279: Reprieve: God is like...

In my furniture search on-line I found this that I thought was pretty good... worth repeating:

***

God is Like...

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at the TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of them:

• God is like Bayer aspirin ~ He works miracles
  
• God is like a Ford ~ He's got a better idea
  
• God is like Coca Cola ~ He's the real thing
  
• God is like Hallmark Cards ~ He cares enough to send His very best
  
• God is like Tide ~ He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
  
• God is like General Electric ~ He brings out the good things to life
  
• God is like Sears ~ He has everything
  
• God is like Alka Seltzer ~ Try Him you will like Him
  
• God is like Scotch tape ~ You can't see Him but you know He's there.
  
• God is like Delta ~ He's ready when you are
  
• God is like Allstate ~ You're in good hands with Him
  
• God is like VO 5 Hair Spray ~ He holds in all kinds of weather
  
• God is like Dial Soap ~ Aren't you glad you have Him and Don't you wish everybody else did

***

Source: http://www.waxhawfurniture.com/ffow/41_0_0.cfm

[No, they didn't pay me to post this...]

278. Reprieve: Anger

I'm sure even the casual reader has picked up that I have a fair amount of anger built up. It's just that my whole life since about 1987 (or earlier) has more or less been like what I've been describing the past year's events. The people, places and specific issues have changed, but it boils down to one set of crises followed by another just like you see here. It would be foolish to claim that my decisions, actions and words never played a part, but a lot of it was out of my control, like what you see here. Just in the past year, the examples include:

1) Losing 2 good career jobs due to health that was basically outside of my control.

2) Egregious (I think) medical care/blundering (at times)

3) Difficult family (and other) relationships

I don't think I tend towards anger, except when I feel like I'm not being taken seriously, being (what appears to be) intentionally misunderstood, and being mistreated, especially in relation to those who I think should know better and are being the problem through some kind of self-interest and/or ill-intent and it is regarding something that has a major impact on me. Then when I feel helpless in such situations I might turn to anger. But, as has been pointed out, absent a direct means of expressing my anger that I feel might be affective, I turn to passive aggression. This, of course, is not healthy, and I know it. So my response tends to be to retreat in to myself so that I can limit these kinds of interactions, especially when I feel otherwise vulnerable for some reason (such as too many of these things going on at once, no support network, precarious finances, etc.).

I think after I graduated from college (undergraduate) I started taking more initiative at coming to my own understanding of the world (at least the parts of it that were relevant to me), and I haven't been satisfied with letting others take over that task for me. This can lead to difficulties, however. For example, over time I have developed strong views about the Church, politics, culture, etc. and these views don't easily mesh with any particular group I might find myself a part of. Also, if I find myself in situations and/or relationships where I feel like someone (or some group) is trying (consciously or otherwise, directly or otherwise) to change me (especially forcefully), I set up my defenses against that effort. And if I feel that there isn't a way to correct such efforts in relation to me, then I might develop some anger about it.

In the situation with the brother about the condo reserves, I think there were probably several things going on. One is that he may well have wanted (consciously or otherwise) to feel useful and even important. But he is probably also trying to find a way to deal with his grief about the loss of mom, and he may well need to feel useful, at least. Also, I think he really does want the best for me because he knows that I don't have many options and resources open to me and so he doesn't want me to get into a mess and have everything crash around me if the condo association has problems.

Despite all that, however, there really was, as far as I'm concerned no need for him to send that report to me because I had already made clear that my former condo complex had a lot of money (although I no longer have the records and so don't know the exact figures) and I understood what the risk was. The thing is that I don't expect him to understand what I want and need and that I have found no other complex in the area that would work for me.

Also, this is how I predict things could happen:

1. I buy a unit in this complex (with practically no reserves), and my brothers might not visit me (because it is a nice complex and the sibling rivalry would kick in and it would not be in their positional advantage to visit me).

2. I buy something cheaper where the complex has more reserves, and my brothers might visit me and treat me patronizingly because they know they are in a superior position housing-wise, so it is their advantage to visit me to rub that in.

In neither situation, however, will my brothers truly help me, or they will only help me in such a way as to undermine my independence, and perhaps in a way that is not necessarily in my best interests. That is, they might help me only in a way that benefits them.

I'm 51 years old and the oldest of the 3 of us, and I am speaking this way from all these years og experience in this birth family.

277. Reprieve: Family (What's Left of It)

My stimulator finished and I've finished breakfast and I've been trying to pen an e-mail to one of my brothers. Should I send it or not? The thing is, it will probably backfire, he will probably deny everything, but I'd like to think we can be open about our thoughts and have an "adult" relationship. My sense is we can't.

Using Transactional Analysis as a framework, this is how adult (age-wise) relationships between my (birth) family have worked:

1. Women are "children" in the transactional analysis sense, both abolutely and in relation to men.

2. Men are "adults" in absolute terms, and "parents" in relation to women.

3. The men like this relation vis a vis women, and might even feel less "manly" if the relationship were otherwise (e.g., "adult" to "adult").

4. I think my mother liked her position (although it's possible she didn't always like it).

5. I (a female) don't like it.

6. Growing up I didn't understand that women were supposed to be like "children," in relation to men especially.

Here's the e-mail so far (name's omitted):

***

I just wanted to say something in follow up to yesterday's interactions. I understand that you only want to help and you think you have my best interests in mind, but I really want to live my own life. You didn't need to send me your reserves study, because I already understood the issues and I really can take care of things on my own here. I don't want you and [our other brother] to be so intimately involved in my life. I'm an adult and I really can make decisions on my own.

I think this family is sort of too insular and dependent on each other. In situations like this you only need to express the basic issues and then you can step back. I don't want you to try to keep harping at this kind of thing, because it's my life and I'm going to live it as I see fit. Again, you are not my husband and don't need to keep at it and at it and at it trying to muscle your way into my life - that's how it feels, so no matter what your intentions, so please step back. If you don't know how to relate to me in any way other than trying to always help me, then I'm going to have to limit our relations, meaning limiting interactions between us, which I don't really want to do.

After so many years, I hope you understand my personality enough to know that I like my independence. If you don't know how to give advice and then let me make my own decision (that is not harp on it) and can't find some other way to relate to me other than on the basis of always just wanting to "help" me, then our relationship is going to be very rocky. I need to be very blunt about this to make sure you understand, and to be very honest with you I'm not sure you'll understand anyway.

