not wanting to think about it being Mother's Day. Saturday I got the rest of the funeral home notices that my brother in Seattle sent me, so yesterday I got them all in the mail, including a packet of other things too for a good friend of mom's husband (her friend died about a year ago), and also I sent the gift I'd gotten for mom for Mother's Day to the couple who let me stay with them while I was in Seattle for the funeral.
Meanwhile, I'm not getting caught up on household things, although I did manage to vacuum the other day. It's going on 1:00 and I still have one more thing to iron, but I'm too tired and I have a full day of looking at condos tomorrow, so that will just have to wait.
Anyway, as soon as I get a breather I'll get back to the regular posts on the organizational behavioral file.
Then I've been still working on buying a condo, and tomorrow I'm going out with a realtor to see a bunch of places we've found that seem to meet all my basic criteria and otherwise look reasonably interesting. At this point I'm thinking that even if I bought something this week it's very likely that I might not actually be able to move until after a very likely lumbar surgery (I'm speaking from personal experience here, having had two spinal diskectomies and fusions already since 2008). When I was at BJ's yesterday, though, I very fortuitously found whole boxes of reasonably size and good quality to take home with me. I could have taken more I think, but at least it's a start and I can start sort of packing things up as I'm able. I can't do lifting though, so I won't be working on things like books at this point. I'm also hoping I can get a reasonable enough condo that I really like so that I will have enough money left over to do some of the things I want to fix it up.
I was supposed to spend Sunday afternoon with a friend, but she had to leave town on business, so I just kept myself busy, not wanting to think about it being Mother's Day. Saturday I got the rest of the funeral home notices that my brother in Seattle sent me, so yesterday I got them all in the mail, including a packet of other things too for a good friend of mom's husband (her friend died about a year ago), and also I sent the gift I'd gotten for mom for Mother's Day to the couple who let me stay with them while I was in Seattle for the funeral.
Meanwhile, I'm not getting caught up on household things, although I did manage to vacuum the other day. It's going on 1:00 and I still have one more thing to iron, but I'm too tired and I have a full day of looking at condos tomorrow, so that will just have to wait.
Anyway, as soon as I get a breather I'll get back to the regular posts on the organizational behavioral file.
Friday, May 6, 2011
268. Reprieve: Family
I got to thinking yesterday about the role of fear in getting people to keep "secrets" and I decided that fear, while it could sometimes be healthy, I don't think it's the best reason to keep secrets. And, again, it's like a good chunk of my adult life has been characterized by secrets of one sort or another and I don't want to live my life that way. But if I choose to disregard fears that might influence me to keep secrets, the very thing(s) I fear might become a reality and I could have to pay a heavy price for not respecting those fears. But what is worse, living a life of fear and living in a world of forced secrets or the possible negative fallout from not keeping secrets?
Then I got to thinking about one situation in particular where I didn't keep a secret. When I was in Bible school I did some work for a middle-aged nurse, maybe a little older than I am now. She invited me to spend Easter with her brother's family; her brother was a Lutheran pastor and he had a daughter about my age. I began doing things with that daughter, such as go out for lunch or go to the zoo. One time she confessed to me that she was bolemic, and said her family didn't know about it. Later I shared this with a pastor friend, who had a church that was mostly Romanian (he had had a ministry to that part of the world for many years), and he most emphatically said I should have told this girl's parents. But I didn't, although it was out of fear so much as out of a sense that I needed to respect her desire that her parents not know, thinking maybe she would lose her trust in me. I can't remember how this happened, but we lost touch and I don't know what happened with her.
Then there was my neighbors upstairs from me in Russia. A common apartment feature in Russia seemed to be buildings with many stairwells/elevators going up, with 3 apartments on each floor or platform. I was in the middle and the two neighbors on either side of me were very nice, quiet people. But upstairs there was a youngish family where there was some drinking. They had 2 very lovely young daughters, maybe 5 and 7 years old. Sometimes I heard loud angry voices from the adults, especially the father, and stomping and running after the two little girls who would be screaming and/or crying. I didn't call the police, but I really should have. I guess the only thing I might have had to fear in that case was a bad relationship with my neighbors.
So the thing is, when should you be quiet and when do you need to speak out? For me, it's hard to decide when there is so much going on, when I don't feel well, when it's hard enough for me to just take care of myself, when I'm all alone and don't have anyone to rely on or help me. So it's really the easiest thing, at least in the short run, to just not decide and just set it aside and in that way keep secrets not so much as an active decision to do so as a lack of decision to speak up.
***
A day later...
My rash that started last August is back, although this time I'm on medications for it and it's still acting up. There's one medicine that I'm not on the highest levels the allergist has recommended, so I'm increasing that one today, but I have appointments next week with both a new dermatologist (my old one doesn't take my insurance) and the allergist. My primary care doctor today concurred that I should lift heavy things because of the new back issue.
Meanwhile last night I found out that the gal I was going to have lunch with Sunday had to go out of town, so now I don't know what I'll do Mother's Day.
I'm not a good candidate for the "How to Win Friends and Influence Enemies" mindset because I don't like instrumental relationships, and I think these things smack of that, even if just subtly. I give people the right to like or not like me as they choose, but I'm not going to try to "win" them. I'm a "what you see is what you get" kind of person, which sort of fits with all this dislike for secrecy and the like. But I think that Jesus was like that too. He didn't beat around the bush, although if His listeners didn't have "eyes to see and ears to hear" they might not have understood, but that's a spiritual mindset issue. He didn't deny that He was the Son of God or give the impression that He was other than that. And He also didn't force people to accept Him, although He could make it very clear that there could be consequences for rejecting Him. I can't really say the same for me, in that I don't suppose there's much by way of consequences anyone would face for not liking me, or even for just not believing me (with or without the liking element). This kind of approach to life doesn't necessarily bode well for success in this world, but at least I can console myself that I'm in good company and I walk away with a clear conscience that I didn't try to deceive someone into liking me, for example.
