This has been a rough few weeks, and I'm afraid it's not over yet. But yesterday I was prescribed more pain medicine so at least I'm a lot more functional now. We still don't know everything that's going on health-wise, but I had another blood test today and I have 3 MRIs this week. Here's what we have so far:
1. It appears that I have a pinched nerve in the cervical area. At least that's what the x-ray showed, although the MRI should provide more information.
2. Something is also going on in my lower spine, but it's not yet certain what. I'm having pain in both the cervical and lower spine and trouble with my legs (esp. the left one) and my left arm.
3. I still have the allergy thing going on and I have to get off my 3 allergy meds. pretty soon in preparation for my next appointment with the allergy doctor so he can see what the current status is vis a vis my allergic reaction.
4. My primary care doctor ordered a blood test (Alpha-fetoprotein-L3 percent) today that seems to be for cancer (see LabTestsOnline.com)
My finances are a problem too, but I'm doing the best I can. I'm having to cut back on some of my supplements. I've also been having some more chest congestion lately which has me concerned that the viral bug I had from mid Dec. 2009 to mid. Aug. 2010 might not be completely gone either. Then I keep coming up with new symptoms and I'm only relieved to find out their inconsequential (such as the bumps in my left armpit I found Mon. morning).
I feel like I'm falling a part, but my physical therapist assures me they'll put me back together again. As you can well guess, I've been pretty pre-occupied with health issues and just taking care of my basic chores and responsibilities, so working on this blog has become a lower priority at this point. The way things look now, though, I expect it's going to be a while before things settle down for me health-wise and I can resume my life story. But then, this is my life story too, just in real-time.
In the mean-time I hope you're faring better than I am!
~Meg
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
111. Marathon Day
By "marathon" I mean I was running all day like in a marathon.
I started out at the Vocational Rehabilitation office where I was supposed to sign my work agreement. I updated the social worker on my health condition and we agreed to stall a bit, but signed it with that caveat. Hopefully it won't be too much longer before I can work again.
Then from there I had physical therapy, but I had to try to get medical records, especially lab reports, from a couple of doctor's offices near where my physical therapy is. The first office actually handles medical records at another site, so they're mailing them to me. The second place gave them to me, but I was late to physical therapy by that time, so I came back after p/t to pick them up.
After p/t I quickly grabbed a sandwich for lunch (to eat in the car) and then swung by to get the second set of medical records. Then I headed to my allergy doctor appointment. My face was pretty swollen again this morning, but as the day wore on it subsided.
I got to the appointment and the gal at the front desk put me on the phone with the person (someone different from who I talked to when I called from home) who is in charge of insurance for them, and basically it became clear that they were always going to require a co-pay from me ($30 per doctor visit). So with that new and apparently final information, I told them that I couldn't continue there in that case because I couldn't afford the co-pays, especially if there were going to be frequent appointments, which it was looking like was going to be the case.
Then I went to BJ's because I was halfway there at that point and I was running on empty. Then I stopped by Giant to get prune juice for my IBS and stopped in at State Farm. It turned out, though, that I guess I didn't have enough money in my credit card account to pay 3 months. At least I have till Oct. 16 to pay. I feel like I'm just not keeping up with expenses and I've been starting to cut back on things like supplements that I know work for me. It's just a vicious circle.
I haven't had time to really go through the medical records I got from the one doctor, but in just quickly glancing through them I see that last time I saw him he noted that my voice was raspy, which I've been noticing too and asked my physical therapist if she noticed anything, and she said it sounded almost like I'm sick or something, and I don't have a cold or sore throat. So that's one more issue to address. Sometimes it's hard to know which symptoms are important and which are just trivial, especially when there are so many health things going on.
The issue with the allergy doctor is a big set back in the sense that this doctor was starting to believe me that I did have a serious allergy (He wanted me back in just 1 week, for example). But I'm becoming more and more convinced that the problem is dust mite allergy and it seemed like he was more inclined to think it was the Lyrica which can cause these kinds of symptoms. But my physiatrist agrees with me that I've been on Lyrica too long with no problems so she doesn't think that's it. Last week, I did see a new allergy doctor who takes both of my insurances. He didn't see me at my worst though, as I'd started back on my medicines already. He said that sometimes these things wear off, so I should see him again in a month or 6 weeks and try to wean myself off some of the medicines to see what happens. So I'll be sure to do that before I see him, so he can see me how I am without the 3 allergy medicines.
I don't think it's going to wear off, but I do think that if it's the dust mites my bedroom is just a perfect incubator for them and it's an uphill battle fighting it, especially when I don't feel that well anyway. What I mean by being a perfect incubator for the dust mites is that the bedroom has carpeting and also my tiny closet doesn't fit all my clothes, so I have some hanging up, although I've been working at decreasing that and when I have some extra money (!!) I'd like to get garment bags for the rest, which would hopefully contain that part of the problem a bit. Today I found a dust mite cover at BJs for my box springs, so now my whole bed plus pillows will be covered. I'd been looking for these there, as that's where I got the other ones too, but I hadn't seen the right size until today. I really couldn't afford it, but I do know it's helped and as far as these things go it's not a big expenditure.
I'm really wiped out after that big day, but I just made roasted cauliflower, which made the smoke alarms in my apartment go off. The overhead fan above the stove doesn't work. Nothing was burning and it didn't even smell like burning, but I got out a little fan and opened the door until I finished. I think it got all the neighbors out though; I apologized for the noise, but they were understanding.
So now, for a quick health round up, I am having continuing allergic reactions, my IBS is acting up, I'm having weakness in the legs still (reminiscent of the kind of weakness I had before my back surgery a couple years ago), and I'm having a hoarse voice too. I think that's it, at least for the main things. I made an appointment with my primary care physician again.
***
On another front, I got a call from Mom tonight. She wanted my address because her aunt wants to give me an my brothers (and other relatives, mom included) some early monies from her will, probably next year some time. I told mom that the reason I hadn't given her my address was because I was sick of them using the money issue manipulatively and I don't want anything from them. If she wants to give me a Christmas gift, fine, but nothing else. I don't care how bad off it gets for me, I've learned too much from this family that getting help from them always has strings attached. I made sure she understood that before I gave her my address. She promised not to give it to my brothers though.
I'd like to say a little more about this family thing and money. Last February, when I had my 50th birthday, mom didn't even call. Now she didn't have my address here so she couldn't have sent me anything if she wanted. But she could at least have called, because my phone number (and e-mail too) were unchanged. She doesn't use e-mail though. I believe that the reason she didn't call was because she uses money in a manipulative way and if there was no way she could send me a gift and she just called, she would not be in a superior powerful position vis a vis me, and she will not accept that in a relationship with me. In a sense, sadly enough, it comes across to me that the only thing she has to offer this family is money. From my standpoint, I'd be glad to get the money issue out of the way. I think I mentioned earlier on this blog, though, that my family doesn't know how to have egalitarian relationships and this is one example of that. I'm sure we'll come across lots of others along the way as I go along in this blog.
The other thing I'd like to mention about that phone call is our brief discussion about vegetables. We discussed the vegetables we were both going to prepare tonight and she mentioned that all of the family likes our vegetables. I mentioned that I didn't think Rich did so much, and she immediately disagreed that it was because of his 2 boys that he couldn't eat different vegetables. I told her that my experience last summer was that he used his sons as a crutch when he himself is actually pretty picky and he can be pretty forceful in his preferences too. She didn't agree with me, but I told her that I personally experienced some of his put downs in this regard and said that I felt sorry for his boys if they experienced some of this kind of thing too, which I am all but 100% sure they do. She said the boys are doing fine and there's no problem there. End of conversation.
I really can't stand my family. Mom's going to do everything in her power, I think to try to bring us all together again, and if it looks at all like I might gain some strength they'll be only too willing to declare me crazy. And remember, when it happens, you heard it here first.
One example of how this could transpire is if I get really sick and mom goes in emergency savior mode and can't contain her desire to have everyone concerned about me, such as by means of furtive prayer requests on my behalf. Then if the family is not involved in saving me from what is clearly something not of my own making they would look bad and that is unacceptable. And to reject their assistance is surely a sign of craziness, because who in their right mind would reject assistance from family members?
***
Even though this is all dealing with the present, when I get back to dealing with the historical events, hopefully these things will help you understand some of what went on earlier.
I started out at the Vocational Rehabilitation office where I was supposed to sign my work agreement. I updated the social worker on my health condition and we agreed to stall a bit, but signed it with that caveat. Hopefully it won't be too much longer before I can work again.
Then from there I had physical therapy, but I had to try to get medical records, especially lab reports, from a couple of doctor's offices near where my physical therapy is. The first office actually handles medical records at another site, so they're mailing them to me. The second place gave them to me, but I was late to physical therapy by that time, so I came back after p/t to pick them up.
After p/t I quickly grabbed a sandwich for lunch (to eat in the car) and then swung by to get the second set of medical records. Then I headed to my allergy doctor appointment. My face was pretty swollen again this morning, but as the day wore on it subsided.
I got to the appointment and the gal at the front desk put me on the phone with the person (someone different from who I talked to when I called from home) who is in charge of insurance for them, and basically it became clear that they were always going to require a co-pay from me ($30 per doctor visit). So with that new and apparently final information, I told them that I couldn't continue there in that case because I couldn't afford the co-pays, especially if there were going to be frequent appointments, which it was looking like was going to be the case.
Then I went to BJ's because I was halfway there at that point and I was running on empty. Then I stopped by Giant to get prune juice for my IBS and stopped in at State Farm. It turned out, though, that I guess I didn't have enough money in my credit card account to pay 3 months. At least I have till Oct. 16 to pay. I feel like I'm just not keeping up with expenses and I've been starting to cut back on things like supplements that I know work for me. It's just a vicious circle.
I haven't had time to really go through the medical records I got from the one doctor, but in just quickly glancing through them I see that last time I saw him he noted that my voice was raspy, which I've been noticing too and asked my physical therapist if she noticed anything, and she said it sounded almost like I'm sick or something, and I don't have a cold or sore throat. So that's one more issue to address. Sometimes it's hard to know which symptoms are important and which are just trivial, especially when there are so many health things going on.
The issue with the allergy doctor is a big set back in the sense that this doctor was starting to believe me that I did have a serious allergy (He wanted me back in just 1 week, for example). But I'm becoming more and more convinced that the problem is dust mite allergy and it seemed like he was more inclined to think it was the Lyrica which can cause these kinds of symptoms. But my physiatrist agrees with me that I've been on Lyrica too long with no problems so she doesn't think that's it. Last week, I did see a new allergy doctor who takes both of my insurances. He didn't see me at my worst though, as I'd started back on my medicines already. He said that sometimes these things wear off, so I should see him again in a month or 6 weeks and try to wean myself off some of the medicines to see what happens. So I'll be sure to do that before I see him, so he can see me how I am without the 3 allergy medicines.
I don't think it's going to wear off, but I do think that if it's the dust mites my bedroom is just a perfect incubator for them and it's an uphill battle fighting it, especially when I don't feel that well anyway. What I mean by being a perfect incubator for the dust mites is that the bedroom has carpeting and also my tiny closet doesn't fit all my clothes, so I have some hanging up, although I've been working at decreasing that and when I have some extra money (!!) I'd like to get garment bags for the rest, which would hopefully contain that part of the problem a bit. Today I found a dust mite cover at BJs for my box springs, so now my whole bed plus pillows will be covered. I'd been looking for these there, as that's where I got the other ones too, but I hadn't seen the right size until today. I really couldn't afford it, but I do know it's helped and as far as these things go it's not a big expenditure.
I'm really wiped out after that big day, but I just made roasted cauliflower, which made the smoke alarms in my apartment go off. The overhead fan above the stove doesn't work. Nothing was burning and it didn't even smell like burning, but I got out a little fan and opened the door until I finished. I think it got all the neighbors out though; I apologized for the noise, but they were understanding.
So now, for a quick health round up, I am having continuing allergic reactions, my IBS is acting up, I'm having weakness in the legs still (reminiscent of the kind of weakness I had before my back surgery a couple years ago), and I'm having a hoarse voice too. I think that's it, at least for the main things. I made an appointment with my primary care physician again.
***
On another front, I got a call from Mom tonight. She wanted my address because her aunt wants to give me an my brothers (and other relatives, mom included) some early monies from her will, probably next year some time. I told mom that the reason I hadn't given her my address was because I was sick of them using the money issue manipulatively and I don't want anything from them. If she wants to give me a Christmas gift, fine, but nothing else. I don't care how bad off it gets for me, I've learned too much from this family that getting help from them always has strings attached. I made sure she understood that before I gave her my address. She promised not to give it to my brothers though.
I'd like to say a little more about this family thing and money. Last February, when I had my 50th birthday, mom didn't even call. Now she didn't have my address here so she couldn't have sent me anything if she wanted. But she could at least have called, because my phone number (and e-mail too) were unchanged. She doesn't use e-mail though. I believe that the reason she didn't call was because she uses money in a manipulative way and if there was no way she could send me a gift and she just called, she would not be in a superior powerful position vis a vis me, and she will not accept that in a relationship with me. In a sense, sadly enough, it comes across to me that the only thing she has to offer this family is money. From my standpoint, I'd be glad to get the money issue out of the way. I think I mentioned earlier on this blog, though, that my family doesn't know how to have egalitarian relationships and this is one example of that. I'm sure we'll come across lots of others along the way as I go along in this blog.
The other thing I'd like to mention about that phone call is our brief discussion about vegetables. We discussed the vegetables we were both going to prepare tonight and she mentioned that all of the family likes our vegetables. I mentioned that I didn't think Rich did so much, and she immediately disagreed that it was because of his 2 boys that he couldn't eat different vegetables. I told her that my experience last summer was that he used his sons as a crutch when he himself is actually pretty picky and he can be pretty forceful in his preferences too. She didn't agree with me, but I told her that I personally experienced some of his put downs in this regard and said that I felt sorry for his boys if they experienced some of this kind of thing too, which I am all but 100% sure they do. She said the boys are doing fine and there's no problem there. End of conversation.
I really can't stand my family. Mom's going to do everything in her power, I think to try to bring us all together again, and if it looks at all like I might gain some strength they'll be only too willing to declare me crazy. And remember, when it happens, you heard it here first.
One example of how this could transpire is if I get really sick and mom goes in emergency savior mode and can't contain her desire to have everyone concerned about me, such as by means of furtive prayer requests on my behalf. Then if the family is not involved in saving me from what is clearly something not of my own making they would look bad and that is unacceptable. And to reject their assistance is surely a sign of craziness, because who in their right mind would reject assistance from family members?
***
Even though this is all dealing with the present, when I get back to dealing with the historical events, hopefully these things will help you understand some of what went on earlier.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
110. Allergy Evidence
Seeing is believing right? Well, not always, as it turns out. That is, seeing can be thought of as very subjective, as in "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". And if you happen to be the biblical disciple Thomas, seeing might not be enough either, and you might have to actually touch Jesus' hands in order to believe that it was really Him risen from the dead.
I don't know what your persuasion is or your level of skepticism in general or regarding specific things, but here are a couple images to demonstrate my allergy symptoms.
My face, in the first picture, is fairly puffy. Can you tell? It's puffier now than it was earlier today and my lips are more swollen too. I don't know why it's worse now, though.
The second image shows what remains of the rash on my upper chest. Believe me, it was way more raised than it is now and now it's hardly itchy at all. However, I think that the rash is part of the heat sensitivity that I've had in conjunction with this allergy reaction (to what we don't know). Can you see that it's fairly red and there are little bumps? It was really raised when this first came on, and also spread out farther than it is now.
I'm taking 4 allergy medicines right now and it's still this bad. Can you imagine what it would be like without the medicines? I sure hope we can get to the bottom of this.
In any case, I seem to be feeling better overall since I got back on my allergy medicines a couple days ago. I actually did some browsing in stores today and some pilates exercises this evening. I really have to exercise because my fibromyalgia is getting more achy, which it does when I don't exercise enough. It was hard to exercise while I was feeling so badly being off the allergy medicines. At least I'm encouraged that maybe the weakness is connected with the allergy. My current theory/working hypothesis is that the allergy is causing inflammation and maybe that includes inflammation of nerves or something that is causing the weakness.
Sorry that these pictures are not very attractive (!). These really aren't very flattering pictures of me.
That's it for tonight I think...
~ Meg
I don't know what your persuasion is or your level of skepticism in general or regarding specific things, but here are a couple images to demonstrate my allergy symptoms.
My face, in the first picture, is fairly puffy. Can you tell? It's puffier now than it was earlier today and my lips are more swollen too. I don't know why it's worse now, though.
The second image shows what remains of the rash on my upper chest. Believe me, it was way more raised than it is now and now it's hardly itchy at all. However, I think that the rash is part of the heat sensitivity that I've had in conjunction with this allergy reaction (to what we don't know). Can you see that it's fairly red and there are little bumps? It was really raised when this first came on, and also spread out farther than it is now.
I'm taking 4 allergy medicines right now and it's still this bad. Can you imagine what it would be like without the medicines? I sure hope we can get to the bottom of this.
In any case, I seem to be feeling better overall since I got back on my allergy medicines a couple days ago. I actually did some browsing in stores today and some pilates exercises this evening. I really have to exercise because my fibromyalgia is getting more achy, which it does when I don't exercise enough. It was hard to exercise while I was feeling so badly being off the allergy medicines. At least I'm encouraged that maybe the weakness is connected with the allergy. My current theory/working hypothesis is that the allergy is causing inflammation and maybe that includes inflammation of nerves or something that is causing the weakness.
Sorry that these pictures are not very attractive (!). These really aren't very flattering pictures of me.
That's it for tonight I think...
~ Meg
Monday, September 13, 2010
109. Phew! One Ordeal Survived...
The past few days, being off the ranatadine were pretty bad. My face was swollen, the rash came back (albeit much less than originally, at the onset of all this), and I had very poor heat tolerance, which affected my sleep. I'm saying all this in past tense, although I'm not completely recovered yet.