In the current situation I have issues to keep in mind that I don't expect you to understand and it may not even be any of your business what some of the issues are. I don't agree with everything you've done, but I don't keep harping at it. I don't even go around saying that you made your bed now sleep in it, although there are things I could say that about both you and [our other brother] in that regard (as well as both of you being able to say that about me too). But do I go around butting into your business saying, oh, no you need to do thus and so? No, I don't, I let you live your own lives. If I disagree strongly enough with either of you, I just step back and let you live your own life.

As far as I see it, trying to help me can have different purposes, as to why you might want to keep helping me. Besides the possibility of just plain and simple trying to help me, taking a helping role might help bolster your self esteem or perhaps increase your standing in the family. But this basically is happening by trying to make me look somehow less than you in one way or another. That is, your self esteem is bolstered so long as your relationship with (certain?) others is a certain way, and/or your view of ideal family relations is hierarchical, so you have a need to position yourself so you don't come out at the bottom.

This ignores the male-female issue. You, [our other brother and his sons] can go ahead and have our male bonding thing, that's fine with me. But you leave it there. I am not accepting your attributions of female expectations, and if your bonding explicitly or implicitly means that there are different expectations for me as a woman and/or my role in the family is defined mainly (or completely) by my gender, then I opt out. So now is the time to make these things clear.

And before you get all huffy about these things, you should just know that there some people who understand the gendered aspects of our family relationships, people who have come to this understanding on their own.

It's been quite a while since I've dated much and my health precludes the likelihood of this happening much in the future (not that I necessarily want to date anyway, because I'm rather happily single), but my experience is that many men don't understand a middle ground; either they want an all-out relationship with a woman (i.e., dating vs. friend; "going together" vs. casual dating, etc. ), or they want no relationship at all with her. In our case, it would be something like, you-the-helper and me-the-needy or no relationship at all. You have to come out on top or there's no relationship at all. That's how it feels at this end of the relationship.

This is how I foresee the future relationship between me and you and [our other brother] : The only way I will see you again is by my coming to Seattle. It's possible I could never see [our other brother] and the boys again, but if I do or if I see you in a situation other than my coming to Seattle it will be under the circumstances that you are more powerful than me, such as in a situation where you are "helping" me. This is unacceptable, and as things stand, I see my options as either opting out of the family or accepting being strong-armed into a "needy" position vis a vis you and/or [our other brother].

I should send this to [our other brother] too, but the context is yesterday's interactions about the condo. I'm not going to tell you all the issues involved in my decision making about the condo, because I don't expect you to understand and also because I want to live my life. I appreciate your advice about the condo, but you've started overstepping your bounds. There's nothing more I need from you regarding the condo, including setting things up. You've got a lot of good skills and knowledge, and you shouldn't need me to tell you that... unless you're insecure. So, let me be and if you want to help someone, go find a place to volunteer your services. I'm putting it like this because 1) you don't seem to know your bounds as to how much help might be appropriate, and 2) I think you don't know how to relate to me apart from "helping" me.

Before yesterday's interactions, I was sort of thinking that you could come down here at some point to just relax. But now I'm thinking that might be a pipe dream, for several reasons. 1) You're more likely to go to New York, where you'll have more fun and it would be better for you in the long run to maintain those relations, and 2) if you came down here it would not be to relax but to help me and maybe also relax some. In any case, you don't need me, although you might need [our other brother] and the boys. The need between you and [our other brother] is probably mutual.

***

He won't be able to accept this. He will protest vehemently about my assertions here and he will only be able to accept an all or nothing relationship - meaning our relationship is parent-child (with him as the "parent") or we don't have a relationship. The same is probably true for my other brother, mainly because of his vulnerability with his boys and living on his ex-wife's turf in small town America. Otherwise the other brother would be more able to have an adult to adult relationship with me. Also, we have major disagreements that he can't risk blowing up through closer contact.

Should I send this e-mail or not? Or should communicate these sentiments but in a different way? If I don't communicate them things will just go on as they are, which I can't accept either. If I just step back he may well not let the issue drop and insist on continuing to play the "parent" role, especially since this is an area where he is knowledgeable (it's his profession, after all). I don't know what to do, so I think I'll sit on it. If it persists, maybe I'll send it.

***

Post Script:

This is what happened yesterday: In the morning my brother e-mailed me a copy of the reserve study where he works. Later, after work, he called me en route to an appointment to discuss it and also, apparently, to underline that the information in the report is confidential.

First of all, we'd already hashed this out and I had told him (more than once, I believe) that my last condo had a lot in reserve, although I no longer have copies of those summaries we got at our annual business meeting. I had absolutely no need to have that information from my brother as I already understood and had people (a lawyer, financial adviser) here who were likewise concerned and we didn't need his involvement at all.

I hope you see how degrading this could be - it's basically telling me that he doesn't think I can make a decision like this on my own.

First of all, it's my life and I'm an adult and able to make my own decisions. My value structure and priorities are also my own and I am under no obligation to divulge them to my brothers. While the financial considerations in my decision are important, there are also other issues at stake, and whenever my brothers weigh in on anything it is actually, as it always turns out, more for their benefit - to serve their interests - than it is for my benefit and to serve my interests. For the immediate time it may look like it's for my interests, but it always turns out otherwise, and I've been down that road too many times with my family.

But usually if I stand my ground, that means I'll just be isolated, although dad was probably the one who was least likely to act this way in the family. Dad's helping me might have included a desire to minimize fallout from anything to do with his work affecting me, but he wouldn't isolate me. Mom could isolate me, but this was probably at least in part due to being in a weak position herself and not knowing who to believe or if she believed me there would be a great response from the other family member (depending on what the issue was).

I hope you can begin to see how I'm in a dilemma about who to name as benefactor(s), who to have power of attorney (in case I become incapacitated), etc. I just would like to have straight adult-to-adult relationships with family members, but the more of these things you add to the mix, the more there is the problem of inequality of power and if power is a significant issue in relations, than these issues (naming of benefactors, etc.) are not an insignificant ones. Also, I think in this kind of scenario - how my birth family functions - naming someone a benefactor is tantamount to saying I'm willing to play the child in a parent-child relationship with the person named my benefactor. I would also add that I am no one's benefactor, power of attorney, etc. So it's very much stacked against me, and virtually my only recourse is getting out or just accepting it and somehow playing along. This is what I did in Vienna and was told at the end my my main mentor that I was like the little school boy who, when he was sitting down in response to the teacher's demand, said that he was standing up on the inside. I think it's hard to keep this conflict up indefinitely, though (disagreeing but going along anyway).