***
Back to the issue at hand though, the family secrecy issue. I'm just going to go for it here, although I'm bound to suffer for it later.
Regarding mom, I feel badly that I didn't call her more often than I did, but I did talk to her several times a week usually and I had prepared two (and even sent one) gifts for her. These weren't anything of great proportion mind you, but I'm rather poor, so I have to content myself with well thought out meaningful gifts rather than splashy or exorbitant gifts, although that's not to say that the later gifts can't also be well thought-out and meaningful. But for me with my health constraints this kind of thing takes a fair amount of pre-planning to get it all together in a timely fashion. So it's not like I was ignoring her or not paying attention to her, but she might have needed more frequent contact. So I feel badly about that, but I had been through enough myself that I needed a little space to keep myself together too, especially since I'm here all by myself with no one really to help me.
I just say this because I think my brothers might feel some regrets for having done or not done this or that. I don't know about my one brother, but my brother in Seattle has expressed some of this. He really did a lot for mom, but mom could be rather difficult sometimes and my brother I think got frustrated with her from time to time. So evidently the night before she died (or the night of her death) he stopped by her place exhausted from working such long hours (70+ hours a week for a month or more) and found her in bed still in the evening having eaten a full half gallon of ice cream he had gotten her out of sort of a guilt feeling for not being so available to her. He didn't like to get her those kinds of foods because he was trying to encourage her to eat better and also get up more and go walking and the like. So when he came in that evening he said something to the effect of being tired of this "bull crap" (her laying in bed all day and eating all the ice cream in one fell swoop). When he finally found the empty bottle of pills after her death - a full month's supply he'd just brought her - and a brief note that said "good-bye bull crap" (or something to that effect) it really cut him to the core. I guess you can appreciate this.
So that's one thing. Another thing is a couple things mom had told me in the last few weeks of her life. The first one involved my other brother with the two boys. She said something about all of us kids being single and I was a little surprised and asked about this brother's girlfriend (at least I understood their relationship to be romantic in nature and it seemed pretty strong when I was there). She said that his girl friend didn't want to marry him because she saw the same things in him that I had. Now I'm not sure where she made this connection, as I'm sure it would have been something she put together, as my brother would never have given such an explanation for what happened with their relationship. But the thing was that she seemed to come around to seeing (again) that I understood what was going on correctly (again, because she had a year or so earlier given me credit for correctly understanding a couple other situations).
The thing here, however, is not as straight forward as it seems, I think, because to a certain extent (maybe even to a large extent) mom could be a bit of an opportunist (for whatever reason). What I mean is that if things had gone well with the couple, even if I was right about my brother, she would have been motivated to discredit my view because of the benefit (of one kind or another) of having one of her children married, etc. In this way, her acknowledgement of how she viewed reality was not so much based on fact as on pragmatic benefit, and this was good to keep in mind in relations with her. I don't think, however, she meant this in a harmful way at all, but just that she had this great need for things to go well for her and her family and any semblance of this kind of thing was enough to enable her to try to hold on to this and reject anything to the contrary.
The other thing involves my other brother in Seattle. Mom told me a couple months ago or more that he had demanded that she ask an aunt how much she was leaving to us kids! I didn't even know she was going to do that at all until she told me that she needed my address for that purpose (remember I'd not given it out for some time because of what happened in the fallout that landed me back down here). I was really shocked by this demand by my brother and to think that my brothers had always said that I only wanted mom and dad's money because I had so much problems with work, but I never ever did anything like this and didn't even ask for money. Now, it makes me sick to say that my brother is going to visit this aunt this weekend. Knowing this about him just puts a whole other slant on things.
The last couple days I was in Seattle for mom's funeral, after my other brother had left, we, my brother in Seattle and I, were going through the last of the things in her apartment and he said he wanted both mom's good china and her silver set because I was getting so much already. First of all, I did take some of mom's clothes (mainly shirts, a couple coats/jackets, scarves, etc.), but my brothers had taken some of dad's clothing after he died. And I also took all her cookbooks except the slow cooker cookbook he wanted. I said I was going to make a family cookbook with all of the recipes I could pull together from our childhood because I have a recipe database to do that with. So that was another whole box. I did take a few things that I just didn't want thrown out or given away because I thought they should stay in the family, but I do know mom had discussed with me about the china and silver but I can't remember which she wanted me to have, because I just have had too much else going on in my life to worry about that kind of thing. Our other brother got the silver from a grandmother. I said okay he could have the silver and china, and I'd take the set of knives, but he even sort of balked at that. But what happened after that was the real clincher. He said that he didn't know what he'd do with the silver and china unless he gets married some times, so maybe he'd sell it. I didn't say anything because I'd already said he could have them both, but I was very upset that it came to that that he didn't even really want them anyway, that they were just a potential money maker for him.
The other thing that I didn't address when I was back there, partly because he could be really testy (and I think my other brother and his kids who were staying with him the whole time while I was at a family friends' a couple blocks away, really makes me concerned maybe for my brother's emotional health. He's very good at what he does and what he's done in his house is very impressive, especially how he's managed to find ways to do it economically (get good deals, do the work himself, etc.), but there's still a lot that isn't finished. One of those things is that there aren't doors on a lot of the rooms, including one of the two working bathrooms, and that's the only full bathroom (that's working). But he's hung a sheet over the door that could be pulled down to give visual privacy and then turning the fan on in the bathroom gave a little audible privacy. The set up of the house is that everything is off of one hallway which turns at the end to go into the master bed and (unworking) bath. The other bath with the sheet over the door is directly at the end of the hall. When I was staying with him he never pulled the sheet down to pee and then he'd begin talking to me. Generally, I'd just sort of discretely pop into the kitchen, sometimes just standing there waiting for him to stop so I could come out and not have to witness this lack of discretion. I began to not use that bathroom at all (even with the sheet pulled down) but use the half bath that at least had a door on it (if not a handle yet).