After my appointment with the allergy doctor this afternoon I could resume all my allergy medicines, plus another one he's prescribing but my insurance doesn't want to cover. So far I've just taken my dinner-time ranatadine, but my facial swelling is already greatly decreased. Maybe tomorrow night I'll be able to sleep with the CPAP again.
The allergy doctor didn't seem sure what caused this, but he suggested that Lyrica, which I take for fibromyalgia, can cause some of these symptoms. He talked about maybe me having to get off of it for a couple weeks to see if that helped my symptoms. Of course, this alarmed me because if I get off Lyrica there are not a lot of options regarding what to replace it with, and most of them I already know I can't take. Savella is the only one we discussed that I haven't tried and don't know how I'd tolerate it and/or how effective it would be for me. Just being off Lyrica for 2 weeks would probably have effects that would go a lot longer than 2 weeks because it very likely would trigger a fibro flare. But I don't know for sure yet, that I'll have to get off the Lyrica.
The other thing that is really troubling is this weakness I've developed in the past couple weeks. I am hoping that if we can get this allergy thing taken care of that will also resolve itself, since it started shortly after the allergy symptoms started. But I haven't heard anyone say that weakness is particularly a symptom of allergy, or fibromyalgia, for that matter. My primary care doctor wanted to x-ray my back to see if there's anything going on there. Just what I need, another health problem. Isn't it enough that I have an allergy problem? Evidently not. Anyway, as I resume my allergy medicine and those symptoms subside, if the weakness doesn't also diminish, then I guess I'll have to accept the real possibility that that's something different going on.
As you can guess, I haven't been able to look at any of my life history materials. It's all I can do to deal with the present, including financial and (car and health) insurance problems too.
I haven't done a lot of cooking either, except to make tortillas for the fajita fillings I'd made and last night I made a recipe for cantaloupe muffins. I tried a new tortilla recipe and I liked it a lot. The muffin recipe was a bit of a disappointment though. I mean they tasted okay but I think there was too much fat content in them, they were hard to get out of the pan, and you couldn't really even taste the cantaloupe in them. Because of the novelty of cantaloupe muffins, I could be tempted to make the recipe again, but there are so many changes I'd make that it would almost be easier to use a different recipe altogether and tweak it to use cantaloupe puree for the liquid. I had some mixed dried peaches and cantaloupe (from last year's dehydrating) so I added those in and that was a nice addition. The tortillas required no tweaking.
~ Meg
After my appointment with the allergy doctor this afternoon I could resume all my allergy medicines, plus another one he's prescribing but my insurance doesn't want to cover. So far I've just taken my dinner-time ranatadine, but my facial swelling is already greatly decreased. Maybe tomorrow night I'll be able to sleep with the CPAP again.
The allergy doctor didn't seem sure what caused this, but he suggested that Lyrica, which I take for fibromyalgia, can cause some of these symptoms. He talked about maybe me having to get off of it for a couple weeks to see if that helped my symptoms. Of course, this alarmed me because if I get off Lyrica there are not a lot of options regarding what to replace it with, and most of them I already know I can't take. Savella is the only one we discussed that I haven't tried and don't know how I'd tolerate it and/or how effective it would be for me. Just being off Lyrica for 2 weeks would probably have effects that would go a lot longer than 2 weeks because it very likely would trigger a fibro flare. But I don't know for sure yet, that I'll have to get off the Lyrica.
The other thing that is really troubling is this weakness I've developed in the past couple weeks. I am hoping that if we can get this allergy thing taken care of that will also resolve itself, since it started shortly after the allergy symptoms started. But I haven't heard anyone say that weakness is particularly a symptom of allergy, or fibromyalgia, for that matter. My primary care doctor wanted to x-ray my back to see if there's anything going on there. Just what I need, another health problem. Isn't it enough that I have an allergy problem? Evidently not. Anyway, as I resume my allergy medicine and those symptoms subside, if the weakness doesn't also diminish, then I guess I'll have to accept the real possibility that that's something different going on.
As you can guess, I haven't been able to look at any of my life history materials. It's all I can do to deal with the present, including financial and (car and health) insurance problems too.
I haven't done a lot of cooking either, except to make tortillas for the fajita fillings I'd made and last night I made a recipe for cantaloupe muffins. I tried a new tortilla recipe and I liked it a lot. The muffin recipe was a bit of a disappointment though. I mean they tasted okay but I think there was too much fat content in them, they were hard to get out of the pan, and you couldn't really even taste the cantaloupe in them. Because of the novelty of cantaloupe muffins, I could be tempted to make the recipe again, but there are so many changes I'd make that it would almost be easier to use a different recipe altogether and tweak it to use cantaloupe puree for the liquid. I had some mixed dried peaches and cantaloupe (from last year's dehydrating) so I added those in and that was a nice addition. The tortillas required no tweaking.
~ Meg
Thursday, September 9, 2010
108. More Health, More Food
I'd rather talk about food than health.
Here are a couple pictures of the pirog from my last post, with some matryoshki (nesting dolls) in one of them.
One of the recipes I used for my corn on the cob was taken from a culinary magazine I used to pick up sometimes when I lived in Austria, but I didn't note the name of the magazine when I cut out the recipe. This recipe is "Mais-Scheibchen auf Dillsahne." Of course, the dill caught my eye immediately, because my dill plant needs using. I had never made, nor eaten cut up corn on the cob, but I found that it really does work pretty well. The corn on the cob is simmered and then cut into 1 to 2 inch pieces and served with a sauce, in this case a dill cream sauce. Using a sharp knife, it was actually pretty easy to cut the corn off the cob piece, and so to have corn on the cob without resorting to it being a finger food. Very nice.
I had recently bought some steak on a 2 for 1 sale, and I wanted to make fajitas, but I decided to try to use things I had on hand, so I used more of the corn, and some other things for the filling and marinated the steak and fried it today. So I'll be freezing that up in portions for meals later on.
I still have one cantaloupe to prepare and I was half thinking to just cut it up and freeze it for use in future smoothies, but I came across a recipe for cantaloupe muffins, which sound intriguing.
I've also been trying to deal with this car insurance thing, because my 6 month premium is due and they raised the rates (across the board), so I'm working with them to figure out how to bring it down, I may have to drive to the agent's office tomorrow because mileage is one of the possibilities, but I'll find out for sure tomorrow. I also need to work with Medicaid regarding some issues, but I've had to put that on a back burner for now as I'm limited on how much I can do at one time.
Regarding health, which is why I'm so limited on how much I can do, I'm going through a bit of a time now that I'm off of all my antihistimine medications. My face is still puffy and my rash appears to be coming back, but it's not bad yet. I have almost 3 days more to go of this though until I can get back on the antihistimines. My weakness is also increasing and I decided to use a cane to go to the doctor today because I'd have a bit of walking to do between the car and the office. The rheumatologist yesterday said that the weakness I'm having is not from fibromyalgia, but he thinks it's neurological, so he said he'd talk to my neurologist. Today when I saw my primary care doctor (she's now back from her personal leave) and she suggested getting an x-ray of my spine since I have a history of that (had back surgery). We decided to wait and see how things went with the physical therapy and also if I improve again after returning to the antihistimines. I hope it'll just resolve itself after I get over this allergy thing, but I'm sure that the weakness problem is unusual for just allergies.
Today in going over my medicines and supplements with the nurse I remembered that I had some lidoderm patches for use when I have fibromyalgia flares, so I decided to make use of them now since I'm having extra pain in the neck and upper back. It's amazing really how once you get multiple conditions they all feed on each other and limitations are just compounded and magnified. Even my IBS acting up means I have put forth some effort to keep that part of my body functioning okay. On days like today I feel like I'm 80, but I'm really just 50 and when I'm doing okay people usually think I'm much younger than I am. Not today, though.
I must admit that it would be nice to have more of a support network in times like that. It's been nice that people in the church here have asked how I'm doing, either by phone or e-mail, which is nice, especially since they don't know me that well even. But I think too of my nor fairly estranged family. I'd like to call mom, and I know she's going through her issues too, but I'm afraid that it's a bit of a power play where whoever gives in first loses the power battle, and she and my brothers are betting on my just letting things blow over and eventually needing them and giving in, especially about what happened prior to my coming back here. But I've learned that in this family given half a chance and a reason for doing so, they'll quite gladly dredge up things from the past, almost like a kind of emotional blackmail. I don't think in my family (siblings, mom) it's possible to have egalitarian relationships; one person always has to be on top and the other on the losing end of a relationship.
Now I know that ours isn't the only dysfunctional family around, but I want to believe that somewhere out there there are fairly "normal" families. I'm also curious about what psychologists and family counselors have to say about that. I mean, certainly the/a purpose of family counseling is to develop healthy family relationships, so there must be an assumption that it's possible to have a family with healthy relationships. Unless, of course, psychologists just want us to believe that this is possible, when all the while they themselves don't believe that it is. Somehow I find it hard to believe that there is such a professional conspiracy, which means that they must think that it's indeed realistically possible to have healthy functioning families. Okay, all you psychologist types out there, what does a healthy, functioning family look like?
I'm tired, so I'm going to start my bedtime routine. Good night?
~Meg
Here are a couple pictures of the pirog from my last post, with some matryoshki (nesting dolls) in one of them.
One of the recipes I used for my corn on the cob was taken from a culinary magazine I used to pick up sometimes when I lived in Austria, but I didn't note the name of the magazine when I cut out the recipe. This recipe is "Mais-Scheibchen auf Dillsahne." Of course, the dill caught my eye immediately, because my dill plant needs using. I had never made, nor eaten cut up corn on the cob, but I found that it really does work pretty well. The corn on the cob is simmered and then cut into 1 to 2 inch pieces and served with a sauce, in this case a dill cream sauce. Using a sharp knife, it was actually pretty easy to cut the corn off the cob piece, and so to have corn on the cob without resorting to it being a finger food. Very nice.
I had recently bought some steak on a 2 for 1 sale, and I wanted to make fajitas, but I decided to try to use things I had on hand, so I used more of the corn, and some other things for the filling and marinated the steak and fried it today. So I'll be freezing that up in portions for meals later on.
I still have one cantaloupe to prepare and I was half thinking to just cut it up and freeze it for use in future smoothies, but I came across a recipe for cantaloupe muffins, which sound intriguing.
I've also been trying to deal with this car insurance thing, because my 6 month premium is due and they raised the rates (across the board), so I'm working with them to figure out how to bring it down, I may have to drive to the agent's office tomorrow because mileage is one of the possibilities, but I'll find out for sure tomorrow. I also need to work with Medicaid regarding some issues, but I've had to put that on a back burner for now as I'm limited on how much I can do at one time.
Regarding health, which is why I'm so limited on how much I can do, I'm going through a bit of a time now that I'm off of all my antihistimine medications. My face is still puffy and my rash appears to be coming back, but it's not bad yet. I have almost 3 days more to go of this though until I can get back on the antihistimines. My weakness is also increasing and I decided to use a cane to go to the doctor today because I'd have a bit of walking to do between the car and the office. The rheumatologist yesterday said that the weakness I'm having is not from fibromyalgia, but he thinks it's neurological, so he said he'd talk to my neurologist. Today when I saw my primary care doctor (she's now back from her personal leave) and she suggested getting an x-ray of my spine since I have a history of that (had back surgery). We decided to wait and see how things went with the physical therapy and also if I improve again after returning to the antihistimines. I hope it'll just resolve itself after I get over this allergy thing, but I'm sure that the weakness problem is unusual for just allergies.
Today in going over my medicines and supplements with the nurse I remembered that I had some lidoderm patches for use when I have fibromyalgia flares, so I decided to make use of them now since I'm having extra pain in the neck and upper back. It's amazing really how once you get multiple conditions they all feed on each other and limitations are just compounded and magnified. Even my IBS acting up means I have put forth some effort to keep that part of my body functioning okay. On days like today I feel like I'm 80, but I'm really just 50 and when I'm doing okay people usually think I'm much younger than I am. Not today, though.
I must admit that it would be nice to have more of a support network in times like that. It's been nice that people in the church here have asked how I'm doing, either by phone or e-mail, which is nice, especially since they don't know me that well even. But I think too of my nor fairly estranged family. I'd like to call mom, and I know she's going through her issues too, but I'm afraid that it's a bit of a power play where whoever gives in first loses the power battle, and she and my brothers are betting on my just letting things blow over and eventually needing them and giving in, especially about what happened prior to my coming back here. But I've learned that in this family given half a chance and a reason for doing so, they'll quite gladly dredge up things from the past, almost like a kind of emotional blackmail. I don't think in my family (siblings, mom) it's possible to have egalitarian relationships; one person always has to be on top and the other on the losing end of a relationship.
Now I know that ours isn't the only dysfunctional family around, but I want to believe that somewhere out there there are fairly "normal" families. I'm also curious about what psychologists and family counselors have to say about that. I mean, certainly the/a purpose of family counseling is to develop healthy family relationships, so there must be an assumption that it's possible to have a family with healthy relationships. Unless, of course, psychologists just want us to believe that this is possible, when all the while they themselves don't believe that it is. Somehow I find it hard to believe that there is such a professional conspiracy, which means that they must think that it's indeed realistically possible to have healthy functioning families. Okay, all you psychologist types out there, what does a healthy, functioning family look like?
I'm tired, so I'm going to start my bedtime routine. Good night?
~Meg
Monday, September 6, 2010
107. Keeping Busy
I skipped a couple days because 1) I didn't start this blog to be a current events diary and 2) I've been busy ("busy" by my standards, considering my health limitations).
I still have the swollen face and my jaw, neck and upper back have been giving me a lot of pain. I suspect it's the fibromyalgia reacting to this new health condition, whatever it is. I tried a few different things and I was surprised to find out that the most effective treatment for this new pain was wearing this halter-like contraption that pulls your shoulders back gently (for good posture). So I've been wearing that pretty much all the time I'm up and about (except for in the shower or using the stimulator). I wish all ailments had such simple remedies, although this isn't exactly a remedy because it doesn't cure anything.
Anyway, as is my habit, in the face of adversity I try to find something constructive to keep me busy. So I've been busy, in a self-imposed way.
Saturday was my usual laundry day (I have to religiously keep to this for my dust mite control efforts). I often add extra things to my laundry regime, such as last week washing the shower curtain. This week it was cleaning all the dust mite control covers over my pillow cases and mattress (I don't have one for the box springs, although I should).
This was a major undertaking for me, especially the mattress part, and I have a memory foam topper too. So I had the matterss and the topper off the box springs and did my vacuum and spray routine on as much of their surfaces as I could do (I didn't take the box springs off to do the underside of it). How that works is you vacuum a surface and then spray it with a dust mite spray (either one that kills the dust mites or one that their particles cling to which aids in vacuuming them up). After spraying you have to wait for the surface to dry and then vacuum it again. Considering I couldn't do all the surfaces at once, this took a lot of time, not to mention the drain on my strength and energy. I was up too late doing this and so I didn't make it to church the next morning.
Yesterday and today I've been busy cooking, although yesterday I also ironed and I need to take care of some business things today too. Yesterday I baked a corn pie and also made canteloupe gelato, that I think is actually more like canteloupe sorbet, but it's very good in either case. The corn pie also came out well, and allowed me to use some dill from my garden too. I started on the cake part for the cake balls too.
Today I baked the cake and also made the plum filling for the cake balls. I only needed half of the plum filling, though, so I froze the rest for some other use later on. Right now the cake balls are mostly in the freezer, although some couldn't fit on the tray and are in the fridge. I still need to coat them in candy coating. But I also made a mushroom pirog, which I want to share with you here.
The bottom picture is from the cover of the recipe book. According to the title page and the page facing it, this is book 1 of a 6 book set titled "Encyclopedia of Home Economics". This book is titled "Potatoes and Mushrooms: 1000 Culinary Recipes". I don't have the other 5 books, and I don't know what they are.
The last 2 or 3 years I was in Russia I did a fair amount of mushroom picking, and I'll talk about that more when I get to that period of my life in the chronology, so mushrooms have a bit of significance to me. But even growing up we picked shaggy manes in British Columbia when we visited my mom's family.
The beginning of the mushroom part of this book gives a listing of several different mushroom types. One time I went mushroom picking there was a lady with us who seemed to know every single mushroom we came across, including some I'd never seen before, so this list is very incomplete. The ones we mostly found, though were "beliye gribi" (a prized type), "maslyata", "volnushki" and "gruzdi". The maslyata were best in soups or sauteed with mushrooms.
Now here in the States it seems like we're impoverished regarding mushroom selection (and also berries too). I just used regular button mushrooms for my pirog, but I'm sure beliye gribi would have ramped up the yum factor quite a bit. Nevertheless, given my mushroom disadvantage, I think I came out with a pretty decent pirog that my Russian friends would approve of.
Here's the recipe in English (the Russian version is in the picture above):
Pirog with Fresh Mushrooms
Mix the yeast dough, letting it rise twice. Then roll it out no thicker than 1 cm. In the center put the fresh mushroom filling, which has been fried with onion and seasoned with salt and pepper. Fold one end of the dough over and seal it. Brush the dough with an egg wash, put it in a warm place [to rise] and then bake in the preheated oven.
For the filling:
300 g. fresh mushrooms
1 to 2 onions
3 to 4 tablespoons of vegetable oil or butter
salt and pepper, to taste
For the dough:
1/2 cup warm milk
15 to 20 g. yeast
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 to 2 eggs
100 to 200 g. margarine
2 to 3 cups flour
Here's my version of the instructions:
I used 1 large onion and somewhat more mushrooms than called for, and I ground them together in a meat grinder. I used some excess liquid created in this process to mix with powdered milk and used that to mix with the yeast instead of the plain warm milk.
I did not saute the mushroom filling, but I did drain it from excess liquid. I wanted it moist, but not too wet. I probably used about 1 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon of pepper.