So then my choices, basically, are 1) to opt out of the family (maintaining my beliefs & values and have thought-action congruity), 2) maintain relations and continue to deal with these issues but try to maintain my independence of thought (maintaining my beliefs & values and have thought-action incongruity), or 3) just give in (adapting my beliefs and values and have thought- action congruity).

I can think of a myriad ways any of these could play out and it might be possible to partially do any of them, but that's dependent on whether my brothers (the other parties remaining in the family) agree, because relationships are usually not unilateral ones. I'm skeptical that there's anyway to combine these 3 options, as I'm having a tough time thinking of how that could happen. The place where there might involve some variance is when you consider that the other party(-ies) could also opt for either 1, 2 or 3. In this case if we all went for option 3, we'd all be willing to relate to each other as adults and deal with these things on equal terms and in a respectful way. Respect, I should mention, disallows bullying, use of any type of putdowns, inequality in relations, not taking the other person seriously, etc. Let's just say that it would be a major miracle (think parting of the Red Sea) for all parties to take the third option in relation to each other. Maybe my brothers relate to each other this way, but they don't relate to me this way... which I theorize is because I have a vagina. (Sorry to be crude, but that's really what it comes down to, although that's not to say that's the only difference between us.)

276. Reprieve (Various)

My back pain still isn't too bad since having the epidural last Thursday (a week ago), but I've been taking 50 mg. tramadol at lunch, and I think it's affecting my fibromyalgia. The thing, is that pain isn't the only thing that affects fibromyalgia; for example, if I caught the flu (even without achiness that sometimes accompanies the flu) it could still affect the fibromyalgia. So I'm beginning to think that maybe things like my legs and g.i. system being affected by the stenosis is affecting the fibromyalgia, and those symptoms continue even if the back pain is taken care of or otherwise absent. Maybe that's why I'm getting a bit of the fibrofog and some elevated fibromyalgia pain too. So I'm going to have to augment my Lyrica dose, which is what I have an emergency 25 mg prescription for - to use in the event of a fibromyalgia flare. And I always tell my doctors if I've had to increase my dose, especially if it's more than once. Usually I have my fibromyalgia pretty well under control, although it does take work and money (vitamins aren't covered by insurance and aren't even tax-deductible in the U.S.).

Anyone who has a chronic condition like fibromyalgia can relate to going through this process to try to figure out what's going on with one's symptoms.

So now my options, vis a vis medications look like this:

1. If my back is hurting more than it should (either bad enough by itself to affect my functionality or bad enough to affect my fibromyalgia - these aren't the same thing, because for me the fibromyalgia-affecting threshold us usually lower than the pain-tolerance threshold - then I would take tramadol. This means that if I didn't have fibromyalgia I might not take tramadol for back pain as quickly as I do because of the risk of the back pain affecting fibromyalgia.

2. If my back pain isn't minimal but my fibromyalgia is acting up, I may need to take Lyrica instead of tramadol because something other than the back pain might be causing the fibromyalgia flare. My null hypothesis (that inclement weather was causing my fibrofog) was not supported by my informal

The thing is, regarding fibromyalgia and my back pain, the tramadol only indirectly helps my fibromyalgia, but if the back pain isn't the main cause of the fibromyalgia flare, than taking tramadol might not be very affective in getting my fibromyalgia under control, because tramadol doesn't directly help my fibromyalgia pain (although I understand it does help many people with fibromyalgia). But if the back pain seems to be the cause of my fibromyalgia flare, then it might be more affective to take the tramadol to help the fibromyalgia by decreasing the back pain that is causing the fibromyalgia flare.

It's trial and error as to how exactly these things work as it's a bit different for everyone with fibromyalgia, but this is my current theory regarding my own health situation. That is, I'm reneging on the weather theory. My null hypothesis (that inclement weather was the cause of my fibro flare) was informally proven wrong.

***

I'm waiting with baited breath to hear from the general contractor. I left a voicemail message for him.

Meanwhile, yesterday I looked online at kitchen cabinet features, and today I tried to decide other things I could cut out that I wanted to do, such as replacing some of my current furniture. So I think I've sort of decided that I should focus, besides the things the general contractor would be doing, on the kitchen and living/dining room. My bedroom furniture could suffice and I do have a desk and file cabinets to be more or less functional in the second bedroom. I have a couch, and matching end table/coffee table, but I really should switch to leather overstuffed furniture as it's better than cloth for dust mite allergies (although I'm otherwise rather ambivalent about leather). I also have a dining room table and chairs, but I'd need a small dinette for the eat-in kitchen. I could also pass up getting things for the balcony if I have to. I also probably am more-or-less okay regarding lamps, although I was wanting to get a floor lamp for the living room.

So if the contractor's figures were pushing what I could do, at least I'd only have to get living room seating and a dinette set, as far as furniture is concerned, although I also want to get some pictures (mostly paintings) framed, which I'll still do. So I might be able to do that on $2500 if I do a good job of bargain shopping.

***

There are other things I could say, but I think that's enough for now.

275. Reprieve: Fibrofog

The last half hour I've been feeling myself going into a fibrofog. The thing is that for me when there is rain and it's cool outside there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, I'm going to get fibrofog. Unfortunately, it's 78 degrees according to NOAA and Weather.com. So then I don't know why I would be going into a fog.

I can feel it because I get tingling in my head and then I get so that I can sort of stare out in space and not remember what I was doing and things like that. I'm just glad that I didn't have it earlier today when I met with my realtor, the listing realtor and the general contractor.

I just went off into my staring into space, but I'll try to keep my thoughts together enough to finish this very brief post. The contractor should have his estimate to me by the end of the week (day after tomorrow) and then I should know pretty well whether I can afford this unit or whether it would be more feasible to buy another unit in the same complex that it more than I wanted to spend but in move-in conditions and includes nice furniture (about one-third to a half of which I wouldn't keep). My legs weren't that great today and my pain is getting a little worse too, so I was pretty wiped out afterwards, especially since the a/c isn't working (another thing to replace, including condenser unit) in the unit.

I came home and just got to laying down with my electric heated throw (heat helps my pain, even if I'm not really cold), and that's when my brother called to find out how things went. The reserves for the complex aren't very good - it's as if the complex was living from paycheck to paycheck, with not backup monies. So I have to be prepared for a sizable special assessment if a hurricane should hit. This is the only complex that I've found that I like here, but the two drawbacks are the reserves and no pets allowed (except birds and fish).