Can you imagine that in this situation I feel very alone? All I have in this world, really, are my two brothers and nephews, but I had to sign a document saying that I would not have any contact with my nephews (which I will respect until they turn 18) unless my brother makes it clear (i.e., explicit) that that document is no longer in effect, at which time I would want him to sign a document officially rescinding it.
The other thing that really hurt me recently in all this is it's seemed for a long, long time that the family almost never proactively wants to help me in ways that might help me be self-sufficient, but only in a most extreme crisis, when it would look particularly bad if they didn't do something. Last fall I could have used $5,000 to pay for a lawyer to handle my EEOC/ADA suit against my last employer, since the EEOC had given me a right-to-sue letter, but I had to file the suit within 90 days after receipt of the EEOC letter. Since I didn't have the money (because I'd spent that much moving each way to my brother's and then back here). But then I learned through all this financial stuff about mom's estate that she had given my brother an $80,000 mortgage! That $5,000 could have helped me win a law suit which would have put me in a lot better position than I am now, but this is just indicative of the way my family treats me.
Maybe next time I'll return to the articles.
Then I got to thinking about one situation in particular where I didn't keep a secret. When I was in Bible school I did some work for a middle-aged nurse, maybe a little older than I am now. She invited me to spend Easter with her brother's family; her brother was a Lutheran pastor and he had a daughter about my age. I began doing things with that daughter, such as go out for lunch or go to the zoo. One time she confessed to me that she was bolemic, and said her family didn't know about it. Later I shared this with a pastor friend, who had a church that was mostly Romanian (he had had a ministry to that part of the world for many years), and he most emphatically said I should have told this girl's parents. But I didn't, although it was out of fear so much as out of a sense that I needed to respect her desire that her parents not know, thinking maybe she would lose her trust in me. I can't remember how this happened, but we lost touch and I don't know what happened with her.
Then there was my neighbors upstairs from me in Russia. A common apartment feature in Russia seemed to be buildings with many stairwells/elevators going up, with 3 apartments on each floor or platform. I was in the middle and the two neighbors on either side of me were very nice, quiet people. But upstairs there was a youngish family where there was some drinking. They had 2 very lovely young daughters, maybe 5 and 7 years old. Sometimes I heard loud angry voices from the adults, especially the father, and stomping and running after the two little girls who would be screaming and/or crying. I didn't call the police, but I really should have. I guess the only thing I might have had to fear in that case was a bad relationship with my neighbors.
So the thing is, when should you be quiet and when do you need to speak out? For me, it's hard to decide when there is so much going on, when I don't feel well, when it's hard enough for me to just take care of myself, when I'm all alone and don't have anyone to rely on or help me. So it's really the easiest thing, at least in the short run, to just not decide and just set it aside and in that way keep secrets not so much as an active decision to do so as a lack of decision to speak up.
***
A day later...
My rash that started last August is back, although this time I'm on medications for it and it's still acting up. There's one medicine that I'm not on the highest levels the allergist has recommended, so I'm increasing that one today, but I have appointments next week with both a new dermatologist (my old one doesn't take my insurance) and the allergist. My primary care doctor today concurred that I should lift heavy things because of the new back issue.
Meanwhile last night I found out that the gal I was going to have lunch with Sunday had to go out of town, so now I don't know what I'll do Mother's Day.
I'm not a good candidate for the "How to Win Friends and Influence Enemies" mindset because I don't like instrumental relationships, and I think these things smack of that, even if just subtly. I give people the right to like or not like me as they choose, but I'm not going to try to "win" them. I'm a "what you see is what you get" kind of person, which sort of fits with all this dislike for secrecy and the like. But I think that Jesus was like that too. He didn't beat around the bush, although if His listeners didn't have "eyes to see and ears to hear" they might not have understood, but that's a spiritual mindset issue. He didn't deny that He was the Son of God or give the impression that He was other than that. And He also didn't force people to accept Him, although He could make it very clear that there could be consequences for rejecting Him. I can't really say the same for me, in that I don't suppose there's much by way of consequences anyone would face for not liking me, or even for just not believing me (with or without the liking element). This kind of approach to life doesn't necessarily bode well for success in this world, but at least I can console myself that I'm in good company and I walk away with a clear conscience that I didn't try to deceive someone into liking me, for example.
***
Back to the issue at hand though, the family secrecy issue. I'm just going to go for it here, although I'm bound to suffer for it later.
Regarding mom, I feel badly that I didn't call her more often than I did, but I did talk to her several times a week usually and I had prepared two (and even sent one) gifts for her. These weren't anything of great proportion mind you, but I'm rather poor, so I have to content myself with well thought out meaningful gifts rather than splashy or exorbitant gifts, although that's not to say that the later gifts can't also be well thought-out and meaningful. But for me with my health constraints this kind of thing takes a fair amount of pre-planning to get it all together in a timely fashion. So it's not like I was ignoring her or not paying attention to her, but she might have needed more frequent contact. So I feel badly about that, but I had been through enough myself that I needed a little space to keep myself together too, especially since I'm here all by myself with no one really to help me.