For the dough, I mixed the warm (ca. 110 degrees F) mushroom liquid/dry milk with the yeast (1 packet) and the salt, along with about 1 teaspoon sugar (to help activate the yeast) and let them sit for about 15 minutes to begin the yeast activation process. I also added a bit of thyme and oregano from my garden to the batter after the yeast fermented.
Then I mixed in 1 egg and 1/3 cup olive oil with the whisk attachment to my electric hand mixer. I continued to use the whisk while adding the flour until the dough became too thick, at which time I switched to using a wooden spoon. I used about 2 1/2 cups of flour altogether.
I started kneading it a bit, but it didn't seem to need it. I ended with a fairly soft, but not sticky, dough. I divided the dough in 2 and rolled them both out. The first one I put on a 10 1/2" by 15" rimmed pan and I covered them both with clean clothes and let them rise for about 40 minutes. The dough was pretty easy to work with, and I would just spread it with my fingers to reach to the edges and even out the thickness. This size pan seems to be about right.
After letting the dough rise I spread the filling up to within about an inch of the edges and then laid the other piece of rolled out dough on top. I pinched the edges to seal them, and they stayed sealed pretty easily (which is more than can be said for a lot of doughs!).
I baked the pirog at 375 degrees F for 20 minutes and it came out just perfect!
One thing I will say about the pan is that the pan I chose has a sort of ridged bottom which allows for better baking of bottom crusts in this kind of situation.
I've found that Russian cook books leave a lot of steps to the user, assuming that they have knowledge of how to do the details. So I guess Russian cooks are more astute, considering the great detail in American cookbooks.
Anyway, this came out very well and if you want to try it, this is for sure a genuine Russian recipe. One of my Russian friends made one like this but with a freshwater salmon from Lake Baikal (I lived about an hour or so flight north of Lake Baikal). She just put salmon pieces and slices of onion in it. She may have seasoned it, though, but that was it. It didn't need anything else, though, as it was very yummy as it was. So this would be another adaptation you could make with this recipe.
***
That's all for now. I have a lot of dishes to do, I'd like to finish the cake balls, I need to freeze some of this food I'm making, and I need to look at some business things (bills and the like). My finances are not very good. After I pay my car insurance, I have $30 dollars to carry me through the month and I still have other bills. It's really discouraging, but I try not to think about it too much because that's the kind of thing that could give me a fibro flare. I just do what I can, which ends out being just sort of surviving, hanging on by a thread. But I am surviving and if nothing else, I'm going to eat well.
I'm sure your Labor Day weekend was more interesting than mine, but I've learned to take pleasure in the little things as well as the more momentous ones.
~ Meg
I still have the swollen face and my jaw, neck and upper back have been giving me a lot of pain. I suspect it's the fibromyalgia reacting to this new health condition, whatever it is. I tried a few different things and I was surprised to find out that the most effective treatment for this new pain was wearing this halter-like contraption that pulls your shoulders back gently (for good posture). So I've been wearing that pretty much all the time I'm up and about (except for in the shower or using the stimulator). I wish all ailments had such simple remedies, although this isn't exactly a remedy because it doesn't cure anything.
Anyway, as is my habit, in the face of adversity I try to find something constructive to keep me busy. So I've been busy, in a self-imposed way.
Saturday was my usual laundry day (I have to religiously keep to this for my dust mite control efforts). I often add extra things to my laundry regime, such as last week washing the shower curtain. This week it was cleaning all the dust mite control covers over my pillow cases and mattress (I don't have one for the box springs, although I should).
This was a major undertaking for me, especially the mattress part, and I have a memory foam topper too. So I had the matterss and the topper off the box springs and did my vacuum and spray routine on as much of their surfaces as I could do (I didn't take the box springs off to do the underside of it). How that works is you vacuum a surface and then spray it with a dust mite spray (either one that kills the dust mites or one that their particles cling to which aids in vacuuming them up). After spraying you have to wait for the surface to dry and then vacuum it again. Considering I couldn't do all the surfaces at once, this took a lot of time, not to mention the drain on my strength and energy. I was up too late doing this and so I didn't make it to church the next morning.
Yesterday and today I've been busy cooking, although yesterday I also ironed and I need to take care of some business things today too. Yesterday I baked a corn pie and also made canteloupe gelato, that I think is actually more like canteloupe sorbet, but it's very good in either case. The corn pie also came out well, and allowed me to use some dill from my garden too. I started on the cake part for the cake balls too.
Today I baked the cake and also made the plum filling for the cake balls. I only needed half of the plum filling, though, so I froze the rest for some other use later on. Right now the cake balls are mostly in the freezer, although some couldn't fit on the tray and are in the fridge. I still need to coat them in candy coating. But I also made a mushroom pirog, which I want to share with you here.
The bottom picture is from the cover of the recipe book. According to the title page and the page facing it, this is book 1 of a 6 book set titled "Encyclopedia of Home Economics". This book is titled "Potatoes and Mushrooms: 1000 Culinary Recipes". I don't have the other 5 books, and I don't know what they are.
The last 2 or 3 years I was in Russia I did a fair amount of mushroom picking, and I'll talk about that more when I get to that period of my life in the chronology, so mushrooms have a bit of significance to me. But even growing up we picked shaggy manes in British Columbia when we visited my mom's family.
The beginning of the mushroom part of this book gives a listing of several different mushroom types. One time I went mushroom picking there was a lady with us who seemed to know every single mushroom we came across, including some I'd never seen before, so this list is very incomplete. The ones we mostly found, though were "beliye gribi" (a prized type), "maslyata", "volnushki" and "gruzdi". The maslyata were best in soups or sauteed with mushrooms.
Now here in the States it seems like we're impoverished regarding mushroom selection (and also berries too). I just used regular button mushrooms for my pirog, but I'm sure beliye gribi would have ramped up the yum factor quite a bit. Nevertheless, given my mushroom disadvantage, I think I came out with a pretty decent pirog that my Russian friends would approve of.
Here's the recipe in English (the Russian version is in the picture above):
Pirog with Fresh Mushrooms
Mix the yeast dough, letting it rise twice. Then roll it out no thicker than 1 cm. In the center put the fresh mushroom filling, which has been fried with onion and seasoned with salt and pepper. Fold one end of the dough over and seal it. Brush the dough with an egg wash, put it in a warm place [to rise] and then bake in the preheated oven.
For the filling:
300 g. fresh mushrooms
1 to 2 onions
3 to 4 tablespoons of vegetable oil or butter
salt and pepper, to taste
For the dough:
1/2 cup warm milk
15 to 20 g. yeast
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 to 2 eggs
100 to 200 g. margarine
2 to 3 cups flour
Here's my version of the instructions:
I used 1 large onion and somewhat more mushrooms than called for, and I ground them together in a meat grinder. I used some excess liquid created in this process to mix with powdered milk and used that to mix with the yeast instead of the plain warm milk.
I did not saute the mushroom filling, but I did drain it from excess liquid. I wanted it moist, but not too wet. I probably used about 1 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon of pepper.
For the dough, I mixed the warm (ca. 110 degrees F) mushroom liquid/dry milk with the yeast (1 packet) and the salt, along with about 1 teaspoon sugar (to help activate the yeast) and let them sit for about 15 minutes to begin the yeast activation process. I also added a bit of thyme and oregano from my garden to the batter after the yeast fermented.
Then I mixed in 1 egg and 1/3 cup olive oil with the whisk attachment to my electric hand mixer. I continued to use the whisk while adding the flour until the dough became too thick, at which time I switched to using a wooden spoon. I used about 2 1/2 cups of flour altogether.
I started kneading it a bit, but it didn't seem to need it. I ended with a fairly soft, but not sticky, dough. I divided the dough in 2 and rolled them both out. The first one I put on a 10 1/2" by 15" rimmed pan and I covered them both with clean clothes and let them rise for about 40 minutes. The dough was pretty easy to work with, and I would just spread it with my fingers to reach to the edges and even out the thickness. This size pan seems to be about right.
After letting the dough rise I spread the filling up to within about an inch of the edges and then laid the other piece of rolled out dough on top. I pinched the edges to seal them, and they stayed sealed pretty easily (which is more than can be said for a lot of doughs!).
I baked the pirog at 375 degrees F for 20 minutes and it came out just perfect!
One thing I will say about the pan is that the pan I chose has a sort of ridged bottom which allows for better baking of bottom crusts in this kind of situation.
I've found that Russian cook books leave a lot of steps to the user, assuming that they have knowledge of how to do the details. So I guess Russian cooks are more astute, considering the great detail in American cookbooks.
Anyway, this came out very well and if you want to try it, this is for sure a genuine Russian recipe. One of my Russian friends made one like this but with a freshwater salmon from Lake Baikal (I lived about an hour or so flight north of Lake Baikal). She just put salmon pieces and slices of onion in it. She may have seasoned it, though, but that was it. It didn't need anything else, though, as it was very yummy as it was. So this would be another adaptation you could make with this recipe.
***
That's all for now. I have a lot of dishes to do, I'd like to finish the cake balls, I need to freeze some of this food I'm making, and I need to look at some business things (bills and the like). My finances are not very good. After I pay my car insurance, I have $30 dollars to carry me through the month and I still have other bills. It's really discouraging, but I try not to think about it too much because that's the kind of thing that could give me a fibro flare. I just do what I can, which ends out being just sort of surviving, hanging on by a thread. But I am surviving and if nothing else, I'm going to eat well.
I'm sure your Labor Day weekend was more interesting than mine, but I've learned to take pleasure in the little things as well as the more momentous ones.
~ Meg
Friday, September 3, 2010
106. Health, etc.
I actually felt a bit better today, although my face is still swollen. Maybe I'm getting used to it, but I'm not using the CPAP because of it, which isn't good either.
Yesterday at my doctor's appointment I said that if the bruising at the puncture points (where I had blood taken from for tests, for example) was a trend then the places where I'd had blood taken the day before should develop into bruises too. Well, lo and behold they are indeed developing into new bruise spots. I had to go in to have another blood test done for my Wed. rheumatologist appointment.
Other than paying rent and getting bloodwork done, I piddled around at home. The sweet potato salad I made yesterday is okay but nothing to get excited about. I got canteloupe and corn on the cob yesterday because they were on sale. Since tomorrow is laundry day and my washer/dryer takes up half the kitchen, including limiting access to the fridge (I can't open the door all the way when it's moved into the kitchen for laundry), I thought I'd better do some cooking today. I finished the sesame beef and broccoli stir fry yesterday, too, so I needed a new main dish. I made the mushroom "meat" balls, and they came out pretty good. So I've got the frozen marinara in defrosting and I'll use my homemade spinach linguine to go with it. I'm not vegetarian, but I sometimes have vegetarian main dishes.
For the canteloupe I'm making gelato. The sale on canteloupe was 2 for the price of 1, so I have 2 canteloupes and the gelato didn't quite use 1 (I froze the remainder of that canteloupe for use in smoothies). I have a couple other recipes to try with the other canteloupe. Right now I'm waiting for the simple syrup to cool down so I can add it to the canteloupe puree and then I'll chill it overnight before finishing the gelato. Fortunately, I'd bought All Whites with a coupon at BJs, but I froze all 4 cartons, so I have to defrost it now, as this recipe uses egg whites.
And since I had finished my silken tofu, which I was using in smoothies, and the All Whites was frozen (I didn't plan ahead on that one) I had to find a substitute for my evening smoothie, and I remembered that I'd recently come across smoothie recipes using avocado, and luckily for me, I bought 2 on sale, so I used one for my smoothie. I must say that the smoothie came out fine, although the color was a bit odd for a smoothie. But at least it's healthy and tastes good.
I hope I'm better soon so that I can get back to the main topic of this blog.
Yesterday at my doctor's appointment I said that if the bruising at the puncture points (where I had blood taken from for tests, for example) was a trend then the places where I'd had blood taken the day before should develop into bruises too. Well, lo and behold they are indeed developing into new bruise spots. I had to go in to have another blood test done for my Wed. rheumatologist appointment.
Other than paying rent and getting bloodwork done, I piddled around at home. The sweet potato salad I made yesterday is okay but nothing to get excited about. I got canteloupe and corn on the cob yesterday because they were on sale. Since tomorrow is laundry day and my washer/dryer takes up half the kitchen, including limiting access to the fridge (I can't open the door all the way when it's moved into the kitchen for laundry), I thought I'd better do some cooking today. I finished the sesame beef and broccoli stir fry yesterday, too, so I needed a new main dish. I made the mushroom "meat" balls, and they came out pretty good. So I've got the frozen marinara in defrosting and I'll use my homemade spinach linguine to go with it. I'm not vegetarian, but I sometimes have vegetarian main dishes.
For the canteloupe I'm making gelato. The sale on canteloupe was 2 for the price of 1, so I have 2 canteloupes and the gelato didn't quite use 1 (I froze the remainder of that canteloupe for use in smoothies). I have a couple other recipes to try with the other canteloupe. Right now I'm waiting for the simple syrup to cool down so I can add it to the canteloupe puree and then I'll chill it overnight before finishing the gelato. Fortunately, I'd bought All Whites with a coupon at BJs, but I froze all 4 cartons, so I have to defrost it now, as this recipe uses egg whites.
And since I had finished my silken tofu, which I was using in smoothies, and the All Whites was frozen (I didn't plan ahead on that one) I had to find a substitute for my evening smoothie, and I remembered that I'd recently come across smoothie recipes using avocado, and luckily for me, I bought 2 on sale, so I used one for my smoothie. I must say that the smoothie came out fine, although the color was a bit odd for a smoothie. But at least it's healthy and tastes good.
I hope I'm better soon so that I can get back to the main topic of this blog.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
105. Respite Continued
The more immediate crises I have, at least in the last couple years or so, the more I tend to sort of focus on the present, mainly because it's all I can do just to keep myself together, and I don't have energy left to think about the past or future (beyond the next day or week). It's what I call "being in survival mode". So that's where I am right now and until things change / settle down again, I'm not going to be able to focus on delving into my past.
I don't know what mom thought when I told her I'd been in e.r. I didn't call anyone in the family while in the crisis because I don't consider myself as having any emergency contacts any more. Her response was that she thought she should call me more.
Anyway, yesterday was indeed a very busy day, and somehow I managed to do everything I needed to, except I didn't get one of the detailed billing statements I'd hoped to get for August. I ended out figuring that I didn't have time after the blood work to come home and be back for my first appointment, so I made a breakfast sandwich to eat with my pills. I also packed a travel mug of hot coffee, but I hadn't used it in a long time and I guess it had somehow developed a leak, so I had to deal with that mess. Then I bought a cup of coffee later and I guess I didn't put the lid on well and it spilled when I was trying to drink it. Later in the day I must have forgotten to push down the knob on the top of my metal water bottle and it spilled in my bag too. So it was not a good day in the drink / spill department yesterday. That's what happens though when you're not feeling well, tired, and pushing yourself - you do a lot of dumb things. I don't think I'm the only one like that, so you might understand what I mean.
The first appointment should never have happened and the doctor even asked the registration people to cancel it so I wouldn't have to pay the co-pay. That was really nice of her. That was the infectious disease doctor, but I'm, thankfully, over the virus, so I didn't need to see her, but I forgot to cancel and when I got the reminder call about the appointment I figured I should at least go to it rather than be a no-show.
The other appointment was the neurologist, and he did find that I had some weakness when he tested me. He also referred me to a rheumatologist, actually the one I already go to for fibromyalgia, but I made an appointment for next week with him because of the new symptoms. He ordered more blood tests, too, and I was able to make it to LabCorp before they closed. I'd already been there earlier in the morning (for the fasting tests), so I didn't have to fill out all their paperwork again. Then I returned to the neurologist's to finish the discharge process and noticed that I had a third bruise, and I'd never been so prone to bruises before. It seems that they're appearing in all the spots where I've been pricked, including from last week's e.r. visit. So then I decided I wanted someone to check it out, and so I made an appointment with the primary care doctor again today and he agreed that it was a little unusual and worth noting.
I'm beginning to think that besides the allergy thing, there may also be lupus, which I imagine might be why the neurologist wants me to see the rheumatologist and why the dermatologist ordered the ANA test. In checking on line there are a few symptoms that could match lupus. The bruising is actually one of those symptoms, but another is hair loss, and not long ago I had requested my thyroid be checked (I had active Grave's until spring '07), but it came back normal. But hair loss and also weight loss (which I've also had recently) could also be lupus symptoms. I guess we'll see what the blood tests show.
Anyway, it might seem strange but yesterday after pushing myself to get everything done I was wiped out, but more in a mentally tired way than just physically, so when I got home I didn't really want to sit inside so I weeded grass from my neighbor's garden. It was a cool evening and it felt good to do that.
Today I had the one doctor's appointment and then worked a bit on bills, went grocery shopping and finally made the sweet potato salad. I had to go grocery shopping because I think I forgot I need the pepper for this recipe and used the original one I'd bought for something else. I did get to use my basil and chives in the salad though, which was nice.
When I was out grocery shopping I couldn't find the sour cherries I needed for the cake balls, although I did find frozen bing cherries and canned sweet cherries in heavy syrup. Both of those were on the expensive side, so I couldn't really justify spending that kind of money, so I'm going instead for chocolate-plum cake balls. That means I'll be adapting the recipes for the cake and filling accordingly.
My face is still puffy and feels tingly. You can have that tingly feeling with fibromyalgia too, and I found that folic acid helped it. Maybe I should try increasing my folic acid... Anyway, whenever I have the tingling in the face it tends to make me more tired. I don't know why, but it does. I need to exercise some more for my fibromyalgia, so I guess I'll go for a walk now.
~ Meg
I don't know what mom thought when I told her I'd been in e.r. I didn't call anyone in the family while in the crisis because I don't consider myself as having any emergency contacts any more. Her response was that she thought she should call me more.