Also, yesterday an interior decorator called me back and I think she might be a good fit to help me, although we didn't go into details about her set up. I could have asked her to come in today, but I thought that would be too much going on with the general contractor and the listing agent both. But before I have any work done I would want her help, at the very least in advising as to how to best get things coordinated, which would undoubtedly mean some change to what the general contractor is putting together, but I suspect the main changes would be in the bathrooms, since we're basically redoing the sink, vanity, mirror, and medicine cabinets in both bathrooms, and also possibly the design of the kitchen cabinets, which we didn't go into too much today, except the basic layout. Other than that, since I found out that laminate flooring gets torn up by wheel chairs (and I'm having my 3rd spinal stenosis in 3 years currently, which I expect to lead to another surgery shortly), so I have to go with either hardwood or ceramic tiles in the areas that currently have carpet, which is a no go with dust mite allergies (not to mention I don't like the carpet anyway). So I found bamboo flooring online at Lumber Liquidator and I think we can get vertical blinds & horizontal blinds (for the sliding glass doors to the balcony) and also floor board to all match, which I think would be a nice way to tie the unit together. Since the flooring and floorboards wouldn't be coming out everywhere it would just be the blinds that would be a common feature, but still, it might have some uniting affect.

I've been researching these things the past month or so and found different furniture and the like that I like for fairly reasonable prices. So I have an idea of what I like and what I'm thinking of in the various rooms.

I also met with my financial adviser yesterday, so he and the lawyer as well as my condo manager brother in Seattle all had pertinent questions for the listing agent regarding reserves and special assessments in particular. I think having all those interested parties sort of pulled the rug out from the listing agent who seemed to be using intimidation tactics (via e-mail to my realtor). I also wore a suit (the most comfortable one I have considering anything around my waist hurts) in order to increase my "I mean business" and "I'm not some dumb blond that you can just push around" impression on him.

There are other people looking at the unit and it's still on the market, since I haven't signed the addendum yet, which needs to be amended, per discussions between my lawyer and the seller's lawyer. If the general contractor's estimate comes back at all doable we'll then put together the contract and I'll sign it and put my money in escrow. I still would like to have an inspector, but at this point that would mainly be for my own information because the whole reason we did this today is that the seller wants to know that I am for sure planning to buy the unit if the bank approves it because the bank is evidently difficult to work with - this is a short sale unit and the amount I'm offered is what was listed as it being pre-approved for, but it's not technically pre-approved, it's just that the bank recently made a counter-offer for this amount, so the seller is assuming that the bank will accept this amount. They're also paying the title fees, which cuts out some of my closing costs.

I think that's all for now.

That's all for now.

274. Continued Reprieve

I suppose I should be numbering these "reprieve" entries. I want to continue calling them reprieves, though, because they are interruptions from my regular posting about my history, which currently means the "organizational behavior" file article comments.

There are a few things that have happened that I would like to comment on here. One involves family and the other is regarding church. These are the main things I want to discuss here.

Regarding family, I decided about a week ago I wanted a break from the close communications with my brothers. At the end of my phone conversation with one of my brothers saying how I couldn't believe I'd forgotten my physical therapy appointment, he made a comment comparing me to mom but saying at least I didn't do it repeatedly (that was the gist of his comment). This made me thing that he (if not both of my brothers) were going to look for chances to find me with emotional problems similar to mom. This I understand to be because that's the script the family has for me (which I think was laid out by dad years ago, which may have served, at least in part, to let dad off the hook for the impact his work has had on me. It also undoubtedly served to keep the male and female distinction all that much clearer in the family, regarding roles, stereotypical characteristics and expectations by other members of the family.)

This brief comment had several implications for me. One was that it demonstrated that nothing had changed with mom's death, and that they were still going to look for ways that I am like mom. I attribute this to being at least in part because they have a vested interest in maintaining their privileged position in the family, where the men "where the pants" so to speak. But, as I told my brothers a few weeks ago in an e-mail, I am not their wife and they are not my "head" (I Cor. 11: 3ff). That is, if they want to wear the pants in reference to a woman they are going to have to find themselves wives, because I'm not going to let them play this role vis a vis myself. I understand that rejecting this type of relationship opens myself to being left completely alone, however, because I don't know that they know any other way to relate to women, so if they can't relate to me in this way they aren't going to relate to me in any way at all.

So anyway, the long and the short of it is that I haven't had contact with my brothers for a week or so now. I just told them in an e-mail that I needed some space, but I did comment about how I didn't want to be compared to mom. The fact that I missed one appointment does not make me like mom, it only means that I'm frazzled and at my limits as to how much I can take... which I hope the reader can understand if you've followed how much I've been through just in this one year alone, let alone what immediately preceded this year (i.e., before I started writing this blog). It's not like I am just laying down in bed depressed and not doing anything. Rather, my being at my limits (including declining health from the new stenosis) has resulted in me making errors on various fronts as I try to keep up with everything, but am not so successful at it despite my best efforts.

One thing I will say is that it's possible my brothers might not be completely conscious of doing this or taking this position, but, if I may, I'd like to make a comparison to another social reality that I learned about while in my doctoral studies (which I left before completing). That is, regarding white people's "superiority" as far as social positioning in U.S. culture is concerned. That is, being white has it's advantages here. As far as an individual white person's belief about this in regards to his or her self is concerned, they may deny this as being true, and really believe that there is no difference, at least as far as he or she is concerned. But for the people on the other end of the stick - the non-whites - they feel it more clearly and are more sensitive to this kind of thing because they know they have to overcome this social inequality to be able to function on an even keel with whites. The advantaged party in this kind of relationship is more or less blind to inequalities, but the less advantaged party experiences it more clearly. This is the case with being woman in relation to men in many contexts too.

But my brothers may also be more aware of this relationship with women, and maybe with me in particular, than I give them credit for, in as much as they may realize their is sibling rivalry going on and they understand that the male card is one way they can try to maintain or gain superiority over me (or at least equality with me if they feel like they are disadvantaged in some other non-gender-related way). Also, they may have this image of maleness that disallows for a woman being strong. Having a strong woman, I suspect, can have at least two implications. One is that the woman could be labeled a "feminist," which is a bad thing. The other is that the existence of a strong woman could mean that they are emasculated, failing in their manliness whereby they should be the caretaker and authority over women (or at least women they have close relations with).