I just say this because I think my brothers might feel some regrets for having done or not done this or that. I don't know about my one brother, but my brother in Seattle has expressed some of this. He really did a lot for mom, but mom could be rather difficult sometimes and my brother I think got frustrated with her from time to time. So evidently the night before she died (or the night of her death) he stopped by her place exhausted from working such long hours (70+ hours a week for a month or more) and found her in bed still in the evening having eaten a full half gallon of ice cream he had gotten her out of sort of a guilt feeling for not being so available to her. He didn't like to get her those kinds of foods because he was trying to encourage her to eat better and also get up more and go walking and the like. So when he came in that evening he said something to the effect of being tired of this "bull crap" (her laying in bed all day and eating all the ice cream in one fell swoop). When he finally found the empty bottle of pills after her death - a full month's supply he'd just brought her - and a brief note that said "good-bye bull crap" (or something to that effect) it really cut him to the core. I guess you can appreciate this.
So that's one thing. Another thing is a couple things mom had told me in the last few weeks of her life. The first one involved my other brother with the two boys. She said something about all of us kids being single and I was a little surprised and asked about this brother's girlfriend (at least I understood their relationship to be romantic in nature and it seemed pretty strong when I was there). She said that his girl friend didn't want to marry him because she saw the same things in him that I had. Now I'm not sure where she made this connection, as I'm sure it would have been something she put together, as my brother would never have given such an explanation for what happened with their relationship. But the thing was that she seemed to come around to seeing (again) that I understood what was going on correctly (again, because she had a year or so earlier given me credit for correctly understanding a couple other situations).
The thing here, however, is not as straight forward as it seems, I think, because to a certain extent (maybe even to a large extent) mom could be a bit of an opportunist (for whatever reason). What I mean is that if things had gone well with the couple, even if I was right about my brother, she would have been motivated to discredit my view because of the benefit (of one kind or another) of having one of her children married, etc. In this way, her acknowledgement of how she viewed reality was not so much based on fact as on pragmatic benefit, and this was good to keep in mind in relations with her. I don't think, however, she meant this in a harmful way at all, but just that she had this great need for things to go well for her and her family and any semblance of this kind of thing was enough to enable her to try to hold on to this and reject anything to the contrary.
The other thing involves my other brother in Seattle. Mom told me a couple months ago or more that he had demanded that she ask an aunt how much she was leaving to us kids! I didn't even know she was going to do that at all until she told me that she needed my address for that purpose (remember I'd not given it out for some time because of what happened in the fallout that landed me back down here). I was really shocked by this demand by my brother and to think that my brothers had always said that I only wanted mom and dad's money because I had so much problems with work, but I never ever did anything like this and didn't even ask for money. Now, it makes me sick to say that my brother is going to visit this aunt this weekend. Knowing this about him just puts a whole other slant on things.
The last couple days I was in Seattle for mom's funeral, after my other brother had left, we, my brother in Seattle and I, were going through the last of the things in her apartment and he said he wanted both mom's good china and her silver set because I was getting so much already. First of all, I did take some of mom's clothes (mainly shirts, a couple coats/jackets, scarves, etc.), but my brothers had taken some of dad's clothing after he died. And I also took all her cookbooks except the slow cooker cookbook he wanted. I said I was going to make a family cookbook with all of the recipes I could pull together from our childhood because I have a recipe database to do that with. So that was another whole box. I did take a few things that I just didn't want thrown out or given away because I thought they should stay in the family, but I do know mom had discussed with me about the china and silver but I can't remember which she wanted me to have, because I just have had too much else going on in my life to worry about that kind of thing. Our other brother got the silver from a grandmother. I said okay he could have the silver and china, and I'd take the set of knives, but he even sort of balked at that. But what happened after that was the real clincher. He said that he didn't know what he'd do with the silver and china unless he gets married some times, so maybe he'd sell it. I didn't say anything because I'd already said he could have them both, but I was very upset that it came to that that he didn't even really want them anyway, that they were just a potential money maker for him.
The other thing that I didn't address when I was back there, partly because he could be really testy (and I think my other brother and his kids who were staying with him the whole time while I was at a family friends' a couple blocks away, really makes me concerned maybe for my brother's emotional health. He's very good at what he does and what he's done in his house is very impressive, especially how he's managed to find ways to do it economically (get good deals, do the work himself, etc.), but there's still a lot that isn't finished. One of those things is that there aren't doors on a lot of the rooms, including one of the two working bathrooms, and that's the only full bathroom (that's working). But he's hung a sheet over the door that could be pulled down to give visual privacy and then turning the fan on in the bathroom gave a little audible privacy. The set up of the house is that everything is off of one hallway which turns at the end to go into the master bed and (unworking) bath. The other bath with the sheet over the door is directly at the end of the hall. When I was staying with him he never pulled the sheet down to pee and then he'd begin talking to me. Generally, I'd just sort of discretely pop into the kitchen, sometimes just standing there waiting for him to stop so I could come out and not have to witness this lack of discretion. I began to not use that bathroom at all (even with the sheet pulled down) but use the half bath that at least had a door on it (if not a handle yet).
Can you imagine that in this situation I feel very alone? All I have in this world, really, are my two brothers and nephews, but I had to sign a document saying that I would not have any contact with my nephews (which I will respect until they turn 18) unless my brother makes it clear (i.e., explicit) that that document is no longer in effect, at which time I would want him to sign a document officially rescinding it.
The other thing that really hurt me recently in all this is it's seemed for a long, long time that the family almost never proactively wants to help me in ways that might help me be self-sufficient, but only in a most extreme crisis, when it would look particularly bad if they didn't do something. Last fall I could have used $5,000 to pay for a lawyer to handle my EEOC/ADA suit against my last employer, since the EEOC had given me a right-to-sue letter, but I had to file the suit within 90 days after receipt of the EEOC letter. Since I didn't have the money (because I'd spent that much moving each way to my brother's and then back here). But then I learned through all this financial stuff about mom's estate that she had given my brother an $80,000 mortgage! That $5,000 could have helped me win a law suit which would have put me in a lot better position than I am now, but this is just indicative of the way my family treats me.