Anyway, yesterday was indeed a very busy day, and somehow I managed to do everything I needed to, except I didn't get one of the detailed billing statements I'd hoped to get for August. I ended out figuring that I didn't have time after the blood work to come home and be back for my first appointment, so I made a breakfast sandwich to eat with my pills. I also packed a travel mug of hot coffee, but I hadn't used it in a long time and I guess it had somehow developed a leak, so I had to deal with that mess. Then I bought a cup of coffee later and I guess I didn't put the lid on well and it spilled when I was trying to drink it. Later in the day I must have forgotten to push down the knob on the top of my metal water bottle and it spilled in my bag too. So it was not a good day in the drink / spill department yesterday. That's what happens though when you're not feeling well, tired, and pushing yourself - you do a lot of dumb things. I don't think I'm the only one like that, so you might understand what I mean.
The first appointment should never have happened and the doctor even asked the registration people to cancel it so I wouldn't have to pay the co-pay. That was really nice of her. That was the infectious disease doctor, but I'm, thankfully, over the virus, so I didn't need to see her, but I forgot to cancel and when I got the reminder call about the appointment I figured I should at least go to it rather than be a no-show.
The other appointment was the neurologist, and he did find that I had some weakness when he tested me. He also referred me to a rheumatologist, actually the one I already go to for fibromyalgia, but I made an appointment for next week with him because of the new symptoms. He ordered more blood tests, too, and I was able to make it to LabCorp before they closed. I'd already been there earlier in the morning (for the fasting tests), so I didn't have to fill out all their paperwork again. Then I returned to the neurologist's to finish the discharge process and noticed that I had a third bruise, and I'd never been so prone to bruises before. It seems that they're appearing in all the spots where I've been pricked, including from last week's e.r. visit. So then I decided I wanted someone to check it out, and so I made an appointment with the primary care doctor again today and he agreed that it was a little unusual and worth noting.
I'm beginning to think that besides the allergy thing, there may also be lupus, which I imagine might be why the neurologist wants me to see the rheumatologist and why the dermatologist ordered the ANA test. In checking on line there are a few symptoms that could match lupus. The bruising is actually one of those symptoms, but another is hair loss, and not long ago I had requested my thyroid be checked (I had active Grave's until spring '07), but it came back normal. But hair loss and also weight loss (which I've also had recently) could also be lupus symptoms. I guess we'll see what the blood tests show.
Anyway, it might seem strange but yesterday after pushing myself to get everything done I was wiped out, but more in a mentally tired way than just physically, so when I got home I didn't really want to sit inside so I weeded grass from my neighbor's garden. It was a cool evening and it felt good to do that.
Today I had the one doctor's appointment and then worked a bit on bills, went grocery shopping and finally made the sweet potato salad. I had to go grocery shopping because I think I forgot I need the pepper for this recipe and used the original one I'd bought for something else. I did get to use my basil and chives in the salad though, which was nice.
When I was out grocery shopping I couldn't find the sour cherries I needed for the cake balls, although I did find frozen bing cherries and canned sweet cherries in heavy syrup. Both of those were on the expensive side, so I couldn't really justify spending that kind of money, so I'm going instead for chocolate-plum cake balls. That means I'll be adapting the recipes for the cake and filling accordingly.
My face is still puffy and feels tingly. You can have that tingly feeling with fibromyalgia too, and I found that folic acid helped it. Maybe I should try increasing my folic acid... Anyway, whenever I have the tingling in the face it tends to make me more tired. I don't know why, but it does. I need to exercise some more for my fibromyalgia, so I guess I'll go for a walk now.
~ Meg
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
104. Going Off Antihistimines
Well, today was the first day without Zyrtec. I haven't felt very good, to say the least, but so far it's tolerable. I still have 2 more days on the doxepin, though. I take that in the evening.
I still sort of find things to keep me busy, even though I feel crumby. I just pace myself and pick things to do that are reasonable, considering how I feel.
So I started portioning out my weekly meds, but I need to get some refills, and I try to do that on the first of the month so that that will count for meeting my "share of cost" for Medicaid, my secondary health insurance.
I also vacuumed and cleaned the bathroom. Did a few little things in the kitchen. Otherwise I've been working on my recipe database more.
I also did some exercises for fibromyalgia too. At least now I have a selection of exercises I can do to mix it up and also to adjust what I do according to how I feel.
Tomorrow is going to be a very busy and difficult day.
First of all, I have a whole slew of blood tests, which I have to fast for. Since my breakfast meds/supplements are by far the largest quantity of any during the day, it's hard to take them without eating to help get them down. So I'll probably have to take my pre-breakfast ones and then go to the lab to get the blood tests done. Then I'll come home and have breakfast.
I have two doctor's appointments, also, so I won't have a lot of time to dilly dally. And I promised the physical therapy place I'd stop by tomorrow with the p/t prescription and my insurance cards, and I should also get some detailed medical bills from a couple places. These things are all in the same general area, near each other.
I also have to pick up my meds from the pharmacy, because I won't have enough for the next day.
This might not sound like a lot, but it's REALLY a lot when you feel crumby and you just sort of do things even though you're only half there. At least in body you can physically be present for these things.
I bought a container of mushrooms at BJs the other day, so a while ago I decided what to do with them. I have enough (you get big containers of things at places like BJs) to make both a mushroom pirog (a Russian recipe, a large flat yeast dish with a filling and then another piece of dough on top, perhaps like a pizza sandwich, but without the sauce) and also mushroom "meatballs" to go with the marinara sauce I have frozen from my earlier roma tomato plant). I also have a couple sweet potatoes that I need to make a salad with. I'll probably do that Thursday. Cooking is sort of a fun outlet for me, something that gives me pleasure and I also try to cook healthy, although I am also planning a not-so-healthy sweet.
Last fall when I sort of went overboard on holiday baking (although, in hindsight, it may be the last time I do that for the family, so I hope that, and my putting on Thanksgiving dinner, are good memories for the others) I learned about cake balls. You can really get creative with them, and for my Christmas baking I made a walnut cake to use in the cake balls. But this time I want to make a chocolate & cherry cake. This will be a smaller cake (the walnut cake was a large sheet cake), so it won't make so many. How it works, basically, is you make (or buy, I suppose) a cake and use something as a binder, such as frosting, cake fillings, and the like. You break up the cake to make cake crumbs and then mix it with the binder (frosting or whatever). Then you make little balls out of this mixture. Finally, you melt candy coating and dip the balls in the coating like you would do for truffles. So, really, the sky's the limit on all the possible combinations you could make. The cake I've chosen this time is a single-layer chocolate-cherry round cake, and then I'll bind the crumbs with homemade cherry filling. I have a bunch of candy coating (and other holiday baking components too) left from last fall, so I could use either the light or dark chocolate coatings to dip them in.
Then I have to just try to not eat them all at once, but spread them out as little treats. That's why I don't bake much, although I've found that I have pretty good self-control when I make popsicles or put homemade ice cream, sorbet, etc. in some popsicle push-up molds I have. I have yummy Mexican mango popsicles now.
I guess that's all for now. Have a good evening.
~ Meg
I still sort of find things to keep me busy, even though I feel crumby. I just pace myself and pick things to do that are reasonable, considering how I feel.
So I started portioning out my weekly meds, but I need to get some refills, and I try to do that on the first of the month so that that will count for meeting my "share of cost" for Medicaid, my secondary health insurance.
I also vacuumed and cleaned the bathroom. Did a few little things in the kitchen. Otherwise I've been working on my recipe database more.
I also did some exercises for fibromyalgia too. At least now I have a selection of exercises I can do to mix it up and also to adjust what I do according to how I feel.
Tomorrow is going to be a very busy and difficult day.
First of all, I have a whole slew of blood tests, which I have to fast for. Since my breakfast meds/supplements are by far the largest quantity of any during the day, it's hard to take them without eating to help get them down. So I'll probably have to take my pre-breakfast ones and then go to the lab to get the blood tests done. Then I'll come home and have breakfast.
I have two doctor's appointments, also, so I won't have a lot of time to dilly dally. And I promised the physical therapy place I'd stop by tomorrow with the p/t prescription and my insurance cards, and I should also get some detailed medical bills from a couple places. These things are all in the same general area, near each other.
I also have to pick up my meds from the pharmacy, because I won't have enough for the next day.
This might not sound like a lot, but it's REALLY a lot when you feel crumby and you just sort of do things even though you're only half there. At least in body you can physically be present for these things.
I bought a container of mushrooms at BJs the other day, so a while ago I decided what to do with them. I have enough (you get big containers of things at places like BJs) to make both a mushroom pirog (a Russian recipe, a large flat yeast dish with a filling and then another piece of dough on top, perhaps like a pizza sandwich, but without the sauce) and also mushroom "meatballs" to go with the marinara sauce I have frozen from my earlier roma tomato plant). I also have a couple sweet potatoes that I need to make a salad with. I'll probably do that Thursday. Cooking is sort of a fun outlet for me, something that gives me pleasure and I also try to cook healthy, although I am also planning a not-so-healthy sweet.
Last fall when I sort of went overboard on holiday baking (although, in hindsight, it may be the last time I do that for the family, so I hope that, and my putting on Thanksgiving dinner, are good memories for the others) I learned about cake balls. You can really get creative with them, and for my Christmas baking I made a walnut cake to use in the cake balls. But this time I want to make a chocolate & cherry cake. This will be a smaller cake (the walnut cake was a large sheet cake), so it won't make so many. How it works, basically, is you make (or buy, I suppose) a cake and use something as a binder, such as frosting, cake fillings, and the like. You break up the cake to make cake crumbs and then mix it with the binder (frosting or whatever). Then you make little balls out of this mixture. Finally, you melt candy coating and dip the balls in the coating like you would do for truffles. So, really, the sky's the limit on all the possible combinations you could make. The cake I've chosen this time is a single-layer chocolate-cherry round cake, and then I'll bind the crumbs with homemade cherry filling. I have a bunch of candy coating (and other holiday baking components too) left from last fall, so I could use either the light or dark chocolate coatings to dip them in.
Then I have to just try to not eat them all at once, but spread them out as little treats. That's why I don't bake much, although I've found that I have pretty good self-control when I make popsicles or put homemade ice cream, sorbet, etc. in some popsicle push-up molds I have. I have yummy Mexican mango popsicles now.
I guess that's all for now. Have a good evening.
~ Meg
Monday, August 30, 2010
103. A Busy Day
Today I had 2 doctor's appointments and also had a blood test done, and since one of the doctor's appointments was about halfway to BJs and I was down to 1/4 tank of gas, I swung by down there too to pick up some staples (such as oatmeal ingredients and fruit for my smoothies).
The first appointment didn't do much as far as diagnosing this new ailment, but I did get a new physical therapy script from it.
At the lab, the technician had to try 3 times to get a vein for just one test. So I had 3 bandaids on my arms & one hand for a while. Usually my veins aren't that hard to find.
The next appointment was the doctor filling in for my regular doctor (actually the other one was too, but he's been filling in for her all summer while she's on maternity leave). This doctor did a lot, it seems to me.
First, he said that if I was going to have allergy immunization I had to have another set of tests done. The clincher, though, is that for those tests I have to get off the two antihistimines I just started Saturday. I guess we'll find out what's helping more, my stopping my magnesium oxide-containing supplements or the antihistimines. Needless to say, I am not particularly looking forward to this.
He also ordered a whole slew of blood tests, which I'll get on Wed., when I see the neurologist about my weakness and other things with my head (some numbness in the face and a feeling of "fullness" in the head, for example). The neurologist is in the same building as the lab is. But I have to fast for the blood tests, and I usually like to do those kinds of tests in the morning, but my neurology appt. is in the afternoon. I may just end out making 2 trips down there; at least it's not too far.
I did also manage to double book myself next Tuesday for the allergy tests and the physical therapy evaluation, so I have to try to fix that tomorrow.
The rash is way lessened, but I think I still have some facial swelling and definitely also have feelings of weakness, and it's possible my vestibular neuronitis (dizziness from my left ear being "overactive") might be acting up a little too.
If anyone tells you about the many benefits of being on disability, don't believe them!
I also made a special trip up to the dollar store to pick up a bag of cat food to feed the stray cats here. Several people do it and I ran out and then didn't have any money, and it might be that others were broke the same time I was because it seemed like the cats haven't been having much food lately. They really are a reasonably nice bunch of cats and they're all able to eat together around the food dish, except for this one especially ornery one. Actually, the ornery one is sort of a Jeckle and Hyde; she can be very lovey dovey but she's also scratched me twice, once so that I got a decent bleeding going on.
Since I'm going to be getting off these medicines, it's probably going to be at least a week before I'm up to working on my autobiography again though, although I did think of another thing I could do that wouldn't take so much concentrated mental work.
~ Meg
The first appointment didn't do much as far as diagnosing this new ailment, but I did get a new physical therapy script from it.
At the lab, the technician had to try 3 times to get a vein for just one test. So I had 3 bandaids on my arms & one hand for a while. Usually my veins aren't that hard to find.
The next appointment was the doctor filling in for my regular doctor (actually the other one was too, but he's been filling in for her all summer while she's on maternity leave). This doctor did a lot, it seems to me.
First, he said that if I was going to have allergy immunization I had to have another set of tests done. The clincher, though, is that for those tests I have to get off the two antihistimines I just started Saturday. I guess we'll find out what's helping more, my stopping my magnesium oxide-containing supplements or the antihistimines. Needless to say, I am not particularly looking forward to this.
He also ordered a whole slew of blood tests, which I'll get on Wed., when I see the neurologist about my weakness and other things with my head (some numbness in the face and a feeling of "fullness" in the head, for example). The neurologist is in the same building as the lab is. But I have to fast for the blood tests, and I usually like to do those kinds of tests in the morning, but my neurology appt. is in the afternoon. I may just end out making 2 trips down there; at least it's not too far.
I did also manage to double book myself next Tuesday for the allergy tests and the physical therapy evaluation, so I have to try to fix that tomorrow.
The rash is way lessened, but I think I still have some facial swelling and definitely also have feelings of weakness, and it's possible my vestibular neuronitis (dizziness from my left ear being "overactive") might be acting up a little too.
If anyone tells you about the many benefits of being on disability, don't believe them!
I also made a special trip up to the dollar store to pick up a bag of cat food to feed the stray cats here. Several people do it and I ran out and then didn't have any money, and it might be that others were broke the same time I was because it seemed like the cats haven't been having much food lately. They really are a reasonably nice bunch of cats and they're all able to eat together around the food dish, except for this one especially ornery one. Actually, the ornery one is sort of a Jeckle and Hyde; she can be very lovey dovey but she's also scratched me twice, once so that I got a decent bleeding going on.
Since I'm going to be getting off these medicines, it's probably going to be at least a week before I'm up to working on my autobiography again though, although I did think of another thing I could do that wouldn't take so much concentrated mental work.
~ Meg
Sunday, August 29, 2010
102. Still Feeling Crummy
I went to church this morning, but I didn't stay for the special events afterward, because I thought it would be just too much.
My face is still a bit puffy and I feel pretty weak.
I did some stuff around home, including a little puttering in the garden, ironing and working on my recipe database. I also did a little exercising for my fibromyalgia, using the exercise ball and some light weights (2 lbs) & ankle weights. I dug out my cane from the bottom chest in case I end out needing it. The last time I needed it was last summer when the dizziness from my vestibular neuronitis was bad.
My head feels funny and I don't think my mental capacities are that great, so I still don't think I can work on this project, the autobiography, right now.
***
I just found out I got another deposit from what I think it Unemployment, but it's more than I've been getting by $50. I hardly know what's going on in the news, so I don't know if there was supposed to be an increase or how that works. It's not a very good way to manage finances, though, not really knowing what your income is. I think I'll be able to pay my car insurance bill this month though with that income, although it is going to be tight. I wanted to use a coupon for the Container Store to get some clothing bags to put my hanging clothes in (I have too many clothes for the small closet here, so I have one of those racks for hanging clothes on). The thing is that I'm sure that having those clothes out like they are is bad for the dust mite situation - my level 5 (out of 6 possible levels) dust mite allergy. But the coupon ended now, so I'll just have to get them when I can.
Really, I spend all my disposable money on health things it seems. I spent about $200 on a HEPA air purifier for the dust mite allergies, and the month before that I needed new glasses. And that's not to mention all the supplements I take, some of which make an incredible difference in my level of functioning.
So lately my only splurge items are little bits of fancy foods so I can be creative in my cooking. Every once in a while I might stop at Starbucks, but it's been well over a month since I've done that.
But before I moved here I wasn't necessarily this stringent with my money. I hope this health condition is just temporary (and nothing else new pops up) so that I can still work again, at least part-time, eventually.
***
I still have all these boxes of papers and files for my autobiography. I have piles of papers on the floor near my desk, a couple boxes and some books in the living room area, and another file drawer or 2 in the bedroom. So this project is staring me in the face every day and I won't forget about it. I'm just not up to it right now.
~Meg
My face is still a bit puffy and I feel pretty weak.
I did some stuff around home, including a little puttering in the garden, ironing and working on my recipe database. I also did a little exercising for my fibromyalgia, using the exercise ball and some light weights (2 lbs) & ankle weights. I dug out my cane from the bottom chest in case I end out needing it. The last time I needed it was last summer when the dizziness from my vestibular neuronitis was bad.
My head feels funny and I don't think my mental capacities are that great, so I still don't think I can work on this project, the autobiography, right now.
***
I just found out I got another deposit from what I think it Unemployment, but it's more than I've been getting by $50. I hardly know what's going on in the news, so I don't know if there was supposed to be an increase or how that works. It's not a very good way to manage finances, though, not really knowing what your income is. I think I'll be able to pay my car insurance bill this month though with that income, although it is going to be tight. I wanted to use a coupon for the Container Store to get some clothing bags to put my hanging clothes in (I have too many clothes for the small closet here, so I have one of those racks for hanging clothes on). The thing is that I'm sure that having those clothes out like they are is bad for the dust mite situation - my level 5 (out of 6 possible levels) dust mite allergy. But the coupon ended now, so I'll just have to get them when I can.