It may seem like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, that is, reading more into a passing comment than is warranted. But I've been in this family 51 years now and my experience and understanding leads me to understand that this comment rests on an underlying pathological (in my opinion) mental construct.

The other thing I'd like to bring out from this brief exchange is how it exemplifies that men (cp. In the Company of Women) don't reveal their weaknesses and to do so is seen as weakness. The context of my admission of having forgotten that physical therapy appointment was in my explaining how I was getting overwhelmed and not keeping up with things very well - that there are just too many things going on in my life. The fact that that brother should verbally compare me to mom (who missed several appointments in the past several months, often for very real physical problems that had nothing to do with her emotional health), is somewhat ironic, however, because the paperwork he sent me regarding the estate had a few pages stapled out of order and one page in duplicate. So he is also having trouble keeping up with things and, if the golden rule is in play here, how he treated me is how he himself would like to be treated. In this case, I would say that when dad died they found his then recent affairs uncharacteristically not in as good an order as one would think considering he was a program manager in the control of very expensive military contract programs. That is, towards the end of his life he wasn't doing so well. I'm not sure how I can compare my brother to him in this situation, however. Might it mean that my brother will die shortly? Or maybe he is becoming overwhelmed with the care of his handicapped son similar to how dad was becoming overwhelmed with the care for mom, especially after she had attempted suicide that winter. This is the kind of thinking that one might expect in a tit for tat comparison of weakness of (adult) children following the weakness of a same-gendered parent. The logic, I think, is rather faulty, but this is how my brother apparently thinks. Or maybe he doesn't want a tit for tat (or "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" thought process.

***

The other thing that I would like to discuss here involves church. Months ago pastor decided to have a membership class with me and another person who'd indicated an interest in joining the church. To accommodate me with my health limitations, he'd offered to have the 3 orientation sessions at my place and even brought the other person here. From the beginning he set timelines so that we could be brought into the church at such and such a specific Sunday. There were a couple delays because of the other person or him. And then somewhere along the line they decided to have refreshments after church on the day were were publicly admitted as members. Towards the end, though, as I was feeling worse and worse and not attending church regularly (first because of being away when mom died and then not wanting to try to attend the Mother's Day service, followed by declining health.

The week before the service he said that he might have us both share our testimony and do something during the service, and asked me to read Scripture. The middle of the week before the induction I e-mailed him that I was getting worse and didn't want to be asked to do anything extra besides just doing the vows, but later that day he called to ask me to read Scripture, saying he was also asking the other person to do something. It seemed to me that he hadn't read my e-mail yet; otherwise, if he was intentionally ignoring it, that would have worse implications as to what was going on. He was so enthusiastic and made it difficult to opt out, so I rather reluctantly agreed to do it. In the above discussed conversation with my brother I told him about what was going on and he said to just say no.

Meanwhile, I was keeping him and the church updated as to my health issues and finally late last weak I e-mailed him saying I was feeling pressured and "railroaded" into doing more than I could and I said I couldn't promise I would be at church on Sunday because I was feeling so badly. Rather in alarm the pastor called me and said that people were bringing refreshments and making rather a big effort to...

June 14, 2011

I can't remember what interrupted me when I started this post, but I'll try to pick up where I left off.

... celebrate the entrance of 3 new members to the church. He suggested someone drive me to church, so I agreed and a while later he called to let me know about the arrangements to get me to church... but we'd find someone at the time to take me home.

I was feeling so crummy that I didn't even stand for any of the singing and they even had to bring a chair up for me to sit on when taking the vows. I stayed long enough to get just enough refreshments to take my noon meds & supplements, which included pain medicine. One couple had kindly prepared cards to welcome each of us, which was a nice gesture. Otherwise, me and the other gal who had gone through the orientation classes together sat at a small table alone and I was really feeling so badly that I even forgot her name, if you can imagine that! I was so bad off that I should not have been there and I think everyone recognized that and it was pretty awkward.

It would have been better to just say that I was ill and couldn't make it, instead of going through all that to get me there. I felt like I was sort of an object, something to add to someone's trophy case. To make it worse, no one from church has even contacted me since.

***

Well, I'll leave that subject for now.

The past couple of weeks have been a wild roller coaster of crises regarding my health and/or the condo search. I asked for some space from my brothers, which allowed me to sort of shelve the whole family thing, including dealing with mom's death. I was in survival mode, which is something, in case you haven't figured that out yet, that I'm quite familiar with. At least my doctors this time around have been on the ball and everyone's doing what they're supposed to be doing, which is a tremendous relief, to say the least. What I went through with the cervical thing this past fall and winter is something that was mostly avoidable... that is, my symptoms should have been dealt with quicker and better. Well, eventually they were handled well, once I found someone who was willing and able to do something about the problem.

This condo thing has been pretty stressful at times, though, and I think my realtor and I have at times had a bit of a love-hate relationship. Well, both of those terms (love and hate) actually exaggerate things, but you get the idea (I hope).

Today and tomorrow could potentially be watersheds in my living situation. This afternoon I meet with my financial adviser and hopefully things will begin to solidify in that regard, although it's still not 100% what my ongoing housing costs will be. Then tomorrow me, my realtor, the listing agent and a general contractor are all convening at the current unit of interest. This should lead to a pretty good estimate of what it would cost from the repair and renovation standpoint (i.e., not counting furniture). I'm trying to stay within a certain amount and I've been spending a lot of time on line trying to realistically figure things out.

For example, I've found various on-line venders that sell everything from furniture (general or specialized), blinds, flooring, paint, blinds, etc. I found 6 venders that have at least one option for each of my main needs (such as dinette set, patio furniture, etc.). Then I went through and selected the best in each category from each vender. The total costs range from about $13k to about $22k. But that's not counting shipping. I've found that most venders have free "curb side shipping," which means they delivery truck will park in front of the building. Beyond that, it's up to you to take it off the truck, bring it inside, bring it in the room of choice, unpack it, and assemble it (if necessary). That is, if you want those things you can have them... for a price. To learn the price for a particular item you usually have to call to ask about it. However, several venders to offer free "white glove" service on specific items, usually the more expensive ones, like large wall sets or china cabinets. Nevertheless, going through this process has let me know what might be reasonable to expect as far as how much to spend on furniture and what types of things are out there to choose between. I've been hampered by my health in doing much running around to local stores, though.