Maybe next time I'll return to the articles.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
267. Reprieve: Family Time-Out
It's hard to know sometimes what to write here about "private" family issues. The thing is, as in all such issues of "privacy" (including regarding internal workings of the Vienna mission), it's not always easy trying to determine...
Regarding the second issue, if one holds pragmatism (ends justifies the means and/or group consensus of right and wrong being the final yard stick) as having ultimate authority in determining what should or should not be revealed, than this concern would be the overriding issue in deciding whether a private concern should be revealed or not. If something other than pragmatism is accepted as the final moral measure, than #2 should not be a primary concern.
As to #3, my intentions would only be of issue if the basic value structure which allows for the maintenance or non-maintenance of secrecy makes my intentions a matter of concern. If it is determined that my intentions are an issue, this would likely be so out of concern for a) my moral, spiritual or psychological condition out of concern for me; b) my moral, spiritual or psychological condition because of concern for the affect intentions might play on how I carry out any revelation or non-revelation of a heretofore private issue; and/or c) the validity of my assertion regarding the heretofore private issue.
Point a) here seems irrelevant if taken purely and simply as a concern for my condition, as this says nothing about the heretofore private issue. (This isn't to say this concern might not be important on other grounds, but not vis a vis whether a heretofore private issue is rightfully private and/or should be revealed).
B) would be of concern for some methods of reasoning, as there could be determinations regarding better or less good ways of revealing or not revealing something something by which I might be judged, and this might include judgment of my intentions. However, this does not address the issue of whether something should or should not be revealed, just how it should or should not be revealed. In this light, then, I might be chided for revealing or not revealing something in the wrong way, but that would not discredit the revelation or non-revelation itself. For example, I might reveal something in a way someone views as wrong, while still recognizing that I was right in revealing the issue in general; I just did it in the wrong way, in such a case. This issue, I think, is separate from the the heretofore private issue itself and also the basic determination of whether or not something should or should not be revealed. Whether or not I reveal something in the right way or not, however, has nothing to do with the rightness or wrongness of the issue itself. So, for example, if someone is involved in child abuse, and I reveal it incorrectly, my revealing such a situation in a "wrong" way says nothing about whether the child abuse itself is right or wrong and should not be used as a way to detract from the wrongness of the child abuse.
Option C) above could well be combined with B), but could also be completely separate from B). In the case that it is completely separate from B), there would be no actual concern for me at all, but only for the heretofore private issue and perhaps those individuals that it involves. That is, in this case a determination concerning the correctness or incorrectness of my intentions includes no consideration for my moral or spiritual well-being.
The fourth issue would affect #3 as described above, but here the focus is on the yardstick for determining rightness or wrongness / better or worse approaches to revealing or not revealing heretofore private issues. In other words, this point pushes us to establish guidelines, apart from what I might or might not actually do. Presumably, this could come chronologically before some of the above issues, but not necessarily. That is, one might not think through this aspect of the dilemma, and just come to conclusions more or less by the seat of one's pants - that is, as a sort of knee-jerk reaction. In this case, it is quite possible (or even likely) that attributing all these moralistic aspects of the process (of determining what and how to reveal or not reveal something) to real-life contexts might be assigning more intentionality to the parties involved than is actually the case. This would not mean that there is necessarily no logic in such cases, but rather than any logic is quite likely less conscious than I'm assuming here. I don't think this fact (that reasoning might be more unconscious than otherwise), negates the above discussions, however, because these kinds of considerations could still be relevant, just less consciously so.
Finally, there is the issue (#5) as to whether, from a literature standpoint, the heretofore private issue is relevant to my autobiography. I think the family issues are generally relevant in as much as family is a big part of my life, in various ways. As such, it comprises a big part of who I am and also my concerns and, to a certain extent, how I might be the way I am. Some things about who I am might be difficult to understand apart from family, but also, when I eventually arrive at the present in my autobiographical chronology, it might be difficult to understand why and how certain things happen without understanding private family issues. Whether or not this is enough to justify revealing these issues here in this blog is subject to the other considerations (1 through 4). The thing for me that is so difficult is that so much of my life seems to have been subject to this secrecy rule that if I were to refrain from discussing private things altogether the reader would basically have an understanding of my life that everyone else (not myself) frames for me as they desire for their own ends, and my understanding gets completely lost in the shuffle. In such a case it seems like I would have to turn this blog into a biography, rather than an autobiography, because my own views of my life would be buried and ignored. In this case, where does one draw the line in knowing what to reveal (let alone how to reveal things)? It seems that there is always some justification or another for maintaining secrecy, which always argues against revealing heretofore private things. That is, it seems that most everyone in my life appears to be dead set on framing my life (or certain aspects of it) in their terms, which is contingent upon the maintenance of secrecy, that is keeping heretofore secret things secrets. Where, then does my perspective fit in? It doesn't. In this way my perspective, pure and simple, is wrong, illegitimate, or otherwise immoral in one way or another, according to all my detractors, some of whom are otherwise relationally quite close to me.
And there you have my dilemma(s) in a nutshell.
***
I'm sorry if I've missed something here, and I should say that I'm not really a philosopher by training, but I hope I'm making some sense here.
***
So why am I going through all the trouble to discuss this here? I'm doing this because I want you to understand some of the issues I'm grappling with in trying to decide what to write here and what not to write... or how to write something. Right now the big issue is regarding present-day interpersonal relations and the like, because of recent events in my life. So I want you to see that when I write something here, especially something of more current concern, I'm not writing it heedlessly or without at least some thought. In turn, I hope the reader will likewise keep in mind some of these concerns I've discussed in this post when assigning moral determinations related to what I post here.
Also, while I do have some protection of anonymity here, there are a few people who know who I am. And although I could decide at a later date to change or delete any particular comment or post, as anyone who knows how the Internet works, such later change or deletion is not necessarily a fool-proof option. That is, even if I make changes, the earlier version of this blog or a particular post could well be cached somewhere else on the Internet.
