Since we're approaching my returning to the chronology of my life, and specifically my arrival in Vienna to work with the mission there, I'd like to explain a few things before I move on to that phase of this blog.
When I get to the chronology I'm going to recreate what happened as best I can recall and in doing this I will be making use of whatever artifacts I have on hand, such as photos, calendars, and the like. And while I will undoubtedly be making some comments in an attempt to tie things together and otherwise give a bit of perspective to what was happening (at least from my perspective) at any particular juncture in the narrative. In doing that however, it might be difficult for the reader to step back and see a particular event within the context of the whole. An example of this is that, although I've so far discussed a lot of my anguish and mental/emotional issues I was dealing with while in Vienna, that's not to say that nothing good ever happened while I was there. It's just that they were the minority of my experiences, over all and in the end were pretty ephemeral. And the things of consequence, like my actual work, was 99% really bad, as far as I'm concerned. I mean by that that I wasn't doing what I should have nor could have been doing.
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Returning to our text (same sub-section as before - "Variations of the Processes of Self")...
"The authors conclude that although it seems to be possible to build a sense of esteem based on interpersonal relationships and not on achievements in work and school, development of self-efficacy is strongly related to occupational prestige, and academic achievement...
Self-efficacy is usually defined as one's sense of competence, or more generally, positive affect associated with making things happen, the pleasure of knowing that one is the cause of some effects (Bandura, 1977; Gecas, 1989). Self-efficacy has also been related to a sense of control, self-determination, and autonomy." (p. 205)
Before I came to Vienna I had lots of friends... including one that came with a bundle of junior highers just a couple months after I arrived in Vienna. This plethora of friends seemed to bother the mission and they demanded that I shorten my list of recipients of my prayer letters. Everywhere I went, including on deputation, I made new friends and we kept in touch. So I felt very efficacious in my interpersonal relationship skills. In addition, I had proven myself adept at fitting into a wide variety of social settings including: being a member of an official sister-city delegation, working with Soviet emigrants in the USA, making friends at a Lutheran seminary in E. Berlin, speaking in front of churches and other groups, helping fellow students get their money back when they were gypped of change in Paris, doing volunteer work in a research center that resulted in me getting some credit on a publication I helped with. What more do you want? I got along cross culturally, in public settings, hobnobbed with uppity ups and got along well with those struggling to get used to a new country and language!
Work-wise, although I was at the beginning of my career, I'd already done a fair amount for a rookie - and all of these things were done successfully and to the satisfaction of all: summer and later part-time work with Soviet emigrants in the USA, short-term summer overseas work in Eastern Europe and in an Austrian refugee camp, volunteering at the research center mentioned above, and working in the library at the headquarters of an influential mission to Eastern Europe.
So I came to Vienna with all this background, and more besides these things too, and felt pretty efficacious. I don't know that anyone every thought I was cocky, but I felt efficacious enough to stand my ground when I saw things I strongly disagreed with or was sure enough that I disagreed with them that it was worth rejecting.
Besides feeling self-efficacious, however, I also had a pretty strong sense of self-determination. My background was not orchestrated by anyone but me (unless, of course, you count God's hand in it). My plan of preparation for the ministry included as follows:
1. study to get a B.A. in European Studies with a minor in Russian
2. attend Urbana '79 to learn more about missions and mission opportunities; it was there I made the contact with the mission I was have on and off again connection with until 1985
3. participate in a summer ministry to Soviet emigrants in the USA
4. go to Bible school to get a graduate certificate in Bible and Theology
5. work with Soviet emigrants on the side while in Bible school
6. go on another summer ministry, this time in Europe (see above)
7. visit a couple in Hamburg that worked with East European truckers and emigrants/refugees
8. learn German in W. Berlin
9. make friends at a Lutheran seminary in E. Berlin
10. visit a nation wide monthly Christian youth meeting in Leipzig (E. Germany)
11. volunteer at the research center (see above) for ca. 6 weeks
12. return to the USA and work part time in the library of the East European mission (see above)
13. decide I needed another year of Bible school so returned as an "unclassified" student (they didn't have a Th.M. yet)
Only after all that did I apply to the mission that I did (after I went through quite a process to narrow it down to them). Then I had about 18 months of deputation after candidate's course and waiting 6 months to hear if I'd been accepted
The thing was this whole time I was learning about that part of the world, about religion in that part of the world and also about theological and ethical issues that I'd come across and felt I needed to work out (hence the second year of Bible school). This was all a very intentional process and I was thinking and putting things together that whole time... then I landed in Vienna.
It was like a bomb had dropped. I mean, really, if anything I was over-prepared except that I didn't have the Th.M. that would have given me more clout. I still don't have a Th.M., but I do have an M.A. and an M.L.S. and 60 credits towards a doctorate and I've written and been published and given a bunch of conference presentations and poster sessions.
Okay, I'll move on... but I hope you get the picture, that I was more of a force to be reckoned with than the mission thought, except that I didn't know how I could or should stand up for myself, and I'm not sure there was anything else I could have done other than leave early, either my my own volition or at the mission's request. Of course, my thoughts weren't as well formulated as they are now, either, because when you're in the thick of things it's hard to see the forest for the trees... it was just too much to take in and try to figure out and then their moving me around didn't help matters, but they moved me around on purpose, probably to confound me as long as I hadn't submitted sufficiently, which is to say, totally.
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I'm making rolls so when my stimulator ends I'm going to have to get up and contend with the dough. I was only supposed to let it sit 20 minutes, but I wanted to do the stimulator, which lasts 45 minutes.
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"In current American society, valued personal attributes include independence, achievement, success, hard work, and creativity. But individuals can lay claim to these attributes only if they can behave accordingly and thereby validate the identity. In most cases this means employment outside the home..." (p. 205-206)
First of all I should make it clear that the vast majority of the workers in the Vienna mission were Americans. Without seeing if I can find a list, I can only think of one Canadian and one Australian as exceptions. So let's say out of 60 people 55 are Americans - give or take about 90% or so. This means that, at least hypothetically, you'd expect a bunch of Americans in Vienna, especially ones that are so ingrown as they were, to exhibit American traits, right? Well, only to an extent. Hard work was good, creativity was good within proper bounds, success was only important in so much as it benefited the group. Leaders were often able to bolster their standing in the group with some outside credentials, like a book published or the like. I'm not sure how it would be received if someone else - not in a leadership position - did something like that. I suspect it might be received with reservations because it might upset the power balance.
But independence, that one hallmark, practically above anything else, of American culture, was virtually anathema and liable to result in the party exhibiting such behavior getting a swift blow you-know-where of negative reinforcement. Boy, do I know about that! I mean I know about it first hand!
They should put a sign above the main door to the mission so that new recruits know about this:
WARNING! DO NOT ACT AMERICAN!!! IF YOU DO YOU WILL RECEIVE A SWIFT BLOW YOU-KNOW-WHERE!
I don't know, maybe the mission thought this was their little nod to Austrian culture... What do Austrians think about acting independent, anyway?... Alternately, maybe they wanted to replicate an Eastern European country on a little piece of property in Vienna. I mean, maybe they wanted to emulate the Communists. And if imitation is flattery, maybe this would help make the Communist governments like them more... These are just theories, you understand...
But for whatever reason, independence was not among the traits the mission valued, which is, of course, an understatement of the worst sort.
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I've got to go... my rolls are calling.