But beyond that I've turned to focus more on preparations for tomorrow's meeting with the general contractor. If the contractor is going to give me a useful and more accurate estimate, I have to provide certain information. For example, cabinet refacing, which this unit needs in the kitchen and also both bathrooms. It would be helpful if I suggested what type of cabinetry I'd like, including hardware. And the flooring and blinds/shades are even more important, because what type of flooring and blinds affect the installation process which directly affects the cost of installation. So I have to have these things reasonably decided upon.

The emotional part of all this has involved things like my realtor getting impatient with me, the interface between me, my lawyer, the realtor, the selling agent, the selling agent's lawyer, the seller, etc. And these communciations are generally not direct but funneled through someone else. Sometimes time has been of the essence. Sometimes it seems as if there has been some miscommunication, etc.

***

As to my health, I had an epidural shot last Thursday for the lumbar. The neuro-surgeon thinks it's lumbar, but the neurologist suspects it's thoracic. I don't have the results of the thoracic MRI yet, although I have the images themselves, which they gave me right afterwards. The thoracic MRI was problematic because hardware from my first spinal diskectomy & fusion (T11-L1) interfered with the imaging, so I had to re-schedule at another location (same company) where they had an open MRI.

Having the epidural allowed me to stop the tramadol, as I was up to 100 mg four times a day. But yesterday and today I've taken 50 mg at lunch.

The past week and a half my legs have been bothering me more, meaning it's become harder to walk. I had a couple good days in there, but it seems to be getting more constant. So whereas the epidural can help the pain, it can't necessarily help the other neurological symptoms, such as muscle weakness. Also, my gastrointestinal system has been affected and a few weeks ago I was prescribed this stuff you drink before having a colonoscopy. Then I was told I could increase my genrlac to 30 ml twice a day (up from once a day). The increased genrlac has helped a lot.

***

Last weekend I started getting caught up on some things so that I didn't feel so all over the place and focused only on whatever was happening at the moment. I hadn't had any contact with my brothers until yesterday and I think that was good, to have that break. Also, having so much to do with such urgency has helped keep my mind of mom and the family. Eventually that will catch up with me, but hopefully by then it will be more manageable to deal with constructively. In this regard, I've been more fortunate than my brothers because they've been working all this time on things regarding mom and even if they've been busy they haven't had the benefit of being able to step back from it. I did scan in and e-mail them a few more sympathy cards I received from the notices I sent out (from all of us). When I get the list, I will likewise send out thank you notes to those who made donations to the church in mom's name. But this is a lot less intense and demanding then the kind of things my brothers have been doing.

***

Well, this is a long enough post, so I'm going to end here. Can you believe my life? If I told you I feel like my whole life has been like this since more or less 1987 would you believe me? I won't make firm statements about whether or not I'm sane or how sane I might be, but I do think that altogether I've dealt reasonably well with everything I've faced. That doesn't mean I've always done everything right though (who has?), or that I haven't had my moments when things got to me. But I think all in all I'm a pretty strong person and fairly observant. I may be too analytical for my own good, but sometimes I feel like I'm treated like a "dumb blond" or "just a woman" or "an easy push over", and I think being observant and intentionally reflective has been one way to deal with these attitudes from others. I'm not saying it's the best way, just that it's something I do and I think it's at least a fairly good approach, especially within my personality.

***

One more thing: I know it may seem like I'll never get back to the chronology, but that's how I've felt about a good part of my life for years now. I'm always thinking things will normalize and then when it appears they are I start to take advantage of that and WHAM! something throws everything out of kilter again and off I go on another crisis and/or tangent...

273. Family-Related Reprieve

I believe I've discussed the issue of power in my family, but, as you can well imagine, the death of our last parent changes the dynamics. However, I don't think the rules have really changed. I may not like what I'm going to talk about here, but it's the way things are.

Mom's power was based on her financial resources.

One thing that I've had thrown at me from time to time since I returned to the States from Russia in 1997 is the idea that I'm selfish because I only have myself to worry about. Until now my brother in Seattle had one or both of our parents to care for, and my other brother has his two boys.

The options for me, as far as how things could acceptably be different, putting me in a position of having someone else to care for are basically limited to getting married and having a husband to care for. I can't have children at this point in my life, so that possibility is out. So how would the power distribution look if I got married? A lot, of course, depends on how I might marry, but if the power issues if I were to marry were to remain as they currently are in the family I would be under my husband and the family would be run by a cabal of men. My brothers would quickly latch on to my husband to ensure that the family values and modus operandi remain as they are, which is heavily biased in favor of men's superiority of position and power. Male manliness would be in question if anything but male domination were to play out in family relations.

The power of my brother in Seattle is also, however, also affected by mom's death. Now the same accusation of having only himself to care for can also be used against him too. So he has to now secure his power footing in the family in the new configuration sans mom. He has some power in his stability and also his not having so many problems as me and our other brother. That is, he is not very vulnerable in comparison to us. My vulnerability is based on my health and also my poverty as well as the basic vulnerability that comes with being female in this family. Our other brother's vulnerability is based on his familial problems, being divorced, his having a handicapped child, and his being on his ex-wife's turf in a semi-rural area where she and her birth family have some clout. The brother in Seattle also has power in the form of close contact with other family members, since he's living where we were raised, and also the church we were raised in. Church-related clout doesn't affect the other brother because he's settled enough in his church and also friends elsewhere he went to Bible school with.

My brother in Seattle will want to secure his standing in the family by confirming his manliness. This might be acted out in strengthening male bonding with the other brother and our nephews. It could also affect his relationship with me if he tries to take a male dominant relationship with me. To a certain extent I have some power to avoid this happening, but that depends on my health too, which I don't have so much control over. So if my health deteriorates and he steps in to help me and I accept his help, the price for accepting that help will be (tacitly) agreeing to his male dominance over me, with all the nuances that includes. He could also try to shore up his local relations, with family and church, to limit his vulnerability and provide a buffer against any weakness he might have vis a vis our other brother and me.

The brother in New England, on the other hand, has lost a grandmother to his two boys. And mom did cherish her grandsons and went to great lengths to send personalized gifts, including some heirloom and written things. This was a boon to my brother as a buffer against his ex-wife's family's influence on his sons. However because of our falling out that landed me back in Florida a year ago, he will be reticent to let me fill in any gap left by mom. If he were to allow me any contact with his boys it would be highly regulated by him and I would make myself quite vulnerable to him opening myself up to the same kind of thing that I witnessed and experienced living in his apartment (above his office).