Really, I spend all my disposable money on health things it seems. I spent about $200 on a HEPA air purifier for the dust mite allergies, and the month before that I needed new glasses. And that's not to mention all the supplements I take, some of which make an incredible difference in my level of functioning.
So lately my only splurge items are little bits of fancy foods so I can be creative in my cooking. Every once in a while I might stop at Starbucks, but it's been well over a month since I've done that.
But before I moved here I wasn't necessarily this stringent with my money. I hope this health condition is just temporary (and nothing else new pops up) so that I can still work again, at least part-time, eventually.
***
I still have all these boxes of papers and files for my autobiography. I have piles of papers on the floor near my desk, a couple boxes and some books in the living room area, and another file drawer or 2 in the bedroom. So this project is staring me in the face every day and I won't forget about it. I'm just not up to it right now.
~Meg
Saturday, August 28, 2010
101. Leave Continued
Today I saw the dermatologist, who wrote 2 new prescriptions for me and one over-the-counter medicine as well. He also ordered a blood test, which I'll do Monday when I'll be near a Lab Corp, where I go for blood tests (because my insurance prefers them).
Monday I see my primary care doctor and also allergy doctor. I got a call yesterday, though, that my regular allergy doctor won't be available, so someone else will see me in his place. I think I should also make an appointment with the neurologist because I'm still having some weakness and a little trouble walking.
It seemed like people were thinking this is an allergic reaction, and yesterday evening when I took my daily calcium-magnesium pill I felt worse, so after looking into it, I started wondering whether the magnesium oxide in that vitamin is to blame for all these rather sudden onset symptoms. I usually take a plain calcium supplement, but I think I started on this new bottle shortly before the symptoms started. But then my multivitamin also contains magnesium oxide, and I've never had this reaction before. Maybe it was just too much magnesium... or maybe I'm all wet and it's something else altogether. I looked online to find out more about the blood test the dermatologist is ordering and it looks like it's for checking into lupus, although it can be used for other things too.
The rash seems to be under control, but it's not going away. It's still on the same coverage area. It's just not as prominent and itchy. My face is still a bit puffy too.
So much for my grand plans to start looking for work... I haven't done anything on my autobiography.
I should probably mention, though, that I've had a couple nice conversations with mom in the last few days, so I'm glad about that. When I went to e.r. the other day I didn't tell any of my family because I consider I don't have an emergency contact now after what happened that landed me back here. I told mom today about it though.
I worked a (very) little bit in the garden. The left side is pretty barren now that I've taken the squash and cucumber plants out. There is mulch ground cover there though. And my lone stevia plant is standing tall and thriving in it's corner of my plot. I wish more plants were that easy to take care of! I will say though that the celosia seeds I planed seem to be really thriving, although they haven't bloomed yet. They're maybe 12 to 18 inches tall, but have full, healthy foliage. Underneath the air conditioner window unit I planted canterbury bells and they're growing fine, but now I see that they're getting infected with what looks like "leaf miners". That's been a common ailment too in my garden.
I think that's all for now.
~ Meg
Monday I see my primary care doctor and also allergy doctor. I got a call yesterday, though, that my regular allergy doctor won't be available, so someone else will see me in his place. I think I should also make an appointment with the neurologist because I'm still having some weakness and a little trouble walking.
It seemed like people were thinking this is an allergic reaction, and yesterday evening when I took my daily calcium-magnesium pill I felt worse, so after looking into it, I started wondering whether the magnesium oxide in that vitamin is to blame for all these rather sudden onset symptoms. I usually take a plain calcium supplement, but I think I started on this new bottle shortly before the symptoms started. But then my multivitamin also contains magnesium oxide, and I've never had this reaction before. Maybe it was just too much magnesium... or maybe I'm all wet and it's something else altogether. I looked online to find out more about the blood test the dermatologist is ordering and it looks like it's for checking into lupus, although it can be used for other things too.
The rash seems to be under control, but it's not going away. It's still on the same coverage area. It's just not as prominent and itchy. My face is still a bit puffy too.
So much for my grand plans to start looking for work... I haven't done anything on my autobiography.
I should probably mention, though, that I've had a couple nice conversations with mom in the last few days, so I'm glad about that. When I went to e.r. the other day I didn't tell any of my family because I consider I don't have an emergency contact now after what happened that landed me back here. I told mom today about it though.
I worked a (very) little bit in the garden. The left side is pretty barren now that I've taken the squash and cucumber plants out. There is mulch ground cover there though. And my lone stevia plant is standing tall and thriving in it's corner of my plot. I wish more plants were that easy to take care of! I will say though that the celosia seeds I planed seem to be really thriving, although they haven't bloomed yet. They're maybe 12 to 18 inches tall, but have full, healthy foliage. Underneath the air conditioner window unit I planted canterbury bells and they're growing fine, but now I see that they're getting infected with what looks like "leaf miners". That's been a common ailment too in my garden.
I think that's all for now.
~ Meg
Friday, August 27, 2010
100. Extended Leave Of Absence Requested
Unfortunately, I think this is going to go on longer than anticipated/hoped. I tried to submit a post from my Blackberry last night while in e.r., but I guess it didn't go through.
Late yesterday evening my face was getting more swollen, I was having occasional difficulty swallowing and I was feeling more sort of "out of it". So I called my primary care doctor and got the doctor on call. She said it sounded like my lips and/or tongue were swollen. I knew for sure that my lips were swollen and it felt like my tongue could be a bit swollen, so because of that she thought I should be checked out, and with the weakness I was describing she thought it would be better for me not to drive, but call 911 instead. So I did that and the paramedics gave me a benadryl shot en route to the hospital.
In typical e.r. fashion, it took me about 5 hours to get to where I was actually getting medical care, but then I was there for about 7 or 8 hours receiving i.v. medicines which brought the facial swelling down considerably and also made me feel significantly stronger. But I still have a little swelling in the face and I'm not up to my energy levels of a week ago, when I was thinking about starting to look for a job.
I got a new prescription, a histimine blocker, so hopefully that will help keep the symptoms manageable until we find out what the actual root cause it. I still see the dermatologist tomorrow (Sat.) morning and see the allergy doctor and the fill-in primary care physician (while my regular dr. is on maternity leave) on Monday. The allergy doctor's office agreed to let me come under the circumstances even though I might not have the money for the co-pay.
That's all for now, except to say that if I have some days that I feel reasonably well I might return to the subject at hand, the file I'm working through, but I don't want to try it when I'm not feeling up to it because my thinking won't be as clear to adequately address some of the issues.
Part of the reason why I was going as fast as I was in pumping out these blog entries because ever since my return to the States from Russia in 1997 it seems like I can never quite finish anything, because something always comes along to interrupt it. At least I feel like I've taken a big bite out of what I need to say and there are a lot worse points in the sequence for temporary leave taking. This is one thing, though that I'm going to try my darnedest to finish, though. Come flood or high water, I'm going to do it, by golly!
Meg
Late yesterday evening my face was getting more swollen, I was having occasional difficulty swallowing and I was feeling more sort of "out of it". So I called my primary care doctor and got the doctor on call. She said it sounded like my lips and/or tongue were swollen. I knew for sure that my lips were swollen and it felt like my tongue could be a bit swollen, so because of that she thought I should be checked out, and with the weakness I was describing she thought it would be better for me not to drive, but call 911 instead. So I did that and the paramedics gave me a benadryl shot en route to the hospital.
In typical e.r. fashion, it took me about 5 hours to get to where I was actually getting medical care, but then I was there for about 7 or 8 hours receiving i.v. medicines which brought the facial swelling down considerably and also made me feel significantly stronger. But I still have a little swelling in the face and I'm not up to my energy levels of a week ago, when I was thinking about starting to look for a job.
I got a new prescription, a histimine blocker, so hopefully that will help keep the symptoms manageable until we find out what the actual root cause it. I still see the dermatologist tomorrow (Sat.) morning and see the allergy doctor and the fill-in primary care physician (while my regular dr. is on maternity leave) on Monday. The allergy doctor's office agreed to let me come under the circumstances even though I might not have the money for the co-pay.
That's all for now, except to say that if I have some days that I feel reasonably well I might return to the subject at hand, the file I'm working through, but I don't want to try it when I'm not feeling up to it because my thinking won't be as clear to adequately address some of the issues.
Part of the reason why I was going as fast as I was in pumping out these blog entries because ever since my return to the States from Russia in 1997 it seems like I can never quite finish anything, because something always comes along to interrupt it. At least I feel like I've taken a big bite out of what I need to say and there are a lot worse points in the sequence for temporary leave taking. This is one thing, though that I'm going to try my darnedest to finish, though. Come flood or high water, I'm going to do it, by golly!
Meg
Thursday, August 26, 2010
99. Interruption, Continued (Again)
My condition continues... so I'm still on sabbatical from this blog.
If I do too much I start sweating which aggravates the rash and I get don't feel very strong either. My face remains puffy, too, and I didn't use the CPAP because of this last night.
~ Meg
If I do too much I start sweating which aggravates the rash and I get don't feel very strong either. My face remains puffy, too, and I didn't use the CPAP because of this last night.
~ Meg
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
98. Interruption, Continued (Again)
I'm still not feeling that great, but now that I've started on the methylprednisone I'm feeling a bit better. But it seems that between doses I start feeling crumby again, including facial puffing.
But I have been doing a bit of looking for those MIA articles, and I think I'll just have to let it go. If I find them it will just be a serendipitous success. I've looked everything I can think of, most places more than once. I must have pulled them out for some reason, since they're so apropos to my autobiography. Be that as it may, I feel that I can't justify spending the time to look for them.
One thing I did try is online through my public library card, and they have the one journal that I'm sure one of the articles came from, but not far back enough. Since my dad retired in 1990, anything relating to the present wouldn't be all that helpful for my purposes.
So then the other tack I've been taking is going online and trying to find something that way. So now I have too many tabs open and Firefox is acting up (that happens when I have to many tabs open).
I still am having trouble finding someone who can help me with dad's DCII report. The last place I called said that I should call the agency that issued it. The document is not classified, but they don't list any of this kind of information on their web site - regarding the fields on these reports or the agency code acronyms. I assume that that's not an oversight, but intentional, which means that they might not want to be too helpful. In any case, even if I were to get the basic information, they wouldn't tell me the significance of it. I have another idea to try, so we'll see.
I wanted to post this quote that I found on another web site:
***
"Rebellion to tyrants is obedience to God."
Thomas Jefferson (1743 – 1826), Third President of the United States and principal author of the Declaration of Independence
***
Well, you can just guess who Thomas Jefferson had in mind, but I'm thinking that in my case rebellion against the Vienna mission is a rather ironic fit. After all, the mission is supposed to be doing God's work, and but if the fit the description (if not exactly on the national scale) of "tyrants" then Thomas Jefferson, for one, would think that I was justified in not submitting very well. I didn't rebel very well, though, and Thomas Jefferson may not be the last word on this from a theological standpoint. Nonetheless, I liked the quote and wanted to share it for your consideration.
***
I have to go grocery shopping now because I'm out of my main dish for lunch, which is my main meal (like dinner for most people, at least in the USA). I'm feeling reasonably well after taking the steroid not long ago and the cooler evening is better for the rash as the heat aggravates it. So I should go out now.
~ Meg
But I have been doing a bit of looking for those MIA articles, and I think I'll just have to let it go. If I find them it will just be a serendipitous success. I've looked everything I can think of, most places more than once. I must have pulled them out for some reason, since they're so apropos to my autobiography. Be that as it may, I feel that I can't justify spending the time to look for them.
One thing I did try is online through my public library card, and they have the one journal that I'm sure one of the articles came from, but not far back enough. Since my dad retired in 1990, anything relating to the present wouldn't be all that helpful for my purposes.
So then the other tack I've been taking is going online and trying to find something that way. So now I have too many tabs open and Firefox is acting up (that happens when I have to many tabs open).
I still am having trouble finding someone who can help me with dad's DCII report. The last place I called said that I should call the agency that issued it. The document is not classified, but they don't list any of this kind of information on their web site - regarding the fields on these reports or the agency code acronyms. I assume that that's not an oversight, but intentional, which means that they might not want to be too helpful. In any case, even if I were to get the basic information, they wouldn't tell me the significance of it. I have another idea to try, so we'll see.
I wanted to post this quote that I found on another web site:
***
"Rebellion to tyrants is obedience to God."
Thomas Jefferson (1743 – 1826), Third President of the United States and principal author of the Declaration of Independence
***
Well, you can just guess who Thomas Jefferson had in mind, but I'm thinking that in my case rebellion against the Vienna mission is a rather ironic fit. After all, the mission is supposed to be doing God's work, and but if the fit the description (if not exactly on the national scale) of "tyrants" then Thomas Jefferson, for one, would think that I was justified in not submitting very well. I didn't rebel very well, though, and Thomas Jefferson may not be the last word on this from a theological standpoint. Nonetheless, I liked the quote and wanted to share it for your consideration.
***
I have to go grocery shopping now because I'm out of my main dish for lunch, which is my main meal (like dinner for most people, at least in the USA). I'm feeling reasonably well after taking the steroid not long ago and the cooler evening is better for the rash as the heat aggravates it. So I should go out now.
~ Meg
97. Interruption, Continued
I woke up this morning with a puffy face and my arms feeling heavy, but it seems that after taking my first 2-pill dose of methylprednisone there is some improvement already - thankfully.
I have a call in to the doctor, however, and am waiting for him to call me back. Hopefully I'll be able to get back to the file and my autobiography by the end of the day. I hope this steroid is a cure and not just a treatment of the symptoms, though. I haven't done anything more behind the scenes work on this blog since Sunday, but maybe I'll be able to work on that some today.
~ Meg
I have a call in to the doctor, however, and am waiting for him to call me back. Hopefully I'll be able to get back to the file and my autobiography by the end of the day. I hope this steroid is a cure and not just a treatment of the symptoms, though. I haven't done anything more behind the scenes work on this blog since Sunday, but maybe I'll be able to work on that some today.
~ Meg
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
96. What goes up, must come down...
But I'm tenacious; I may be down, but I'm not out, not yet.
I still feel crummy and have been working on my recipe database because I can do that more in a semi remote control fashion.
After taking public transit to get my car, I drove to the pharmacy to pick up the 2 prescriptions that my fill-in primary care doctor sent in electronically yesterday. But it turns out that one of them isn't covered by my insurance. It wasn't expensive, something like $13, and earlier this spring I paid out of pocket for prescription strength vitamin D more than once. But I can't swing it now.
So I've been trying to get that taken care of, but I just found out that the doctor wasn't even in today, which explains why I hadn't heard back yet. Meanwhile, he said I should see my dermatologist. I'd called him yesterday morning and again today but no one has called back from that office. So then I used their electronic system to get some messages across, and I also just made an appointment with him. The earliest I can see him is Saturday.
The other prescription that I did pick up is the methylprednisone dose pack, which I can't start till tomorrow since it's graduated dosage.
Meanwhile, the rash has spread a bit and my head still feels funny. I think there might be some internal effects of this whatever it is. I just feel crumby. I did a little work in the garden, but only what I really had to do, and mostly I've been working on the recipe database. But I also am working on my weekly med/supplement portioning out.
I just want to get better so I can try to work a little. I think some people (family, especially) think I don't even want to work. But I lost 2 good career jobs in the past 3 or so years because of health so I want to make sure I'm well enough to take a reasonable crack at it, part time to start with, since I do have health conditions I didn't have before. I think the pastor, the one who picked me up from the doctor's office yesterday since I couldn't drive after having the benadryl shot, wants me to bring something to the potluck Sunday. It's not that I wouldn't want to, it just that I'm not sure I'm going to be well enough to go to church even.
Since I don't really have much that I've been instructed to do for this rash other than the 3 prescriptions which either I don't have because my insurance won't cover it or I can't start till tomorrow. So in the meantime I've been getting a bit creative, although I have been communicating what I'm doing to my doctors (electronically or otherwise). I though, okay, it sounds like an antihistimine might be helpful. So I looked in my medicine cabinet and all I had along those lines are Nyquil and sudafed, which I'd tried over the weekend for th mild headache (I think I mentioned it on an earlier blog), so I didn't think that would work, although I could try taking 2 pills as they're not very strong. But I decided to try the Nyquil and it does seem to help a bit and hasn't even been making me drowsy! Go figure.
The other thing I've been trying is repurposing one of my rosacea prescriptions, MetroCream, and it also seems to be helping the topical aspects of whatever this is.
So that's an exciting day in the life of Meg. (Quit yawning! I might take offense.)
~ Meg
P.S. Another side effect - so to speak - of this rash is that now I don't want to put the electrodes on it, and I virtually ALWAYS put electrodes on my shoulder/neck/upper back area. I'm talking about the stimulator electrodes. I don't even want to think about doing that. Can you imagine? Maybe it would be like someone tickling on the rash. No thank you. The muscles there might be tense and underneath the rash their could be pain... but I don't need any electrodes tickling my rash. The rash on the front part of my torso does not interfere with my stimulator use, though, because I don't put electrodes there anyway (this isn't an EKG, after all).
I still feel crummy and have been working on my recipe database because I can do that more in a semi remote control fashion.
After taking public transit to get my car, I drove to the pharmacy to pick up the 2 prescriptions that my fill-in primary care doctor sent in electronically yesterday. But it turns out that one of them isn't covered by my insurance. It wasn't expensive, something like $13, and earlier this spring I paid out of pocket for prescription strength vitamin D more than once. But I can't swing it now.
So I've been trying to get that taken care of, but I just found out that the doctor wasn't even in today, which explains why I hadn't heard back yet. Meanwhile, he said I should see my dermatologist. I'd called him yesterday morning and again today but no one has called back from that office. So then I used their electronic system to get some messages across, and I also just made an appointment with him. The earliest I can see him is Saturday.