The other immediate reason for writing this post is that there are several issues currently that are distracting me and might fall within this "family secrets" category. So I'm trying to decide what to do about these things in real life and also vis a vis this blog.
- what ethically / biblically / legally should (or should not) be "private";
- what the effects might be of not keeping any particular thing "private" (including a) how others involved might respond; b) how innocent bystanders might be affected; c) how I might be affected (and I may or may not fit into b) in any particular issue);
- what my intentions might be of revealing something that at least some people consider should be ethically / biblically private;
- if the ethical / biblical mandate argues against something being / remaining private, what the best way is to reveal the heretofore private issue; and/or
- the relevance of the private issue to my autobiography, which is what this blog is all about.
Regarding the second issue, if one holds pragmatism (ends justifies the means and/or group consensus of right and wrong being the final yard stick) as having ultimate authority in determining what should or should not be revealed, than this concern would be the overriding issue in deciding whether a private concern should be revealed or not. If something other than pragmatism is accepted as the final moral measure, than #2 should not be a primary concern.
As to #3, my intentions would only be of issue if the basic value structure which allows for the maintenance or non-maintenance of secrecy makes my intentions a matter of concern. If it is determined that my intentions are an issue, this would likely be so out of concern for a) my moral, spiritual or psychological condition out of concern for me; b) my moral, spiritual or psychological condition because of concern for the affect intentions might play on how I carry out any revelation or non-revelation of a heretofore private issue; and/or c) the validity of my assertion regarding the heretofore private issue.
Point a) here seems irrelevant if taken purely and simply as a concern for my condition, as this says nothing about the heretofore private issue. (This isn't to say this concern might not be important on other grounds, but not vis a vis whether a heretofore private issue is rightfully private and/or should be revealed).
B) would be of concern for some methods of reasoning, as there could be determinations regarding better or less good ways of revealing or not revealing something something by which I might be judged, and this might include judgment of my intentions. However, this does not address the issue of whether something should or should not be revealed, just how it should or should not be revealed. In this light, then, I might be chided for revealing or not revealing something in the wrong way, but that would not discredit the revelation or non-revelation itself. For example, I might reveal something in a way someone views as wrong, while still recognizing that I was right in revealing the issue in general; I just did it in the wrong way, in such a case. This issue, I think, is separate from the the heretofore private issue itself and also the basic determination of whether or not something should or should not be revealed. Whether or not I reveal something in the right way or not, however, has nothing to do with the rightness or wrongness of the issue itself. So, for example, if someone is involved in child abuse, and I reveal it incorrectly, my revealing such a situation in a "wrong" way says nothing about whether the child abuse itself is right or wrong and should not be used as a way to detract from the wrongness of the child abuse.
Option C) above could well be combined with B), but could also be completely separate from B). In the case that it is completely separate from B), there would be no actual concern for me at all, but only for the heretofore private issue and perhaps those individuals that it involves. That is, in this case a determination concerning the correctness or incorrectness of my intentions includes no consideration for my moral or spiritual well-being.
The fourth issue would affect #3 as described above, but here the focus is on the yardstick for determining rightness or wrongness / better or worse approaches to revealing or not revealing heretofore private issues. In other words, this point pushes us to establish guidelines, apart from what I might or might not actually do. Presumably, this could come chronologically before some of the above issues, but not necessarily. That is, one might not think through this aspect of the dilemma, and just come to conclusions more or less by the seat of one's pants - that is, as a sort of knee-jerk reaction. In this case, it is quite possible (or even likely) that attributing all these moralistic aspects of the process (of determining what and how to reveal or not reveal something) to real-life contexts might be assigning more intentionality to the parties involved than is actually the case. This would not mean that there is necessarily no logic in such cases, but rather than any logic is quite likely less conscious than I'm assuming here. I don't think this fact (that reasoning might be more unconscious than otherwise), negates the above discussions, however, because these kinds of considerations could still be relevant, just less consciously so.
Finally, there is the issue (#5) as to whether, from a literature standpoint, the heretofore private issue is relevant to my autobiography. I think the family issues are generally relevant in as much as family is a big part of my life, in various ways. As such, it comprises a big part of who I am and also my concerns and, to a certain extent, how I might be the way I am. Some things about who I am might be difficult to understand apart from family, but also, when I eventually arrive at the present in my autobiographical chronology, it might be difficult to understand why and how certain things happen without understanding private family issues. Whether or not this is enough to justify revealing these issues here in this blog is subject to the other considerations (1 through 4). The thing for me that is so difficult is that so much of my life seems to have been subject to this secrecy rule that if I were to refrain from discussing private things altogether the reader would basically have an understanding of my life that everyone else (not myself) frames for me as they desire for their own ends, and my understanding gets completely lost in the shuffle. In such a case it seems like I would have to turn this blog into a biography, rather than an autobiography, because my own views of my life would be buried and ignored. In this case, where does one draw the line in knowing what to reveal (let alone how to reveal things)? It seems that there is always some justification or another for maintaining secrecy, which always argues against revealing heretofore private things. That is, it seems that most everyone in my life appears to be dead set on framing my life (or certain aspects of it) in their terms, which is contingent upon the maintenance of secrecy, that is keeping heretofore secret things secrets. Where, then does my perspective fit in? It doesn't. In this way my perspective, pure and simple, is wrong, illegitimate, or otherwise immoral in one way or another, according to all my detractors, some of whom are otherwise relationally quite close to me.
And there you have my dilemma(s) in a nutshell.
***
I'm sorry if I've missed something here, and I should say that I'm not really a philosopher by training, but I hope I'm making some sense here.