As to myself, I have to decide whether any of the male scripting is going to change in the family. If not, should I open myself up to closer ties with my brothers I am putting myself at risk for falling into the same male dominated relations that existed before mom died. My cousin (the one who agreed that my family - and hers too - operate on a survival of the fittest basis) thinks I shouldn't have signed the document my brother with the two sons had me sign before I returned here to Miami. She said she thought my nephews acted like they were abused and she was concerned that I had agreed, by signing the document, to forego contact with my nephews. However, she doesn't appreciate how vulnerable I was, living in his apartment free of charge on his turf, and being sick myself. I'm not sure I am strong enough to be able to deal with any gaff from my brother and be any help to my nephews. Instead, I may actually strengthen my brother's hold on them by opening myself up to my brother to have contact with them. My brother's position vis a vis his boys could be strengthened because of his confirmation of his manliness through his relations with me, but also serve as an excuse to further tighten his control over his boys to protect them from such mal-intentioned individuals as myself (that is, that's how he would describe me, at least in part).

So what can or should I do under such circumstances? I don't think either of my brothers are malicious, but "just" want to maintain the power-holds that they think they "should" have and maintain the public image they want to have. But the potential end result of this is, I think, not dissimilar to what it would be if they were just plain malicious. Because of my health and poverty I don't think that I can expect to have much influence on my nephews, so I think that that's pretty much a moot issue. So then it just has to do with

1. whether I agree with my brothers on how things should be and what they want out of the relationship,
2. how much I disagree with them, and
   
3. what I'm willing to accept as consequences of holding my ground on areas we might disagree on.

The problem for me is that I find it hard to stick to convictions like this, which was more or less the kind of dilemmas I faced while living in Russia regarding relations with my parents and also with the USA (i.e., whether to return her either for a visit or for good, citizenship, etc.). So I end out being or at least appearing to be fickle. As an idealist I want to stick to my beliefs and values, but it's hard when I'm also so vulnerable and the alternate is not totally bereft of virtue. However, when I've caved in in the past doing so has generally been taken to mean that I'm accrediting those I have issue with with more virtue than I think is the case or is due them. So, for example, when I returned to the USA from living in Russia in 1997 my father, I think, thought I was doing so from the standpoint of believing that the fault in whatever political problems I may have experienced lies with Russia, not the USA. This interpretation of my return to the USA, however, does not fit my thoughts on the issue. Rather, I was just returning to the USA thinking that I was at a career dead-end in Russia and my chances of having a fulfilling career would be better in the USA. This thinking on my part turned out to be very erroneous, but I only returned here very reluctantly as more or less a last resort because nothing else seemed to be working out, so I saw it as sort of a last resort and with the ruble being practically worthless I didn't want to end out isolated in Siberia with things as they were going at the time. This isn't the same as believing that the USA was absolved of all guilt in my life experiences, which I never believed. But this, I think, is more or less what dad thought I was thinking when I returned to the USA. So this is how actions like this can be misinterpreted to be more of an acquiescence than is the case in reality.

These are some of the things I and my brothers have to deal with regarding our relations with one another as also in adjusting to our new lives without mom.

272. Reprieve Continued

I think everything is starting to get to me and I'm pretty burned out after all these crises one right after the other. Now I learned today that I do in fact have a new stenosis at Lumbar 5/Sacal 1 (L1/S1), and I have an epidural shot scheduled for next week for the pain. So far the neurological symptoms are too bad, mostly tingling in the feet and only a little weakness in the legs. I think it's affecting my gastro-intestinal system though.

I'm still dealing with things around mom's death and the family, but that's going to take some time to come to grips with it, and whatever implications there might be.

And the condo search is taking longer than I'd like too, and it turns out that there aren't many options of places that meet my criteria.

But the reason I'm posting this time is to discuss my relationship with my brothers. It was nice that while I was in Seattle staying with a family friend for the funeral a month ago I mentioned something I was getting frustrated about as being a male thing going on in the family and he said he recognized it too. (He's known the family pretty well over many years.) I find it encouraging when someone else has observances that mesh with mine, as it serves as a kind of confirmation that my observational skills are pretty good, and it seems they generally are pretty accurate.

I have to decide how I'm going to relate to my brothers now. Ever since I returned to Florida over a year ago now I haven't been filling out "emergency contact" forms, and if I have to put anyone I designate my pastor as the emergency contact. Within this context I've thought of what the implications might be or should be regarding naming my brothers as beneficiaries in financial matters. The thing is, of, course, that I don't have anyone else, so I'm stuck. Or am I? It's been my observation of people from the two generations before me that this kind of felt dilemma makes people make otherwise uncharacteristic compromises of one sort or another. Such compromises generally don't sit too well with me. That doesn't mean I'm above such compromises altogether, but Scripturally such compromises are sin in as much as "whatsoever is not of faith is sin" (Rom. 14:23).

The latest dialogue dealing with these relationships regards my contention that mom was the last person who really loved me. I mentioned feeling like this (among other things) in an e-mail to my brothers, which they (rather predictably) vehemently protested. But is this a case of where "methinks thous protests too much" could be an issue? Also, I'd like to turn to another Scripture, although I might be doing so somewhat out of context; that is James 4:20: "But do you want to know, O foolish man, that faith without works is dead?" Or more aptly, I John 3:18: "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth."

Now before I get in to this too much, I should say that I am just as guilty of this as my brothers are. On my part my neglect of my brothers has been fairly intentional, such as in response to something one of them did or said and/or an attempt to avoid partaking in what I see as unhealthy familial interpersonal relations. But, no matter what the reason, the end result is basically the same I think.

The recent time where the contrast between mom's relationship to me and my brothers' relations with me are in direct contrast was when I was in the hospital last January after my cervical surgery. I didn't hear from my brothers at all during that time, but mom called me a lot, especially that day after the operation when I was in so much pain and not being adequately treated for it. She really was very upset that I was in so much pain... because she loved me.

The other thing that comes to mind on this issue dates from the month before I left my brother in New England to return here to Florida. As it happened I was supposed to start on a Cognitive Behavior Therapy treatment, but ended out instead dealing with what was going on there and other relevant family issues. As one point the psychologist asked me if it must be confusing to her my brother there say he loved me when he was treating me like he was. I shrugged this suggestion off, saying that I mostly ignored it, but I thought my brother really did think he loved me, but I thought his concept of love is warped. It's hard to say anything has really changed in the past year or so since then.

This, then brings us back to the issue of whether or not my brothers and I love each other. I mostly think we don't although I think they love each other.