The other prescription that I did pick up is the methylprednisone dose pack, which I can't start till tomorrow since it's graduated dosage.
Meanwhile, the rash has spread a bit and my head still feels funny. I think there might be some internal effects of this whatever it is. I just feel crumby. I did a little work in the garden, but only what I really had to do, and mostly I've been working on the recipe database. But I also am working on my weekly med/supplement portioning out.
I just want to get better so I can try to work a little. I think some people (family, especially) think I don't even want to work. But I lost 2 good career jobs in the past 3 or so years because of health so I want to make sure I'm well enough to take a reasonable crack at it, part time to start with, since I do have health conditions I didn't have before. I think the pastor, the one who picked me up from the doctor's office yesterday since I couldn't drive after having the benadryl shot, wants me to bring something to the potluck Sunday. It's not that I wouldn't want to, it just that I'm not sure I'm going to be well enough to go to church even.
Since I don't really have much that I've been instructed to do for this rash other than the 3 prescriptions which either I don't have because my insurance won't cover it or I can't start till tomorrow. So in the meantime I've been getting a bit creative, although I have been communicating what I'm doing to my doctors (electronically or otherwise). I though, okay, it sounds like an antihistimine might be helpful. So I looked in my medicine cabinet and all I had along those lines are Nyquil and sudafed, which I'd tried over the weekend for th mild headache (I think I mentioned it on an earlier blog), so I didn't think that would work, although I could try taking 2 pills as they're not very strong. But I decided to try the Nyquil and it does seem to help a bit and hasn't even been making me drowsy! Go figure.
The other thing I've been trying is repurposing one of my rosacea prescriptions, MetroCream, and it also seems to be helping the topical aspects of whatever this is.
So that's an exciting day in the life of Meg. (Quit yawning! I might take offense.)
~ Meg
P.S. Another side effect - so to speak - of this rash is that now I don't want to put the electrodes on it, and I virtually ALWAYS put electrodes on my shoulder/neck/upper back area. I'm talking about the stimulator electrodes. I don't even want to think about doing that. Can you imagine? Maybe it would be like someone tickling on the rash. No thank you. The muscles there might be tense and underneath the rash their could be pain... but I don't need any electrodes tickling my rash. The rash on the front part of my torso does not interfere with my stimulator use, though, because I don't put electrodes there anyway (this isn't an EKG, after all).
Monday, August 23, 2010
95. Sick Again / Still
The story of my life, I just begin to think I'm going to get on my feet again, and wham, the carpet is pulled out from underneath me and I'm back at square one.
I told you, did I, that I thought I was about well enough to try to look for part-time work? Hah! I spoke too soon.
I just returned not long ago from the doctor's office and I was given an injection of benadryl and 2 prescriptions with instructions to see the dermatologist. I called the dermatologist this morning and left a voicemail message. At least I saw him not long ago, because he's a new doctor for me. They moved to a new office and the one I had now only works there once a week, so they put me with a new doctor. And I had to re-schedule my appointment again with the allergy doctor because I don't have enough money for the co-pay. There would have been a conflict with the PCP appointment, anyway, though.
Then they wouldn't let me have the shot until we figured out a way to get me home, because they wouldn't let me drive after having the shot. It would have been very easy if I had money for a taxi, but I don't. They were trying to figure out if there was some way they could arrange a ride, and I finally thought of calling my pastor, and it just so happened (!) that he was on his way to the general area where I was to pick someone up at the airport and it was fairly easy to swing by and pick me up. Was that a miracle or not? Thank you, God!
That does mean that my car is still in the garage by the doctor's office, and tomorrow I have to go pick it up, so I hope I'm feeling better for that. I only have enough money to pick up on generic prescription (which is $1.10 with my insurance), and I'll wait anyway until I have my car back. Maybe money will be deposited in my bank account tomorrow so I can get both prescriptions. The last one I picked up, though, was a generic prescription for my acid reflux and I put the money on the counter to pay, assuming it was the regular $1.10 and the pharmacist who was helping out at the register asked if I was going to pay for it, and I pointed to the money. Then he asked, "Why? There's not charge." It was sort of funny but I was grateful too. Anyway, I hope the benadryl shot today will at least keep it from getting worse so that I can take the bus to get my car tomorrow. Since I have a handicapped permit I don't have to pay for parking at county garages & parking lots, and this garage is a county one. So I don't need to worry about having a humongous bill for leaving my car there overnight.
I'm glad I was able to see someone today and they are treating it. I hope what they're doing helps.
I did ask if they had the flu shots in yet, though, since I just got over a 9-month virus, but it's too early for that.
Anyway, I don't feel well enough to try to do much on this blog right now. Sorry to leave you hanging like that.
~ Meg
I told you, did I, that I thought I was about well enough to try to look for part-time work? Hah! I spoke too soon.
I just returned not long ago from the doctor's office and I was given an injection of benadryl and 2 prescriptions with instructions to see the dermatologist. I called the dermatologist this morning and left a voicemail message. At least I saw him not long ago, because he's a new doctor for me. They moved to a new office and the one I had now only works there once a week, so they put me with a new doctor. And I had to re-schedule my appointment again with the allergy doctor because I don't have enough money for the co-pay. There would have been a conflict with the PCP appointment, anyway, though.
Then they wouldn't let me have the shot until we figured out a way to get me home, because they wouldn't let me drive after having the shot. It would have been very easy if I had money for a taxi, but I don't. They were trying to figure out if there was some way they could arrange a ride, and I finally thought of calling my pastor, and it just so happened (!) that he was on his way to the general area where I was to pick someone up at the airport and it was fairly easy to swing by and pick me up. Was that a miracle or not? Thank you, God!
That does mean that my car is still in the garage by the doctor's office, and tomorrow I have to go pick it up, so I hope I'm feeling better for that. I only have enough money to pick up on generic prescription (which is $1.10 with my insurance), and I'll wait anyway until I have my car back. Maybe money will be deposited in my bank account tomorrow so I can get both prescriptions. The last one I picked up, though, was a generic prescription for my acid reflux and I put the money on the counter to pay, assuming it was the regular $1.10 and the pharmacist who was helping out at the register asked if I was going to pay for it, and I pointed to the money. Then he asked, "Why? There's not charge." It was sort of funny but I was grateful too. Anyway, I hope the benadryl shot today will at least keep it from getting worse so that I can take the bus to get my car tomorrow. Since I have a handicapped permit I don't have to pay for parking at county garages & parking lots, and this garage is a county one. So I don't need to worry about having a humongous bill for leaving my car there overnight.
I'm glad I was able to see someone today and they are treating it. I hope what they're doing helps.
I did ask if they had the flu shots in yet, though, since I just got over a 9-month virus, but it's too early for that.
Anyway, I don't feel well enough to try to do much on this blog right now. Sorry to leave you hanging like that.
~ Meg
94. Interruption
I think I mentioned yesterday that I woke up with a rash on my neck. Hydrocortisone didn't help it and it's spreading, to my face and upper torso, so I have an appointment for early this afternoon with my sit-in Primary Care Dr. (my regular one is on maternity leave). I don't feel well enough to work on this blog today, so I'm taking a break. I'll be back though.
~Meg
~Meg
Sunday, August 22, 2010
93. Defense & High-Reliability Firms File, Part 17 (Radine, pt. 11)
I still can't find the MIA articles.
I enjoyed a walk earlier in the day than usual today because it was overcast and cooler, although my Weather Bug reading says it's currently 89.5F.
***
Chapter 7: Military Prisons and Rehabilitation
***
"Unlike inmates in the [United States Disciplinary Barracks(USDB)], soldiers who pass through the [Correctional Training Facility (CTF)] are fully expected to return to active duty, and the CTF are fully expected to reintegrate them into the rest of the Army. It does this (and maintains social control internally) by manipulating the convicted GI's self-image and his 'definition of the situation.' CTF principles may well be an anticipation of future trends in Army corrections." (p. 221)
I felt like I was experiencing some of this for the 6 months I was in the States (including time spent working at the U.S. office). I guess I was eventually deemed "reformed" enough (take that as you wish) to return to my original post, at least for a while. I never did fully conform, though, and I think they knew that, although they didn't know what I was thinking, because I never gave them any opportunity to know. But I was intentional about that too.
There are some other things I could say here, but it would be difficult without going into the narration of what exactly happened, so I'll just have to hold off and hope that I remember my train of thinking.
***
"A legal clerk, whose responsibility it was to interview stockade prisoners prior to their trials gave me his impression of stockade conditions at a large midwesern Army post:
... Once you come in, you're assigned to a barracks and you go to the barracks on the first night and that's invariably when the beating takes place... [and if] the guy says anything at all they put him in the box ["administrative segregation"] and continue to beat him, [and leave] him in the box for a couple of days... Then that subdues him... and they let him out of the box. By then they're pretty well beaten into the system... You can't get these guys who were beaten in pre-trial to testify to anything because they know they're going to be convicted and that they're going to go back." (p. 225; brackets in the original in this case)
That's a lot how I felt. Being sent to a mental hospital was like getting beat up and tossed down the stairs (this is in the original text) and scared out of my pants. The text tells about a guy with a cast on who comes to his trial and he's asked how he got the cast, to which he answers that he fell down the stairs. Then he's asked if he was beat up and he denies it. Then he's asked if anyone pushed him and he denies that too. This is how you learn to lie. This is how you learn to say "I work for an international publishing company." I know, I know, it's a partial truth. But another part of the truth is that the publishing end is NOT in Vienna. The closest thing Vienna has to the publishing end is (or was) people involved in the writing of the textbooks - authors, if you will. Just for clarification purposes I would like to explain here that authors are not the same as publishers. I know this can be confusing to certain people who've been taught to say otherwise, but I think you'll find that Webster's and Collegiate and Oxford and whatever English language dictionary source you choose will bear this out.
And yes, I was pushed down the stairs (figuratively, I mean).
***
Oh, here's a good one.
"In 1954, according to the provost marshal general of the Army, each new prisoner at the USDB was given an indoctrination session concerning the purpose of the prison and an orientation interview by the commandant or one of his representatives, where he would be assured that 'he is part of an institution where the entire staff from the top officer down through the enlisted ranks has a warm interest in her personal problems and needs and his future welfare.' Later on he would be given what GIs call an 'attitude check' to see how well he had responded to the 'warm' concern. He was also interviewed by a social worker who elicited information on previous problems with school authorities, pastors, relatives, and employers, which was then worked up into a report of the psychiatry and neurology division... Thus, the main functions of psychiatrists and social workers were in screening and classifying. Psychiatrists kept a close watch on each soldier-prisoner to determine when he had 'improved' himself sufficiently to be released before his full term had been completed. A chaplain was involved in this setting, although only in an advisory capacity to the classification board. He was to ascertain the influence of religion in the prisoner's life... Rehabilitation in 1954, then, was officially a combination of some indoctrination, vocational training programs, and several 'open doors' back to duty or out to civilian life... From the recent prison experiences of Dr. Howard Levy, the basic principles of the USDB seem relatively unchanged." (p. 227-228)
The author goes on to describe some modernizations (as of the late 70's), but I'm going to stop here for now.
The attitude check is something that was informally in place in Vienna. I don't think I ever had a problem with that - like I said, I wasn't a complainer or anything. I think my taking everything in stride might have made me more of an enigma and it would have been easier for them to deal with me if I had complained or raised a fuss.
I am not sure whether I thought about this so explicitly, but I think I felt that I didn't understand enough of what was going on to make a fuss; I was still trying to figure out the rules. So I left there not really ever understanding them. But since I didn't understand them I didn't know what kind of response I'd get anyway if I, for example, complained too much about not having enough work to do. Most of the time I was in Vienna I felt like my time and the money of my supporters was wasted because even though I did my best, including outside efforts, I was just doing grunt work which a lot of the time didn't really need to be done. But there was something else going on, I think, and these things were intentional, so I just smiled and did my job the best I could. I was friendly and sociable and took initiative in social activities several times. So I passed the attitude check.
That having been said, though, I'm not sure what kind of a change they might have expected or wanted from sending me home. I probably was somewhat subdued by that experience, but I certainly wasn't overcome by it. The last six months or so I think it was starting to get to me more so I was starting to cave in to pressures, such as attending the English speaking church (instead of the Austrian one I was going to), even though it wasn't really what I wanted. But that was about a year after I was sent back to the States, so it wasn't a direct consequence to that action they took against me (that's how I perceived it and still do).
***
"Psychology (and psychiatry) in the last few decades has taken the place of religion in maintaining mass discipline. Like religion, it operates by trying to convince the individual that it is trying to help him and has his interests at heart, all the while fairly self-consciously going about its role in creating and maintaining social order. Psychology not only provides techniques of control, such as various types of therapy and consultative assistance to those in authority, but it also parallels religion in providing an ideology. This ideology is one of 'cooperation,' 'communication,' 'normalcy,' and a distinct view of reality. In addition, psychology has a normative function, creating in individuals a sense of guilt, such as the anxiety that comes from feeling that one is not normal or socially acceptable. Instead of being sinful, today one is 'sick.' Like religion, psychology ministers to the guilt and anxiety that it was instrumental in creating." (p. 230)
This sounds a lot like Vienna: We care a lot about you and want you to succeed here, this is what you need to be able to succeed. I think the head of h.r., a military chaplain, even said something like this. Of course, under the circumstances I wasn't sure that I believed him, but that seemed to be what they wanted me to believe, and in this I don't think I was alone. It's just that I got worse treatment than others, so maybe he had to come out and say that before breaking the news, with the journal article on culture shock that they thought I was having culture shock and should go home for treatment. If taken at face value, this kind of approach cold be disarming, I think. I think I signed the papers to go not really believing it was actually going to happen. Maybe I was in shock or denial that this could be happening. And the thing was I was only having problems because of the mission, not in my Austrian activities and functioning. I'll go more in to this in the chronological narration though.
The army ideology of cooperation, communication, etc., has a counterpart in the Vienna mission, that's not exactly the same. I have a whole file on organizational behavior that touches on this too.
***
"... Another correctional therapist said that the character and behavior disorder (a category that includes most soldiers who get in trouble with the Army) must 'be made to see that there is something wrong with him and not with society.'" (p. 231)
I really feel like a fish swimming upstream here. I have a strong enough sense of who I am and my values that I'm able to get by and stick by what I believe even if I'm the only one. This might not be as bad as what the Nazis did, but Bonhoeffer is a good role model for me in standing up to what I believe is wrong. I don't always do it right, but I do the best I can in whatever given situation I'm in.
A textbook of mine from an apologetics class in Bible school has gotten a lot of use throughout the years: it describes various logical fallacies.
Here's a description of "Appeal to the People" a/k/a argumentum ad populum:
"As Immanuel Kant said, 'seek not the favor of the multitude; it is seldom got by honest and lawful means. But seek the testimony of the few and number not voices, but weigh them.
As C.S. Lewis was fond of saying, counting noses may be a great method of running a government (even there it has limitations), but it is no necessary criterion for truth. Another name for ad populum could be 'Misuse of Democracy.' If the majority thinks something is true, it must be true. If the majority is doing something, it should be done. The majority is reading this book, therefore it must be a good book. Non sequitor!
Nietzche quipped that 'public opinion is nothing but private laziness.' Ad populum is a lazy way of thinking, a device to bypass independent reasoning. Let the people do your thinking for you. Just drift along with the popular current." (Hoover, A. J. (1982). Poking Holes in Faulty Logic: Don't You Believe It! Chicago: Moody Press).
You will note that in my chronology Bible school came before Vienna, so I had that text with me in Vienna too and had long since studied it for class. Just because you're different doesn't make you wrong or bad.
***
"Since World War II, psychiatrists have been expanding their role in corrections. They have had a greater hand in designing corrections programs, and their participation as therapists rather than screening agents has increased somewhat. But this increased involvement has not come without costs to psychiatry. Psychiatrists have increasingly been compromising their techniques of therapy with military techniques of control.
In particular, the practice of therapy becomes much more oriented to social control of the individual by the small group or team, which is characteristic of military organization in general. I have suggested that the offenders who must see therapists do not view themselves as ill... This new role for therapists, that of forcefully attempting to transform soldiers' minds, results in a shift in the therapists' role." (p. 238-239)
My knee jerk reaction to these texts at this point in time is: Does Guantanamo and water-boarding ring a bell? How about those mental health workers involved?
Okay, that's another subject, but the Guantanamo situation didn't get where it was in a vacuum, and what this text describes sounds like it's the kind of setting that could eventually lead to the Guantanamo participation of psychologists.
Although military chaplains aren't mentioned in this text, it seems that they must at the very least be aware of this kind of thing going on in a field not so completely detached from their own. How would this be affecting them? Is it possible that the military chaplains in Vienna understood this reformative use of psychiatry? I'm not sure I want to go farther with this or not... There's a part of me that says do it, and another part that is more hesitant, but I'll just lay it out since I've been trying to be open and not have to deal with this horrible secrecy stuff that I just have grown to hate. Is it possible that the military chaplains / human resource staff at the Vienna mission intended this (mental "transformation," "personality changes") to be the end result of my going to the states for counseling?
***
"Some of these young men may be able to lead fuller, more developed lives with the benefit of some kind of therapy. But the value of personal freedom, it seems to me, requires that these people should have the choice of whether they want to undergo such personality changes. The only real alternative they have to undergoing therapy is being sent to a harsher prison." (p. 239)
In Vienna they would call this kind of thing "spiritual growth", which has a decidedly chaplain-y ring to it. I hate to say this, but over the years, including some things even after Vienna, I have come to approach pastoral leading more critically.