***
So why am I going through all the trouble to discuss this here? I'm doing this because I want you to understand some of the issues I'm grappling with in trying to decide what to write here and what not to write... or how to write something. Right now the big issue is regarding present-day interpersonal relations and the like, because of recent events in my life. So I want you to see that when I write something here, especially something of more current concern, I'm not writing it heedlessly or without at least some thought. In turn, I hope the reader will likewise keep in mind some of these concerns I've discussed in this post when assigning moral determinations related to what I post here.
Also, while I do have some protection of anonymity here, there are a few people who know who I am. And although I could decide at a later date to change or delete any particular comment or post, as anyone who knows how the Internet works, such later change or deletion is not necessarily a fool-proof option. That is, even if I make changes, the earlier version of this blog or a particular post could well be cached somewhere else on the Internet.
The other immediate reason for writing this post is that there are several issues currently that are distracting me and might fall within this "family secrets" category. So I'm trying to decide what to do about these things in real life and also vis a vis this blog.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
266. Organizational Behavior, Pt. 14 (Moorhead & Griffin, pt. 3)
I went to church this morning but I left during the early singing because I just started crying about mom. A couple people came out to comfort me and I went back in for the last part of the service, but I don't think I'm going to try going to church next Sunday, because it's Mother's Day and that would be too hard. I really haven't cried much yet though. I think maybe it's just that I have so much going on that I just sort of keep going.
My back pain is slowly getting worse, as is the foot numbness and trouble with my legs starting in. And since I haven't exercised enough my fibromyalgia achiness is increased too. Tomorrow I start physical therapy, but I need to start writing cards to send with the death notices I'm sending out to family and friends who couldn't come to the service (mainly due to distance). Tuesday I pick up the printed cards and envelopes and will make copies of the obituary. Then the next couple days I'll be working on getting those out, but I don't have enough of the notices from the funeral home, so my brother in Seattle has to send me more (I left a stack with him), but he's sick too now.
***
Some of the things I'm discussing in this blog about the mission and my experiences with it might seem to some rather nit picky, but when combined to end out with some of the things I experienced with the mission they take on another light and they add up to something not so nit picky.
***
This next quote discusses the results of a British study in which trainees were administered a questionnaire about their values and the values of their new employer.
***
***
Okay, I'm back after several days hiatus. I'm wiped out, my fibromyalgia pain is elevated and the possible new stenosis in my lower-mid back is also taking its toll. I'm trying my hand at making strawberry jam... and successfully preserving it. Mom always put wax on her jam to preserve it but when I did that mine always went bad. So I found a good deal on strawberries (the seasons here in Florida are a little different than in more northern states) and I decided to try again. Right now they're macerating in sugar and lemon juice.
Let's see if I'm alert enough to give this subject (about the mission's double life, I mean) a reasonable appraisal. One caveat that I need to make clear at the start, however, is that this is my understanding based on my experiences, observations and recollections. Others may have had different vantage points that presented them with somewhat different impressions of the organization.
***
Public Image:
***
I guess that's it for this post, and since it's taken so long to finish it I'd better get it off. However, I would like to talk some about my family.
As you can guess, a lot has happened, family-wise, with the death of my mother. So now we've lost both parents, since my father died 5 years ago.
I've got all mom's address books and I've been working on mailing out notices to them. To me this seems almost a symbolic act because mom loved to write and she worked hard at maintaining relationships, so I felt like I needed to do more of this than at dad's death. Dad did more - that is had more "accomplishments" - in his life, but mom was the relational person in the family. She was an excellent conversationalist and didn't seem to need to resort to small talk even with new people she met. And she really hated technology, not so much as a Luddite, but because she wasn't technologically inclined. This is no great secret, believe me. So sending out written notices with personal touches seemed like a fitting way to honor her and the spirit of her. I must say it's been very satisfying to do this; it really feels good to do it. But a lot of the people in her address books I don't know or I remember the names but not that much more about them. I hope some of them respond by writing messages on her obituary page, but also maybe donate to the church in her memory.
Even while I was in Seattle though I was calling people to try to inform them and the like. So I had contact with people I hadn't seen in a long time, some of whom I may never see again, I'm sure. If I had to characterize mom, it would be through her web of contacts. But now that she is gone the web is disrupted, broken even.
(Mom was also very dedicated in her Christian faith, too, though, but I'll leave that for another day.)
The thing is that I feel like I'm sort of a temporary surrogate of my mom in my reaching out to all the people that she cared about.
Part of the web of her relationships is familial. In some ways some familial relations were funneled through her. For example, my relationship with my brothers has in recent years largely been held together by our relationship to mom, such as our concern for her, or sharing experiences (such as the Alaska cruise a few years ago) that she facilitated. So now our relationships need to be restructured and redefined. What will they look like a year from now? Five years from now? Ten years from now?
I think my brothers' relationships with one another are pretty secure, so the question is more about how I will fit in in this newly restructured family. In many ways I'm pretty vulnerable (sick, poor), but I'm somewhat ambivalent about my relationship with my brothers for several reasons. I'm not sure I want to go into all that now, but it will definitely be interesting to see how things pan out.
I think that's enough for this post. Good night...
My back pain is slowly getting worse, as is the foot numbness and trouble with my legs starting in. And since I haven't exercised enough my fibromyalgia achiness is increased too. Tomorrow I start physical therapy, but I need to start writing cards to send with the death notices I'm sending out to family and friends who couldn't come to the service (mainly due to distance). Tuesday I pick up the printed cards and envelopes and will make copies of the obituary. Then the next couple days I'll be working on getting those out, but I don't have enough of the notices from the funeral home, so my brother in Seattle has to send me more (I left a stack with him), but he's sick too now.
***
Some of the things I'm discussing in this blog about the mission and my experiences with it might seem to some rather nit picky, but when combined to end out with some of the things I experienced with the mission they take on another light and they add up to something not so nit picky.