The other thing is something I've talked with one of my cousins about, and that is my determination that our family runs on a "survival of the fittest" mentality. She picked up on this and agreed wholeheartedly, thinking in the broader family terms (I just meant my parents and brothers and I, but she interpreted it in extended family terms). In this value system, mom was the weakest link and now I am the weakest link, followed by my handicapped nephew who has muscular dystrophy. Now we all know what happens to "weakest links," at least in Darwinian terms. Weakest links get shoved aside and left to die while the stronger and more fit forge ahead, or climb some kind of ladder of success (however "success" might be defined). I hope you can see how the weakest link is not exactly the object of massive quantities of love, or at least might feel that way.

Unfortunately, I wasn't in a position to help mom much and the males in the family pretty much saw to that, making my role to be one of encourager, which was touted as being very important in the grand scheme of things. Early on after dad's death 5 years ago I offered to live with mom but that was responded to with resounding nos. Short of that, from a distance there wasn't much I could do without entangling myself in familial relations I didn't want to get caught up in. The other thing I did a few times was call someone back there in Seattle to help out in one way or another. But that's about all I could do. A few times I called mom right when she was having problems and so was able to help out from a distance in that way. But she was not good at reaching out when she needed help. She maybe called 2 or 3 times for help after dad's death, but those were the exception. And she never seemed to reveal her struggles with me like she did with my brothers. I think that's partly because she saw me in some ways as competition, which I won't go into now, but that's a whole other issue by itself. Let's just say that this is where the book "In the Company of Women" could be helpful.

But to return to the issue at hand, I need to decide what my response is going to be to my brothers' assertions that they love me. By response I mean how I think about it primarily, but also what my response actions might or should be. I really don't want to get caught up in unhealthy family relations, but it would be difficult to completely break ties with my brothers, so I have to figure out what my response will be.

It's late and I"m tired... Good night.

6/1/11 (next day) Addendum:

After thinking about this post I thought of a couple other things I should add or clarify.

First of all, I don't know that my brother in Seattle could have done any better than he did at taking care of mom. He did get frustrated with her sometimes, but I'm not sure that my other brother or I would have done much, if any, better on that score. If there was anyone who was better in this regard it was dad. My other brother might have gotten angry (or possibly even angrier), but I might have been more inclined to sort of make moratoriums with mom, which could have left her to her own devices more. This may or may not have been a good thing. To a certain extent it could have been helpful (regarding her well-being), but at other times it could have been tantamount to abandoning her. That would depend, to a large degree, on her response to being left with more responsibility for her own care and how I handled giving it to her. Sometimes being given more responsibility can encourage more self-effort, but there would have to have been certain safety mechanisms in place that didn't just left her high and dry if she messed up and I don't know how good I would have been at that part of it - making sure there were appropriate safety mechanisms in place. This would have been much like taking the parenting role in dealing with her.

The other issue regarding my relationship with my brothers has to do with sibling "equality." I don't remember this being an issue until dad started saying things about it starting sometime when I was living in Russia during the 1990s. My recollection was that he put it in terms of him being limited in how much he could help me because my brothers were demanding more equality in our parents dealings with us kids. I'm not sure how this transpired between my parents and brothers, so I can't really speak about that. I don't remember really having a problem with this except that I blamed my dad for a lot of my problems anyway, as I've discussed a lot in this blog. I didn't see him as being to blame for any difficulties my brothers had in which they might have needed help. But in general I don't think outside of my problems being related to dad I don't think I had a problem with this premise. But I did see a potential of this equality issue as being a sort of scape goat to get dad off the hook for my problems. Of course dad might not have been directly the cause of any of my problems. That is, he didn't make me do anything or order any of my problems. So it was an indirect causation at best, and the more indirectly the problem could be attributed to being related to him and his work the harder it would be to expect him to try to compensate for my problems or help me get out of them. So at some point the finger would have turned to be pointing more at me and less at him as far as taking responsibility is concerned. To a certain extent, I think, this is justified, but in one way it isn't. What I mean is that it depends on how much one considers past events as having a bearing on current events. The logic might go something like this:

I probably never would have had the problems I did with the Vienna mission if it weren't for dad's work.

If I hadn't had problems with the Vienna mission I wouldn't have had to change careers (missions being all but a closed door at that point).

If dad hadn't been in the work he was the Soviet guest I helped host during the Seattle Goodwill Games wouldn't have been someone other than who we expected and probably a spy (with no other known reason for why he was there).

If I hadn't helped host a Soviet guest at the Goodwill Games who was most likely a Soviet spy I probably wouldn't have gotten the call I did the next January inviting me to the Soviet Union to teach ESL.

If I had been invited to teach ESL in the Soviet Union by a group who ended out being the Young Communist League (although they denied it vehemently) I wouldn't have had the problems I did in the USSR/Russia.

If I hadn't been invited to the USSR under questionable circumstances I would not have had the trouble I did leaving Russia for good in 1997.

If I hadn't had the political problems I had to that point I wouldn't have had the problems I did with the universities in Indiana and Pennsylvania in trying to make me do or be something I didn't want to do or be. (You'll have to wait for more details on that until I get closer to that point in my autobiography.)

If I hadn't had problems with the universities and then with jobs too I wouldn't have had to make another career change to become a librarian.

Etc., etc.

After I left Russia the connection with dad became gradually more and more tenuous. The most likely continuing connection would have been something akin to being based on hearsay or the like. I'm not quite sure how I can attribute these experiences to dad, other than it just felt like my problems were too systematic and predictable to be just coincidence. Of course, this is exactly how dad might appear justified in not accepting responsibility for my life experiences. And the rest of the family would have not understood these things so anything past Russia they wouldn't have attributed at all to him. But I think dad also might have honestly thought those involved in security related to his work (or former work, depending on the point of time in question) had strict legal boundaries that they adhered to. In other words, he attributed to these security-related individuals and institutions a certain integrity and ethical nobility, which I've come to question, to say the least. Fortunately for me I'm not the only one who has ever questioned these things. I say "fortunately" because it gives me a little more credibility. Whether or not I have credibility and/or security organizations and individuals have integrity does not prove that in particular situations I was a victim of monkey business. Rather, it only opens up the possibility that I was such a victim.

Still, I did make my own choices along the way and I have to take responsibility for those choices. The main issue I have here is regarding how free I was to make the choices I did. Some of the limitations might include my value system, how much political manipulation was going on, and how much relevant information I had (or lacked) in order to make good decisions.

I think that's enough for now and I have to go to physical therapy.