***
I'll just put this here for further documentation, but I've already commented on the substance of it:
"The most important function of the interview, which each prisoner went through when he arrived at the stockade, was to lay the groundwork for the rest of the program... The prisoner was shown that lack of social conformity had been of little value to him." (p. 242)
***
In another Army correctional facility the soldier-prisoners basically have to go through a repeat of basic training, perhaps with closer supervision. This process is intended to be "useful in helping to restore the offenders to duty (but this time with an acceptable attitude)." (p. 242)
Attitude was really important in Vienna too, mostly expressed indirectly, and this was part of what made my experience there feel like brain washing.
***
"The chaplain branch of the [Army's Correctional Training Facility (CTF)] appears to be quite active, offering a series of day-long retreats, formal instruction in 'Life Issues Series' classes, and group counseling sessions that stress 'freedom of expression on appropriate issues' and understanding the rights of others... In a manner consistent with my earlier commentary about psychology supplanting religion, the chaplains brought two California psychologists to the facility to present a series of lectures and conferences on gestalt psychology and transactional analysis to selected CTF cadremen." (p. 245)
I know there had to be a stronger connection between the chaplains and psychiatry! So here we have it. I wonder if either of the chaplains in Vienna had ever worked at this particular Army prison. Also, however, I don't think the chaplain/HR director in Vienna was working alone, so it's not completely fair to just single him/them (I didn't have much contact with the other one), when probably other leaders of the mission were involved in that decision. How exactly that transpired (the decision to send me back to the States) is something that we may never know.
***
"What is the best explanation for deviance? I have suggested that some correctional psychiatrists and social workers argue that deviance resides in the sick individual. Yet, oddly, psychiatry does not come into the military setting with a notion of what the diseases are that it should be curing. Psychiatry's definition of the individual as ill is based on the Army's response to that person's behavior." (p. 246).
If I may, I would like to insert a quotation from another source (I'm finding all these things in search of the 2 MIA articles):
"Security professionals must strive to be extra vigilant about their own ethics. It is too easy to say, 'everyone is doing it' and look the other way from such behavior or even join in... The bottom line is this: If your professional code of ethics conflicts with company policy and management's behavioral standards, you may have to stop being a part of the management team and uphold your professional ethics... you will be expected to make ethical decisions that may conflict with administration or corporate policy. Making these decisions won't be easy, but it is the only way to live up to - and with - your professional ethics." (Simonsen, Clifford E. (1992). what value to ethics have in the corporate world? Security Management, 36(9), 224-226)
What we have here is a clear case of the Army co-opting (not the rank and file soldiers but) professionals. How could they not have a pre-existing definition of such a basic part of their work?
Be this as it may, I submit that whether or not I was considered ill in Vienna was purely and simply seen as a matter of how I related to the mission, similar to how the Army viewed it in their soldiers.
Maybe we should send a few security professionals to Vienna (or the Army) to teach ethics to certain professionals there. Just don't send send any evangelical protestants to Vienna, please; they won't be at all objective.
***
"The result of allowing the military to define psychiatrists' problems is that the therapists dutifully adapt their definitions of syndromes to match the criminal act. Specifically, in terms of labeling the deviant, one finds circular, ex post facto clinical terms of personality and character disorders. A passive-aggressive personality is really someone who resists in a covert way. A disorder of the 'immature' category is a soldier who impulsively reacts against domination.
There are other explanations for the character of deviance. Some sociologists have asserted that there is nothing inherently deviant about any act, either in terms of individual pathology or societal needs. Deviance is something that is created 'by making the rules whose infraction constitute deviance and by applying those rules to particular people and labeling them as outsiders.' Thus, persons in the social system take actions that define or confer on certain behavior the label as deviant. If the definition of deviance is located in the reaction rather than in the act or the actor, then there is little necessarily in common in terms of clinical characteristics among individuals who perform the same deviant behavior.
Looking at deviance as residing in the labelers might result in psychiatrists' examining their own preconceptions and affiliations. But this analysis is avoided as a consequence of focusing exclusively on the characteristics of the deviants themselves." (p. 246-247)
I like this discussion about deviance. I don't know if you follow it or not, but it's basically saying that a norm-setting group decides if someone is not following their norms and the person who is not following their norms is deviating in relation to their norms.
One thing that this does is makes deviation a very relative "truth": It only has meaning in reference to something normative. For example, lying in some cultures might be perfectly acceptable, but in other cultures it's not and the act of lying would be considered deviant in reference to their norms, but not to the norms of the other culture. So deviance is not a static thing in and of itself. It only has meaning in relationship to a particular set of norms.
On a certain level I was "deviant" in Vienna in not fully and completely 100% submitting to their norms. It felt like that's what was required to succeed there, and, like I said earlier it felt like brainwashing.
***
"Deviance is something that is created 'by making the rules whose infraction constitute deviance and by making the rules whose infraction constitute deviance and by applying those rules to particular people and labeling them as outsiders... Thus, persons in the social system take actions that define or confer on certain behavior the label of deviant...
As I have emphasized, the self-image can be manipulated. One continues on as a soldier or an offender mostly on the basis of pressures of the small group and other reference persons. So managing the definition of the situation becomes very important for the rationalized co-optive style of corrections." (p. 247-248).
The Army sets the rules and makes the definitions, take it or leave it. Not a very forgiving (or democratic) approach to things, but you almost expect that in the Army (not that that makes it right).
But should this also be so in missions? In some ways, such as the theology, you might expect this to be reasonable. But should it be as totalitarian as an Army correctional facility? I don't think so, but the mission leaders might take issue with this either by asserting that they do have the right to do this, or by denying that they do it (the totalitarian aspects I mean).
I think this kind of thing could be true in the Army too, although I don't really know that, but sometimes I wondered how much of the social pressures were intended and sort of masterminded in a top-down way (like my feeling like I was being pitted against another gal for a certain position towards the end). Was this just sort of common office politics, or was it intentional. There were enough things going on that I wasn't always sure, and still am not. Since there was such a high level of secrecy, I think it's possible that some of these things were intentional, for whatever reason. I mention this in this context because that would also be part of the mission leadership controlling things and defining the issues and norms. I think that once you control the knowledge base you can do a lot with that by withholding something or strategically revealing something else, and in that context I don't think it would have been beneath them to have used disinformation (intentionally false or inaccurate information that is spread deliberately).
***
It's late again, and I've got to start getting ready for bed. We finished this chapter and it's also the end of the book.
Good night.
~ Meg
I enjoyed a walk earlier in the day than usual today because it was overcast and cooler, although my Weather Bug reading says it's currently 89.5F.
***
Chapter 7: Military Prisons and Rehabilitation
***
"Unlike inmates in the [United States Disciplinary Barracks(USDB)], soldiers who pass through the [Correctional Training Facility (CTF)] are fully expected to return to active duty, and the CTF are fully expected to reintegrate them into the rest of the Army. It does this (and maintains social control internally) by manipulating the convicted GI's self-image and his 'definition of the situation.' CTF principles may well be an anticipation of future trends in Army corrections." (p. 221)
I felt like I was experiencing some of this for the 6 months I was in the States (including time spent working at the U.S. office). I guess I was eventually deemed "reformed" enough (take that as you wish) to return to my original post, at least for a while. I never did fully conform, though, and I think they knew that, although they didn't know what I was thinking, because I never gave them any opportunity to know. But I was intentional about that too.
There are some other things I could say here, but it would be difficult without going into the narration of what exactly happened, so I'll just have to hold off and hope that I remember my train of thinking.
***
"A legal clerk, whose responsibility it was to interview stockade prisoners prior to their trials gave me his impression of stockade conditions at a large midwesern Army post:
... Once you come in, you're assigned to a barracks and you go to the barracks on the first night and that's invariably when the beating takes place... [and if] the guy says anything at all they put him in the box ["administrative segregation"] and continue to beat him, [and leave] him in the box for a couple of days... Then that subdues him... and they let him out of the box. By then they're pretty well beaten into the system... You can't get these guys who were beaten in pre-trial to testify to anything because they know they're going to be convicted and that they're going to go back." (p. 225; brackets in the original in this case)
That's a lot how I felt. Being sent to a mental hospital was like getting beat up and tossed down the stairs (this is in the original text) and scared out of my pants. The text tells about a guy with a cast on who comes to his trial and he's asked how he got the cast, to which he answers that he fell down the stairs. Then he's asked if he was beat up and he denies it. Then he's asked if anyone pushed him and he denies that too. This is how you learn to lie. This is how you learn to say "I work for an international publishing company." I know, I know, it's a partial truth. But another part of the truth is that the publishing end is NOT in Vienna. The closest thing Vienna has to the publishing end is (or was) people involved in the writing of the textbooks - authors, if you will. Just for clarification purposes I would like to explain here that authors are not the same as publishers. I know this can be confusing to certain people who've been taught to say otherwise, but I think you'll find that Webster's and Collegiate and Oxford and whatever English language dictionary source you choose will bear this out.
And yes, I was pushed down the stairs (figuratively, I mean).
***
Oh, here's a good one.
"In 1954, according to the provost marshal general of the Army, each new prisoner at the USDB was given an indoctrination session concerning the purpose of the prison and an orientation interview by the commandant or one of his representatives, where he would be assured that 'he is part of an institution where the entire staff from the top officer down through the enlisted ranks has a warm interest in her personal problems and needs and his future welfare.' Later on he would be given what GIs call an 'attitude check' to see how well he had responded to the 'warm' concern. He was also interviewed by a social worker who elicited information on previous problems with school authorities, pastors, relatives, and employers, which was then worked up into a report of the psychiatry and neurology division... Thus, the main functions of psychiatrists and social workers were in screening and classifying. Psychiatrists kept a close watch on each soldier-prisoner to determine when he had 'improved' himself sufficiently to be released before his full term had been completed. A chaplain was involved in this setting, although only in an advisory capacity to the classification board. He was to ascertain the influence of religion in the prisoner's life... Rehabilitation in 1954, then, was officially a combination of some indoctrination, vocational training programs, and several 'open doors' back to duty or out to civilian life... From the recent prison experiences of Dr. Howard Levy, the basic principles of the USDB seem relatively unchanged." (p. 227-228)
The author goes on to describe some modernizations (as of the late 70's), but I'm going to stop here for now.
The attitude check is something that was informally in place in Vienna. I don't think I ever had a problem with that - like I said, I wasn't a complainer or anything. I think my taking everything in stride might have made me more of an enigma and it would have been easier for them to deal with me if I had complained or raised a fuss.
I am not sure whether I thought about this so explicitly, but I think I felt that I didn't understand enough of what was going on to make a fuss; I was still trying to figure out the rules. So I left there not really ever understanding them. But since I didn't understand them I didn't know what kind of response I'd get anyway if I, for example, complained too much about not having enough work to do. Most of the time I was in Vienna I felt like my time and the money of my supporters was wasted because even though I did my best, including outside efforts, I was just doing grunt work which a lot of the time didn't really need to be done. But there was something else going on, I think, and these things were intentional, so I just smiled and did my job the best I could. I was friendly and sociable and took initiative in social activities several times. So I passed the attitude check.
That having been said, though, I'm not sure what kind of a change they might have expected or wanted from sending me home. I probably was somewhat subdued by that experience, but I certainly wasn't overcome by it. The last six months or so I think it was starting to get to me more so I was starting to cave in to pressures, such as attending the English speaking church (instead of the Austrian one I was going to), even though it wasn't really what I wanted. But that was about a year after I was sent back to the States, so it wasn't a direct consequence to that action they took against me (that's how I perceived it and still do).
***
"Psychology (and psychiatry) in the last few decades has taken the place of religion in maintaining mass discipline. Like religion, it operates by trying to convince the individual that it is trying to help him and has his interests at heart, all the while fairly self-consciously going about its role in creating and maintaining social order. Psychology not only provides techniques of control, such as various types of therapy and consultative assistance to those in authority, but it also parallels religion in providing an ideology. This ideology is one of 'cooperation,' 'communication,' 'normalcy,' and a distinct view of reality. In addition, psychology has a normative function, creating in individuals a sense of guilt, such as the anxiety that comes from feeling that one is not normal or socially acceptable. Instead of being sinful, today one is 'sick.' Like religion, psychology ministers to the guilt and anxiety that it was instrumental in creating." (p. 230)
This sounds a lot like Vienna: We care a lot about you and want you to succeed here, this is what you need to be able to succeed. I think the head of h.r., a military chaplain, even said something like this. Of course, under the circumstances I wasn't sure that I believed him, but that seemed to be what they wanted me to believe, and in this I don't think I was alone. It's just that I got worse treatment than others, so maybe he had to come out and say that before breaking the news, with the journal article on culture shock that they thought I was having culture shock and should go home for treatment. If taken at face value, this kind of approach cold be disarming, I think. I think I signed the papers to go not really believing it was actually going to happen. Maybe I was in shock or denial that this could be happening. And the thing was I was only having problems because of the mission, not in my Austrian activities and functioning. I'll go more in to this in the chronological narration though.
The army ideology of cooperation, communication, etc., has a counterpart in the Vienna mission, that's not exactly the same. I have a whole file on organizational behavior that touches on this too.
***
"... Another correctional therapist said that the character and behavior disorder (a category that includes most soldiers who get in trouble with the Army) must 'be made to see that there is something wrong with him and not with society.'" (p. 231)
I really feel like a fish swimming upstream here. I have a strong enough sense of who I am and my values that I'm able to get by and stick by what I believe even if I'm the only one. This might not be as bad as what the Nazis did, but Bonhoeffer is a good role model for me in standing up to what I believe is wrong. I don't always do it right, but I do the best I can in whatever given situation I'm in.
A textbook of mine from an apologetics class in Bible school has gotten a lot of use throughout the years: it describes various logical fallacies.
Here's a description of "Appeal to the People" a/k/a argumentum ad populum:
"As Immanuel Kant said, 'seek not the favor of the multitude; it is seldom got by honest and lawful means. But seek the testimony of the few and number not voices, but weigh them.
As C.S. Lewis was fond of saying, counting noses may be a great method of running a government (even there it has limitations), but it is no necessary criterion for truth. Another name for ad populum could be 'Misuse of Democracy.' If the majority thinks something is true, it must be true. If the majority is doing something, it should be done. The majority is reading this book, therefore it must be a good book. Non sequitor!
Nietzche quipped that 'public opinion is nothing but private laziness.' Ad populum is a lazy way of thinking, a device to bypass independent reasoning. Let the people do your thinking for you. Just drift along with the popular current." (Hoover, A. J. (1982). Poking Holes in Faulty Logic: Don't You Believe It! Chicago: Moody Press).
You will note that in my chronology Bible school came before Vienna, so I had that text with me in Vienna too and had long since studied it for class. Just because you're different doesn't make you wrong or bad.
***
"Since World War II, psychiatrists have been expanding their role in corrections. They have had a greater hand in designing corrections programs, and their participation as therapists rather than screening agents has increased somewhat. But this increased involvement has not come without costs to psychiatry. Psychiatrists have increasingly been compromising their techniques of therapy with military techniques of control.
In particular, the practice of therapy becomes much more oriented to social control of the individual by the small group or team, which is characteristic of military organization in general. I have suggested that the offenders who must see therapists do not view themselves as ill... This new role for therapists, that of forcefully attempting to transform soldiers' minds, results in a shift in the therapists' role." (p. 238-239)
My knee jerk reaction to these texts at this point in time is: Does Guantanamo and water-boarding ring a bell? How about those mental health workers involved?
Okay, that's another subject, but the Guantanamo situation didn't get where it was in a vacuum, and what this text describes sounds like it's the kind of setting that could eventually lead to the Guantanamo participation of psychologists.
Although military chaplains aren't mentioned in this text, it seems that they must at the very least be aware of this kind of thing going on in a field not so completely detached from their own. How would this be affecting them? Is it possible that the military chaplains in Vienna understood this reformative use of psychiatry? I'm not sure I want to go farther with this or not... There's a part of me that says do it, and another part that is more hesitant, but I'll just lay it out since I've been trying to be open and not have to deal with this horrible secrecy stuff that I just have grown to hate. Is it possible that the military chaplains / human resource staff at the Vienna mission intended this (mental "transformation," "personality changes") to be the end result of my going to the states for counseling?
***
"Some of these young men may be able to lead fuller, more developed lives with the benefit of some kind of therapy. But the value of personal freedom, it seems to me, requires that these people should have the choice of whether they want to undergo such personality changes. The only real alternative they have to undergoing therapy is being sent to a harsher prison." (p. 239)
In Vienna they would call this kind of thing "spiritual growth", which has a decidedly chaplain-y ring to it. I hate to say this, but over the years, including some things even after Vienna, I have come to approach pastoral leading more critically.
***
I'll just put this here for further documentation, but I've already commented on the substance of it:
"The most important function of the interview, which each prisoner went through when he arrived at the stockade, was to lay the groundwork for the rest of the program... The prisoner was shown that lack of social conformity had been of little value to him." (p. 242)
***
In another Army correctional facility the soldier-prisoners basically have to go through a repeat of basic training, perhaps with closer supervision. This process is intended to be "useful in helping to restore the offenders to duty (but this time with an acceptable attitude)." (p. 242)
Attitude was really important in Vienna too, mostly expressed indirectly, and this was part of what made my experience there feel like brain washing.
***
"The chaplain branch of the [Army's Correctional Training Facility (CTF)] appears to be quite active, offering a series of day-long retreats, formal instruction in 'Life Issues Series' classes, and group counseling sessions that stress 'freedom of expression on appropriate issues' and understanding the rights of others... In a manner consistent with my earlier commentary about psychology supplanting religion, the chaplains brought two California psychologists to the facility to present a series of lectures and conferences on gestalt psychology and transactional analysis to selected CTF cadremen." (p. 245)
I know there had to be a stronger connection between the chaplains and psychiatry! So here we have it. I wonder if either of the chaplains in Vienna had ever worked at this particular Army prison. Also, however, I don't think the chaplain/HR director in Vienna was working alone, so it's not completely fair to just single him/them (I didn't have much contact with the other one), when probably other leaders of the mission were involved in that decision. How exactly that transpired (the decision to send me back to the States) is something that we may never know.