***
This next quote discusses the results of a British study in which trainees were administered a questionnaire about their values and the values of their new employer.
"The greatest difference between the two sets of values that emerged concerned the task orientation. In the beginning, most trainees saw both themselves and their organizations as being dedicated to the task. However, the trainees at both companies gradually realized that the organizations were not as interested as they were in getting the job done.I think that if I had been one of those subjects in this study, I would have fit the responses described here. That is, I learned that the mission didn't value "getting the job done" as much as I did and I didn't change my values. One major difference though, is that the Vienna mission was a total, authoritarian organization and as such could not tolerate members not adopting its own values. So whereas I might have done just fine with the employers where these subjects worked, I did not fare so well with the mission.
The results of the questionnaire and of the interviews showed that the trainees' socialization included becoming aware of the differences between their own preferences and those of their organizations. Hebden concluded that in most cases, socialization does not mean that employees change their values to match those of the organization. Instead, employees grow to understand the differences between values and to discover ways to cope with those differences." (p. 512)
***
"In some organizations, the culture written down in pamphlets and presented in formal training sessions conflicts with the values of the organization as they are expressed in the actions of people in the firm. For example, a firm may say that employees are its most important asset but may treat employees badly. In this setting, new employees quickly learn that the rhetoric of the pamphlets and formal training sessions has little to do with the reality of the organizational culture. Employees that are socialized into this system usually come to accept the actual cultural values, not those that are formally espoused." (p. 513)It seems to me that the Vienna mission was one such organization that seemed to lead a double life: the publicly visible one and what happened behind closed doors. This was, of course, largely because of its security concerns but it was also facilitated by public acceptance of the need for security and secrecy in the geographical context the mission worked in. This said, it seems that I should try to identify characteristics of these two sides of the mission. I'll try to do that, but I'm tired right now, so I'm going to take a break so I can come back more refreshed and clear-headed to give this the proper attention I think it deserves.
***
Okay, I'm back after several days hiatus. I'm wiped out, my fibromyalgia pain is elevated and the possible new stenosis in my lower-mid back is also taking its toll. I'm trying my hand at making strawberry jam... and successfully preserving it. Mom always put wax on her jam to preserve it but when I did that mine always went bad. So I found a good deal on strawberries (the seasons here in Florida are a little different than in more northern states) and I decided to try again. Right now they're macerating in sugar and lemon juice.
Let's see if I'm alert enough to give this subject (about the mission's double life, I mean) a reasonable appraisal. One caveat that I need to make clear at the start, however, is that this is my understanding based on my experiences, observations and recollections. Others may have had different vantage points that presented them with somewhat different impressions of the organization.
***
Public Image:
- Christo-centric: Christ as the guiding force and raison d'etre
- Bibically based: Biblical teaching assumed to apply also to its modus operandi
- Treats its workers well: Has the individual's best interests in all its dealings with him/her (For example, it made me change my prayer latter explaining how I ended out back in the USA after just 5 months in Vienna.)
- Apolitical (other than disdaining Communism): The mission as pure and simple Christian ministry.
- Security-centric: Christ's reign subject to security concerns. I.e., Christocentric unless security concerns dictate otherwise.
- Pragmatic: The ends justifies the means. As long as the church in Eastern Europe is strengthened through its ministry, it's okay to sacrifice usual Christian norms, values and beliefs to assure the success of the ministry.
- Treated its workers well only under certain circumstances; is not averse to treating its workers poorly: The worker is expendable and the mission cannot be questioned or disagreed with; the mission will find ways to make the individual conform or leave.
- Probably had at least military connections (through the chaplain h.r. staff)
***
I guess that's it for this post, and since it's taken so long to finish it I'd better get it off. However, I would like to talk some about my family.
As you can guess, a lot has happened, family-wise, with the death of my mother. So now we've lost both parents, since my father died 5 years ago.
I've got all mom's address books and I've been working on mailing out notices to them. To me this seems almost a symbolic act because mom loved to write and she worked hard at maintaining relationships, so I felt like I needed to do more of this than at dad's death. Dad did more - that is had more "accomplishments" - in his life, but mom was the relational person in the family. She was an excellent conversationalist and didn't seem to need to resort to small talk even with new people she met. And she really hated technology, not so much as a Luddite, but because she wasn't technologically inclined. This is no great secret, believe me. So sending out written notices with personal touches seemed like a fitting way to honor her and the spirit of her. I must say it's been very satisfying to do this; it really feels good to do it. But a lot of the people in her address books I don't know or I remember the names but not that much more about them. I hope some of them respond by writing messages on her obituary page, but also maybe donate to the church in her memory.
Even while I was in Seattle though I was calling people to try to inform them and the like. So I had contact with people I hadn't seen in a long time, some of whom I may never see again, I'm sure. If I had to characterize mom, it would be through her web of contacts. But now that she is gone the web is disrupted, broken even.
(Mom was also very dedicated in her Christian faith, too, though, but I'll leave that for another day.)
The thing is that I feel like I'm sort of a temporary surrogate of my mom in my reaching out to all the people that she cared about.
Part of the web of her relationships is familial. In some ways some familial relations were funneled through her. For example, my relationship with my brothers has in recent years largely been held together by our relationship to mom, such as our concern for her, or sharing experiences (such as the Alaska cruise a few years ago) that she facilitated. So now our relationships need to be restructured and redefined. What will they look like a year from now? Five years from now? Ten years from now?
I think my brothers' relationships with one another are pretty secure, so the question is more about how I will fit in in this newly restructured family. In many ways I'm pretty vulnerable (sick, poor), but I'm somewhat ambivalent about my relationship with my brothers for several reasons. I'm not sure I want to go into all that now, but it will definitely be interesting to see how things pan out.
I think that's enough for this post. Good night...
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