***
"What is the best explanation for deviance? I have suggested that some correctional psychiatrists and social workers argue that deviance resides in the sick individual. Yet, oddly, psychiatry does not come into the military setting with a notion of what the diseases are that it should be curing. Psychiatry's definition of the individual as ill is based on the Army's response to that person's behavior." (p. 246).
If I may, I would like to insert a quotation from another source (I'm finding all these things in search of the 2 MIA articles):
"Security professionals must strive to be extra vigilant about their own ethics. It is too easy to say, 'everyone is doing it' and look the other way from such behavior or even join in... The bottom line is this: If your professional code of ethics conflicts with company policy and management's behavioral standards, you may have to stop being a part of the management team and uphold your professional ethics... you will be expected to make ethical decisions that may conflict with administration or corporate policy. Making these decisions won't be easy, but it is the only way to live up to - and with - your professional ethics." (Simonsen, Clifford E. (1992). what value to ethics have in the corporate world? Security Management, 36(9), 224-226)
What we have here is a clear case of the Army co-opting (not the rank and file soldiers but) professionals. How could they not have a pre-existing definition of such a basic part of their work?
Be this as it may, I submit that whether or not I was considered ill in Vienna was purely and simply seen as a matter of how I related to the mission, similar to how the Army viewed it in their soldiers.
Maybe we should send a few security professionals to Vienna (or the Army) to teach ethics to certain professionals there. Just don't send send any evangelical protestants to Vienna, please; they won't be at all objective.
***
"The result of allowing the military to define psychiatrists' problems is that the therapists dutifully adapt their definitions of syndromes to match the criminal act. Specifically, in terms of labeling the deviant, one finds circular, ex post facto clinical terms of personality and character disorders. A passive-aggressive personality is really someone who resists in a covert way. A disorder of the 'immature' category is a soldier who impulsively reacts against domination.
There are other explanations for the character of deviance. Some sociologists have asserted that there is nothing inherently deviant about any act, either in terms of individual pathology or societal needs. Deviance is something that is created 'by making the rules whose infraction constitute deviance and by applying those rules to particular people and labeling them as outsiders.' Thus, persons in the social system take actions that define or confer on certain behavior the label as deviant. If the definition of deviance is located in the reaction rather than in the act or the actor, then there is little necessarily in common in terms of clinical characteristics among individuals who perform the same deviant behavior.
Looking at deviance as residing in the labelers might result in psychiatrists' examining their own preconceptions and affiliations. But this analysis is avoided as a consequence of focusing exclusively on the characteristics of the deviants themselves." (p. 246-247)
I like this discussion about deviance. I don't know if you follow it or not, but it's basically saying that a norm-setting group decides if someone is not following their norms and the person who is not following their norms is deviating in relation to their norms.
One thing that this does is makes deviation a very relative "truth": It only has meaning in reference to something normative. For example, lying in some cultures might be perfectly acceptable, but in other cultures it's not and the act of lying would be considered deviant in reference to their norms, but not to the norms of the other culture. So deviance is not a static thing in and of itself. It only has meaning in relationship to a particular set of norms.
On a certain level I was "deviant" in Vienna in not fully and completely 100% submitting to their norms. It felt like that's what was required to succeed there, and, like I said earlier it felt like brainwashing.
***
"Deviance is something that is created 'by making the rules whose infraction constitute deviance and by making the rules whose infraction constitute deviance and by applying those rules to particular people and labeling them as outsiders... Thus, persons in the social system take actions that define or confer on certain behavior the label of deviant...
As I have emphasized, the self-image can be manipulated. One continues on as a soldier or an offender mostly on the basis of pressures of the small group and other reference persons. So managing the definition of the situation becomes very important for the rationalized co-optive style of corrections." (p. 247-248).
The Army sets the rules and makes the definitions, take it or leave it. Not a very forgiving (or democratic) approach to things, but you almost expect that in the Army (not that that makes it right).
But should this also be so in missions? In some ways, such as the theology, you might expect this to be reasonable. But should it be as totalitarian as an Army correctional facility? I don't think so, but the mission leaders might take issue with this either by asserting that they do have the right to do this, or by denying that they do it (the totalitarian aspects I mean).
I think this kind of thing could be true in the Army too, although I don't really know that, but sometimes I wondered how much of the social pressures were intended and sort of masterminded in a top-down way (like my feeling like I was being pitted against another gal for a certain position towards the end). Was this just sort of common office politics, or was it intentional. There were enough things going on that I wasn't always sure, and still am not. Since there was such a high level of secrecy, I think it's possible that some of these things were intentional, for whatever reason. I mention this in this context because that would also be part of the mission leadership controlling things and defining the issues and norms. I think that once you control the knowledge base you can do a lot with that by withholding something or strategically revealing something else, and in that context I don't think it would have been beneath them to have used disinformation (intentionally false or inaccurate information that is spread deliberately).
***
It's late again, and I've got to start getting ready for bed. We finished this chapter and it's also the end of the book.
Good night.
~ Meg
92. Defense & High-Reliability Firms File, Part 16 (Radine, pt. 10)
It's almost 4:00 and I'm just now having lunch. Oh well.
My current hypothesis about the MIA articles is that they got misfiled, because I think I've otherwise looked in every nook and cranny that might possibly contain anything resembling paper goods. So I'm going through all my files to see if they somehow got misfiled. So far, for example, I've determined that they're not mixed in with my documents concerning my exiting Russia and they're also not in the military chaplaincy file.
While I'm sitting here eating, however, I'll continue on with the next chapter, chapter 6, which is titled: Military Courts and the Law. I don't suspect this will be a very helpful chapter.
***
"From the Army's point of view, the justice system was never intended, nor is it intended today, to protect the individual from excesses of government. On the contrary, it exists to protect the organization from individuals." (p. 181)
I must say that in this regard, the Vienna mission may have been a little closer to the Soviet view of the law. Wikipedia summarizes this as follows:
"According to Western legal theory, "it is the individual who is the beneficiary of human rights which are to be asserted against the government", whereas Soviet law claimed the opposite.[4] Crime was determined not as the infraction of law, but as any action which could threaten the Soviet state."
Implied in the discussion on Wikipedia, and expressed more forthrightly elsewhere as, for example, "legal nihilism, or disregard for the law."
What I mean is that we did indeed have a sort of handbook with policies, the kind you'd expect to receive as a new employee at any regular place of employment. However, in the spirit of the Soviet "legal nihilism" they conveniently and deliberately (I can't see any other circumstances, but I'll get to the specifics in my chronological narration) ignored them, even when, in at least one case, where I pointed out the rule and how it had been applied to others, but not to me.
I don't think I could or would accuse the Army of legal nihilism, but the part about the Army's justice system being intended to work in favor of the institution at the expense of the individual, might fit, the intention part. The reason I think it might fit, as not the rules themselves which would seem to point to some appreciation for the individual missionary's rights, but in the selective application of the rules they did have. Am I making myself clear.
Let me give you another example. In the former Soviet Union, using the 1977 constitution, which I wrote an undergraduate report on for a seminar class on European Political Systems, did grant several rights individual rights that the U.S. constitution doesn't, such as right to a roof over one's head and a right to work. Everyone had that right, the latter of which was actually both a right and obligation, however. BUT, and this is a big "but", these laws weren't uniformly applied. For example, let's say a Jew, Joe Schmoe, decides to apply to emigrate to Israel. After applying to emigrate he immediately has problems, and it appears that he has become one of those persons the Soviet Union has behind the scenes determined don't have all the same rights as everyone else, even though this isn't literally spelled out as a kind of criteria or limitation on the application of the law. So the next thing you know, Mr. Schmoe finds himself, for which he is given some kind of explanation or another. And since these applications to leave the country can be quite lengthy, he tries to find another job in the meantime. But, despite the law saying he had a right to a job (Constitution part II, chapter 7, article 40) and was guaranteed a job, he can't find one.
At that point appears that Mr. Schmoe has been selectively singled out to not be eligible for that right, which also states that: "This right is ensured by the socialist economic system, steady growth of the productive forces, free vocational and professional training, improvement of skills, training in new trades or professions, and development of the systems of vocational guidance and job placement."
You understand that I was speaking in the present because it's a hypothetical case (although that kind of thing really and truly happened, along with other such things), but I was speaking of the USSR before the putsch.
This is actually a pretty close fit to what I experienced in Vienna, considering they did single me out for disregard of a couple of their written policies that were in my favor. That is a pretty close facsimile to how it was in the USSR.
As I'm speaking now, I did have knowledge like this about Eastern Europe and where there were apparent similarities these weren't lost to me even at the time. I also had had lots of prior opportunity to work through a lot of ethical and ideological issues before arriving in Vienna. Others coming into the mission might not have had that questionable benefit. Since that was a major part of my training though (European studies, religion in Eastern Europe, etc.), I was biased at the time to see similarities with things in Communist countries rather than with some of the other institutions and settings I'm comparing it to via the literature I'm discussing. So at the time I felt in some ways like I was living in a micro Communist closed society right in the middle of a major Western European city.
I know when I was sent home for "treatment" (the quotations indicate my presentiment), for example, I made a very strong mental comparison to the Soviet misuse of psychiatry.
***
"Former Attorney General Ramsey Clark (in discussing the use of troops in urban riots) said, 'Generals resent civilian presence and legal guidance. Their business is war. War knows few rules and forgets them when need arises..." (p. 181)
Now this opens a whole new can of worms, regarding my dad. Is it possible that the military would have had that kind of attitude regarding protection of my dad? Just a question. I'm not sure myself, so in this area I'm walking a bit on thin ice.
The other thing I'd like to bring up from this text, though, is the part about generals resenting outside (i.e., civilian) presence and guidance. The mission in Vienna had this attitude in as much as they are impenetrable to outside accountability. Just try holding them accountable, even just using biblical standards. Go ahead, I'd really like to see that and I might even bring along some popcorn and take a front row seat too. Good luck.
As this implies, the mission had virtually built an impenetrable fortress around their inner workings, and trying to hold them accountable would probably be more akin to trying to hold a covert operations agency accountable.
***
"It is probably a rare occurrence that a commander would be impolitic enough to actually tell a court member how to vote. His ability to select the participants and 'stack the jury' may make this unnecessary." (p. 196)
The Vienna leadership stacked the deck against me, if I may take liberties with extending the similarities a bit, when they sent me to conservative Protestant Christian psychiatrists near the Stateside office. Very clever, no?
***
I just skipped over 12 pages and we're getting near the end of the chapter now, but here's something worth discussing:
"Prior to the recent volunteer Army changes, drill instructor in basic training have been reported as deliberately and explicitly attempting to drive recalcitrant soldiers AWOL." (p. 209-210)
This was published in 1976, after the Vietnam War draft. The thing of interest here is that it is a direct admission that they tried to get rid of problem recruits by driving them to skipping town.
The context in Vienna is a lot different, but one of the possibilities I've considered, is whether there was an attempt to get rid of me. The only real possibility for that would be if it was because of my dad, and there is some indication that could be the case. Eventually they could just have determined that I was unfit, but neither of these interpretations is a perfect fit either, as there are incongruencies. But the thing is, and some of the other literature I hope to eventually get to, is that there was a lot of ambiguity and mixed signals pretty much the whole time I was there, making it more difficult to understand exactly what was going on. And I believe that this ambiguity was largely intended, for whatever reason (security comes to mind). Again, some of my literature does deal with this subject of ambiguity.
***
That's all for this chapter, so I'll leave off again.
~ Meg
My current hypothesis about the MIA articles is that they got misfiled, because I think I've otherwise looked in every nook and cranny that might possibly contain anything resembling paper goods. So I'm going through all my files to see if they somehow got misfiled. So far, for example, I've determined that they're not mixed in with my documents concerning my exiting Russia and they're also not in the military chaplaincy file.
While I'm sitting here eating, however, I'll continue on with the next chapter, chapter 6, which is titled: Military Courts and the Law. I don't suspect this will be a very helpful chapter.
***
"From the Army's point of view, the justice system was never intended, nor is it intended today, to protect the individual from excesses of government. On the contrary, it exists to protect the organization from individuals." (p. 181)
I must say that in this regard, the Vienna mission may have been a little closer to the Soviet view of the law. Wikipedia summarizes this as follows:
"According to Western legal theory, "it is the individual who is the beneficiary of human rights which are to be asserted against the government", whereas Soviet law claimed the opposite.[4] Crime was determined not as the infraction of law, but as any action which could threaten the Soviet state."
Implied in the discussion on Wikipedia, and expressed more forthrightly elsewhere as, for example, "legal nihilism, or disregard for the law."
What I mean is that we did indeed have a sort of handbook with policies, the kind you'd expect to receive as a new employee at any regular place of employment. However, in the spirit of the Soviet "legal nihilism" they conveniently and deliberately (I can't see any other circumstances, but I'll get to the specifics in my chronological narration) ignored them, even when, in at least one case, where I pointed out the rule and how it had been applied to others, but not to me.
I don't think I could or would accuse the Army of legal nihilism, but the part about the Army's justice system being intended to work in favor of the institution at the expense of the individual, might fit, the intention part. The reason I think it might fit, as not the rules themselves which would seem to point to some appreciation for the individual missionary's rights, but in the selective application of the rules they did have. Am I making myself clear.
Let me give you another example. In the former Soviet Union, using the 1977 constitution, which I wrote an undergraduate report on for a seminar class on European Political Systems, did grant several rights individual rights that the U.S. constitution doesn't, such as right to a roof over one's head and a right to work. Everyone had that right, the latter of which was actually both a right and obligation, however. BUT, and this is a big "but", these laws weren't uniformly applied. For example, let's say a Jew, Joe Schmoe, decides to apply to emigrate to Israel. After applying to emigrate he immediately has problems, and it appears that he has become one of those persons the Soviet Union has behind the scenes determined don't have all the same rights as everyone else, even though this isn't literally spelled out as a kind of criteria or limitation on the application of the law. So the next thing you know, Mr. Schmoe finds himself, for which he is given some kind of explanation or another. And since these applications to leave the country can be quite lengthy, he tries to find another job in the meantime. But, despite the law saying he had a right to a job (Constitution part II, chapter 7, article 40) and was guaranteed a job, he can't find one.
At that point appears that Mr. Schmoe has been selectively singled out to not be eligible for that right, which also states that: "This right is ensured by the socialist economic system, steady growth of the productive forces, free vocational and professional training, improvement of skills, training in new trades or professions, and development of the systems of vocational guidance and job placement."
You understand that I was speaking in the present because it's a hypothetical case (although that kind of thing really and truly happened, along with other such things), but I was speaking of the USSR before the putsch.
This is actually a pretty close fit to what I experienced in Vienna, considering they did single me out for disregard of a couple of their written policies that were in my favor. That is a pretty close facsimile to how it was in the USSR.
As I'm speaking now, I did have knowledge like this about Eastern Europe and where there were apparent similarities these weren't lost to me even at the time. I also had had lots of prior opportunity to work through a lot of ethical and ideological issues before arriving in Vienna. Others coming into the mission might not have had that questionable benefit. Since that was a major part of my training though (European studies, religion in Eastern Europe, etc.), I was biased at the time to see similarities with things in Communist countries rather than with some of the other institutions and settings I'm comparing it to via the literature I'm discussing. So at the time I felt in some ways like I was living in a micro Communist closed society right in the middle of a major Western European city.
I know when I was sent home for "treatment" (the quotations indicate my presentiment), for example, I made a very strong mental comparison to the Soviet misuse of psychiatry.
***
"Former Attorney General Ramsey Clark (in discussing the use of troops in urban riots) said, 'Generals resent civilian presence and legal guidance. Their business is war. War knows few rules and forgets them when need arises..." (p. 181)
Now this opens a whole new can of worms, regarding my dad. Is it possible that the military would have had that kind of attitude regarding protection of my dad? Just a question. I'm not sure myself, so in this area I'm walking a bit on thin ice.
The other thing I'd like to bring up from this text, though, is the part about generals resenting outside (i.e., civilian) presence and guidance. The mission in Vienna had this attitude in as much as they are impenetrable to outside accountability. Just try holding them accountable, even just using biblical standards. Go ahead, I'd really like to see that and I might even bring along some popcorn and take a front row seat too. Good luck.
As this implies, the mission had virtually built an impenetrable fortress around their inner workings, and trying to hold them accountable would probably be more akin to trying to hold a covert operations agency accountable.
***
"It is probably a rare occurrence that a commander would be impolitic enough to actually tell a court member how to vote. His ability to select the participants and 'stack the jury' may make this unnecessary." (p. 196)
The Vienna leadership stacked the deck against me, if I may take liberties with extending the similarities a bit, when they sent me to conservative Protestant Christian psychiatrists near the Stateside office. Very clever, no?
***
I just skipped over 12 pages and we're getting near the end of the chapter now, but here's something worth discussing:
"Prior to the recent volunteer Army changes, drill instructor in basic training have been reported as deliberately and explicitly attempting to drive recalcitrant soldiers AWOL." (p. 209-210)
This was published in 1976, after the Vietnam War draft. The thing of interest here is that it is a direct admission that they tried to get rid of problem recruits by driving them to skipping town.
The context in Vienna is a lot different, but one of the possibilities I've considered, is whether there was an attempt to get rid of me. The only real possibility for that would be if it was because of my dad, and there is some indication that could be the case. Eventually they could just have determined that I was unfit, but neither of these interpretations is a perfect fit either, as there are incongruencies. But the thing is, and some of the other literature I hope to eventually get to, is that there was a lot of ambiguity and mixed signals pretty much the whole time I was there, making it more difficult to understand exactly what was going on. And I believe that this ambiguity was largely intended, for whatever reason (security comes to mind). Again, some of my literature does deal with this subject of ambiguity.
***
That's all for this chapter, so I'll leave off again.
~ Meg
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